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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help telling my husband?

63 replies

MyNamesAreAllTaken · 07/03/2018 13:49

Hey all. I’ve name changed because this is fucking embarrassing.
My husband has indulged in some questionable behaviours in the past, but years ago, before we even married and had kids. I thought nowadays we were in a pretty good place.
We also are kind of swingers. We go to a club sometimes and have arranged threesomes before through a site we are both members of. However, he tells me he has no interest in having sex with other people himself, he only wants to watch me do it. Although it can be fun I do it mostly for him; I’d be happy being completely monogamous if he changed his mind. I only ever want to meet guys if my husband is there too. I’ve asked him lots of times if he actually wants an open relationship or anything. He says no.
I suppose I have been a bit concerned with his moods lately. So I checked his phone when he forgot it today.
He has a secret profile on the site we are on. Looking for men, women or couples.
I think it’s wrong. Surely he’s looking to cheat? Or it wouldn’t be a secret. But I feel it’s complicated because we don’t have a “typical” marriage anyway. So... I’m asking
can I be upset by this? I feel like I’m absolutely losing my shit to be honest. I don’t know what to do. And I can’t think of what to tell him.
Sorry for the essay. If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful to hear it.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 07/03/2018 18:16

I suggest you call women's aid ASAP for some advice about the house and what to do next. I'm so sorry he's abusing you this way Flowers

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 07/03/2018 18:19

So I really should leave him? I’m not over reacting? I’m not crazy? He makes me think I’m being silly.

OP posts:
RaspberryCheese · 07/03/2018 18:22

Well said Adora10...

OP this behaviour has just become normalised in your mind and so you cannot see how crazy it is. Trust in mumsnet. If people are telling you its crazy then it probably is.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 07/03/2018 18:22

I just don’t want to feel so lonely. He is nice to me. Most of the time.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/03/2018 18:56

No judgement as I know a fair bit about this.
It sounds like your DH is into the hotwife fetish with a bit of cuckoldery.

However the money side of things is very different and crosses a line.

A fair amount of cuckolds have secret desires to be with men and have kept that side of themselves a secret from their wives.

The only thing that matters is that you don't seem to be a willing participant to the swinging...so you should stop agreeing to it.

wantmorenow · 07/03/2018 19:29

I swing. My DP and I swing. We have been in the scene for about 3 years. What you are describing is not my experience of a swinging scene/couple. He is being a cheat and unfaithful because he has his own agenda which has not been agreed, is hidden from you and ultimately destructive of trust. Seems you were willing to partake of the swinging but you didn't get much out of it and it's clouding the issue which is that he is secretly seeking others for sexual kicks (whether its men or women).

Given his other unpleasant traits and your references to 'questionable behaviour' in the past which you refer to, I really think that the only craziness on your part would be to stay in a relationship with him. He's dishonest and not mindful of you as a person to be respected, treated kindly and loved.

I'm sure he can be lovely at times and he's not all bad but fundamentally he is not nice to you and does not have your welfare and happiness as any sort of priority. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 07/03/2018 19:59

Thank you everyone for your messages Smile

OP posts:
BleakBetty · 07/03/2018 20:05

Agree with PPs that the goalposts have been moved - he’s kept this secret and his dishonesty is totally unacceptable.

If you sleeping with other men is purely for his satisfaction and fetish, I would refuse to continue and demand a monogamous relationship. But from what you’ve said he doesn’t seem to be that way inclined Confused. I’m sorry OP, I think you deserve better Flowers

Babdoc · 07/03/2018 20:11

I agree with all the pp, that you would be better off without this abusive relationship. Can I also advise that you get checked for STI's? You don't know if your husband has been having unprotected sex with the people he meets behind your back.
And get some legal advice re your tenancy and a divorce. And some assertiveness training, to help you realise that you deserve so much better than this awful charade of a marriage! Good luck.

AriAliyah · 07/03/2018 20:12

@FailingTheBoyfriendExam took the words right out of my mouth. Whatever you do in your relationship openly and consensually is your business and yours alone.

He's choosing to do something and hide it from you, which is completely unacceptable. Sorry you're going through this. Technology can make life awfully difficult sometimes.

sparklepops123 · 07/03/2018 20:42

Have you spoke to him recently

WombOfOnesOwn · 07/03/2018 23:59

For MONEY?

Yes, this man is an abusive pimp. This is why so many women defend their pimps and call them husbands and boyfriends--because that is how it starts out!

