Husband would ‘hypothetically’ like sex with other women

[Mixtapemartyr]

Married 14 years with 9 & 11yo DD’s. Tough year of major surgery and incapacity for me. When we met I was 24 (and not too bad package), he was 31. Gave up career in engineering when kids born and never went back. Supported him tirelessly to build his career - he’s now rich, successful and better looking than ever. I’ve had serious health issues over last year. Put on weight, looking shit.
Tonight we watched Easy S2, E2 on Netflix about a couple who have an open relationship. I found it cringy, but afterwards he stated;
He would be fine having sex with other women, but hates the idea of me being with another man
He would have sex with other women if it could be “consequence and guilt free” (ie providing I don’t nag him or get angry)
He wouldn’t want emotional relationship just sex - maybe see a sex worker once a year with my blessing.
Then he said he thought I wanted to talk more about sex and having it more often....erm yes, but with your wife!!!!

I was so so shocked. I take my marriage seriously and don’t want to have sex with anyone else. He’s a ‘good man’, who I love & fancy and I’ve done that thing of building up his confidence and now I think I’m paying for it.
Can’t help feeling that for him to say it, he must have been thinking about it & not sure that the “till death do us part” is his cup of tea anymore.
He went to sleep no problem. I’m laying awake in my daughters room thinking that we can’t come back from this. I will always feel like he wants more than me. I’m destroyed and rocked to my core.
Advice please. Should I just ignore it? I thought we were solid but maybe I’m kidding myself. My self esteem and sense of feminism says I just can’t pretend he didn’t say it. Surely I’m worth more??

Omg I can see why you are upset. Does he? Did he understand he was hurting you when he was saying all that?
I think I would have cried.
I can only suggest you tell him how much he hurt you tomorrow and see what he says in response
Do you think he might act on these wishes or was he just being insensitive?!

Also what was the context of him saying it? Did you probe him with questions which he answered or did he just volunteer all this

Thanks for answering apples and pears

I didn’t probe. He just came out with it. And he couldn’t understand why I was upset. We tried to talk for a bit but he quickly got defensive and I wanted a calm rational
Conversation.
Problem is that he was emphatic that he would love to sleep with other women and that’s not ok with me. It’s always going to be there

I don’t think he’d act on it. But he may resent me for preventing it

You’re right we need to talk

It’s hard isn’t it because I don’t know how many other men would also think like that but I’m fairly certain none would say it to their wives and then not understand what hurt they’d caused.

Yes talk in the morning. Hope you get some sleep.

Thank you so much just for replying x

Why would he say that ! I’m sure without any consequences or guilt quite a few men would sleep with other people but life and marriage in my view is not like that and he bloody knows that by saying he would not like you to sleep with another man .
If it was me I would speak to him and ask him to think about the feeling it gives him when he thinks about you having fantastic sex with someone else and reflect that what he is experiencing is the way that conversation has made you feel .

Funny though that he would not want you to sleep with other men. What a knobber! So sorry OP. Crikey, I would be really hurt and unhappy about him coming out unprompted.

I suppose that a lot of the male populace, who have been wed or shacked up a while might desire a bit with another woman and from time to time we see that sad story played out in these threads.

Your old man wants his cake and icing too?.

Now seeing that you have gone a long way to further his career and given up your own you perhaps might like to point out to him that if he ever mention's this again then you'll see to it that your solicitor will use his/hers best endevours to see that you get the house and a very good montly allowance whilst he is a banging away his fancy bit in his all he can affrord one bed bedsit.!

Still who knows his bit on the side might not be that impressed by that time?

This is exactly what mine said when we were having related conversations about sex in a ltr (of 20 yrs)! Ie, he would be fine having sex with other women but wouldn't be able to take me having sex with other men. I think it's standard man viewpoint. It doesn't sound as if he was suggesting it, merely speaking freely. So I don't think he's resenting you for preventing it. You couldn't prevent it anyway if he wanted to go off and do something behind your back. So make sure exactly out of order it would be, and if you ever found out he'd been doing that sort of thing, you'd ltb. (Assuming you would. )

I would be deeply burt too, as would my dh if I said the like to him! It's all about trust at the end of the day.
My dh has health problems. Sex is a rare event but that on its own would not make me look elsewhere. Sex is a relatively small part of a relationship in my view. How are things otherwise?
You need to talk, at a calm quiet time. See how he reacts.
And tell him it works both ways - not one rule for him and another for you!

@Mixtapemartyr I'm sorry this sounds very hurtful of him.

I think he may have simply been spouting off, he can't realistically think you would be happy for him to have sex with other women, not complain about it and remain faithful to him. Does he think he is living in a 5th Century harem or something?

"And he couldn’t understand why I was upset." Then he is thick, or pretending he doesn't understand because hey ho, he can just get off to sleep.

I think there are a few issues here, you can choose to ignore me....

This worries me "Gave up career in engineering when kids born and never went back. Supported him tirelessly to build his career - he’s now rich, successful and better looking than ever. I’ve had serious health issues over last year. Put on weight, looking shit."

Please, please put yourself first! You've built him up and he believes his own hype! Make plans for your career when it will re-start. One friend is self employed because it fits best with her kids etc. Do what is right for you.

I've put on a lot of weight and am working on it, but I do still think I am beautiful in my own way. I am pretty sure you are too. So find your own inner and outer beauty.

Get your confidence back.

Your husband has knocked your confidence. Either this is negging, which is awful,

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

or he did not realise how upsetting this would be. (He is think but that is not the crime of century!)

