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Relationships

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Original poster

He said I'm not attractive - how to get over it

79 replies

Lovelyivy · 09/03/2018 21:46

Few months ago my husband stoped being affectionate with me and told me I'm not sexually attractive anymore(I was at the low point after giving birth few months prior-feeling not really confident and he made it really bad for me).We were talking about splitting up. After this talk things between got better and we started having fun together again (I think he is happy he got it out of his chest). I started working out and taking care of myself and I feel great again but I hate when he is trying to be intimate or affectionate now. I still remember what he said back then and can't get over it. Where to go from here?

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 09/03/2018 23:28

He is the type of man who prefers you with no confidence He wants to keep it that way.

Onecutefox · 09/03/2018 23:32

If my DH told me I am not attractive after giving birth plus him fancying other women, that would be it. It would break our relationship.

Onecutefox · 09/03/2018 23:34

You asked me - did I supposed to lie and pretend I was attracted to you

Piece of shit. Sorry OP.

Timefortea99 · 09/03/2018 23:38

I would never have sex with him again. He’s a twat.

PsychedelicSheep · 10/03/2018 08:15

He’s a misogynist prick and I’d be amazed if he doesn’t cheat on you, if not yet then at some point.

He’s not the sort of man you can rely on to have your back. Do you really want someone so shallow and critical as your life partner?

greendale17 · 10/03/2018 08:18

He’s just a shallow man
You’ll spend your whole life trying to be “pretty” for him
And he will probably still go and fuck someone younger and perkier when you’ve hit your menopause

^I agree. First chance he gets he will be off with someone younger

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 10/03/2018 08:28

He is the type of man who prefers you with no confidence He wants to keep it that way.

I agree.

What a shit thing to say at the shittiest possible time

Oldbrook · 10/03/2018 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/03/2018 08:48

I was often told I was unattractive by my then H, along with the screwed-up emphasis on honesty.

In the end, I realised that honesty was not the only thing necessary in our relationship. His constant negative thoughts about me were damaging me. I'm so much happier now I'm hardly aware what he thinks of me.

Anyway, look how inconsistent your H is being. You're honest with him, telling you how his comments have affected you, and he just bats it away: you shouldn't feel like that. Empathy is very important in a relationship, too. As is being caring.

One more thing to think about: did he really say it like that, that you're not attractive? Because that speaks volumes about whose problem he sees it as. If he'd said he was struggling to see you as attractive, it'd still be horrible to hear (and a crappy emphasis on your appearance post-birth), but it'd have a totally different emphasis. It'd say: the problem is with me, I know you are still the amazing person you always were. But that's not what he thinks, is it?

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 08:59

I\m amazed that people are using the 'best he was honest' line in the case of a woman whose body is newly post partum.

The rules of gaining weight, not cutting your hair and picking warts don't apply to having given birth, ffs. Do people really need to be told that??

Onecutefox · 10/03/2018 09:42

Honestly, I would leave him. He isn't a good person.

Sparkletastic · 10/03/2018 09:44

I'd leave him.

Bananamanfan · 10/03/2018 09:48

The fact he said that to you, and the time he chose to do so, says an awful lot about him and does not reflect on you. I think he is probably unpleasant in lots of ways and you would be much better off without him in your life.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/03/2018 09:51

Sorry I wouldn’t be able to get over it either, you sound pressured to maintain an image for his sexual gratification otherwise he’ll tell you that you are not attractive or will admire other woman.

You had just give birth and needed time to recover and all he could think about was you werent up to his standards. What happens if you have a health issue which impacts your body permanently, is he going to act like a selfish child who’s toy is broken then too?

Joysmum · 10/03/2018 09:52

The fact he said that to you, and the time he chose to do so, says an awful lot about him and does not reflect on you

Especially given he also chose to torture the OP by saying he fancied women at work or on the street.

This is so much more than his reaction to a post baby body. He’s a disgrace

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2018 09:54

Does he know that you have to find someone else to have a second baby with, as you can’t have it with him? You should tell him if you haven’t, given honesty is so important to him.

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2018 09:56

I don't think it was immediately after she gave birth as folks are suggesting,it was at least a few months.

How did he phrase it op? The way it's written it sounds like he was being deliberately cruel. There is a difference between loving someone and fancying them, and there does seem to be a bit of a school of thought on these threads that some folks think if your partner loves you they should always fancy you, irrelevant of how changed your appearance is. That's not quite how physical attraction works.

However there are ways to express this and it seems he was cruel in his wording and I'd struggle to get past that also. It's one thing to say it gently if asked, it's another to be nasty about it.

Eatmycheese · 10/03/2018 10:03

Another fully paid of member of the He’s a Total Shit club here I’m afraid.

The timing and context of that comment is incalculably awful. He is disgraceful.

It’s more a case of just how deeply unattractive HE has rendered himself to you I should have thought

So sorry
You absolutely should be treated better than this

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 10/03/2018 10:38

Trying to be pretty for him back then too? You shouldn’t be feeling like you have to make yourself look a certain way to keep him happy.....plus you’d just had a baby! He’s sounds like a right knobhead.

DenPerry · 10/03/2018 10:47

What a turd. My DP made me feel like a goddess after birth despite me being 19 stone and always in my pyjamas. If a man truly loves you he will acknowledge what you've been through and that it may take time to get yourself back. And what you need is a safe space to look tired/fat/dishevelled after just GROWING A HUMAN!
This man will have more criticisms to come, as you have more babies or age.

bastardkitty · 10/03/2018 10:50

If someone treated me like that, I would stop finding them attractive. And end the relationship. He's horrible and you know it OP.

eggncress · 10/03/2018 11:08

So he has shown no shame and not apologised for what he said to you?
He is minimalising his bad behaviour and making you feel like you are overreacting?
Does this bad attitude pervade other areas of the relationship?
Is he supportive with care of baby now or does he leave you to it ?
Does he do his share in the house ?
All things to consider before re evaluating your future with him

Onecutefox · 10/03/2018 11:09

If someone treated me like that, I would stop finding them attractive

Completely agree. I would try to find the guts and tell him you don't find him attractive anymore after what you had told me.

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 10/03/2018 11:16

After he said what he said he is really good with our baby, with the house ....he seems to change a lot after he got it out of his chest...or it might just be me stopping to beg for kisses that makes him happy now (I'm really affectionate person) he seems to always ask what I need help with and I suddenly have loads of free time and I am happier as well ... but it just bother me that he said that after I gave him a child and he knew how much I'm Trying to be attractive for him (putting make up every evening, trying to
Lose weight, buying new underwear...)

OP posts:

Jon66 · 10/03/2018 11:29

I suspect like a lot of men he didn't realise the realities of having a baby. He is obviously making more of an effort now, in response to you making an effort. One of the problems is they see celebrities back in their size 6 jeans 10 weeks after giving birth and don't realise the monumental effort that takes. Plus they have nannies, personal trainers and stuff. It just sounds as though reality hit him! Having a child changes lots of things including the dynamics in a relationship. He gets less attention from you because the baby takes up that time. I wouldn't take what he said too much to heart. Try and be healthy and work on getting out and about with your baby, see friends and take the pressure off the relationship a bit. Enjoy your baby and being a mum.

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