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Relationships

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Original poster

DP has severe depression and I'm shit

52 replies

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 15:47

DP has awful depression he's on medication and seeing a counsellor but says he doesn't want to exist anymore etc. We have 2 DC. He feels sad/ empty/ detached from our lives and instead of being sympathetic I find myself getting angry. I hate that I'm so shit at supporting him but I can't seem to get out of the awful loop of wishing he was different/ just could cope with real life. I feel so overwhelmed by the children and job stuff it would just be nice to share the load. But I can't because he can't handle stress. Please, someone help me pull it together and stop being such a bitch.

OP posts:

Rockandrollwithit · 04/03/2018 15:50

You aren't being a bitch OP. I suffer with depression and I know how frustrating it is for those around me. He isn't doing it on purpose even though it can be very annoying.

I know it's hard to accept but you can't fix this for him, the only person that can do that is him. So please don't run yourself into the ground doing everything for the children and trying to fix him too. Encourage him to get professional support and celebrate all the small steps with him, but don't try to do it for him. The only person responsible for his mental health is him.

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 15:54

He has tried several types of medication and has weekly private counselling. Non of it helps. He's had depression since he was 16. He says he's never going to feel better. Privately I worry the same. And if true what on earth do I now? I love him. More than words can say- we were childhood sweethearts- but sometimes I fantasise about leaving him. I really am awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 15:56

It was easier to support him before children. Now my focus is them and I don't have the energy for everybody. And I worry about the effect on them. DS(4) asked this morning why daddy always looks sad, even when he's playing? What do I say to that?

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category12 · 04/03/2018 16:04

Maybe it's time for you guys to separate. How long have you been supporting him? Could he move back to his parents for a while?

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 16:07

We've been together properly for 10 years. I don't want to separate. Is that selfish? I love him. The children love him. But the older one is noticing that daddy is unhappy. Does that matter? There are lots of parents parenting with MH issues. See I just go round in stupid circles.

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Rockandrollwithit · 04/03/2018 16:08

I think you need to be honest with him and say that now you have the children, you can not support him. There have been times in my marriage where that has been the case, and as the depressed one I have accepted it.

Does his depression lift? How long does he have between episodes?

Rockandrollwithit · 04/03/2018 16:09

Ginny, I've been with my DH for 14 years and we have managed to work through this issue.

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 16:09

And DP wouldn't want to move either. He's stayed with his parents for a few days here and there when things have got too much for me but he's always happier to be at home. But then it feels like I'm living with a joy sponge. I know he doesn't mean to be like it but he is and it's exhausting.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 16:10

Can I ask rock what works best for you? I'd say at the moment things rock for him between terrible and manageable but still bad.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/03/2018 16:13

How about temporarily, tho? So you could get a break? If he had supportive parents, for him to go back there for a month? If you're well-off, into an intensive therapy course?

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 16:16

I don't think he'd agree to it. It's a struggle to get him to agree to a few days. TBH I don't think his parents would agree to it either. They don't understand depression and ask him to snap out of it.
But I do think more mini breaks might be a good idea. This afternoon I sent him to walk the dog for a couple of hours. (We normally do it as a family on the weekends. And the headspace has been lovely). Might suggest he visits family/ friends more. It's difficult getting a depressed person to want to socialise though.

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RandomMess · 04/03/2018 16:26

I think it would be good to tell to go do x y z, it helps break the cycle.

Food shop, visit people, a hobby/club??? Board games, watching a box set snuggled up together? Keeping busy does help with depression tbh

Rockandrollwithit · 04/03/2018 17:26

Joy sponge is the perfect description for it! What works for us is me not expecting my husband to take on caring for me as well as the kids. I've had a lot of CBT and know that only I am responsible for my mental health.

And there is one medication that works very well for me, when things are bad I know that there is that option.

I think ultimately it comes down to acceptance. For a lot of people depression is a chronic illness, can you accept that about your partner? He may not ever get better and if he does, it won't be all the time. Does everything else about your relationship and your life together make that worth living with?

quantiestillecanisinfenestra · 04/03/2018 17:38

OP how long has he been on his current medication? Could it be time to review it with the doctor? Or does he have six monthly/regular appointments with a psychiatrist?
How long has he been having counselling for, and might a different approach work better, such as CBT?
Do you get any support as a carer?
Sorry to fire questions at you, just a few initial ideas

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 17:44

OP if you ring your local IAPT to self refer you will be able to get counselling for yourself to learn to cope or decide to leave.

They may also offer something Called couples counselling for depression which helps couples to work through one partner having depression in a more healthy supportive and boundaried way, for both of you.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 17:45

Is it actual counselling he's having?

Because he'd be better off with a cbt therapist, they offer the gold standard talking therapy for depression. If you're paying for therapy at least make sure it's the one most likely to work. Counselling can help with certain models, but nothing comes close to then effectiveness of CBT for treating depression.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 17:47

Depression can be a chronic condition but if he's on meds and having therapy and it's been a while with no improvement then it's not working. Time to consider changing his medication for something different and a new therapist, especially if he's got a counsellor currently. Try CBT.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 17:49

And as difficult as it is to do when he's down, try not to enable him. Read up on it if you're not sure what I mean by that. It's tempting when you love somebody but one of the worst things you can do when somebody has depression or an anxiety disorder.

