15 weeks pregnant and husband's behaviour is appalling

[Bethan8883]

Hello,
Name changed for privacy reasons. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5 years. I am 33 and he is 34 and I am 15 weeks pregnant with our first child, a planned pregnancy, although he has always been more keen/desperate for a family than me, but the baby is very much wanted.

We have always had a slightly volatile relationship - generally arguments about him being selfish and me nagging him and being boring. Now that I am pregnant I probably do seem boring - we used to go out drinking a lot, partying all night etc, and now I am out of that scene, which is fine by me. My husband has always had a bad habit of going out for 'a couple of pints' and not coming home until the following day - long benders where he gets off his head and is totally written off for a couple of days after. This happens 2 or 3 weekends in every month. I always said that things would have to change if I got pregnant/had a baby, and he promised that he would change his ways. Low and behold...nothing has changed. He did it again on Saturday, as he has done throughout my pregnancy, he promised he'd be home by 11pm and rolled in at 5:30am (actually early for him, it's normally 7am) and then spent most of Sunday in bed. I don't know what to do. I have argued with him, cried hysterically, told him I'm leaving...he doesn't care and can't understand why I'm so angry. He says that he's doing nothing wrong and that life doesn't have to stop because of a baby, and that I'm trying to ruin his life. I don't know whether to leave now or wait until the baby comes to see if that makes a difference. It's making me ill and I just can't seem to get through to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and disrespect. Any advise anyone? Or is he right, and it is me who's in the wrong?

Have you got no friends you could stay with? He says ‘if you leave you can never come back’ because he wants to scare you. Find somewhere to go and leave, when he says you can never come back erasure him that you won’t be back. He sounds controlling and this will get worse when he can use the baby to get his own way.

Have you suggested to him that he leave? He can then carry on his lifestyle. I agree with pps that you should get legal advice and possibly put the house on the market.

why on earth should you leave the house? I don't follow that - why not him, if it's in joint names?

I feel so sorry for you, what an attitude he has, well the baby's not here yet so i can stay out all night drinking and sorry but probably doing drugs as well.

He sounds a nightmare OP, honestly, you'd be better off on your own, making your own decisions in your own home, not getting kept awake all night cos your partner can't even be arsed to come home to his partner, awful, awful behaviour!!!!

My friends are 'our' friends and I feel it would be an awkward position to put them in, I will have to organise something for myself which is doable. I have suggested that he goes and he just says it's his house and that he's not leaving, that I have to go. He says this (a lot) because he earns more than I do so considers everything to be his and disregards my contributions to our life. We both work full time but his higher wage seems to give him the licence to do (and spend) whatever the hell he wants.

What an absolute mess and car crash of a family life you are going to give this poor child!

You are both utterly selfish in thinking your mess of a relationship and volatility as a couple is suitable for bringing an innocent child into the world.

This happens 2 or 3 weekends in every month

So it's safer to say this happens EVERY weekend, with the odd weekend here and there that it doesn't.

You have made a mistake in wasting your life with this man.

You should not have married him. You now know this.

As sad as this is, it's NOTHING to the regret you will feel when the penny drops that you have saddled the most precious person in the world to you with a truly shit dad.

You DO have to go, and you do have to go after him for salary, half the house/pension/whatever you can get because you and your little one are going to need it.

I'm sorry, I know it's crap, but please don't expect anything out of him, yeah sure he should step up, but he won't. he's not being anything other than what he has been all his life.

He says this (a lot) because he earns more than I do so considers everything to be his and disregards my contributions to our life. We both work full time but his higher wage seems to give him the licence to do (and spend) whatever the hell he wants.

Why are you suffering this arsehole as a partner, I mean honestly OP, his attitude is really vile, he thinks himself better than you cos he's got you barefoot and pregnant, what an utter twat of a man; I'd rather bring up my child in tranquillity and let him be a dad alone, mind, he probably won't turn up half the time cos he'll be smashed out his head somewhere.

You really should start thinking about striking out on your own, get your family to help you, do not be beholding to this utter cunt of a man that is treating you like this.

This is not a happy and healthy relationship, is based on power and disrespect.

Don’t wait. Leave now. You will be very tired, vulnerable and emotional with a newborn. It will be horrific dealing with an “out all weekend” husband and dealing with a new baby. Your life will be hell. Seriously. Sort yourself out now. Get prepared and minimise him in your life and his impact and “needing” him. Get yourself sorted with accommodation and finances etc. Sort out your support system now. For gods sakes don’t rely on him to be your birth partner! Get a doula. Go to NCT classes (for a support group). Rope in all family and friends. Start planning and prepping. Can someone come be with you in case of a c section and you need help for a couple of weeks after the birth. Imagine if you are home after a c section and not able to lift anything and he’s out pissed and/or sleeping all Sunday!!! No way.

Why not get advice from CAB? If you are married then its a joint asset.Do you know about the finances for the house and his income?

He does seem horrible as he knows you feel trapped..reality will be different but you have spent so long with him its hard for you to believe you can function on your own.

Knowledge is power, find out what you will be entitled too.

If he says it’s “his house” and you have to go then go rent yourself somewhere else now. Imagine if he’s a drunken twat when you’ve given birth and you then need to get out with a baby or try and get him out. Awful and it will be a million times harder and horrific. Do it now while you’ve only got yourself to shift. Once you are out, go see a solicitor about sorting out finances. If the house is jointly owned he will have to buy you out or it will go on the market. He’s got a shock to his system coming. Really the only hope you’ve got is to take action. If you do actually go and slap him with a solicitor then he might maybe change his ways. Don’t bank on it though.

