15 weeks pregnant and husband's behaviour is appalling

[Bethan8883]

Hello,
Name changed for privacy reasons. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5 years. I am 33 and he is 34 and I am 15 weeks pregnant with our first child, a planned pregnancy, although he has always been more keen/desperate for a family than me, but the baby is very much wanted.

We have always had a slightly volatile relationship - generally arguments about him being selfish and me nagging him and being boring. Now that I am pregnant I probably do seem boring - we used to go out drinking a lot, partying all night etc, and now I am out of that scene, which is fine by me. My husband has always had a bad habit of going out for 'a couple of pints' and not coming home until the following day - long benders where he gets off his head and is totally written off for a couple of days after. This happens 2 or 3 weekends in every month. I always said that things would have to change if I got pregnant/had a baby, and he promised that he would change his ways. Low and behold...nothing has changed. He did it again on Saturday, as he has done throughout my pregnancy, he promised he'd be home by 11pm and rolled in at 5:30am (actually early for him, it's normally 7am) and then spent most of Sunday in bed. I don't know what to do. I have argued with him, cried hysterically, told him I'm leaving...he doesn't care and can't understand why I'm so angry. He says that he's doing nothing wrong and that life doesn't have to stop because of a baby, and that I'm trying to ruin his life. I don't know whether to leave now or wait until the baby comes to see if that makes a difference. It's making me ill and I just can't seem to get through to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and disrespect. Any advise anyone? Or is he right, and it is me who's in the wrong?

This happens 2 or 3 weekends in every month

and yet you choose to have a baby with him, he sounds a bout 18 years old, he won't change, he's basically a selfish arsehole who thinks it's ok to stay out all night, probably taking cocaine.

If I was you, I'd plan a future of living without him and him having access, he's disgusting.

He sounds pathetic. 2 or 3 weekends a month is a ridiculous amount. He made you a promise that things would change when you're pregnant and he's broken that promise. He's showing you quite clearly that you can't rely on him. I would think seriously about making arrangements to raise this baby alone. What happens when you add a child into this situation and daddy stays out 3 weekends a month and comes home a state and stays in bed for the whole day? Thats not ok.

What a delightful specimen

Get your ducks in a row and get rid. But I’d recommend getting everything prepared first and making sure you’re safe before you say anything because of the volatility you mention

OP really sorry to hear you are going through this. My situation is not on the same scales as yours at all but one thing I can tell you is that a baby will not change his ways. Only you can decide if you want to wait and see what happens when the baby comes but sleepless nights and coping with the baby alone is hard and having to then effectively cope with a "teenager" will only add to your stress. I hope you can find a way to resolve this

I'm sorry to say its very unlikely to change.He doesn't want to.He is old enough to have grownup up, so I think this is his level of maturity and responsibility.

Family to him is you sitting at home and him out when he wants, fitting in a husband and dad role when it suits him.

There is no value in nagging, set a line and follow through with consequences.Alternative is to accept it as you can't change him, only how you feel about it.

Do you have family support? If so leaving before might actually make you feel supported.
Leaving afterwards won't be easy so it will be another year from now.Only you can determine how stressful you will find it.

I'm sorry, many women have been in a similar position, hoping their irresponsible partner would shape up when a baby comes, but its often the opposite as they know that women feel they have less options once pregnant.

How have you shown him that his behaviour matters? How have you shown him that things need to change? You've said you don't like it but you've never liked it so what difference does it make now? From his perspective, you were at home anyway, so a baby would have been completely fine, under your supervision.

The problem isn't the drinking etc precisely but that he is showing you how much responsibility he thinks he is going to be taking for the baby: none. He likes the idea of having the Father label, but he isn't actually interested in (or perhaps even aware of) any of the work that a baby brings with it.

"Life doesn't have to stop because of a baby" - that's a nice idea, and can be sort of true, but one might ask what the fucking point is of having a baby if it doesn't change your life. It's SUPPOSED to change your life: that's kind of the whole point. 15w pg is fairly early for a non-pregnant parent to get that compared to eg 35w when he can see that your abdomen is noticeably swollen and you are struggling to do your own shoes up, whereupon it's suddenly a bit more real.

You've repeatedly told him you're leaving, but you've never left. So you might as well be telling him you're going to paint the front porch pink or show your arse to the vicar: he doesn't believe you so he ignores what you say.

It may be too late. He may be irredeemable. I think it's time for you to tell him precisely where he's going wrong (not taking responsibility for his child).

It's not what people say, it's what they do that counts.

Your dh has told you exactly who he is through his actions over the last 14 years.

He doesn't respond to being told what to do by you and he prefers to lie to you to shut you up.

There should be nothing left to nag about as if nagging actually worked, you wouldn't be in this position now after 14 years

He is telling you loud and clear exactly what sort of person he is, and no, he doesn't sound like good dad material.

You need to lower your expectations if you want a child with him.

So: expect him to go out on all night benders (probably will increase this to every weekend) as he finds you a right boring nag (that's if he bothers to come home!)

Expect to carry on through your pregnancy and bring up your dc knowing full well your dh will always put himself first.

What a lovely, happy family life you're in for

Luckily you have options.

This will feel a hundred times worse when the baby is actually here. I would get out now - he’s not going to change.

Now I'm usually for working things out, but it really doesn't sound like he's going to change.

