Husband would ‘hypothetically’ like sex with other women

[Mixtapemartyr]

Married 14 years with 9 & 11yo DD’s. Tough year of major surgery and incapacity for me. When we met I was 24 (and not too bad package), he was 31. Gave up career in engineering when kids born and never went back. Supported him tirelessly to build his career - he’s now rich, successful and better looking than ever. I’ve had serious health issues over last year. Put on weight, looking shit.
Tonight we watched Easy S2, E2 on Netflix about a couple who have an open relationship. I found it cringy, but afterwards he stated;
He would be fine having sex with other women, but hates the idea of me being with another man
He would have sex with other women if it could be “consequence and guilt free” (ie providing I don’t nag him or get angry)
He wouldn’t want emotional relationship just sex - maybe see a sex worker once a year with my blessing.
Then he said he thought I wanted to talk more about sex and having it more often....erm yes, but with your wife!!!!

I was so so shocked. I take my marriage seriously and don’t want to have sex with anyone else. He’s a ‘good man’, who I love & fancy and I’ve done that thing of building up his confidence and now I think I’m paying for it.
Can’t help feeling that for him to say it, he must have been thinking about it & not sure that the “till death do us part” is his cup of tea anymore.
He went to sleep no problem. I’m laying awake in my daughters room thinking that we can’t come back from this. I will always feel like he wants more than me. I’m destroyed and rocked to my core.
Advice please. Should I just ignore it? I thought we were solid but maybe I’m kidding myself. My self esteem and sense of feminism says I just can’t pretend he didn’t say it. Surely I’m worth more??

He was just talking and being honest. I think me and my partner might say something like that in a hypothetical discussion. Eg. if it wouldn't upset the other person , but then we know in reality that it would impact on the relationship so wouldn't actually want to do it.
Of course in a ltr , people imagine what it would be like . I wouldn't get so upset as he isn't going to do anything because you don't like the idea.

@Laurel543 You explained it better than me. 😊

I'm not sure. We have discussed our fantasies and my OH's is orgies, in the Roman style. I'm not bothered because it ain't ever gonna happen.

It was insensitive and hurtful , but does not in itself mean he has any intention of cheating. I’m married a relatively long time and the idea of having sex with a different man sometimes is pretty appealing, and I don’t even have a particularly high libido. It will never ever happen and my husband is my best friend as well as lover and the most amazing father of my children, I love him to bits.

even with your update, i think youre possibly overreacting.
To me, it looks like you have had an unhealthy idolised view of him and your relationship, and youve discovered that he is, in fact, ordinary and flawed like everyone else, and that it isnt a fairytale. He hasnt cheated, He isnt even looking, and hes quite aware there would be consequences if he did and he wouldnt risk it. I would see it as he wouldnt risk hurting you, as much as anything, which I think is fair. Thats what monogamy is about. Its not about never finding anyone else attractive or never having sexual feelings for anyone else ever - you just cant expect that from someone. What you can expect is for your partner to never act on or pursue it.

It was a very insensitive thing to say to you, and the fact that he didn't understand why you were hurt shows that he lacks emotional intelligence. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of actually cheating, though.

I do hate the fact that he said that he would like to have sex with other women but wouldn't want you to have sex with other men, that's a real double standard and would really wind me up no end. It sounds too much like my abusive F, who saw nothing wrong with sleeping with other women (or SA with his daughters and other schoolgirls) but was paranoid about my DM cheating on him. He once said that a woman's adultery was worse than a man's adultery and was very angry when I didn't agree with him.

And I don't think talking about going to a sex worker shows the right attitude towards women at all.

But I'm aware that I'm projecting somewhat. I just hate the attitude that there's one rule for men and another for women.

saying that you hypothetically wouldnt mind it is different from actually considering it.

Of course its easy to realise that you could cope with/enjoy no strings sex, but realise that jealousy would be an issue the other way round.
My partner has pretty much said similar to me. I on the other hand could cope with no strings sex with either of us if we had the time, but im not fucking letting him do it if he wouldnt let me.

Urgh, that is a horrible, crazy-making place to be.
FWIW, I would like to think he was speaking 'freely' as a previous poster suggested, and hypothetically, as inferred in your OP, and not deliberately trying to hurt you.
There are lots of things I would quite like to do which I refrain from doing because it would be a bit off at best or very upsetting at worst for other people impacted. No strings, guilt-free extramarital sex is definitely one of them, but DP and I are not in an open relationship, so I don't. Easy. The difference is, that I don't think mentioning it to him would be a kind thing to do. Is it your DH hypothetically thinking it would be nice that is the problem, or the fact that he was thoughtless in telling you? For me, the latter would be the worst, as that is something that is actually happening, while the former is in his head. I hope you manage to resolve it, OP.

