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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

An emotionally unavailable boyfriend

71 replies

Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 14:42

Hey, I wondered if I’d be able to get some advice or support from any ladies out there who may have had a similar situation or even those who haven’t.

I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year. I love him so incredibly much. When things are good, they couldn’t be much better. But when they’re not, I feel very alone in the relationship. Since the beginning of the relationship I’ve struggled to get emotion from him. There’s little affection - verbal or non-verbal, I usually have to be the one to facilitate.

I thought with encouragement & patience I’d be able to make him open up a bit more... this hasn’t been the case. He’s a bit older than me (24) but it feels like he’s much younger.

He avoids adult conversations & committing.
He’s moving with his family to the other side of the country - when I’ve asked about the future & how we’d make it work, he simply said “Idk”. Even getting basic affection from him is almost impossible unless I say things first.

When I’m at his place, he spends a lot of the time checking Facebook or playing games. Even small things like going on dates - I’ve always had to go the extra distance to meet him since he’s been disinclined to spend much money.

I’ve been trying so hard to be understanding - I know not all men find it easy to be emotionally literate. But it’s difficult being with a man who’s so unwilling to emotionally invest & commit.

Sometimes I think I could do better or date someone who appreciates me more. But the truth is, I love him despite his faults. I don’t want anyone else. I just wish I was prioritised by him & treated as though I’m actually in a relationship with him. I feel trapped because I love him and of course I want to be with him. But I find myself wondering whether I’m really going to get what I want from this relationship or from him

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 08/03/2018 21:35

If you love someone and want a relationship to work , then you have to love them just as they are, otherwise you just love parts of who they are. This is him, this is who he is and at the moment you are not loving all of him and so sadly it just won't last.

Original poster

Susannecrawford · 08/03/2018 21:42

@cremefresh Well, I appreciate your input but I can’t help but feel that your stance is a tad unrealistic. There is no such thing as loving every part of somebody. No matter who you’re with, there will always be parts of them that you dislike. That’s reality. All the same, thanks for stopping by to help. I don’t think the lack of love is on my part though..

OP posts:

aftertheevent · 08/03/2018 21:52

I see what you are saying @cremefresh but he isn't doing that either or he would be more gining.
TBH OP I lived with a man like this and they only get worse and you will end up lonely and resentful.
So begin again! its got to be better than Mr Unavailable.

SpareASquare · 08/03/2018 21:52

..he allowed me to be myself and didn’t just want me for what I could offer them
Apathy is not love. He 'allowed' you to be yourself because it really doesn't matter to him. He's NOT invested in your relationship in any way and you're NOT listening.

All I want is the same level of investment from him and to be treated as a priority
You're not going to get it. You must know that. Question is, are you going to accept it or get on with living your life?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/03/2018 22:01

Of course you love him, how you wouldn’t? He ignores you, neglect you, doesn’t show interest in you but you think that if you loved him even more he would become the man you wish him to be.

Wake up, this is a one sided relationship. I don’t know why are you putting up with this if he is showing you right, left and centre that he is not into you.

CremeFresh · 08/03/2018 22:35

I do feel for you Op and I have been there myself. Of course there will be parts of our partners that we dislike but the part that you dislike is really quite a big part of who your partner is. I kidded myself that I could tolerate my partners lack of showing affection because I knew he loved me, but in the end it wasn't enough for me just to know, I needed him to show it. I ended the relationship because it just wasn't giving me enough of what I wanted.

ShatnersWig · 09/03/2018 08:26

OP: I don't think my boyfriend prioritises me and it makes me sad.
MN: He doesn't. So move on.
OP: But I love him.
MN: He's moving on physically, he's moved on emotionally if he ever was there emotionally.
OP: But I love him.
MN: This relationship is dead, sorry, but it really is.
OP: But I really love him.
MN: He's just not that into you.
OP: I don't want anyone else, I just want him to love me more.
MN: It ain't happening!!!! What part don't you get?

That's how this thread is, OP. I put it like that in the hope you see it. You're in your early 20s. Don't invest any more time in something that has "dead as a dodo" written all over it. This is not the right relationship for you, so don't waste time pursuing it or him further. You're still so ridiculously young, there are loads of guys out there who can give you what you want, why settle for one who won't? It makes no sense. And "I love him" is not sufficient answer.

DeltaG · 09/03/2018 08:52

OP, I'm more than a decade older than you and looking back on my 20s, there are certainly people I would have sacked off way sooner, with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom we acquire as we get older.

As sad as it is, this is going nowhere. You cannot make someone love you if they don't. It's hard not to take it personally, but this sounds like it's about him rather than you. He's young (possibly has a touch of the man-child as someone else mentioned before, since he's moving with his family as a fully-grown man) and he probably just doesn't want the hassle of the relationship - with anyone.

You are just at the start of your adult life and the world is your oyster....don't waste any more time flogging a dead horse here and go and live your life.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 09/03/2018 09:01

I feel trapped because I love him and of course I want to be with him. But I find myself wondering whether I’m really going to get what I want from this relationship or from him

No, you're not. He's showing you how he feels about you - by moving away with his parents. He could stay and get a flat on his own.

Honestly? I'd end it. You've listed so many things that you don't like/aren't right for you - doesn't sound like the relationship has much going for it. What do you love about him? He shows you no affection, pays you no attention, spends no money on you...

You could do so much better. Find someone who wants the same things as you do. You don't have to put up with crap behaviour or relationships. You're not trapped at all! There are plenty more fish in the sea.

