Feeling low

[justwanttobeme]

My marriage isn't bad, but it's not great either. DH is mostly a good man but he gets cross/frustrated/angry quickly and often and at those times I want to leave him but then when he's calmed down I quickly forget and all goes back to normal.

I'm starting to dream more and more about having a place of my own with the DC but yet I'm not really sure why cos I wouldn't say I'm necessarily unhappy the majority of the time,

Not really sure why I'm posting, just want a bit of perspective or a chat about things I can't chat about in RL. x

You did not use words like love, fulfillment, companionship and respect for what you get out of the marriage. You cited being part of a nuclear family you always wanted and he providing financially. This is all really built on sand.

Such men can be nice sometimes but again what you are describing here is part of the overall nice and nasty cycle he inflicts on you all and that is a continuous one.

Also you have tried talking to him before with this result:-

"I have told him how he makes me feel and he calms down for a while but then goes back to the usual anger or frustration as he likes to call it".

Such men do not change, they may try for a bit but revert to type soon enough. He cannot and will not change for you or anyone else; his attitudes are deeply ingrained within his own self. I would imagine that one or both his parents acted the same within his household when he was growing up. That's a possible reason amongst many and not any excuse or justification.

Hi Just - you have probably not seen his behaviour as controlling but it is. Look up the Freedom Programme - contacts women's aid to talk things through - just to get advice - it's confidential. There is lots of information out there. It doesn't solve your problems but will give you some insight and understanding. It's not YOU. They convince you it is. You have appeased him to keep the peace. He's obviously is abusive as you could have called the police a while ago. Next time call them.
Let others know - some family members if you trust them, your friends, the GP.
After having disagreements with my now ex - it took me hours to recover and I was so relieved when he went out as I could "recover" from these episodes. I would think your mood maybe flat dealing with this.
Mine did hit me - grabbed my arm - pulled my hair - about 10 times before I pressed charges.
The biggest help for me was by reading the threads on here and removing the secrecy and shame I felt.
I wish you well 🌺

It seems as though finances are a major stumbling block to your separation. I was in a very controlling marriage, and my partner ensured that literally every penny I spent was accounted for, because she knew that I would try to accumulate the deposit for a rented flat if given the chance. She eventually put our house on the market so that we could move closer to her DD and increase our mortgage at a time in our lives when we should have been reducing our outgoings. Our house sold quickly but by some miracle I found the strength to tell her I wanted to leave.

That took all my mental energy and I let her destroy me financially, as I just wanted to get out at any price. I did get out of it alive, and went from a detached 4 bed, double garage, home, new car, etc., to living in a tiny place and 15 year old cars. However, I was happy to be out that finances did not matter; life was tough, but at least I had a life.

Sixteen years later, I am in another relationship (which is wonderful) and I am saddled with a mortgage until I am 70, but I have never been happier. So the moral of my tale is to not be too concerned about the finances; you will not starve if you leave. Take control of your life and do what you want to do.

Unfortunately the finance issues have been of my own doing and he is helping to pay my debts off so he is good in that respect.

It is hard to decide if he is controlling or not cos like I mentioned earlier he doesn't stop me going out or keep me short of money, examples of what he does is

Looks at my phone.
Gets a bit sulky over friends he doesn't know on my social media especially males.
If I mention having talked to a friend, asks who rang/text first.
Got annoyed when looking at my phone as to why I'd messaged a friend several times that day but only him once.
Makes a fuss if I see a friend when it's his day off rather then me spending the day with him.

I do think he is quite insecure and needs to feel that he is my first priority over everyone else (other then the DC).

The five examples of his behaviour are all red flags re him. He is more than simply just insecure here, he is trying to both control and monitor your social life outside the home.

Have you ever sought advice from the likes of Stepchange re the level of debt?.

Attila DH wouldn't let anyone be involved such as step change.

Are you worried about his reaction if you told him you wanted to split up? Do you think he would be able to act in a fair way or do you think he could turn nasty? I have no doubt that he would be upset but do you worry about what his reaction would be?

"Attila DH wouldn't let anyone be involved such as step change".

May I ask why that is?. Or does he want to use your debt to control you further with by helping you get rid of the debt and making you feel more obligated to him?

Attila it's about just not wanting other people to know rather then a control thing with the financial stuff, he's also someone who doesn't really talk about his worries, feelings etc other then with me. He would never tell a friend anything and can't understand people who need to, thinks it's bad in a relationship to talk to a friend about any problems you may be having.

