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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend and work

59 replies

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:18

My boyfriend doesn't work. He finished a temporary job in December and then wanted to join the british army. He then changed his mind so is looking for work now. He is being so picky about it though! He's never really been a great worker but he's being so picky! Like he has just gotten an interview for a job that's evenings and weekends and he is all like oh those are family times. And I'm like you need to work we need money coming in. We have a 5 month old daughter so I'm at home with her at the moment and we have both agreed that that is the best option and I will go out to work in the next few months but right now we feel she is too young to start childcare. So we have no income coming in and he is being picky about the times he works. Can I get some opinions on this to see if I'm being unreasonable or not? Xx

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 06/03/2018 11:20

Can't he try temporary work, pub/supermarket while looking for something more full time and permanent.

elQuintoConyo · 06/03/2018 11:22

He is a cocklodger. Happy to live with someone getting regular sex, hot meals, roof over his head, laundry done, with no intention of contributing financially to the family pot.

Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck the fuck off - it might jolt him into pulling his finger put of his arse. I'm so angry for you

PNGirl · 06/03/2018 11:24

I can sort of see the logic in not wanting to work evenings and weekends. If you were at work in the day and he was doing childcare then it would make sense but if you're at home he may as well work less antisocial hours.

It depends how desperate you are though and how likely he is to get a 9-5.

PNGirl · 06/03/2018 11:26

Fwiw, myself or my husband have said we'd go and do 24hr supermarket night shifts rather than be out of work. 💐

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:28

He is applying for all type of jobs as he doesn't have a qualification behind him and neither do I as we are 20 with a 5 month old angel. Like we have no income coming in and I just want him to grow up and take pride and provide for our relationship xx

OP posts:

NotTheNineInchNails · 06/03/2018 11:28

That doesn't make sense. If you're at home full time with the baby, then any time is "family time" isn't it? Could understand more if you were working Mon-Fri 9-5, but it's clearly just an excuse.

PhelanThePain · 06/03/2018 11:29

So how are you eating? Who is paying rent?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/03/2018 11:30

He can have "family tie" with you in the daytime though can't he?

Tell him to get off his arse and bring some money in

This will be you forever now. Worrying about money and having to chivvy him along. " He's never really been a great worker"

MagicFajita · 06/03/2018 11:31

What's your employment status op? Are you on maternity leave?

Sorry if I missed that information.

notheretoargue · 06/03/2018 11:31

He needs to get a job. And I’m afraid you need to assume that he can’t provide for your family, so find out what benefits you’re entitled to, find a job and organise childcare as soon as you fee your daughter is ready.

PNGirl · 06/03/2018 11:33

Ah. If he's 20 and is trying to pretend he's still a teenager with no responsibilities then that's different to if he had worked for years and you had a savings cushion!

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:36

Exactly that's what I said! That we can have family time when he isn't working as our angel and I are at home! I'm not working as we moved when I was pregnant so couldn't get a job so did some volunteering until 36 weeks along. So when we feel our daughter is ready to go to childcare I will go out and work too. We are living on benefits right now and living with my dad xx

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 06/03/2018 11:38

Could you both do some part time work in the meantime so both of you can care for your baby?

AutumnalTed · 06/03/2018 11:41

He’s living off you and your dad, tell him to get off his arse and do something with himself. Get yourself out and about to baby groups during the day, go and do things and enjoy your baby and stop making staying at home seem so luxurious. Alternatively, can you work and he stay at home with the baby? How would you feel about that?

MagicFajita · 06/03/2018 11:41

You're both so young op , pregnancies happen (happened to me at 18) so I won't tell you to get a job now and kick you while you're down. You do , however , need to take responsibility for your life.

At only 20 your dp sounds unable to take responsibility for family life so you need to decide what your plan is. Will you go to college/uni or work? Will you stay with a man that thinks it's okay to coast through life and not earn his keep?

Lots to think about op and I wish you well.

NomsQualityStreets · 06/03/2018 11:42

Your "D"P sounds like someone I know, he only works PT, lives with his mum and has no commitments or bills and is apparently "desperate" to save X amount of money for something he wants to buy. He can't do that on his current wage but won't work in a factory, in a call centre as "he's not good with talking" (we've got a huge one near us where jobs crop up every couple of months), doesn't want weekends etc the list goes on.
In the meantime he's only just earning enough to get by and carries on complaining about not being able to save.

I'd be giving your DP and ultimatum, shape up or ship out.

What does he do with his days now OP?

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:48

I will work or study when our lo is a little bit older. Him staying at home will not work. I've given him an ultimatum saying he has to get 2 interviews this month at least and if he gets the job take it. I just don't know what to do because I hate our money situation

OP posts:

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:51

He thinks I get too involved in him getting a job and that it's his business. I told him it's out business as we are a family now and him not working not only impacts him but us too. He says I'm being controlling about it

OP posts:

PNGirl · 06/03/2018 11:56

It's not controlling to want to financially plan.

Your problem here is living with your dad. He knows he can stretch this out as long as possible while there's no angry landlord evicting you.

MagicFajita · 06/03/2018 12:02

Just remember that you don't have to stay with him because you have a child together. He's showing you who he is. Do you like that person?

Also , it is totally your business whether he works or not! You are his family.

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 12:18

Right now honestly I don't know. We have been arguing a lot recently. But his family lives in Ireland so even if we did take a break or break up where would he go? He wouldn't get to see his daughter as I live in England. I don't know how that would work if we did take a break or go any further with that

OP posts:

MagicFajita · 06/03/2018 12:59

Where he goes is not your responsibility.

DeathStare · 06/03/2018 13:07

You're not going to like my reply I'm afraid OP.

Given the cost of childcare it's arguable that one of you needs to be at home with your DC. But there's no reason why that should be you and not him. Personally I think it's pretty hypocritical you being cross at him for being picky about jobs when you are refusing to have any job at all right now.

Why don't you both apply for jobs and whoever gets offered one first takes it and the other one takes responsibility for childcare

AthenasOwl · 06/03/2018 13:11

You now have 2 children congratulations.
How long do you wanna be stuck with this?
His excuses about family time are just that..excuses. Doesn't sound like he wants to work.
How are you supporting yourselves?

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 13:20

He said himself he couldn't cope as a stay at home dad so I'm not being hypocritical. If we did split or take a break I would still want him to be able to see his daughter and for her to see him.

OP posts:

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