Is calling your partner the C word ever ok?

[Pedaltoday]

My partner and I were having an argument over the fact he doesn’t bother making effort with my family but I always have to make effort with his ( they have spent years complaining about me and being nasty to my face and behind my back which I’ve just grinned and bared) not once in the argument did I swear or raise my voice. He started name calling, the usual your pathetic etc so I said I wouldn’t spent my life with someone who constantly name calls. To which he said don’t be with me then, and I responded sometimes I don’t think I want to be anymore. He then said I would happily break up with you, your an ungrateful bit* and then went on to call me a cun. This isn’t the first time he has. We’ve been together 4 years and in that time I’ve never raised my voice, called him a name or insulted him. But he has a short temper when he’s mad and says the worst things. I always end up saying sorry and that I brought it on- This argument ended when I apologised for saying sometimes I didn’t want to be with him to which he called me a cun* again. After an hour of me asking him not to ignore me he accepted my apology. In my head I know I have little to apologise for but I. These rows the easiest thing for me to do is say sorry because the name calling gets to me. In every other aspect he’s a good person. He treats me well and makes effort with me and is trust worthy. I just can’t deal with the name calling and I’ve been asking him for years to stop and he doesn’t. Do I put up and shut up because no body is perfect and he doesn’t do other things that are bad or do I call it a day and walk away from something that is otherwise very good?

I'd say LTB. But that's me and I appreciate that it's often easier said than done.

"He treats me well"

No he really doesn't. He is abusing you. Please stop letting him devalue you by apologising for his abusive behaviour.

Leave.

I've called my DP a cunt and vise versa but only when joking and we are both aware we are joking. I'm not sure I'd tolerate any spiteful nasty name calling like that.

Abusive relationship he does not respect you. You had zero to apologise for. You did not.put a gun to his head to make him say those words, he chose to. He is the one to apologise. I was in a relationship like this before and I'll NEVER tolerate it again. You need to have a rethink about the treatment and respect decent people give others... Because you're not getting it. Personally I'm livid on your behalf.

What do you get out of this relationship, what keeps you with this man who insults you and has a short temper?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, did you see your dad treat your mum similarly?.

Is this terrible example of a relationship all you think you are worth?. How does he treat you well exactly?. You've been asking him to stop the insults for years and he still has not stopped - and will not do so either. This is who he is and he is not going to change.

How is this relationship otherwise very good?

Think his insulting of you cancels out any other good points about him to be honest with you. This is also a man who does not have your interest at heart at all here when it comes to his family of origin who badmouth you as well. You've grinned and borne their insults as well which was and is a mistake.

Re your comment:-

"Do I put up and shut up because no body is perfect and he doesn’t do other things that are bad or do I call it a day and walk away from something that is otherwise very good?"

You do not have to accept abuse from anybody and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship anyway is none. This comment also shows me just how pitifully low your relationship bar is and boundaries are. This is your life with him going forward, I would be planning your exit now from this relationship. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, this so called partner of yours is no different. He is no partner to you nor friend, he just likes having you around to cook clean and abuse as and when he sees fit.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting and their number is 0808 2000 247.

Pedal I just finished a 5 year relationship for various reasons, but among them - the main trigger for the timing - was him calling me a cunt again, after I had told him not to. He said he'd call me whatever he liked whenever he liked and I could just sit there and listen.

At that point I realised that he had zero respect for me and that all the loving, kind, funny gestures and wonderful holidays etc are completely pointless if they are overshadowed by such spite.

The word itself is awful, but its the venom behind saying it to someone you're supposed to love in the heat of an argument that for me says there are big fundamental problems that can't be resolved like adults.

Dump the abusive twat and find someone who can talk to you as an equal with love and respect at ALL times. It won't be easy, I am still reeling after a month, but I know its for the best as I don't want to spend the rest of my life treading on eggshells so as not to be called a cunt again.

It's the most revolting word in the English language to me, and if my DH ever called me that, I would be gone.

Yeah..... erm NO.

My friends bf called her a cunt. That relationship ended after he went on to hit her.

Another friend had her husband call her a cunt when she was pregnant. He raised his hand to her when baby was 8 months old. The relationship ended shortly after.

The only relationship I know to not end after such a word was used against her was my mother in law and her darling husband. He smacked her about most days and then he died.

My XH called me a cunt on a few occasions. He's an X for a reason.

I move in very naice Home Counties middle class circles. Rest assured when I tell you that your DH hates you to call you that. It's not a word bandied about by the great unwashed. It's a poisonous verbal weapon used to communicate hia contempt for you.