It’s standard and commonplace as far as I am concerned. I believe both men and women in long-term relationships fancy somebody else now and then, certainly more than once during the life of their LTR. I would consider it unusual if a person in a LTR didn’t imagine having sex with anybody else say during a 20-year marriage.

Although human species are not built to be ‘monogamous for life’ this whole thing is a massive taboo. You are supposed to suddenly go deaf and blind to the other attractive people out there and stay that way forever. This is not biological reality.

I for one think your DH was simply honest with you and it shows he has got a certain level of trust to actually say in conversation to you what goes on inside most people’s head in secret.

99% of the human population, I include women too, wouldn’t say no to a new experience with a new person from time to time. But still come back to their best fit long term partner. What stops people is exactly what your DH said, although he wants this variety for himself, he can’t bear the thought of you with somebody else. So it’s a kind of mutually agreed sacrifice/compromise: we don’t do it as we don’t want our partner to do it. Fair is fair.

I certainly wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. I know my partner looks at attractive women, same as I note attractive men. It doesn’t stop us appreciating each other and knowing each other’s worth. I wouldn’t want to lose my OH and he probably wouldn’t want to lose me over some ‘newness’, so we behave. As simple as that.

99% of the human population, I include women too, wouldn’t say no to a new experience with a new person from time to time.

Am I really one in a hundred?!

Dahlietta - possibly you are one in a hundred, or maybe you simply haven't met anyone who's tempted you yet.

You don’t need to meet someone tempting- it’s just that idea of an attractive stranger where you don’t know their body or habits...! Like I said above though I wouldn’t cheat in a million years.

Wow I onky read OP post
He wants to cheat and you e okay

He doesn’t want you to have sex with anyone else

He’s a pig he’s having a laugh what a loser

I’d say it’s over he’s honest but tbh I think lots men would like sex with other women and keep a wife at home and she be loyal

I asked my husband that question once he said obviously most men would like sex on the side but if you deeply live someone you couldn’t

If my husband insisted on open relationship for him onky Rhys not open that’s him having his great big cake and eating it

God some people are astounding
I ah even a friend her relationship is 30’years she’s 48 her husband has insisted they have 3 dimes only with other women
One women fell in love with my friend and there was talk of them being together

Emotions can’t be kept at bay he may meet someone and fall in love my husband was a player before me as his ex hurt him bad and he slept with many women and he then meet me and fell in love it’s not simple as it won’t be emotional
If he’s wanting sex with others I’d say he’s slightly emotionally detached already

Rubbish I’d not wa t sex with anyone else but my husband and I’ve cheated in the past on an ex as I didn’t love him
We aren’t all up for sex only relationships

I totally disagree with everyone wanting sex with new people
I’ve had 3 long term relationships I’m nearly 50

I would never even think about sexually with anyone else when I was in love

Onky wheni fell out of love dosnit cross my mind

Those who fantasies about sex with others do not love they’re partner

Why shouldn’t she have sleepless nights he’s said he wants sex with others he wants her permission he wants her loyal
I’d rather be single than be with that

I van see why you're upset. His comments have coincided with your possibly feeling the worst about yourself that you ever have. It's horrible.

I'm sure many/most/all married men would "hypothetically" shag other women. I don't think men see sex the same way as women do - it's a fun pastime and not always an emotional event. So I think he was just being brutally honest.

Sadly, he was also hideously tactless and thoughtless to share that with you. He should've shared it with another bloke.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm so sorry he said that! I can really get why you're upset, I really can.

I mean that most blokes would HYPOTHETICALLY shag other women. Not that most of them would actually do it. Before I get ripped to shreds!

i think the good advice of ensuring your own independance is the best - good luck

I dont actually want sex with anyone else than my partner, although I think if it were actually consequence free, and he was actually completely OK with it, then who knows. I definitely fancy people every now and again, but I have never seriously considered actually cheating or hurting anyone or breaking my promises or risking my partnership. Im quite fine and comfortable with monogamy, but if all the hurt and pain and consequences of cheating were taken out of the equation, then who the hell knows. Might be fun once in a while

I think it was pretty cool that he felt comfortable with you to discuss this. You watched the show together I think it’s a really interesting talking point. It’s healthy to be honest!

The couple in the show were totally loving and honest, so surely that would get the ideas rolling...