Is calling your partner the C word ever ok?

[Pedaltoday]

My partner and I were having an argument over the fact he doesn’t bother making effort with my family but I always have to make effort with his ( they have spent years complaining about me and being nasty to my face and behind my back which I’ve just grinned and bared) not once in the argument did I swear or raise my voice. He started name calling, the usual your pathetic etc so I said I wouldn’t spent my life with someone who constantly name calls. To which he said don’t be with me then, and I responded sometimes I don’t think I want to be anymore. He then said I would happily break up with you, your an ungrateful bit* and then went on to call me a cun. This isn’t the first time he has. We’ve been together 4 years and in that time I’ve never raised my voice, called him a name or insulted him. But he has a short temper when he’s mad and says the worst things. I always end up saying sorry and that I brought it on- This argument ended when I apologised for saying sometimes I didn’t want to be with him to which he called me a cun* again. After an hour of me asking him not to ignore me he accepted my apology. In my head I know I have little to apologise for but I. These rows the easiest thing for me to do is say sorry because the name calling gets to me. In every other aspect he’s a good person. He treats me well and makes effort with me and is trust worthy. I just can’t deal with the name calling and I’ve been asking him for years to stop and he doesn’t. Do I put up and shut up because no body is perfect and he doesn’t do other things that are bad or do I call it a day and walk away from something that is otherwise very good?

I call DH a dizzy cunt all the time.

We’ve said the other is ‘acting like a cunt’

If I called him a cunt/he called me a cunt out of anger that would not be okay.

If we interacted with one another in the way you describe I would not be in that marriage any mor.

Calling your partner a cunt IS violence though.

He's getting ready to abuse you physically but you seem to be ok with it? You need to stop this relationship, seriously.

It doesn't matter if you love him. That's a terrible reason to stay in a relationship. Heroin addicts love heroin, doesn't mean they should never kick the habit. And you can love literally anyone, you do know that right? There are 3.5 billion men on this planet. You do not need to be with this one.

Never okay. None of the things you say he said are okay. Please see this and make a better choice for yourself.

Ask yourself can you cope with a life time of this? Name calling is not on and then to make you apologise for it!!! The best thing I ever did was to end a 6 year relationship with someone who thought it was fine to call me names. I'm now happily married to someone who would NEVER speak to me like that. I would never tolerate that type of behaviour again. I have far to much self respect. My ex could be a charmer too. My family were shocked when we broke up and I told them what he was really like. He doesn't respect you.

@pedaltoday

Well, I only list my experience and that of my contemporaries but I'd suggest that the gnawing feeling you undoubtedly have in your gut re being "alone" in that house together is - on the balance of probability - more likely to be correct than not.

Op please leave him. My ex husband was sweetness and light in the beginning of our relationship. Once we got married and had children he showed his true colours. He started off being verbally abusive , very aggressive and it then soon led to physical violence. He is an only child, his mother completely enabled his behaviour- told him he could never do any wrong etc, everyone else was to blame. The violence culminated in him trying to strangle me in front of our two young children, his mother witnessed this and when I said i would phone the police about the incident, she then threatened me if I did so. I finished our relationship that night and divorced him. Best thing I ever did. I have peace in my life and could never be with such a toxic individual again.

Please leave your vile boyfriend before things escalate, because it is only a matter of time before they do and please do not get pregnant with this man.

@thelegendofbeans is so right.

This has happened to me and yes, this is a sure sign violence is on the cards. It is a test to see what you will tolerate. it will get worse. You deserve so much better than him.

Just RTFT and wanted to share that the person who did it to me was also enabled by his mother, never wrong, totally incapable of an apology and remorse. The minute he has you trapped he will turn on you.

I also see he makes no effort with your own family. Do you find this isolating at all? This is quite a warning sign.

Your partner sounds like an immature bully, enabled by his horrible family. You sound nice.

Please, please leave this relationship.

Nice people (and there are lots of them) don't treat their partners like this. You said it's 2018 and people talk to each other like this? Only terrible people do. It's not the words, it's the intent - I have a good laugh with lots of people who say cunt but they're not saying it to victimise me.

You deserve so much better than this shitheap.

Only if you agree about its use first and there's a safe word.

OP please don't accept such disrespectful treatment from your partner. You need to tell him not to speak to you like that, and if he continues to do so that you will leave him. You need to prioritise your dignity over your relationship. Without dignity in life we have nothing.

Well I have called my not so DH this -after he admitted to falling in love with someone, blamed it on me being a friendless lazy whore with low standards of housework
... does that make me an abuser?? It was said in the midst of almost uncontrollable rage on my part.

Meg - totally justified in your case. Sorry your H is such a douche . It does however illustrate exactly what you think of someone when you call them a cunt. You must fucking hate his guts right now

It l depends on the context and your usual swearing levels.
Personally I swear a lot and cunt to me is no different from any other swear word.
unless it’s used in a spiteful aggressive intimidating and derogatory fashion. But if someone is abusive they could use any word in that way and it becomes abusive.
So in my opinion it’s nots of much the word but how it’s used and the intention behind it .