His attitude is shit. "He would have sex with other women if it could be “consequence and guilt free” (ie providing I don’t nag him or get angry)" Well he is clearly living in cloud cookcoo land!

"He wouldn’t want emotional relationship just sex - maybe see a sex worker once a year with my blessing." As a feminist I'd find the idea of my man paying some poor prostituted women for sex the most horrible part of all this.

I'd want to talk about it, explain his desire to use a woman, any woman, for sex, while you remain faithful and silent, is a pretty much going back to the dark ages! Very offensive and disgusting idea. If you have a daughter would he expect her future partner to treat her like? Or if you have a son would he expect his future partner to treat him like that.

His unwillingness to talk about it after he's just thrown a verbal grenade into your evening is breathtakingly offensive too.

That's all the bad bit!

He is thick.

Phew sorry that was the bad bit! I think the good bit is that it sounds like he is just talking, as you yourself say he may well not actually do this.

Maybe he is hoping to guilt you into more sex, after all if you are stopping him having sex with other people maybe he thinks you should have more sex with him.

It may be helpful to point out attempting to kill off your confidence won't make you feel more sexy or keen to have sex with him!

However, in a charitable mode, I might say maybe he does want more sex and once you feel recovered etc you may be able to reignite your physical relationship more, if you want to.

DH and I did this a while ago, we had got down to sex quite rarely and he mentioned he would like it more often. My first reaction was no f-ing way (in my head) but then I decided to give it a go and must admit I've gotten more into it, so to speak.

If he really is a good man and you really do love him then maybe things could change a bit. But he also needs to change, and work out that you are a real person, not some little doll who can stand to the side while he fantasists about other women. I wonder if maybe being open about it was his way of initiating a conversation on sex?

I wish you luck because you do not deserve this shit, you have born him children, given you your own career and built him up. But you absolutely must make time to recover physically, get fit and make room for your self in your own life.

I have seen that episode and it is the kind of thing that might trigger that kind of honest but not very well thought out comment. It's about a couple deciding to try having an open marriage and the general awkwardness of that. The woman goes and has sex with a stranger for the first time while the man has a flirtation and fools around with a friend. The man seems quite uncomfortable with actually following through. In that context I don't think his comment is that big a deal. The idea that he could happily sleep with other people without emotional involvement if it made no difference to his relationship/didn't hurt you, but admitting he'd be jealous if you did the same, is quite honest. Hell, if I could shag Tom Hardy without my husband having a problem with it I'd think about it! It doesn't mean he would actually do it, it just means that like many people he is capable of wanting sex unrelated to emotion - it's the fact that it'd hurt you that probably stops him. And he's just being honest about how you doing the same would feel. He'd be jealous. It doesn't sounds like he's actually saying he'd do it.

If he is saying that he actually wants to try it, surely you just say "No way! Not in this relationship" and work out how else you can each meet your needs within the relationship.

To OP

Guessing that due to your health issues your marriage may not have been as active as it was before the health problems? If partner is real they should recognize and help to solve your health issues.

I've seen that episode too, and I can also see how it might prompt a discussion.

It doesn't necessarily mean that he's thought about it before or that he's floating the idea of going through with it.

I remember watching Indecent Proposal, where Robert Redford offers Demi Moore a million dollars to sleep with him, and telling dh I would do it, but would hate it if he did it.

He's saying that he would be up for no-strings sex with other women if there was no guilt or risk involved because you'd given your blessing but that he couldn't bear to see you with another man. Ergo, unlike in that episode, an open marriage is not for you two.

I bet most married men would say the same. The crucial thing is that you would not support it, so any such action on his part would be full of risk and guilt, and therefore out of the question.

I suppose it would've been nice if he'd said that he would never ever have sex with another woman, even if you were telling him to do it and genuinely unconcerned and supportive, I can see why you're upset, but im not sure it's fair to penalise him for being honest in the context of watching this programme.

He's insensitive at best and a complete idiot at worst. All the posts saying the majority of men think like this may be true but there was no need for him to say it. Some thoughts are definitely best kept to yourself!

Also a huge double standard that he'd like to sleep with other women but wouldn't want you sleeping with another man.

It's really hurtful, personally I'd have laughed in his face! However I've developed myself way beyond my husband in my career and I have reasonable self confidence and I'd probably have just said 'yeah of course you do .... so do I but it doesn't mean that it's acceptable to say it!' But I think that when you've given up your own career it dips your self confidence when those you gave it up for start suggesting other options (bit like someone who maybe devoted their life to their career is sidelined or made redundant etc ...) so yes you've every to feel hurt but you should tell him

Now seeing that you have gone a long way to further his career and given up your own you perhaps might like to point out to him that if he ever mention's this again then you'll see to it that your solicitor will use his/hers best endevours to see that you get the house and a very good montly allowance whilst he is a banging away his fancy bit in his all he can affrord one bed bedsit.!

Very true but what a way to really wind things up, even if the OP was contemplating divorce. If he is that clever he will know as I'm sure someone in his position will have friends paying out exactly like that!!

OP you need to talk to him, but also start thinking more about you and getting you confidence back*
*

Stop building him up. Start building yourself up. Think about going back to Uni to retrain or doing online courses to get your confidence back.

I would assume he's told you where he stands and wonder if he's already helped himself to this situation and is now seeking your approval. If seeking your hypothetical agreement, he would use this to defend his actions when caught.

You are still young, so now your children are older I would look to start building your confidence asap. Maybe retraining?

This might be the wake up call you needed, I would have also laughed at Dh had he said that!!!

Some people are into that kind of thing but he's been insensitive and his attitude would disgust me too rather than the desire for other women to be involved.