Is calling your partner the C word ever ok?

[Pedaltoday]

My partner and I were having an argument over the fact he doesn’t bother making effort with my family but I always have to make effort with his ( they have spent years complaining about me and being nasty to my face and behind my back which I’ve just grinned and bared) not once in the argument did I swear or raise my voice. He started name calling, the usual your pathetic etc so I said I wouldn’t spent my life with someone who constantly name calls. To which he said don’t be with me then, and I responded sometimes I don’t think I want to be anymore. He then said I would happily break up with you, your an ungrateful bit* and then went on to call me a cun. This isn’t the first time he has. We’ve been together 4 years and in that time I’ve never raised my voice, called him a name or insulted him. But he has a short temper when he’s mad and says the worst things. I always end up saying sorry and that I brought it on- This argument ended when I apologised for saying sometimes I didn’t want to be with him to which he called me a cun* again. After an hour of me asking him not to ignore me he accepted my apology. In my head I know I have little to apologise for but I. These rows the easiest thing for me to do is say sorry because the name calling gets to me. In every other aspect he’s a good person. He treats me well and makes effort with me and is trust worthy. I just can’t deal with the name calling and I’ve been asking him for years to stop and he doesn’t. Do I put up and shut up because no body is perfect and he doesn’t do other things that are bad or do I call it a day and walk away from something that is otherwise very good?

@Pedaltoday I know its hard when everyone is piling in insulting the man you love. You probably wanted to hear some more people saying it’s not that bad, they call their partner the same etc. But in the end it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks is acceptable. You’re the only one who is there witnessing the tone, the body language and the awful family circumstances that surround his use of this word to you. You’re the only one who can make the call that you deserve nothing less than total respect and care from the man you share your life with. Whether this is ‘normal’ or ‘not that bad’ or just ‘how people talk in 2018’ you need to decide for your own self esteem is this a relationship that will make you happy in the long run or will all the problems outweigh the happy times? Good luck making that call

That 90% 'nice' isn't really worth the 10% 'nasty', is it? Especially because you probably have to cater to him and walk on eggshells to get that 90%! I know that's the way it was for me. 'But he's nice most of the time really' was my constant thought. Then I realized that he was only 'nice' because I was shoving my own needs and feelings and words down deep inside me to keep him sweet. And that every thoughtful gesture or nice word had a dubious or selfish intent behind it; to keep me entangled with him and believing that it was all my fault.

I agree with Weird, you need to examine the totality of the relationship AND the relationship you would have with his family, especially the effect of it all on any children you may have. Then you need to decide if you think there's any good reason to stay. And just owning a house together, children, and/or 'fear of being alone' is NOT a good reason.

As far as the house, see a solicitor and get a good legal picture of how and how easy it would be to 'disentangle' yourself from it should you choose to do so.

He is dysfunctional, as is his family, bunch of nasty weirdos and believe me they all know the difference between right and wrong, he's simply a product of them, he won't change, he will continue to verbally abuse you because you hang around and accept it.

You need to be with a nice man, much like yourself that does not call you pathetic, put you down and call you a cunt; he's abusive OP, no matter how much you dress it up to be only 10% of the time; fuck that, he's a bully and just a plain nasty human. Sorry.

It's ok for him to slag you off, just not in front of your family and friends, Jesus, raise your bar OP, there are men out there that don't resort to verbal abuse and or get their kicks out of it either.

Op you're confusing bad behaviour, right and wrong with abusive behaviour.
He has learned from being brought up in an abusive family how to abuse. Unfortunately that is often the way so bear that in mind should you choose to go on to have children with him.
He does know right from wrong yes. He chooses to act differently in front of family and friends because he knows the way he acts is wrong. However he still chooses to verbally bully you when he can get away with it. What does that tell you.
I hate to be harsh but he doesn't love or respect you, you are something to control and destroy. I'm not sure people of his ilk are capable of love. He simply uses the knowledge that you love him as a passport to allow him to treat you however he sees fit.
What this treatment eventually does is:
Leaves you in a state of confused despair, willing to try and do anything to avoid an outburst.
That will mean changing yourself, your thoughts your opinions. Learn to keep quiet or act how he wants so not to antagonize him.
It will eventually change everything about you, wear you down. You will eventually begin doubting yourself and your own judgement of situations.That walking on eggshells is not just mentally damaging but has been proven that over sustained periods of time it will have a negative impact on your physical health too.
You say you know you wasn't ready to buy the house, does he have any respect for your boundaries your concerns or does he push you into making decisions that he wants. Then sulk or shout or scream when you ask for time to think. There are so many red flags in your posts.
You won't change him, you can't have the nice without the nasty that's just how it is.
I learned quite quickly that with my ex the nice is all part of the manipulation to keep you there. It allows them to continue to treat you badly.
I would advise that you do some online reading around abusive relationships and the cycle of abuse, also the boiled frog theory. I have a feeling you will find a lot of things you recognise.

He sounds absolutely horrible, as do his family. A man who has to ask his mum for permission to get back with his Ex us weak and spineless . Except he had no problem being a bully when swearing at you.

If parents raised their children with any decency...we wouldn't have men like this. There's no way my mum would sit back in if my brother spoke to his DW like that...and neither would I for that matter.

I'd get away from the whole lot of them and never look back.

Don't have children with this man...you don't need a permanent tie to him.

It's NEVER acceptable to me to call your OH a C**t. Some people may not be so offended by it, but I would be.

On top of that he gets you apologising. It's abusive manipulative behaviour and he's got you under control by doing it.

He who cares the least in a relationship has the most power.

^__^

It'll do you well to remember this.

Maybe I've led a sheltered life but no-one has ever called me a c**t, let alone my husband! In fact we wouldn't call each other names at all.

opinions may vary about the word itself and even how hot arguments can get but a man that cannot recognise his failings and apologise for them is definitively not a man your want to make your life with our have children with. Just leave, he isn't kind. You need kindness.

You said you don't usually argue because you may be avoiding it.

That's where he's got you well trained.

By arguing/making a fuss every time you say something he doesn't like, he makes you avoid 'going there' and so you end up agreeing to his opinions/wants/needs over your own.

That's exactly where he wants you. And it's worked.

Question is, are you willing to be manipulated this way? Or would you you be able to say what you like without fearing his fury?

God imagine if you did have kids with him, his vile parents would be granny and grandad - slagging off you as their mum. Ugh.

How would any child of his turn out?

i discovered this the other day, very insightful. I hope it helps you to make the decision you need to.

verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/things-abusers-say-do/

If you don’t mind me saying OP this isn’t about the name calling - it’s about the really significant last of respect. Saying you are a cu*t that he would happily leave would honestly have me opening the door for him and I’m rarely one to say LTB.

It’s the way he’s talking to you here that’s the issue but just the word. The way he behaves afterwards while you try and apologise for something you haven’t actually done wrong is really poor.

I think without respect for each other there is little to build with going forward.

I’m afraid I did call my H that when I found about his emotional affair years later that wAs never confessed. I believe my words were’lying c*’ I hate the word , I’m not sure where it came from, flaming anger and disbelief I think