Husband would ‘hypothetically’ like sex with other women

[Mixtapemartyr]

Married 14 years with 9 & 11yo DD’s. Tough year of major surgery and incapacity for me. When we met I was 24 (and not too bad package), he was 31. Gave up career in engineering when kids born and never went back. Supported him tirelessly to build his career - he’s now rich, successful and better looking than ever. I’ve had serious health issues over last year. Put on weight, looking shit.
Tonight we watched Easy S2, E2 on Netflix about a couple who have an open relationship. I found it cringy, but afterwards he stated;
He would be fine having sex with other women, but hates the idea of me being with another man
He would have sex with other women if it could be “consequence and guilt free” (ie providing I don’t nag him or get angry)
He wouldn’t want emotional relationship just sex - maybe see a sex worker once a year with my blessing.
Then he said he thought I wanted to talk more about sex and having it more often....erm yes, but with your wife!!!!

I was so so shocked. I take my marriage seriously and don’t want to have sex with anyone else. He’s a ‘good man’, who I love & fancy and I’ve done that thing of building up his confidence and now I think I’m paying for it.
Can’t help feeling that for him to say it, he must have been thinking about it & not sure that the “till death do us part” is his cup of tea anymore.
He went to sleep no problem. I’m laying awake in my daughters room thinking that we can’t come back from this. I will always feel like he wants more than me. I’m destroyed and rocked to my core.
Advice please. Should I just ignore it? I thought we were solid but maybe I’m kidding myself. My self esteem and sense of feminism says I just can’t pretend he didn’t say it. Surely I’m worth more??

I'd be thinking about getting into a career yourself now.

In relation to his comment...I find it hypocritical that he wants to sleep with other women...but not for you to sleep with other men.

A one sided open relationship in effect.

Why does he think you should accept that?

Perhaps you could take this opportunity to focus on yourself for a while. Pamper yourself....do things for yourself and be more than a wife and mum.

Your H clearly wants sex with other women...and at some point with or without your knowledge I don't see him not acting on it.

He would have sex with other women if it could be “consequence and guilt free” (ie providing I don’t nag him or get angry)
He wouldn’t want emotional relationship just sex - maybe see a sex worker once a year with my blessing

And you didn't say, it would not be guilt free because you'd be devastated at having betrayed me like that, and the consequence would be an expensive divorce and the disapproval of your family and friends. And course I would not give my blessing for you to see a sex worker because women are not commodities and i would never condone that kind of exploitation.

Handy that’s he’s rich though!! Tell him to sod off

Tell him you have always fantasised about a man with a massive penis so seems time you both went your own way.

Im sure my partner would be A-OK with consequence free sex with other women too.
I wouldnt mind occasional consequence free sex either

Saying that, we have both agreed to be monogamous though and neither of us find that particularly difficult either

Oh for goodness sake. I'm fairly sure most men would quite fancy the idea of being able to shag about guilt free. They just wouldn't admit it ever to their wives. Doesn't mean they'd act on it either,

How many folks have affairs. See prostitues. Prostitution is a huge industry and it ain't all single men visiting them. It's someone's husband and the wife doesn't know and would normally swear blind not her faithful loving man.

Unless he was seeking permission and not just spouting off, I'd say he's simply guilty of being too honest and totally insensitive.

You'd have been in trouble if he'd said he didn't care about you having sex with other men. The fact he didn't say that, in fact said the opposite, shows he's just a Horny fantasist.

Tell him to grow the fuck up. If my husband had said it to me, I'd have burst out laughing and said "I bet".

I can understand why you're hurt but I do think your blowing this out of proportion. Most people of either sex would most likely take up the offer of a shag if there were no consequences-it's not just a male thing.
Sounds like he was just spouting off rather than saying he actually wanted to do it, I'd have just laughed & said sure you would but it's not going to happen.

I don't really understand. Of course he was thinking about the subject; you were, too, as you were both watching a film about the subject. He didn't just come up with it out of the blue. "Hypothetical" means what you could imagine in a totally different situation to the one you actually have.

What makes you think that he is describing anything other than a hypothetical situation?

I got flamed on another thread for saying I believe most men would like this set up. But he shouldn't have told you! I would be very upset aswell.

got flamed on another thread for saying I believe most men would like this set up

Stop speaking for most men then. Makes you look stupid.

I wouldn't have been upset. I'd have laughed it off, I think anyone who gets upset is very naive to think their long term partner, Male or female, wouldn't like to have guilt free sex with someone else now and again.

You'd really have to think you were all that and a bag of chips to think they wouldn't even like thr occassional fantasy of it and could never find anyone else quite as attractive.

As said, doesn't mean they would do it, the commitment hopefully being stronger than the desire.

I’d be hurt too. Have you seen the film Hall Pass? It’s about a man who wants this exact set up, and his wife agrees. He soon finds out it’s pretty difficult for a middle aged man with a paunch to hook up with the hot young women he thought he was missing out on, and suddenly the grass doesn’t look so much greener!

His wife on the other hand gets much more attention than either thought she would.

It’s pure trash but maybe it should be your next watch together! Might give him some food for thought!

I'd take it as a huge compliment to the strength of your character that he felt safe to disclose that.

