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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend and work

59 replies

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 11:18

My boyfriend doesn't work. He finished a temporary job in December and then wanted to join the british army. He then changed his mind so is looking for work now. He is being so picky about it though! He's never really been a great worker but he's being so picky! Like he has just gotten an interview for a job that's evenings and weekends and he is all like oh those are family times. And I'm like you need to work we need money coming in. We have a 5 month old daughter so I'm at home with her at the moment and we have both agreed that that is the best option and I will go out to work in the next few months but right now we feel she is too young to start childcare. So we have no income coming in and he is being picky about the times he works. Can I get some opinions on this to see if I'm being unreasonable or not? Xx

OP posts:

Adora10 · 06/03/2018 13:23

Not picky, just lazy and happy to sponge of everyone else, he's a disgrace, he should want to take any job to provide for his family; I bet he's lazy in every other respect too, you'd be better off actually finding a man cos he sounds like a child that has never grown up and is happy to be seen as a cocklodger, pretty sure you can do better than that!

Cricrichan · 06/03/2018 13:32

Well give him the choice of looking after his kid or working! It isn't just about the income coming in now,it's about his future too and having gaps in his CV and not building up a good working history.

AdalindSchade · 06/03/2018 13:43

deathstare I'm sure the op has considered that but given he's a lazy man child I doubt it's a suitable option

mikeyssister · 06/03/2018 14:02

Here's a suggestion, why don't both of you look for a job and who ever gets one first takes it and the other is responsible for childcare, until they can find a job that covers the cost of childcare. Neither of you have the right to be stay at home parents. You have an obligation to hyour child and she's plenty old enough to be in formal childcare.

You're parents now which means you work!!

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 14:23

He says he hates siting around all day and wants to get out but then I don't feel he is doing everything he can to get a job. I'm just sick of it at this point. Is there anything I can do or not? I want a future. Is there anything I can do to get it in to his head or not because I'm on my last straw

OP posts:

Adora10 · 06/03/2018 14:30

Sorry OP, nothing you can do or say anymore, he's is showing you who he is, a person that shirks responsibility and happy to watch you struggle, you should really think about living without him, you'd probably be a lot better off as well.

Thebluedog · 06/03/2018 14:32

If you’re in maternity leave then the excuse of family time on evenings and weekends is bullshit. You can have your family time anytime if you’re not working. This only becomes relevant once you return to work

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2018 14:33

If he is only 20, how long has he been living in the UK for? How long are you together?

Makingworkwork · 06/03/2018 14:35

If you and baby are home then any time he is off is family time.

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 14:36

I am originally from the UK but was living in Ireland from the ages of 9 until 19. We have been living back in the UK for just over a year now

OP posts:

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 14:37

We have been together 2 years

OP posts:

DeathStare · 06/03/2018 14:43

Honestly in your situation I'd start applying for jobs. Tell him if he doesn't like doing childcare to get a job and you'll quit yours

mollied · 06/03/2018 14:52

If you are in that situation you can't be picky about jobs. It's like when people winge about there not being any work there is it jus may to be what you want to do. When you have a child to support any job is the answer.

xpc316e · 06/03/2018 15:08

I am sorry to say this, but your boyfriend is a lazy git. He is a father and needs to provide for you & his child. He is in no position to be picky about jobs, and it is your job (as the mother of his child) to tell him exactly where he stands and what you expect of him.

Tell him to forget 'family time' and earn some money. Tell him to go to evening classes to get the qualifications he didn't bother with when he had the perfect opportunity.

If he doesn't buck up his ideas, then get shot of him. You also need to examine your own performance here and look for decent qualities (such as an ability to provide for his loved ones) when you choose another partner.

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 15:09

He has moaned about that too! It's ridiculous

OP posts:

Graphista · 06/03/2018 15:17

So actually NEITHER of you are working?

Why can't you work and he stay home with your child?

"He couldn't cope as a stay at home dad" tough! That or he gets a job!

Why did you move when you were pregnant, leaving a job as a result?

Also you could both find out about GETTING more qualifications, make applications - you should be doing that now if you intend to study 2018/19 academic year, usually cut off is around Easter.

All that said he DOES maybe need to get a grip and realise very few employers will want HIM with no quals. In fact are you sure it's not him being rejected but saying he didn't want to do "X" job to save face?

If he's no qualifications at all that could also explain why the army idea vanished. People mistakenly think they'll "take anyone" not true. Qualifications are needed for some roles, plus has he any convictions? Medical issues?

Or do you think he's going into interviews with an attitude?

What does he do at home? Feed, clean, change baby? Cook and clean house?

AthenasOwl · 06/03/2018 15:21

It's all well and good saying ' you go out to work and he can stay home'. I wouldn't leave this lazy, irresponsible man child at home in charge of a dog never mind a 5 month old.
What does he actually do all day while he's not working? Is he doing his share of housework and parenting?

Original poster

Noodlee · 06/03/2018 15:25

We made the agreement he works I stay at home but like you said that might have to change now. I was at uni but didn't like the course so moved over here to go to uni as there was a course I wanted and applied for. I didn't know I was pregnant at the time.

He has been rejected from a lot of jobs unfortunately but I also think he could be doing more to get one. He has no convictions or medical issues. He does suffer from social anxiety but has gotten better with people.

I don't think so as he is shy and gets nervous talking to people.

He does clean and cook. And cares for our little one.

OP posts:

GeorgeTheHippo · 06/03/2018 17:10

I'd leave it a few more months then look for part time work yourself. If this doesn't work out you can claim tax credits and childcare costs as a single parent as long as you work 16hrs pw or more. You'll be ok.

Whether he will be ok is very much up to him.

Graphista · 06/03/2018 18:52

It is hard at the moment, there aren't enough jobs and without qualifications it's tough BUT he has to take that into account. Sell himself and make the effort.

If he's getting interviews there must be something about him on paper, but if he's sullen and unresponsive or (and I hope you both have more sense than this) scruffy, or rude at interview stage, he'll get nowhere.

How far did he get with the army attempt?

forumdonkey · 06/03/2018 19:41

Why don't you work too? I went straight back to work after both my DC's. I had no option because I couldn't afford not to

Vitalogy · 06/03/2018 20:02

It's not looking good is it OP. If a baby doesn't jolt him into action, what will.

Vitalogy · 06/03/2018 20:05

What about agencies for him to try. Sometimes the company will take you on after a while if you're a good worker.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 06/03/2018 20:46

He sounds like a lazy man child.
I know people's work ethics differ but sometimes you've just got to work! You may not love it but if you're in a job, you are at least earning and can look for others! Weekends won't become properly important until your kids are at school so that's not really an excuse.
What's his family background? Do they work? What do they think about him dossing on your dads sofa day in day out?
💐 for you op

Original poster

Noodlee · 07/03/2018 12:50

His mum tells him he needs to work. I'm going to have to look in to work. I don't know what to do about our relationship though as I love him and want a life with him but I also want a man with motivation and determination and he lacks both of these xx

OP posts:

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