15 weeks pregnant and husband's behaviour is appalling

[Bethan8883]

Hello,
Name changed for privacy reasons. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5 years. I am 33 and he is 34 and I am 15 weeks pregnant with our first child, a planned pregnancy, although he has always been more keen/desperate for a family than me, but the baby is very much wanted.

We have always had a slightly volatile relationship - generally arguments about him being selfish and me nagging him and being boring. Now that I am pregnant I probably do seem boring - we used to go out drinking a lot, partying all night etc, and now I am out of that scene, which is fine by me. My husband has always had a bad habit of going out for 'a couple of pints' and not coming home until the following day - long benders where he gets off his head and is totally written off for a couple of days after. This happens 2 or 3 weekends in every month. I always said that things would have to change if I got pregnant/had a baby, and he promised that he would change his ways. Low and behold...nothing has changed. He did it again on Saturday, as he has done throughout my pregnancy, he promised he'd be home by 11pm and rolled in at 5:30am (actually early for him, it's normally 7am) and then spent most of Sunday in bed. I don't know what to do. I have argued with him, cried hysterically, told him I'm leaving...he doesn't care and can't understand why I'm so angry. He says that he's doing nothing wrong and that life doesn't have to stop because of a baby, and that I'm trying to ruin his life. I don't know whether to leave now or wait until the baby comes to see if that makes a difference. It's making me ill and I just can't seem to get through to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and disrespect. Any advise anyone? Or is he right, and it is me who's in the wrong?

If I were you OP I would start saving now and get enough money for a deposit on a room.

I would plan to escape as soon as financially viable, taking with me all important documents. Once safe, I would contact a solicitor about divorce proceedings/mediation and seek to sell the property.

You haven't let your baby down, your baby is not yet born. You have his or her whole life to ensure that they are protected from this rubbish. There is no reason why you can not give your baby a perfectly loving and happy life as a single parent. But you're going to have to make the changes, your husband won't.

Do you want this baby as a single mother?

I'm sorry to put it bluntly and do not wish to offend you, but at 15 weeks pregnant there would still be the option to terminate.

I think you should consider carefully whether you intend to terminate the pregnancy swiftly as your partner is clearly not intending to take any part in the raising of your child - or decide that you are going to go it alone as a single mother and make definite plans as to what your next steps alone are. Can you take some legal advice as to whether you would be able to remain in the house? Clearly it would be easier for him as the highest wage earner (and not pregnant) to leave and find a flat if you are separating.

He's not going to change, that's who he is & trying to change someone rarely works even if a child comes onto the scene.

Are you not wondering where he is when he vanishes for days on end?

Hi Bethan

Firstly please don’t guilt yourself about having this baby. It was planned together, you discussed it, your married and working, own a house, and most importantly he promised he would change. He has let you and baby down, not you.

Secondly and I’m sure it’s already been said but lots of men, even those who want and plan babies suddenly seem to want to hold on to their freedom.

Thirdly this could go two ways either he will get a shock once baby is born and change or will continue and perhaps get worse.

The question you’ve got to ask yourself is do you want to hang around to find out which he will do?

The only thing I would say from experience is that with they way he is behaving and acting right now is ruining your pregnancy. It’s such a special time and right now your angry and upset with him, in months or years to come you will really resent him for this. You need to consider that if this continues once you have the baby are you prepared for the possibility that he may completely ruin the special newborn and early baby days? Again you will end up even more resentful of him if that ends up being the case.

It’s would be actually much easier to cope on your own with the baby because you know you only have yourself to rely on and no ‘him’ to let you down. Also initiating a split once the baby is here will be much harder than it is now, though it will never be easy no matter when you choose to do it.

For now, I assume you have a spare bedroom? I would move myself into the room (if it being used for another purpose change it and make it your room). If it’s to be the nursery don’t worry as baby will be in with your for at least the first 6 months anyway. Stop enabling him in any way, don’t cook, wash, clean or do anything for him. Look after yourself and your bump (if you feel guilty about this just remember he is looking after himself plenty down the pub with mates). This will hopefully give him some small insight into life without without the stress (for you) of moving. Maybe he gets the hint to change or maybe he doesn’t but either way you w gained yourself a little bit of independence and perspective. You can choose what to do from there.

One thing is for sure, you do not have to put up with his shit. You do not have to be the little wife at home pregnant with his baby while he goes out on the lash. You own half the house and any marital assets, your entitled to maintenance. Despite what he says it’s not all his (prick) it’s all half yours and your in a good and strong position.

I hope that helps

I always said that things would have to change if I got pregnant/had a baby, and he promised that he would change his ways. Low and behold...nothing has changed

No, of course not. You never really thought it would, did you?

Bloody hell, leave the woman alone will you. All this stuff about it being OP's fault for getting pregnant. I have an absolutely beautiful dd from a similar arsehole of a man. Also managed to leave him when I was pregnant. One of my friends had her dd with a wonderful man. Thirty years on, my ex has become quite civilised and my friend's is now an appalling specimen of a man. Your perfect lives are most likely not going to stay perfect for ever.

Oh it's that time! I hope you're ignoring the drivel OP.

I am sure many people, like you OP and like me too, lived with someone who made all the right noises about having a baby and changing lifestyles. It's really pointless to beat up on posters because their partners lied. Now is not the time. Obviously.

OP there was no mumsnet when I was in your shoes and the people I did tell were completely unsupportive. It sounds like there is a strong possibility that you will take things in hand and spare yourself and your child the soul-destroying way of life your OH thinks is good enough for you and your baby I hope you can be calm and do what you need to do to untangle yourself from this situation. You and your baby deserve so much better. Being a single mum is a wonderful thing. I wish I'd had the guts to do it much sooner.

Thanks for the kind/supportive/sympathetic words, and also the slightly harsh ones, it's all what I need to hear and already know to be true.
I've got my 16 week MW appointment on Friday so will make some headway and plans before then, and see if she can point me in the right direction as had been suggested. I feel like a bit of time-waster as she's a MW and not a counsellor but I guess this is all linked as a baby is involved.
Considering there has not been one positive story posted on here where a partner has in fact kept their promise and changed their ways, I think that's all the knowledge I need to know what to do next. Thanks again everyone.

Good luck OP, being brave enough to do the initially harder thing now will be the best thing for you and your baby and save you a lot of upset later on x

Don’t be afraid to lean on your midwife. That’s what they are there for. And no doubt she will have encountered this situation many times before, so she should be a real help. Tell her how you feel. She will give you sound advice, I’m sure.

It is not unknown for men to step up abuse or become abusive for the first time during the pregnancy. They choose exactly the right time when they think you have less choice i.e. are more vulnerable and emotionally ‘tethered’. Amazing that they can convince themselves that means you’ll put up with any old shit. Luckily we don’t live in the 19th century any more. You don’t have to put up with it. You have assets, rights and a healthy self-regard. Keep it that way. He will grind you down if you stay together.

kitty is right. He lied. You had no reason to disbelieve him, but now you know he lied. Ditch him. Having a shitty partner is worse than no partner. You have rights and you can get support.