Feeling low

[justwanttobeme]

My marriage isn't bad, but it's not great either. DH is mostly a good man but he gets cross/frustrated/angry quickly and often and at those times I want to leave him but then when he's calmed down I quickly forget and all goes back to normal.

I'm starting to dream more and more about having a place of my own with the DC but yet I'm not really sure why cos I wouldn't say I'm necessarily unhappy the majority of the time,

Not really sure why I'm posting, just want a bit of perspective or a chat about things I can't chat about in RL. x

Hi. Do you think there is a reason why he is so bad tempered (or has he always been like that?). Do you think he is happy in his life? Do you think he might be taking something out on you?

He has always been quite bad tempered, he's very much the world is full of idiots and he's always right sort of man. I think he is happy in life, well he is when it's going the way he wants. No I don't think he's taking anything out on me. He's bad tampered with the DC as well, gets annoyed when they do things wrong, forgets they are children (well teens).

I feel for you. Being married to a grumpy sod can wear you down - I should know
It's really hard because if that's what he is like, then it's hard to change someone's personality. That said it's not fair if he takes his bad moods out on you and the kids and you should tell him so. Maybe if he is more aware of how it impacts on you, he might be more conscious to change his behaviour/reactions to situations.
Not sure what advice to give. Sorry to not be able to help more.

To be honest I wouldn't call him grumpy cos he is quite happy other then when he is kicking off over something stupid.

I also feel like I have no control over my own life and I think that's a lot of making me feel down, whilst I wouldn't say DH Is controlling as such he does like to take the lead on organising stuff mostly so it's done right (his words used a lot) and gets angry/annoyed if I don't agree or want to do what he wants, not all the time but quite a lot.

I have told him how he makes me feel and he calms down for a while but then goes back to the usual anger or frustration as he likes to call it.

Sounds like he's quite domineering and like he feels that his view/decision is the most important one. Not only can it make you feel out of control, but it devalues you and your opinions because it's as if they are worthless/don't matter/not as important as his. I'm not surprised you feel low as a result of this.

It's hard because nobody is perfect and leaving him and starting again would be upsetting and not something to do unless you've really got to the end of the road with it all.

I was married to someone like this for almost 30 years. It absolutely grinds you down.

I've left him now and I feel so much better.

Yes you're right Cambionome it does grind you down but like you say Rutsville no one is perfect and leaving would be massively upsetting.

It's really hard to explain about him cos he's not controlling as in not wanting me to go out without him or keeping me short of money etc but just likes his own way and goes on and on until I agree with him or he puts me down and tells me he won't sort the mess out when I mess up.

TBH he sounds like he wants a slap round the head with a big wet bag of cowshit.

Do you dread the sound of him pulling up outside?

Completely agree with NotTheFordType about the bag of cow shit.

Seriously, it really isn't good for your mental health to continue living in this depressing way. And as for constantly putting you down... how dare he.

I have to be honest I do love having a day off work when he is still at work.

He's also one of those husbands who thinks cos we're married he must know every little thing about me even things that happened in my life before I met him.

Hmmm - I'm starting to question your opinion of him being mostly a good man...

I would also agree with NotTheFordType here.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you with this individual who gets a rise out of being a grumpy sod. What you are describing here really is a continuous cycle of him alternating between nice and nasty, a man who is happiest when he gets his own way and puts you down till you acquiesce.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here, would you want this for them as adults too?. No you would not but you are doing your bit here to show them that currently at least, his treatment of you all is still acceptable to you.

You have a choice re him, they do not.

"He's also one of those husbands who thinks cos we're married he must know every little thing about me even things that happened in my life before I met him".

Really, that is very bad. And that behaviour of his further fuels his underlying nasty nature no doubt. He really does want ownership of you.

Nothing wrong with wanting a place of your own with the DC either, your children would also thank you.

I agree it's not good for my DC to see but not sure if leaving is a better option.

We'd have to sell the house if we separated and would be very little money left after the remaining mortgage plus some debt was paid off so unless it left enough money to place a deposit on a rented property I'd have to apply for a council property and obviously they are not easy to come by so I could potentially make me and my DC homeless. I only have a part time job so money would be very tight.

I know deep down I'm letting my DC down but I can't shake the feeling of failure for separating also. Especially when it's doesn't feel bad all the time, things can be good for weeks even months without a bad episode of him being angry or upset.

Whilst I believe I do love him I'm not sure I'm in love with him and haven't been for many years.

In your heart of hearts, if you won the lottery today - enough money for you both to have a house - do you think you would leave him?

It does sound like circumstance is what is holding you back. I completely understand that, but life is short and it's such a waste if you're not happy.

It sounds like he really dictates the mood of the house. If he is happy, then you all are. If he's in a argumentative/angry/annoyed then it brings you all down.

And it's really not good that you feel like you have no control. I would suggest working out the specifics of what would need to change so you don't feel like that anymore.