I speak as someone with depression in a long term relationship with my partner who doesn't.

Ps although we work really well together, if I was depressed nonstop for months or years on end with no respite/not doing enough to help myself, I'd fully support him in and expect him to leave me. depression is contagious sometimes and although developing it isn't his fault you don't need to go down with a sinking ship either.

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 18:02

It is CBT he's having, sorry. He's been on many different medications. None of them work. Or at least only work a little. He says feeling numb is the best he hopes for. It's shit but all the good stuff about him/ us makes up for it. I'm just having a moan really. And worrying about the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 18:03

Limon me having counselling or us having joint counselling is a great idea!

OP posts:

Original poster

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 18:06

In sickness and in health. I wouldn't even consider leaving him if he had a more visable illness. That's why I feel like such a cow

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category12 · 04/03/2018 19:06

In sickness and in health. I wouldn't even consider leaving him if he had a more visable illness. Not true.

You're not a cow, you have spent 10 years living with his depression and are looking at a lifetime of the same, bringing up your dc in the shadow of his illness. You'd have to be a saint not to struggle with it and consider your options at times. You're human.

Do you or he have your own space to retreat to?

crazyhead · 04/03/2018 19:29

You need to get some counselling yourself really OP so you allow yourself the right to feel what you feel. When you got together with your husband, you can’t possibly have known what this depression would do to your life. It’s such a tough illness and i’m sure you are coping with all sorts of unfairnesses and inequalities of effort you never would under normal circumstances- it’s a rough deal. I don’t know what the answer is, but looking after and being kinder to yourself is step one, it really is

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 19:39

In sickness and in health. I wouldn't even consider leaving him if he had a more visable illness. That's why I feel like such a cow

The thing is, it's not the fact that he's got an invisible illness or a mental illness that's making you feel like you can't do it, it's the impact of his illness on you and your family. If he had a visible physical illness that was causing such an impact you'd feel the same! I get the sense you are so afraid of stigmatising or judging him you're willing to tolerate anything as you don't want to seem like you're not understanding. But you can be understanding, be completely knowledgeable about and respectful of mental illness, and stil struggle. It's okay to find it difficult. If he had a physical illness that affected you all so badly and there was no sign of it getting better and it was bringing you down you'd find it just as hard I think.

How long has he been with this therapist? As if it's longer than a couple months I would be encouraging him to have a discussion about how it doesn't seem to be working. Try something new. There are a couple of evidence based types of therapy within CBT, one more behavioural based and one mode cognitive, so perhaps it's worth trying something different? Or another therapist. Sometimes it's the therapeutic relationship that's getting in the way of progress.

What else does he do to manage his depression? Exercise, healthy eating, socialising, being active and engaging with hobbies? Does he come back from therapy with work to do between sessions? If he's having proper CBT he ought to be. It's not just about chatting and offloading, it's about setting goals and then learning techniques and strategies to help improve your mood and manage depression and reach your goals.

You sound like a very loving partner. It's okay to recognise this is hard for you too. That doesn't make you selfish or mean you don't care about him. Lord knows there are days when I'm at my worst my partner is frustrated with me or my mood brings him down too. He's only human so I get it.

Also I'd encourage you at times to try and focus on being his wife not his therapist, it's tempting to get super involved with his mood and discuss it all and try help but only he can take steps to change, you can be a supportive wife and let him know you're there for him but make sure you don't just fall into therapist/shoulder to cry on mode as that will seriously disrupt your romantic marital relationship, perhaps irreparably.

LadyDeadpool · 04/03/2018 19:41

First of all it's not forever. He needs to find the right medication as that makes a huge difference to the illness. It did for me before I was put on my current medication I was suicidal and on the verge of being committed it was only my husbands dedication that convinced the psychiatrist to let me stay at home.
Get yourself out of the house with the kids you need self care too, don't forget yourself in all of this.
You can find support groups for adult carers as essentially this is what you are.
You're doing an amazing thing by supporting your husband and although he might be in a bad place right now when the fog clears he'll never be able to let you know how much your support has mattered to him. (projecting there a little!)
Remember you're human too and it's okay for you to be frustrated with the situation.

Sometimes you're going to have to be cruel to him, tell him he needs to help out, the more he wallows the worse things are going to be, he needs to keep his mind occupied so he can see the good things around him too.

You're amazing the same as any other person caring for a disabled loved one, don't doubt yourself.

As for the affect on the children it's hard I've spent many a dark hour considering either killing myself or running away so that my husband and children don't have to deal with me anymore but they're all amazing they understand that sometimes I have bad days where I'm sad but it's because I'm poorly and the doctors are helping me to get better and I still love them very very much.

But he does need to sort his medication it might take a while I went through 6 or 7 different medications before ending up on an antidepressant and anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer if he's suicidal have him present at A&E and ask for the emergency psychiatric team in the end they saved my life.

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