Help telling my husband?

[MyNamesAreAllTaken]

Hey all. I’ve name changed because this is fucking embarrassing.
My husband has indulged in some questionable behaviours in the past, but years ago, before we even married and had kids. I thought nowadays we were in a pretty good place.
We also are kind of swingers. We go to a club sometimes and have arranged threesomes before through a site we are both members of. However, he tells me he has no interest in having sex with other people himself, he only wants to watch me do it. Although it can be fun I do it mostly for him; I’d be happy being completely monogamous if he changed his mind. I only ever want to meet guys if my husband is there too. I’ve asked him lots of times if he actually wants an open relationship or anything. He says no.
I suppose I have been a bit concerned with his moods lately. So I checked his phone when he forgot it today.
He has a secret profile on the site we are on. Looking for men, women or couples.
I think it’s wrong. Surely he’s looking to cheat? Or it wouldn’t be a secret. But I feel it’s complicated because we don’t have a “typical” marriage anyway. So... I’m asking
can I be upset by this? I feel like I’m absolutely losing my shit to be honest. I don’t know what to do. And I can’t think of what to tell him.
Sorry for the essay. If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful to hear it.

I had no idea he was even interested in men! His profile isn’t very good so I’d imagine he’s not (hopefully) taken anything further but it seems to only be men that he has messaged. I’m really lost right now.

I think that even if you have an unconventional marriage, it's one that you've both agreed to and you both know what's going on. Regardless of how unconventional that may be, having a secret profile and potentially sleeping with other people without your knowledge seems the same kind of cheating as it would be in a conventional marriage to be.

You have different rules / boundaries to most couples, but you still have them - and this is outside of them.

OP, do you think that there could be a chance, that he is lining up prospective conquests for you, and not himself ?

No he has himself on there as a single man

The thing he did years ago which was bad was I found he had online dating accounts and was swapping photos with girls. This was about 6- 7 years ago now but I suppose it has stuck with me somehow, and now this seems the same sort of thing again. I feel really bad. But I am expecting him to follow this script which ends up making me feel like I’m silly or wrong or something. I suppose I’m looking for affirmation that it is okay that I feel like shit and don’t want to see him.

It doesn't matter what sort of relationship you have, there are defined rules and this breaks them. You absolutely can be upset by this and you need to talk to him. The most important thing in any sort of "open" relationship is honesty, without honesty it is cheating.

I have a friend that was in an open relationship, they agreed upfront that anything goes as long as they are both aware and it was just about sex not feelings. His partner broke that agreement multiple times and kept trying the old "I didn't want to upset you" line. After the 3rd time he gave up trying and is now in a much happier relationship.

Yes I suppose I kind of know at this point he is this kind of person. I wish he would change. Realistically I know I need to suck it up or move on. But it’s not that easy to just move on is it. We have children. I am a stay at home mum. My mum died a couple years ago, I really wouldn’t have anywhere to go either.
Why couldn’t he just be a normal guy? And be happy with us and try and keep our family together? Why does he have to test me so much?!!

Well he has done something wrong. If this was ok he would be telling you not sneakily doing it.

It doesn't matter if your marriage isn't conventional. You have an agreement and he's broken it. He's moved the goalposts

Maybe he's happy to watch you with other people so in some way when he does it to you (behind your back) he doesn't consider it as cheating - which yes it is, maybe he sees it as some sort of justification ?

Yes it is absolutely ok to feel the way you do, you have every right to be angry and upset. I would be if I was you.

Yes you may have an unconventional relationship but this is based upon an agreement that you have had and with boundaries you’ve both discussed. Him having a profile for himself is not something you’ve discussed or both agreed to, this therefore is a complete betrayal of your trust.

In you scenario I would completely expect his defence to be that of shock or outrage with him saying that he didn’t think you’ve be upset or bothered considering your set up. This is bull and he knows it as otherwise he wouldn’t have hidden it from you.

He has broken your trust and it takes a lot of trust an understanding to have the kind of relationship you do. He has now ruined it.

Lastly it sounds as though you want a conventional monogamous relationship. You say it can be fun but that you only do it for him. I would suggest that for your own sake you don’t do it anymore, especially when you can’t trust him.

So he's got you having sex with others when it's not really your thing.

I suggest he has never stopped getting his sexual kicks above and beyond any loyalty to you.

I wrote to him and told him I know this and I’m not happy and I was right not to trust him and I don’t think he’s ever going to change etc. I asked him to leave me to have my space and time. He probably won’t though and will come home and just work and work on wearing me down til I let it blow over as per usual with anything he ever does secretly ever that I find out about. He did of course respond and ask what he’d done wrong so I told him and told him I’d also screenshot it. Now home after school run. Having a glass of wine. Trying to chill out. Don’t really know what to do or how to feel. I’ve no idea if he has actually had sex with anyone else. I’ve had suspicions to be honest when we’ve had sex that he might have. He also had a friend on the same site! Also secretly hiding it from his girlfriend who he has a baby with. Clearly my husbands friends are not good guys either. I feel like it’s just getting worse!

Sounds like you already know he's going to try lying and wriggling his way out of it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this? For me once trust is broken that's it. Sorry, stay strong

Why are you having sex with men to make your husband happy?

I’m having sex to make my husband happy because I’m clearly an idiot. You’re right. He’s done other stuff I’ve not even mentioned. He IS a cock. What to do about it is much harder though. He has told me if I ever want to break up I need to leave as he is never leaving the house but I’ve really got nowhere to go. I have no money either, probably on purpose from him so I can’t ever just up and run away..!!

I mean I worry he’d really make our children and I go without food and swan in and out of the house as he pleases to piss me off if I tell him we’re done. Should I just print divorce papers??? I mean, if it came to it he’d have to go to court to get me out right and they’d not make me leave the house? I’d have a shit few months in the meantime though.

Op this is very sad you don’t sounds like you’ve been an active participant in this situation and doing it for him. That’s not a loving relationship.

He once made me have sex with a man for money. This is all wrong isn’t it. Why do I let myself be so led astray?

You need to see a solicitor ASAP

Your married you have more rights than he's leading you to believe

It’s not our house, we rent it.

I don’t know. He’ll make me think I’m over reacting! He’ll say sorry I feel this way and explain and just act like normal and I’m so tired and can’t be bothered and I usually just let him off. I KNOW I shouldn’t and I feel bad in myself but I don’t know what to do.

Its just my view but i dont think a woman should have sex with other man because it makes her husband/partner happy and presumably he likes to watch? It sounds like some kind of abusive power trip.

OMG, you need to get away from this cretin, you need counselling for yourself to work out why you think you are worth so little, he sounds really, really horrible, as does his friend, pair of nasty fuckers who will shag anything that moves.

This is your future OP, only you can change it, he likes you there to use like a piece of garbage and hand out to other men, that's absolutely rank.

He might be your husband but by the sounds of it he's also your pimp. Sorry