It sounds like he really dictates the mood of the house. If he is happy, then you all are. If he's in a argumentative/angry/annoyed then it brings you all down. That is it exactly Rutaville

The complexity of our financial situation is a massive issue on whether I leave or not, also I can't go into it without maybe outing myself but there is something in our life that causes major issues in his moods and mine also but he wanted it even though I didn't and he won't change it cos again it would impact on our life massively in a negative way but I'd rather that happen and then rebuild things cos I believe I would be happier in the long run after the initial fallout.

Yes I do believe I'd leave if I won the lottery tomorrow.

Hi justwanttobeme

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I agree it's not good for my DC to see but not sure if leaving is a better option".

Why do you think that?. Staying with this man is doing none of you any favours at all; he will continue to rule the roost and further teaches the children that a loveless relationship is their norm too. You also seemingly get nothing from this relationship with him, you have not answered what you get from it probably because you cannot.

"We'd have to sell the house if we separated and would be very little money left after the remaining mortgage plus some debt was paid off so unless it left enough money to place a deposit on a rented property I'd have to apply for a council property and obviously they are not easy to come by so I could potentially make me and my DC homeless. I only have a part time job so money would be very tight".

This may well be mere supposition on your part; you are married and as such have legal rights. I would seek legal advice re all of the above asap. I actually doubt very much that you would become homeless and it may well be that you could stay where you are. No obstacle to leaving is actually insurmountable, you just need to give your own self permission to leave.

"I know deep down I'm letting my DC down but I can't shake the feeling of failure for separating also. Especially when it's doesn't feel bad all the time, things can be good for weeks even months without a bad episode of him being angry or upset".

If anyone has failed her its him for treating you and these children in the ways he has and continues to do. His actions are based on and around power and control. Your second sentence here is really describing the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. You're constantly awaiting the next outburst from him.

"Whilst I believe I do love him I'm not sure I'm in love with him and haven't been for many years".

Your kids have picked up on all the vibes between you two at home and have likely seen more than either of you care to realise. Do not do your bit to teach them that a loveless relationship for them will be their norm too. Do not let them ever wonder of you why you put him before them.

If you do want to be as your username suggests then you will have to separate from him.

Where do I start though, I don't have the money to pay to see a solicitor and all our money is joint so he'd notice as well. Do I put my name down the council housing list just in case.

I've messed up my life financially, I know I'm messing up my DC at the minute but yet I still don't have the guts to do anything about it, a few months back there was an argument that got out of hand and in all fairness if I'd have called the police my DH may have been taken away or at least have had a good talking to but again I did nothing and just let my DC down, I feel a bad mum when I think of the things that have happened or been said but like I've already mentioned when it's all over and he's made his apology we all go back to normal and he thinks it's ok cos it was done/said in anger.

My DH has got a foul temper, so I can understand how you are feeling. Over the years, I've adopted a technique of not reacting to an outburst whatsoever, leaving the room or even talking the dog out or putting headphones on. It massively lowers the impact of a meltdown when they don't get the attention from it..... very like a toddler tantrum. Easier said than done when you want to hit them with a heavy blunt object ..... but it does help.
My DH runs his own business, and has staff who are paid to do as he says and wants things done. That was something he also tried to adopt at home, and in our early marriage when I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to answer back, he was a steamroller at times. Now I have a voice, and I'm confident and happy to say "No, that's not what I want to do" and mean it. It causes some conflict at times, but he has to appreciate that a marriage only works if you're both happy about something.
If you really feel like leaving isn't an option, can you try and get some confidence building, even if it's a book - feeling you have the strength to stand up to someone isn't easy, especially when they've had years of getting their own way. I went to Relate, on my own, and it massively helped how I reacted and dealt with him. I'm not excusing his behaviour in any way but you can change how you react to it if that makes sense.

justwanttobeme

You need information and knowledge after all is power.

I would have a chat with the Rights of Women organisation rightsofwomen.org.uk/.

Also look at entitledto www.entitledto.co.uk/

I'm sorry for you OP. This has turned out worse than I thought. Most solicitors will give you 30 minutes of free advice (no obligations).
I do think that the unknown is the greatest fear here and the more information you can gather will help ease your worries.

I truly believe in giving someone the opportunity to change their ways but only you know if that is really an option.

JaneEyre70 my DH is a manager so yes very similar, he either takes a manager role with us or like a teacher (which he's never been) only he gets nasty, put downs and name calling.

Oh and you are not a bad mum - you have tried to keep family life stable as best you can and nobody would blame you for that.

In regards to the questions about what do I get from the marriage, I get to be part of the nuclear family I always wanted, and I know it may be odd but he can be very supportive to me, was great and just like any normal DH should be when I recently had some health issues and he also provides for us financially.

i can relate op big hugs, I think of the old saying "well if the good outweighs the bad" but what if its niether or? its a tricky one. maybe its time to have a firm chat with your DH.