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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An emotionally unavailable boyfriend

71 replies

Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 14:42

Hey, I wondered if I’d be able to get some advice or support from any ladies out there who may have had a similar situation or even those who haven’t.

I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year. I love him so incredibly much. When things are good, they couldn’t be much better. But when they’re not, I feel very alone in the relationship. Since the beginning of the relationship I’ve struggled to get emotion from him. There’s little affection - verbal or non-verbal, I usually have to be the one to facilitate.

I thought with encouragement & patience I’d be able to make him open up a bit more... this hasn’t been the case. He’s a bit older than me (24) but it feels like he’s much younger.

He avoids adult conversations & committing.
He’s moving with his family to the other side of the country - when I’ve asked about the future & how we’d make it work, he simply said “Idk”. Even getting basic affection from him is almost impossible unless I say things first.

When I’m at his place, he spends a lot of the time checking Facebook or playing games. Even small things like going on dates - I’ve always had to go the extra distance to meet him since he’s been disinclined to spend much money.

I’ve been trying so hard to be understanding - I know not all men find it easy to be emotionally literate. But it’s difficult being with a man who’s so unwilling to emotionally invest & commit.

Sometimes I think I could do better or date someone who appreciates me more. But the truth is, I love him despite his faults. I don’t want anyone else. I just wish I was prioritised by him & treated as though I’m actually in a relationship with him. I feel trapped because I love him and of course I want to be with him. But I find myself wondering whether I’m really going to get what I want from this relationship or from him

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/03/2018 14:45

He won’t change. He’s moving away. He’s letting you know how apathetic he feels about the relationship.

What you want is for him to become the version of himself which would make you feel truly loved. This won’t happen - it’s something you long for in your mind, but it is not reality.

You’re young, start thinking about the process of letting go. You need someone with an emotional style closer to your own.

Don’t waste time and heartbreak over him. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person - he just can’t give you what you need and deserve.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/03/2018 14:52

He's pretty much checked out of the relationship.

Do you mean he lives at home with his parents and all of them are moving away or he's leaving to live with them?

Original poster
Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 14:54

@VladmirsPoutine He lives with them and they’re all moving

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 08/03/2018 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisLittleKitty · 08/03/2018 14:56

If he's moving away then it's already over isn't it really? How will it work otherwise. Sounds like he's already checked out.

CremeFresh · 08/03/2018 14:58

You're obviously not matched as a couple. You will spend forever trying to make him how you want him to be - a fruitless exercise because he won't change .

VladmirsPoutine · 08/03/2018 15:02

Sometimes I think I could do better or date someone who appreciates me more. But the truth is, I love him despite his faults. I don’t want anyone else. I just wish I was prioritised by him & treated as though I’m actually in a relationship with him.

This is the crux of it, in my opinion.

You can do better and find someone who will appreciate you more. It's entirely natural to feel as though you 'only want him'. The way he is behaving is a very typical type of behaviour that creates a sense of anxiety, uncertainty and a feeling of hopelessness and desperation within their partners. It will eventually take a toll on your emotional and mental health if you don't walk away.

Yes it will be hard but that is all you can do now. You cannot make someone love you - and even if it is just a down spell, he doesn't seem to be working with you to solve it; on the contrary he is working against you.

You don't need this.

calmandbright · 08/03/2018 15:02

It’ll hurt in the short term but you really should break it off. You deserve so much more than this half life.

TheNaze73 · 08/03/2018 15:08

CremeFresh is spot on.

You’ve got to accept him for what he is or move on.

Think it’ll boil down to what an individual wants or needs but, most people at 24 wouldn’t want to be into anything too heavy

Original poster
Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 15:14

@TheNaze73 You think I’ve been expecting something “too heavy” or intensive? Shock I never thought of it like that. I wouldn’t normally describe myself as a needy person. At the end of the day, all I’ve really expected from him is love, appreciation and investment. By commitment, I didn’t mean ‘move in with me, settle down, get married’, I simply meant prioritisation and effort.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/03/2018 15:21

Hi Op, not saying that at all Flowers

He really isn’t demonstrating anything close to what you’re describing as what you want. You won’t be able to change him.

Good luck

starryeyed19 · 08/03/2018 15:24

He's just not that into you.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/03/2018 15:31

I love him so incredibly much

What exactly do you love about him? I think if you're in a romantic relationship and you're getting nothing back to confirm that love, then it isn't love.