If he thinks you're 'boring' now, just wait (or better still, don't) until he encounters being a parent. He sounds like he will totally resent it and will retreat into his own irresponsible world.

Don't let accusations of 'nagging' wear you down - nagging is what men use to silence women when they (men) haven't been pulling their damn weight and don't want to.

I would start making plans on how to do this without him.

My friend has a 4 month old and her partner is the same. Hate to say it but he got much worse after baby was born... she was admitted for 5 days after birth and he ‘went home to sleep’ but was at the pub all evening.
In the last week he’s been out until 5 am twice and midnight once. The other thing is that they are short for cash and obvs he is spending a fortune.
I would LTB personally- I think I would be better alone than with someone with that attitude.

Sorry OP

Threatening to leave won’t make any difference as he believes you won’t actually leave (you haven’t so far), so next time you threaten to leave, follow through.

I’d get rid now, that’s not going to get better and will most probably get worse until he decides to leave anyway.

Assuming you definitely want to have the baby I would leave and not put him on the birth certificate. You're signing up to a life of misery if he's involved.

Or, you don't keep the baby and leave. I'm sorry to suggest that as an option, but I cannot begin to tell you how much harder life will be when you're caring for a baby and have a useless twat to deal with too.

Either way - I would leave. He's awful.

that I'm trying to ruin his life. I don't know whether to leave now or wait until the baby comes to see if that makes a difference
Well I'd be telling him I won't be ruining his life any further and I'd be gone.
Why threaten if you won't follow through?
Don't put yourself or any future DC through this.
Just get out now.
Get some RL love and support and go through the rest of pregnancy far more stress free, not having to worry when he will be home.

I would leave and not put him on the birth certificate How is a child going to feel seeing no fathers name!

I would go so far as to say the behaviour will worsen once the baby arrives due to the stress of having a new born.

I'd advise you to prepare yourself mentally for the prospect of going it alone.

Some people do manage to pull up their socks after the birth of a child but it's really too precarious to hedge your future on him improving.

Living in limbo is mentally damaging. Putting your faith in him only to have it smashed down again will render you in a very bad state mentally and emotionally.

I agree with all the above statements, with the tiny tiny grit of doubt about this statement:

Now that I am pregnant I probably do seem boring - we used to go out drinking a lot, partying all night etc, and now I am out of that scene, which is fine by me.

So if you are 15 weeks pregnant, did you begin skipping the nights out before conception? Did you actively enjoy being there, or did you only go for the sake of being accused of being boring?

The only grain of sympathy I could muster for him would be if he felt he was feeling, to a certain extent, like he was missing his 'partner in crime' as it were. If you used to go out with him all night twice a month say.

Obviously life has to change now there's a baby, but if it's still under four months since you were last out with him, he could conceivably be adjusting, but I seriously seriously doubt it.

Don't let accusations of 'nagging' wear you down - nagging is what men use to silence women when they (men) haven't been pulling their damn weight and don't want to
This ^ x100
I also agree with others who have said he is showing you the real him and what he really thinks of you/the baby.
It's an absolute piss take and he clearly has no respect for you. Threatening to leave, without following it up, doesn't work.
You need to either accept that he is a selfish arsehole and will probably always be one or leave him.
Bringing a baby into the world, especially a first imo, is stressful and emotionally and physically demanding enough without having a selfish manchild to cope with too.

Oh and FWIW, if you're boring I am a complete old fart at the age of 29. We go out... erm, can't remember when last!

he doesn't care and can't understand why I'm so angry

That's your answer. If he doesn't care about you now - 15 weeks pregnant with a baby he wanted so much - he sure as shit is not going improve over time.

I'm usually a 'try and work it out' person but even I would L this particular B.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I agree with probably over 95% of what's been said so far. Before we decided to try for a baby we were out together a lot of the time, and I did enjoy it, but we always said once we started trying that that would be the end of that part of our lives and I thought we were both happy and 100% committed to doing that. But I was obviously wrong as he has zero intention of giving anything up.

Those of you who have said about threatening to leave and not following through - you are totally right. I actually have nowhere to go (not feeling sorry for myself, if that's how that sounds) and every time I get to the door or in the car he says 'leave now and I'll never let you back in this house' so I bottle it. Sometimes I just want some space to think (and cry in peace). I haven't got any family support so if I leave I would be on my own, which doesn't worry me, expect the logistics of making it happen.
I have told him that he needs to take responsibility for having a child and he just says 'you haven't had it yet so how can I'. I don't know how to get through to him but I am realising that I am probably fighting a losing battle

Oh bless.Is the house rented? If you are married then he can't stop you having a share of the house.Why not go to CAB and get advice.

He seems horrible as knows you are vulnerable and definitely doesn't care about your happiness.

Are you due a mw appt soon? I'm sure most primip have an appt at about 16w.

Talk to her about the situation. She won't agree that you have "nowhere to go". She'll know exactly what your options are locally.

What's your housing status? If you're married it's unlikely he could simply lock you out and keep you out. It's a manipulative and possibly abusive thing to say. So maybe have a look at signs of an abuser online and see if he's just a dick in this one area, or abusive overall and to be avoided.

We own the house in joint names. That's the other thing - I don't see why I should go when I'm pregnant and have done nothing wrong, but I understand that that's probably what will have to happen. It's all such a bloody mess and I'm crumbling a bit emotionally so finding it difficult to just get a grip.

Sounds familiar. It will only get worse. What is the situation with the house? He's a bastard.