I wouldn't take it to heart. But I would now concentrate on yourself and making yourself the best version of yourself to get your confidence back on track. Its time to flower again 😊

So much wisdom, thanks for all the input. Was in pieces when I wrote it in the early hours and with no sleep all night it did feel like the beginning of the end this morning - so hurtful, so little respect for me, and obvs zero respect for myself.

I’ve spent the morning looking at jobs and courses - I need to get back to full health and then get on with my life and stop looking to him to be “my other half”. My closest friend 🤮. Wake up to reality and the fallibility of people - even those you love. He revealed an interesting lack of respect for me and other women (ie sex workers) and when I look hard, maybe the success and impending midlife crisis has changed him from the sweet man I met 17 yrs ago into a bullish man used to getting his own way.

You’re right and I have been naive @bluntness100, and perhaps guilty of idolising him. My feminist mother must be shouting at me from her grave! He’s at work & the idea of seeing him makes me feel sick.
I’m going to meet some friends this evening so I don’t see him until the kids are asleep and when I get home (sober - I don’t drink) I want to tell him how shit he made me feel, how there is no way it is ok to screw anyone else whilst we’re married and if he wants to start shagging around (or already has and is looking for forgiveness after the fact) he’s welcome to give it a go, but there is no way I’ll be letting him back in our home.
And I haven’t mentioned it before, but may just point out that his hair is starting to really thin on the crown.....no, that’s far too cruel.

Ofcourse most men would love it. Nothing "stupid" about that at all. I get it makes people feel insecure, so they say that it's not true but we all know they would.

I am into this kind of set up but it has to be agreed on both sides and both sides need
the same freedom. It’s very liberating.

Hurtful as hell comment to make. At best insensitive, at worse, well who knows. I'd feel as you do. Illness and staying at home zap your confidence. In your position I'd probably put his comment to the side, bide my time on talking about the reality of sex work or open relationships.

But first and foremost I'd get your own show back on the road ASAP. Maybe consider counselling to help you pull together a plan for resuming your career, working around health issues and getting your confidence back. Good luck.

He is a totally insensitive twat.

Make sure that he is under absolutely no illusion how disgusted you are with him.

Well thk goodness you're married and will get half (after sacrificing your own career) should this be more than just theoretical talk.

As others have said, still a v good idea to concentrate on your career and yourself instead of just being his support even if there is nothing behind it.

I think will and jada smith have that type if arrangement- an open marriage but only open one way so far and he's admitted he couldn't handle it if she slept with someone else .. My thought was, so not an open marriage then, just one sided infidelity from men like the not so good old days.

Sorry if I've missed it, but how often are you and him having sex?

I am totally in love with my DH, but he really neglects me sexually, and in all honesty, I can imagine me saying what your DH did, just through sheer frustration and maybe to shock him into thinking about how lacking our sex life has become.

Ofcourse most men would love it. Nothing "stupid" about that at all. I get it makes people feel insecure, so they say that it's not true but we all know they would

Is this in response for the poster above?

I have to agree, you do seem a bit dim. Is that what you think of men?

I can't imagine what you've had to go through in life to come to such a conclusion.

ConfusedWomanInHerForties
sex was good until 11hrs spinal surgery 6 weeks ago. Had it once since but still in lots of pain. And to be clear I’m overweight for me but still only 165lbs and 6ft tall. More out of shape due to 12 months pain prior to surgery (and sex was couple of times a week).
Booked to see a councillor with him to talk it over. made it clear that if he acts on it, he’ll be out the door & good luck keeping up when young wife no 2 wants a family...

I don't know, OP, seems like he was just commenting on the issue rather than suggesting you two try it.

Imagine if you watched the episode together and he commented "oh OP you are just beautiful and amazing I would never even hypothetically look at another women", I mean that would be a nice thing to say but it would obviously be a lie! No one person could be that amazing.

Completely agree that there is a world of difference between commenting on a hypothetical situation and actually being unfaithful.
Have been with my partner for 25 years. Still think he's attractive and understand that this is reciprocated despite me not being the slim young thing I was. I would never sleep with anyone else in real life because I love and respect him and it would really hurt him. I trust that he wouldn't either.
But if I could, hypothetically, have ENTIRELY consequence free sex with someone else I happened to fancy, I would be delighted and I'd fully expect him to feel the same. Surely that's normal?

I haven't seen the programme but am in the camp of believing that if he has acknowledged this to you, even though a bit hurtful, it is actually a sign of how committed and honest your relationship is.
A successful, loving, monogamous adult relationship is not about both parties never wanting to have sex with anyone else ever again. It is about accepting that you will both fancy other people occasionally (or have fantasies about sex with others etc) whilst also trusting that neither of you you would ever do anything about it.
The comment about a having sex with a prostitute sounds horrid but, again I think it's probably fine in context and doesn't mean he, deep down, has no respect for women. For instance, I have absolutely zero desire to shag a gigolo in real life, mainly because I think it would be really weird, but in hypothetical fantasy land, hell yeah that sounds like it could be fun!

You are worth so much more than this.

You are only young, go find someone who values you more than this. Life is too short for this shit.

And take the cheeky fucker for every penny you can.

Good luck