Original poster
Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 16:03

@mybrilliantdisguise Well, I appreciate your reply but I’ve no doubt about how I feel. When he came into my life, he totally turned things around for me, unlike my previous partners, he allowed me to be myself and didn’t just want me for what I could offer them. All I want is the same level of investment from him and to be treated as a priority. It’s because I love him that it hurts so much to get so little from him..Sad

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/03/2018 18:05

I think you know what the situation is here, deep down you know you need to end the relationship. But it hurts and you don’t want to and you have invested time and emotion in him...

You still need to leave him. He’s not making you happy.

jamaisjedors · 08/03/2018 18:07

I read some very good advice on here which I wish I had had at your age - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He will not change. He will not make you happy long term.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/03/2018 18:25

Have a good read of this blog OP: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

It feels horrific now but it won't always feel like this.

PaperRockMissile · 08/03/2018 19:12

All I want is the same level of investment from him and to be treated as a priority. It’s because I love him that it hurts so much to get so little from him

Can I tell you that the reason it hurts is that every day it is damaging your self esteem? Every day you are getting a message that you and your love are not worth prioritising or making an effort for.

If you stick with this relationship, it will get worse and worse. You will start jumping through hoops (if you aren't already!) trying to "make him" see you as you want to be seen, trying to "make him" love you and "make him" appreciate you. None of this will work and it will make you feel more and more shit about yourself until you are a broken shell of who you were. It will erode your self confidence.

The best thing to do is end the relationship. This will hurt too but you can hang on to your pride and importantly a sense of being in control and it being your decision. Better that than watching him destroy your self esteem AND THEN torturing yourself by suspecting (when he is on the other side of the country) that he is seeing someone else AND THEN having him dump you because he's met Miss New & Exciting and tells you how much he loves her and wants to be with her.

End it. End Of.

trackrBird · 08/03/2018 19:14

His attention to his phone, and non committal “idk” is giving you a clear message which he is too weak to articulate in words.

You love him, he doesn’t love you, and he is breaking it off with inertia. He is hoping to annoy you into storming off, perhaps. But you’re still there hoping to bring him out. It won’t happen.

Unrequited love is bad, half-requited love is worse: either way you are in a horrible situation. I know it is very painful. Leave him, with his phone and his parents, and take some time for you.

minmooch · 08/03/2018 19:23

It shouldn't be this hard. Especially at 24, no kids, no mortgage. You should be having the time of your life with no questions about how he feels for you.

This is him showing you what he is like at his best! God knows how he would be if life gets difficult.

He's not that in to you is the honest answer.

Pick up your self esteem and go find someone who finds you absolutely fantastic because that, and only that, is what you deserve.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/03/2018 19:47

He's a 24 year old man who is CHOOSING to move with his family. He COULD get a flat, move in with you...but he doesn't want to. He's a man-child. He will never open up because he has no real emotion to speak of.
Cut your losses. He lets you be 'you' because he's too apathetic to make you be any other way, not because he genuinely loves who you are.

Casmama · 08/03/2018 19:55

He’s really not that into you.
Your comment about him turning things around for you makes me think previous partners were probably worse.
The best thing you could do is dump him and work on your own self esteem so you don’t put up with so little in the future.
There is so much more to a good relationship than this.

pog100 · 08/03/2018 20:03

If he is the best you have had, you have a really great time to come OP. Leave him be and go and find some real loving supportive, happy, fun relationships i.e. normal good ones

PrizeOik · 08/03/2018 20:16

It's relatively obvious to anyone reading here that he isn't as interested in you as you would like him to be.

The fact that you love him isn't a reason to hang on to this relationship. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet and you could be with any of them.

You sound very young if you truly believe that "but I love him" is a remotely adequate or even relevant thing to take into account when deciding whether a relationship is worth continuing... It's actually relatively easy to fall in love with someone - it happens pretty automatically, you just need to spend enough time with someone and be open to it, even just a tiny bit, and generally it happens.

He is really not that into you. Perhaps he is fond of you, but he is making it suuuuper super clear that you aren't a priority and he isnt planning on investing anything. Get real about it, accept it, and move on. You will feel shit at first, but it will be short lived.

SomewhereontheM6 · 08/03/2018 20:21

You love him + He's not that in to you= miserable relationship.

Doesn't matter how wonderful he is if he doesn't want to be with you, it can't work.
Happily for you this type of relationship often happens and like millions of others you will get over it.
The good news is that you are young and there are a planet full of fantastic men who would like to meet a girl in her 20's.