Call your local Women's Aid and talk it through with them. They are the experts and won't push or force but will let you know what your options are. They will support you all the way.

Eg you may not lose the house at all - I think you'll be surprised at what you may get should you split.

You say he wouldn't "allow" Eg Stepchange - you are an adult, he is not your dad. He has no right or authority to dictate who you speak to or share your own information with.

You say he isn't controlling bcs he doesn't Eg restrict your movements but he is controlling. You sound like those women who used to say ' he's not an abuser, he doesn't hit me' in the days before we found out there are many ways to abuse, it's not just physical violence.

He wants control of you, like you are his property. Like you're his dog or horse that must be obedient to him. You can't do key things without his permission. Of course he can be 'good' sometimes but that's bcs he's got you where he wants you most of the time. Just bcs he doesn't score 10/10 for abuse doesn't mean he's not an abuser. 1/10 abuse is one point too many. Most people are nice to their dogs and horses but it isn't an equal relationship with equal rights.

You probably feel sorry for him when you think of leaving him. I assure you, he doesn't feel sorry for you. He doesn't treat you the way he does bcs he can't help it, he does it bcs he enjoys it. He likes having power over you. You don't need to feel sorry for him you need to feel sorry for you and the kids.

Definitely worried about the reaction if I said I was leaving Rutsville, yes he would definitely be upset and may turn nasty his usual reply to keeping me in check is how he will tell everyone all the bad things I've done (obviously I'm not perfect and I have made mistakes such as the debts) especially the DC mostly cos he doesn't want people thinking he's a bad person and I'm a little miss goody two shoes.

"his usual reply to keeping me in check is how he will tell everyone all the bad things I've done" - This is awful.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You will get through this. It probably seems insurmountable but try to break every step down into reasonable chunks and start by gathering as much information as you can. Best of luck.

Thank you all for all the help, advice and kind words, it's so hard to decide the best way forward. Read all your replies and started to really make me think how i can't go on feeling like this and I must protect my DC then he comes home from work and we are a normal loving family and my head starts to go into overdrive as to whether it is as bad as I think and can I just live with it cos the good days outweigh the bad.

Yes, maybe you can put up with it. But it's not just you in this, it's your kids. What they are learning about relationships is damaging to them - they will all go on to replicate this dynamic in their relationships, either as the perpetrator or the victim.

It is a 'loving' family bcs he has control. It wouldn't be 'loving' if he didnt have control, things would be very different then.

Read ''why Does He Do That' by lundy Bancroft. Do the Freedom Programme. Both will get your head straight in record time. I can't recommend the FP highly enough.

I was married to someone like your husband. Even now, decades after I left him, I still wonder sometimes if he was 'that bad'. He really was that bad, in fact much worse. It's a bit like an optical illusion, hard to see sometimes.

He's only nice to you when you're obeying him

He sounds really controlling and it's a horrible example of a relationship for your children.

If he left me I'm sure it would be so much easier to sort out

You don't believe your relationship is damaging the kids, do you?

Sorry, that's blunt.

I mean you're not acting as though you believe it.

They seem happy I asked one yesterday if they would be upset if we split up and they said yes but would be ok as long as still saw us both

If you have a daughter then you're showing her she should put up with this and if you have a son he's learning this is an acceptable way for a man to behave

I tell my DC how the way their dad behaves is wrong so they do know, I don't try to cover it up as normal, it is just so hard to know which is the right way to go and if leaving would also damage them but just in a different way.

Of course they would be upset if you split! That goes without saying.

They have NO IDEA the model you have presented to them is damaging - bcs this is all they've every known.

Splitting isn't easy, no, but it's a darn sight better than what you're doing to them now.

I'm sorry to be blunt. I can see you aren't going to leave him, you aren't going to grasp the nettle, you're going to hope it'll all go away. Are you staying for the children or for yourself?

You may be right springydaff I may never leave him and that is why I said it would be easier if he was to leave me, take the decision out of my hands.

If I'm honest I'm probably staying for both me and the DC but more so me.

I struggle to decide if the abusive outbursts are really abusive or just hurtful words said in anger during an argument.

I wasn't brought up in a household with mum & dad and DH is the only partner I've ever lived with so I have nothing to compare with, I'm no angel and I do shout, swear etc during an argument but I feel DH is much more nasty with it really goes for the kill so to speak but like I say if I've done something really hurtful to him is this just a normal reaction I don't know.

but more so me.

I feel very angry about this.