I've not RTFT. I don't need to.

And yes, it is verbal abuse. We can all get cross and say that somebody annoys us or whatever, but when he says something so nasty, with such vitriol, clearly intended to make you feel like shit when you've repeatedly asked him not to, that's not just someone letting off steam, that's an arsehole showing what he really thinks of you.

My dad doesntl talk to my mum like that however my bf family do. They are vile about and towards me and he’s only once stuck up for me when he actually saw it. In our first year we spilt up and he had to ask his mum if it was ok to get back with me. He’s shouted at me in their house etc before and his mum asked ‘what has she done this time’ instead of asking her son to have more respect for the way he talks to women. The problem is everyone thinks he’s great including my family. My relationship would be over if my parents knew what he says to me as my dad would sturrugle to accept it but I’m also aware it’s 2018 and sadly people do talk to each other that way.
He does good because apart from this I really have no other complaints. He does things for me if I need help, takes me out. Sends me nice messages and tells me he loves me. He’s never given me a reason to distrust him and these arguments and insults happen maybe every few months.
He never says sorry or apologises which is a problem but his mum has disliked me so much she’s told him he doesn’t have to do anything in life to make anyone else happy and basically never tells her children when they are wrong ( sister also talks to people disgustingly)

When these arguments die down I do think maybe I’m overreacting, I can be quite annoying and am the first to admit sometimes I act spoilt ( not in the material sense but just sometimes like having a plan of things etc) but then I do think I just can’t do this forever. A select few of my friendss know what he says etc and they are always horrified but then do we only tell our friends the bad stuff?

Agree with PP who have said he’s telling you what he really thinks

He sounds vile and I can't understand why you'd even vaguely think it's ok.

Imagine your kids hearing their mum being called a cunt.

I will say that towards the end of my last relationship I used the word because by that time I hated my ex (abusive) and had zero respect for him

If he can't ever apologise then you have bigger problems than calling you names; he sounds really immature
I wouldn't put up with this for 5 minutes

Calling anyone that ever is not ok. It's a vile word.

I think you need a reality check. He's sweetness and light when you're "behaving". He's absolutely gross to you when you're not.

Christ, I hope you're using protection.

And for the record I was once where you are now. Really.

I met a lovely man ten weeks after leaving XH and we really do have the two kids, white pocket fence lovely life that you (and I once) thought was only true in fairytales.

Stop wasting your time on this scumbag.

she’s told him he doesn’t have to do anything in life to make anyone else happy and basically never tells her children when they are wrong Why doesn't this surprise me?! Entitled bunch of arrogant abusers, he thinks he can do no wrong because mummy said so.

As you can tell, it runs in families, so unless you want your DCs (if you have any) to grow up like this, get him out of your life. You deserve better and so do any future children.

What are you even doing in this relationship though? He and his family sound like actual scum?? Why would you associate with people like this, that is a serious question?

They literally sound like a bunch of ASBO- attracting horror stories. Are you not embarrassed by being part of this mess?

Please leave him! You need to have basic standards for things op...

i dont have children with him. i do however have a house which we finish renovating soon and will be moving into. Hes never lived away from home where as i have.

yes i do find it embarrassing which is why i dont really tell anyone. I didnt think i would ever be in this position i stupidly thought he would change. its an odd situation as i dont rely on him for anything really, we both have good jobs, i have friends and a good family i dont need him for money or stability. sometimes i dont know why i stay, sometimes i worry its that his family have given me so much shit over thre years an tried to tell him im not good enough that it makes me want to stay in the relationship, sometimes i think its because when it comes to men im wuite weak, sometimes i think its because i genuinely do love him.

Totally unacceptable and in my opinion shows that he does not love or respect you.

Well whatever the reason, you can do better! Honestly, it will be hard for a while, but with everything else you have going for you, he is dragging you down. Even if he manages not to call you nasty names you have his awful family to deal with for the rest of your life. Is he really worth it?

This house you're doing up...did you buy it together?

@thelegendofbeans

yes- which is where im now nervous it will get worse. He was ok having a go at me in a house with his parents etc although he never called me it infront of them, he would just raise his voice loud enough so people could hear knowing i would never be so rude to argue in someone elses home and would cringe at them knowing an probably loving him having a go at me so would just apologise.His mum would follow him downstairs asking if hes ok ( like i was always the problem and again justifying his behavior) i worry it will be worse in a house with nobody in. He has NEVER been violent nor shown signs of that

Get rid! He's tied to family apron strings and has no respect ! Let them get on with their tittle tattle lives and rise above it! If he loved you he would defend you. He's a shit!!