Right, you know this is shit. There's no way he's turned into a nasty idiot overnight so I can't fathom why you planned a child together.

BUT that's bye the bye.

You need to prepare for single motherhood. He has zero intention of changing so counselling will not help.

He has a nasty streak in telling you you'll never be allowed back should you leave. Nasty controlling men get nastier when the little lady's up the duff as they think you're bang where they want you to be. Vulnerable and dependent.

Even if he is "just a dick", please tell your MW at the 16w appt. That's when they start liaising with other agencies to support expectant mums who may need extra support through the pregnancy. Sounds like you'll need it.

Speak out now. As its unlikely to get any better seeing as the whole dynamic of your lives has now changed:for nine months at the very least

fluffyrobin
That’s s not very helpful.

Look at 15 weeks pregnant you have plenty of time to find out the legal situation, sort out alternative accommodation etc. So I suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor or CAB to find out your rights and benefits entitlements. Might be useful to have some counselling to help you think through your options.

I completely understand what you mean about why should you be the one to leave, but remember you can’t make him change, you can only change how you behave. Can you live separately in the same house, move into another bedroom that sort of thing. For the sake of being able to say you have done everything to preserve your marriage, could you suggest couples counselling? Whatever you do, don’t leave things as they are, have a think about what you want and make a plan. As a pp said once the baby arrives, you will not easily be able to sort out benefits, accommodation etc

He can not keep you out of the house, regardless of what he says. He is talking complete and utter shit. Equally you can not do the same to him, unfortunately in this case.
Yes ideally he should leave as he is the one creating the issue but considering he is a selfish arse that's most probably not going to happen.

Nagging isn't going to get you anything - he is his own person and has shown you over a number of years what he's like with drinking, attitude to money or ability to resolve issues...

The point being that you nagging isn't going to give him a personality transplant and magically change him into the person you wish he was. But you're an adult with free choice so to up to you to either stay in this relationship feeling sorry for yourself or just move on.

Sounds like my dad. My mum mentioned staying up all hours when I was tiny because he was out clubbing all night.
It’s doesn’t change ever. The men just look more stupid as they get older out and about at 5am. Please leave him now while you don’t have a baby in tow to have to move everything with. It hurts but you’ll be much happier and have much happier times ahead if you leave now.

As OP and DH are married, and are realistically not going to be divorced before the baby is born even if OP decides to end things now, there isn't the option of him not being on the birth certificate. He automatically has parental responsibility when they're married. It's only unmarried women who have the option of leaving the name off.

Which is a shame, because it would be a good idea in this situation. The father's name being on the birth certificate means parental responsibility, and by the sounds of things OP your child would be much better off without that.

Thanks again everyone for your replies/advise. He was at home when I got in and asked how long I was going to keep this mood up for, I just walked away from him. So I'm upstairs now trying to make some plans and work out my next step while he is downstairs watching TV without a care in the world except the fact that I haven't made any dinner.

I feel very stupid for ever thinking he would change, and whoever said I was selfish for bringing a baby into this - you're right and I feel like I've left my baby down already before it's even here. But I'll make it right now and not waste more time on hoping to change someone who is perfectly happy just the way they are.

Thing is, you're now thinking like a mum and your instinct is to protect the life inside you. You have 25 weeks before you give birth, and that is more than enough to make the changes you desperately need to. He's not going to change, he is who he is and his attitude towards you absolutely stinks. You know that you can't inflict that on your child, but just even acknowledging that this isn't right is a massive step and you're heading in the right direction. Talk to someone in RL - parents, friends, relatives, anywhere you can go in the short term. He can threaten you with allsorts but he will have to support you financially and your baby so it's all hot air and you will have to learn to tune him out. You haven't let your baby down so don't even go there, you already have all the signs of being a great mum .

You need legal advice now and to proceed to divorce. This man is never going to be a responsible husband and father.
Better to get on with sorting things out now than when you have a newborn.

He sounds really nasty. Make plans for a future on your own as a single parent.

He wants to be a family man to outsiders, but he doesn't want to actually be there for you.

Best to know you're on your own.

Even if you left. ..he can't stop you returning. ..he can't change the locks and not give you the new keys. He has no legal right to do that with a jointly owned property.

Has he ever been violent with you? I'm wondering how he would actually stop a pregnant woman returning to her home.

I couldn't say it any better than ChickenMom has. If you think leaving is hard now, it'll be harder with a newborn. If you're going to do it nows the time. It's a shame you don't have a support system (though I highly doubt this is a coincidence - I'm sure if you think about it you'll see the signs of him having isolated you to prevent you leaving) but you can still do this. I really hope you do, he sounds so horrible.

Al Anon

So sorry op. He sounds utterly utterly vile.

Don't beat yourself up about having a baby with him - you made a mistake, so what, who doesn't, you've learnt now.

If he is an alcoholic - and it certainly sounds like it - he will never change while he is in active addiction. You and millions of others have been through the agony of trying to reason with an addict, to no avail.

Try to get along to an Al anon meeting. You'll be glad you did.

Congratulations on your baby

My ex was like this, I wish I'd made him leave as soon as it started. He ruined my pregnancy and ended up leaving anyway!

Be strong your baby needs you to do the right thing for you. Men like this suck all the life out of you.

A couple of years after I met my now husband and we have 3 dc, there is a happy ever after, just not with the asshat....