AdalindSchade · 09/03/2018 09:05

I expect he doesn't demand anything from you because he actually doesn't care enough.
I get that you love him but a life lesson to learn is that loving someone isn't always a good reason to stay with them. There will be more love for you in your future.

Joysmum · 09/03/2018 09:09

The reason so many of us stay in substandard relationships is because we make our value judgements based on the good times, not what happens in the bad.

He’ll, I’d be happy enough married to most people if u were to only value the relationship when it’s good!

invitroveritas · 09/03/2018 09:30

As others have said, the simple truth is your love and need is not returned in this case. The relationship (such as it is) will end when he moves, but what you can do is control how you respond to it's ending by looking at your attachment style.

Your age and the intensity of your feelings are a mismatch in relationship terms for your life stage, and may be a signal for you that with the next relationship you get into you keep things much lighter and stop convincing yourself that you need 'commitment' from a partner.

It would help you greatly to lighten up.

Original poster

Susannecrawford · 09/03/2018 09:38

@invitroveritas So I’m meant to just ignore the things I desire and want? I really don’t think I’ve expected too much from him, I’ve really only expected the bare basics for any relationship. I don’t think age has much to do with it, if I’m honest

OP posts:

invitroveritas · 09/03/2018 09:45

OP, this man is not a resource for you to harvest the emotional responses you want from him, he is a real person and as such feels how he feels. A sound relationship is one where there is a mutual, equal and two-way flow of sentiment. You didn't have those, there was no future.

Age has been mentioned by responders because your posts seem to show lack of emotional maturity and an unwillingness to accept reality.
ShatnersWig illustrated it well.

With our experience we are trying to help you understand your situation and move on, OP. If unwilling to accept that from us would you consider asking for help in RL?

ShatnersWig · 09/03/2018 09:46

Susanne No of course you don't ignore them! But if the person you are seeing can't or won't give you those things, you move on to find someone who can! I know you say he's older than you at 24, but you're really coming across as a teenage schoolgirl.

Original poster

Susannecrawford · 09/03/2018 09:56

@shatnerswig When I said he was older, I mean older by just under a year..

OP posts:

Original poster

Susannecrawford · 09/03/2018 09:57

I know that what everyone has said is true and it has been hard for me to read such brutal honesty because I know it makes sense. I know that this relationship is motionless. I know that the best thing I can do is leave. But I’m scared to do so - we may have only had a year-long relationship but it was long enough for me to pins my hopes on this man and envisage a future with him. Even though that may have never happened because he’s so non-committal, walking away is just so intimidating. That’s why I say that I feel trapped - because I know that I must leave and respect myself by doing so but I’m scared to leave. I wish it didn’t have to be over.

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 09/03/2018 10:16

The fear of the pain of breaking up shouldn't be a reason not to break up.
By the way when we say these things we aren't being patronising, we have all lived and learnt.

misscph1973 · 09/03/2018 10:20

You are scared of change and you don't want the pain of a break-up. I was just like you when I was your age. I think it's hard to be any different. When you are young, you crave that love, and you are willing to ignore your own needs to be able to call someone your boyfriend.

If you stay with him, you would probably end up moving nearer him. The you would sacrifice more of yourself to be with him. But you would still not have your needs met. I know it's hard, but you are only going to become more unhappy.

Don't be like me. I'm 45 next month and I only just divorced the man I should have dumped when I was your age. I spent 20 years trying to make the relationship work with zero input from him.

viques · 09/03/2018 10:28

"He allowed me to be myself" .

You might want to re think this as " From the start he really didn't care a flying fuck about me and my life , and was not interested in my opinions, not even to the extent of discussing them, or talking through things that are important to me."

I would send a big bunch of flowers to his mum and dad to say thankyou for taking him out of your life. You have had a lucky escape, a couple more years, maybe even a baby, and you could have been shackled to this selfish cock lodger for life.

Get out there, find someone who actually likes you first , then see if like turns to love.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 09/03/2018 10:34

He's shown you exactly who he is and exactly where you sit on his priorities.

Let the relationship die as he moves away.

Learn to love yourself and realise you are worth far ,far, far, far, more than this.

Irishtwinmumma · 09/03/2018 10:34

This guy makes no effort with you, he clearly doesn’t care... and he even said it to you. He’s taking you for granted and you let him. Do you really think that’s how someone that loves you and cares about you would act? He wants company and sex with minimal effort. He’s not emotionally unavailable, he just doesn’t care.

LesisMiserable · 09/03/2018 12:07

Only on.MN could the sentenced "he allowed me to be myself" be construed as negative!!!

That aside. If you can't act in kind and "allow him to be himself" and be satisfied with who that is, then he is not the one for you. It's no negative reflection on either party. It's a bad fit that has run its course and the truth is you do want someone else - you want someone who wants to progress their relationship with you, in the shape of your BF. You have to let go of that aspiration and accept the happy times you have with him now our enough - or move on.

Never ever try to change anyone, except yourself.

viques · 09/03/2018 12:17

lesisif this was a happy, healthy equal relationship I would agree with you about "he allowed me to be myself" but it isn't, and in this context it seems to me that poor OP being"allowed to be herself" is just another way her partner is showing his disinterest in her as a person. But you are so right in saying you can only change yourself.

seventh · 09/03/2018 12:18

He’s moving with his family to the other side of the country - when I’ve asked about the future & how we’d make it work, he simply said “Idk

He's not emotionally unavailable

He couldn't give a toss about you

Sorry @Susannecrawford but imo that is the truth

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