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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP has severe depression and I'm shit

52 replies

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 15:47

DP has awful depression he's on medication and seeing a counsellor but says he doesn't want to exist anymore etc. We have 2 DC. He feels sad/ empty/ detached from our lives and instead of being sympathetic I find myself getting angry. I hate that I'm so shit at supporting him but I can't seem to get out of the awful loop of wishing he was different/ just could cope with real life. I feel so overwhelmed by the children and job stuff it would just be nice to share the load. But I can't because he can't handle stress. Please, someone help me pull it together and stop being such a bitch.

OP posts:
GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 19:45

Argh!!! And now we've just had a row over bloody Mothers Day. He told me he needed to watch the rugby it's one of the few things that make him happy apparently. I promise I'm not normally spoilt or precious but it just got to me and now we aren't even speaking. Sad

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/03/2018 19:47

Sorry, Ginny, but he sounds quite mean, too.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 19:49

I feel so overwhelmed by the children and job stuff it would just be nice to share the load. But I can't because he can't handle stress. Please, someone help me pull it together and stop being such a bitch.

This worries me a bit OP. Is he saying that his depression means he can't shoulder his half of the childcare, housework etc? That's not on. That's unfair to you and allowing it is actually likely to be counter productive to his depression lifting.

He doesn't get to just opt out of normal necessary activities because he has depression, sure he may not operate at full capacity but avoidance will only make things worse: the less practice he has at managing stress the more scary it becomes, he lets you do it all and that increase his guilt and sense of worthlessness and emasculates him, you feel the strain and stop seeing him as an equal spouse you can rely on to share life's difficulties so it damages the relationship, it's also proven that increased activity helps depression so if he is reducing his activity and engagement with normal life that will only increase his lethargy, decrease his motivation and make things a hell of a lot worse. One of the focuses of CBT is learning about mood dependence and getting away from only doing things when you feel up to it, with depression you rarely feel like it so you don't do it but then you have such reduced exposure to any potential source of joy, achievement, closeness to others. So it's about doing more, even baby steps, even when you don't feel like it, as increased activity increases mood.

The stereotypical idea of allowing someone who's depressed to stay in bed all day with the curtains drawn because they can't cope with anything else is harmful in most cases and enabling. It's fine on the odd occasion but if he truly is letting you shoulder all of the burdens and stressors on your life that's just going to make the entire situation worse and eventually I'd be pretty fucked off too.

When I'm at my most depressed all I feel able to do is stay in bed away from stress, no cleaning or cooking or even showering. But it makes me feel so much worse. It's better for me when my OH puts his foot down and drags me into the shower and tells me it's my turn to clean the kitchen, even though I hate it at the time.

I'm not saying he's exaggerating his depression to get out of facing up to stress, I don't know him. But you can't be expected to cope with everything a couple normally handles together, kids, work, house, and also stretch yourself indefinitely to account for a mentally ill partner. It's not possible without you ending up poorly as well 💛

GeorgeTheHippo · 04/03/2018 19:50

He'll just have to record the fecking rugby and watch it later, when it suits you.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 19:51

Did you already have non rugby mothers day plans he's now changing?

Cos if so I'm sorry but that does sound a bit manipulative saying he wants to watch sport specifically on Mother's Day because 'it's one of the only things making him happy', he's trying to put you in a position where you can't say no as then you're not supporting him in his depression.

Remember: what makes you happy is every bit as important.

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 19:51

He isn't mean, expat he didn't mean that I don't make him happy. Just that his hobby keeps him sane. He doesn't see the problem with doing something with me and kids in morning/ going out for lunch and then watching in the afternoon. I just wanted to be his priority. To be fair he did later say he wouldn't watch it. But it felt like I was forcing him not to rather than him wanting not to. And then I'm left not knowing if I'm being the selfish one or he is.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/03/2018 19:52

Yeah, the rugby thing is ridiculous. Sounds very selfish and uses his illness as an excuse to check out of life.

category12 · 04/03/2018 19:52

It's not spoilt or precious to want to be treated on Mothers Day, especially in this situation. He's being selfish and expecting everything to revolve around him all the time.

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 19:55

No limo we didn't have any plans but he knew I'd like to celebrate the day. He wasn't sure if rugby was on Saturday or sunday. When he found out he just assumed he'd be watching which hurt me.

He does more than his fair share of chIldcare/ housework. I just meant the emotional burden/ stress if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Blarblarblar · 04/03/2018 19:57

I have recently come out of a pretty terrible depressive period. I definitely think my DH and I were hanging together by a thread. As much as he could have been more supportive I used him as an emotional punching bag and aloud myself to really wallow in meeeeeee. It can be very selfish. You are not horrible to want to leave you have done it for a long time.
If he doesn’t ever lift out of it (and I don’t mean to be cruel) are you sure there is another side to him? In that maybe he is just a lazy, selfish person rather than someone with mental ilheath!