Your husband is a bad, bad man who should be imprisoned for what he's doing. If you just LTB, it's a fairly lenient way of dealing with the matter.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 08/03/2018 06:48

Yeah well I don’t know exactly that he was trying to pimp me out I think he just thought the idea was hot. To be honest it happened one time as I’d been drinking and went along with it but I felt bad and when he tried to get me to go meet another guy the next day I just cried and he didn’t make me.
But it was bad. When I stopped feeling so bad about myself I told him off and that he’d seriously crossed a line and good husbands don’t behave that way. And we fell out for a while. And after that is when things got much much better. Until now, when I see he is secretly on this site.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 08/03/2018 06:53

I haven’t talked to him, I wrote and told him I knew and that I didn’t want to enter into a conversation about it (because i know he’d give me some bullshit excuses and I don’t want to hear them) so last night I asked if he has actually had sex with anyone else, he says no. I am inclined to believe he hadn’t yet BUT clearly the intention is there or you’d not bother being on these websites. Anyway he said he thought I didn’t want to talk about it and I agreed I didn’t and left it at that. I may just print off divorce papers online, I’ve read you can do it yourself?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 08/03/2018 07:16

Listen op - see a solicitor asap!!

If you are married you have far more rights than you seem to think. Many solicitors will give you a free half hour of advice.

Do it! Don't let him have all the control in this relationship- you need to take charge of your own future here.

Good luck.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 08/03/2018 07:32

I really don’t want to get into too much hassle, i helped my mum with her divorce and it was ever such a lot of running around to the solicitor and I can’t tag my very hard work toddler along to that. My older child is in school which is easier but I’ve got two years before the youngest is! I’m wondering if I might be able to fit in divorce counselling or mediation etc during the preschool session if it’s nearby.
Do some people live together while getting divorced? I mean am I being unrealistic expecting someone would move out right away? I know some do. But does everyone?
I don’t want to stay like this, having more and more of myself worn away Over the years. I know I have issues anyway. I had an abusive sort of relationship with my mother, a bad time with my stepdad. I’ve always had that around me. I’ll be honest, my husband is the nicest of an abusive bunch! I’m probably not quite the person I ought to be inside. But I do think I’m a good person, I am nice, I am a good mum. My children are happy. But they really love their dad and I don’t know how I’d send them off to visit him because he does such a poor job looking after them.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/03/2018 07:37

Good morning OP, please make today the beginning of new and happy tomorrow's. Speak to Women's Aid, and take their advice on board. Make plans to see a Solicitor, or visit the Citizens Advice Bureau, you need to find out your entitlements. When you've done this, you will have a clearer vision ahead. It will not be as difficult as you are envisioning.
You have been brainwashed by this excuse of a man, he is demeaning you to satisfy his self, no thought for you. If you once again, try to brush this under the carpet, you will end up a shell, a shadow of yourself, with no confidence and no hope.
Do this for you and your children, you may be a wife, but more importantly, you are a Mother, responsible for other lives.
You deserve, and can gave so much more. This thread started off very sad, I'd like to see a happy ending ! 💐

springydaff · 08/03/2018 08:36

You need to get the right support to guide and support you through this.

Call your local Women's Aid asap and start to get the ball rolling.

You need support and expert advice bcs it's not just the divorce you want but more besides (eg you aren't confident he will look after the kids properly during contact).

You can't do this alone, there is too much involved. Get the right people on side asap - call Women's Aid and get this started.

springydaff · 08/03/2018 08:38

I don't know how the law stands on pimping but you need proper legal advice and representation.

springydaff · 08/03/2018 08:39

You may be eligible for legal aid. Women's Aid will guide you.

C0untDucku1a · 08/03/2018 08:45

Op this isn't swinging. This is your husband pressuring you to do things to make / keep him happy. And having a single account on swinging sites that is a secret from your partner is really frowned upon. Swingers arent cheating as they are doing it woth full consent and partnership. Your husband is cheating. And also making you think youre over reacting is a major issue.

Dont try to deal with everything at once. First, find somewhere to live. Sort out any benefits you might be entitled to. See a solicitor. See your doctor who might be able to refer you to counselling.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 08/03/2018 09:53

I feel like I need some space from him so I can figure everything out without his hassling me to get over it. I want him out of my head you know? I want to make sense of things.
Maybe I can go somewhere even just for the weekend.

OP posts:
springydaff · 08/03/2018 10:09

Call Women's Aid. That will give you space in your head.

Original poster
MyNamesAreAllTaken · 08/03/2018 10:20

I don’t know that my sitaution is bad enough that I need to call women’s aid. I wouldn’t want to take resources that someone else would need more.
I’m quite sure I could handle things if I just could figure out how to move out. I have no family nearby. Perhaps I need to fill out housing forms. But that might take ages to get going? Should I try and hang it out until my youngest gets free hours and I can work? I don’t know. I know nobody can actually tell me, but it’s nice to know people are reading and understanding. Thank you.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 08/03/2018 10:22

Your situation IS bad enough. Call women's aid they will just help you see clearer