If anyone called me a cunt, let alone my spouse, I'd instantly lose respect for them and they'd be cut from my life. I swear like a trooper, but I don't ever call my SO names and neither does he. That word = no. Also, yes it's abuse, no he's not a good person. Stop making excuses for the pathetic little man.

Everyone has different boundaries.

I will not tolerate anybody raising their voice to me or swearing at me.

Don’t try and get used to it. Don’t dismiss it because it doesn’t happen very often, or because nobody’s perfect.

Notice that he doesn’t say sorry. It’s because he thinks he was justified and has nothing to apologise for.

This isn’t normal behaviour and you are getting into a serious situation.

It will get more frequent, it will get much worse, and it will be harder to extricate yourself. So please make your move while you can.

I just ended a relationship where i was called a fking b. No one has ever called me that and never will again. I still think of him more then I should but it’s getting better I’m NC and I think of him as dead. Which is easy cause he’s old.

I personally can't even say the word, or even type it.

I think it's the most horrible word ever.

I would expect a major apology for that op and a fair bit of making up to you.

If my dp called me that he would be out of the door, he knows how strongly I feel over it. Similarly, 15 year old ds has used the odd "choice word" lately, especially when getting carried away on FIFA. He knows if I ever heard him say that i would smash the bloody Xbox.

Conversely, one of my closest friends uses it in every other conversation. It just flows from her so easily. I honestly think it sounds horrible and ive told her so.

Disclaimer- I do swear. I'm not a saint. I prefer tamer ones

Worst word. I hate it.
OP I feel you are minimising so all the effort you have out into planning the future will not be wasted.

I'm afraid this is the start of the abuse. But I feel you already know that.

I don't think you should move into the house, he will try to minimise your contact with your family. He will allow you to be abused by his family. You will not be able to raise a family with this man. He will isolate you and make you do it all alone.

It's a little hardship now if you LTB, but long term gains and self-worth.

Each day you stay he chips away at what makes you you, you won't recognise yourself in a year.

With all due respect op why would he stop calling you it. Why would he stick up for you in front of his family. Why would he start showing you respect. He hasn't done any of those things so far and you're still with him. There are no consequences so why would he stop.
Fwiw my ex began calling me names, he then progressed to the c word. I was a fat c a retarded c a stupid nasty c a common c with no class. I was all manner of cxxt's.
His friend also adopted the attitude your bf mum has, oh how is she behaving, what has she done now.
I forgave him every time, I believed him when he apologised, I even ended up apologising when he alluded to it being my fault for pissing him off/annoying him/upsetting him/being moody.
Note he is now my ex. And in case you want to know when or how I realised it needed to end.....it was when he got drunk locked me in the house and repeatedly assaulted me while screaming what a c I was.
I stopped making excuses for him. It's not because you're annoying or spoilt it's because he is a disrepecctful arse. It's not your fault and no amount of modifying your behaviour will stop him verbally or mentally abusing you, trust me I tried everything.
It is done as a way of control. He is using his words to inflict emotional pain on you as a means to control your behaviour, from your posts I can see his tried and tested tactics are working. They've been practiced by many men before him.
I understand how this makes you feel, how much damage this does to you, 6 months of intensive trauma counselling and a ptsd diagnosis has taught me that. Please op there is nothing you can do/change/prevent in relation to how this man acts and treats you because he is an abuser and abusers abuse. Do yourself the biggest favour ever and get out. Then get help to set up some boundaries about how you expect to be treated in the future.

He is horrible! He's abusive OP no matter how you defend him; just nasty, horrible and full of contempt, why on earth are you continuing with such a sad excuse for a partner.

You say "I have a house" that "we are renovating". Exactly what is the legal ownership of the house? Because if his name isn't on it then hell would freeze over before he moved in.

He not only hates you, he hates women in general. You need to kick him into the next county and then bar the gates.

As far as "he's never hit me", well, my exH never hit me either until after we were married.

I really hope this thread gives you the strength to leave before you get in even more deeply with this ‘man’.

@acrossthepond55 we own the house 50/50. My gut told me to back out but i knew if i did it would be the end of us and i wasnt ready or even surei wanted to break up.

despite how it looks im not a stupid person-im aware whats going on and im aware its not ok. I also know in this situation im lucky because i dont financially depend on him at all, i have no children with him.Its just hard because 90% of the time he doesnt put a foot wrong. we dont really argue although that may be down to me avoiding them 1.because i hate name calling 2. his family constantly talk about me negatively so i hate to give them another reason and 3. its not in my nature to.

i just dont get how you can go from one person to the next. he never openly apologies if at all, i have to almost ask for one and his family 100% enable his behaviour. His dad talks to people like crap and the rest of the family, his mum makes out shes the sweetest person on earth but ive seen texts where she says to him that shes been around longer than me so he should be careful who he sides with ( when ive walked out of his house after i got fed up of their behaviour) and heard her talk about me and his sister has little/no friends which is of course everyone elses fault but her own and nothing to do with the fact she talks to people badly. its hard to change someone who has been brought up to never be wrong, to talk to people like shit and isnt accountable for his mistakes. However he does know wrong from right because there is no way in hell he would talk to me like that infront of my family/friends.