NauticalNavy · 04/03/2018 20:03

No advice just a CakeFlowers for you, I could have written your post word for word, except I’m only 5 years in Sad

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 20:15

He's been diagnosed with depression by several doctors. I feel like his emotional punchbag. And that needs to stop.

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GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 20:15

Nautical I'm sorry. It's beyond shit. Cake for you too.

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Merryfeckingchristmas · 04/03/2018 20:17

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Merryfeckingchristmas · 04/03/2018 20:19

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LimonViola · 04/03/2018 20:20

In what way does he treat you like an emotional punchbag?

Nutellaoneverything · 04/03/2018 20:22

Hi OP I'm another one that could have written your post word for word, especially the description joy sponge, it just feels like every bit of motivation and fun is sucked out of me as soon as we're in the same room when he's low.

I admit to wanting to leave at times too, but would I leave my husband if he had a physical illness? It's the day to day being a mother and everything else as well as the tension and pressure of the mental illness, the constant fear of suicide, and how it affects the kids.
How old are your kids? As soon as mine were old enough to understand I just told them that he has a poorly mind and to see daddy as poorly whenever he's in bed. I don't want my children growing up despising their dad for being ill.

As for counselling I think that's the best advice so far. We have had couples counselling and individual too. It's really helped us understand each other and helped us negotiate sensitive issues together with our counsellor that we don't usually dare address for fear it becomes another huge low.

She's also helped me to work through the pain of loneliness and grief of being the main emotional and physical burden bearer. She has also encouraged me to find my own life outside of our relationship so I have started up old hobbies, been away without him and it definitely helps just to get out of the same space as him (being at home with small kids means we're constantly around each other as he doesn't work much)

Keep going OP, it's so tough at times. Flowers

GrouchyKiwi · 04/03/2018 20:40

I'm sorry this is so hard on you, Ginny. Having depression doesn't stop you from caring about the people who love you, and it doesn't give you a blank cheque to do whatever you want. Supporting a person who has depression is bloody difficult, and you need time to yourself and emotional support too.

I have depression and I know how hard it is on my husband. Like you he has to do extra with the children and the house that I, as a SAHM, would usually do.

Can you get some support through a charity like Home Start? Or if you're in a position to do so, pay for a mother's helper or similar a few hours a week? Is there someone else who can come in to give you space if your husband can't or won't?

I agree that his current therapy doesn't seem to be working for him. He might need a change of medicine or a change of therapist/therapy style. I don't think it's right or fair that he wallows in it to the extent he seems to be, but acknowledge that people experience depression differently.

Matt Haig has written a wonderful book about his struggles with depression and anxiety. It's called Reasons To Stay Alive and it's very honest. I found it very helpful.

You're not shit. You're not a terrible person. You're doing the best you can and you're wonderful.

Does talking about it help you? Maybe you could use this thread to decompress and feel support? Flowers

Boswellox · 04/03/2018 20:49

The "Tyranny of the Sick" is actually a thing, unpalatable though it is to say.

LimonViola · 04/03/2018 20:51

Could you explain a bit more about that bos?

Boswellox · 04/03/2018 21:13

doncoppo.wordpress.com/

The Tyranny of the Sick
Conversations about how individuals and families live full lives even when dealing with chronic illness.

GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 21:43

The punchbag thing I just feel like when his depression is at it's worse and he's feeling at his lowest he looks for arguments as a way of relieving stress. He denies that.

OP posts:
GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 21:47

I see how much he's struggling. And I'm so proud of how everyday he fights his own mind and inner-demons and gets to work and plays with the kids when he comes home. It just seems like once they're in bed he has nothing left for me. He can't pretend anymore. So he gets tearful or distant and it pisses me off that he can't pretend for me. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
GinnyTassel · 04/03/2018 21:49

And I am going to speak to him about changing counsellor/ medication. He's tried a few different people and many medications. For some people is there no approach that works?

OP posts:
HootenannyHouse · 04/03/2018 21:56

Perhaps psychotherapy might be a better approach rather than the CBT. If there are some rather deep underlying issues that need to come up the CBT will only mask it not sort it. But I do agree you need to become his wife not his sorter. You need to not fall into a toxic cycle of interaction. For now it might help you to find other people to support you. Go out in the evenings. Call people. Don't rely on him unless the two of you have made specific plans to watch a film etc. He may need this downtime and you need to feel fulfilled.

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