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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why are men so shit?

84 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 08:54

And i know it's not all men, but from a single woman's perspective, it seems to be a high percentage.

I was meant to be meeting a man for lunch yesterday. I know him from real life. No time had been set. It got to 10.30am and I just text to say as I hadn't heard from him I was assuming it was off and let's just leave it.
We have been trying to meet up for a while but it's not happened due to work and holidays, or at least I thought it was that.

He eventually replies to say he was going to text me when he got home. Which still would have been after we were due to meet, and that he's just been busy. I replied with ' me Too' and wont ever converse with him again.

But it's draining. I had sorted chilcare, got a nice outfit together, done my hair so i was ready.

I'm not even bothered over him , it's more the dis-respect and casual dis- regard of me and my time. And it just pushes me further away from even putting myself out there.

This happened with another guy from real life just a few months ago. In the end I did call him on it and he said sorry and even now he keeps messaging me his number if I want to go out. Which I don't, and have said so..

I just don't understand.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 11:47

Yea sorry about that! No idea how I came up with that! But nonetheless, onwards and upwards...

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:52

Onwards, but it still hurts quite a bit.

Incidentally he has replied to say he didn't mean to meet up then at all.

OP posts:

dontdontdont · 04/03/2018 11:55

Incidentally he has replied to say he didn't mean to meet up then at all.

???
Did he mean what kingjoffrey read it as above?

If I were you I'd stop texting him - I think it's just upsetting for you if you are feeling hurt. Draw a line under it.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:56

I have no idea what he thinks he meant.

I don't much care and think it's bull, to be honest.

In any case that was his last chance.

OP posts:

userxx · 04/03/2018 12:05

Do not text him again, all this angst just isn't worth it.

GameChanger01 · 04/03/2018 14:25

With OLD and even clearly in real life

Guys are either

Really into you and will do everything to ensure you meet asap- very difficult to gauge online
Kind of into you- will take ages to meet, flakey, not enthusiastic... honestly not worth the agro unless you want to be driving force and likely to fail
Not into you at all

I prefer 1 or 3 as I hate flakiness and generally 2 guys always are a lot of effort for nothing

Dozer · 04/03/2018 14:33

Not that into you, not worth bothering with.

I wouldn’t meet anyone for an initial “date” during their lunch break from work. If they’re interested they’ll suggest a date/time when there’s more time.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/03/2018 14:41

God, sounds it all sounds like hardwork to arrange a date.
Never apologise for such a thing again.
Don't text him again.
Go and enjoy your childfree time with a book in a coffee shop.

Ryder63 · 04/03/2018 15:30

This sounds very hard work, OP, and he seems quite arrogant and offhand with you. You may be correct in thinking he just wants a bunk up! I agree with PPs. Don't text again, shrug and move on. He's clearly not worth being hurt over.

I've been single for many years (gimmer), and fairly recently ventured into dating again. It really is confusing. The men I've met up with seemed keen on me, but entrenched in their ways and routine. No spontaneity. Not suggesting I'm so fabulous they should drop everything to be with me at any time - but I felt very far down the priority list -and the last one wouldn't even delete his POF account after dating me for quite a while!

Viviennemary · 04/03/2018 15:36

Women friends can be unreliable too. Cancelling at the last minute with a feeble reason. So it's not just men. You are right to be annoyed. He should have let you know whether the meeting was on or off and you should have run the day before to confirm it. Being friends with some folk is just too much like hard work sometimes and not worth the effort.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 15:38

A line is firmly drawn.
It's just odd and hurtful. It seems the moment you back off they come chasing. I want to be treated nicely from the start, not when they think they have lost their chance.

I'll just feel sorry for myself for a few days then move on.

OP posts:

FunnyThat · 04/03/2018 18:17

I honestly think if you believe it's "all men", then it's game over. That belief will come across when you meet/interact with them. Self sabotage and all that.

Write off the shit ones, but those "episodes" down to experience and get out there. It's a game of numbers.

Good luck

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 18:28

Funny - if it's a numbers game then I should have won it. I've been on more dates than most people have in their life time. But ultimately the ups and downs of online dating are not fun and hard to tolerate after a while.

I do think it's a lot of men and that's based on my experience. It's not self sabotage, how can it be when I was willing to meet up with him?!

It's just another way of blaming me for his shit behaviour. Incidentally he has been online on social media all after noon , liking pics of women on instagram, and not saying sorry to me and setting up a new date. I think that shows it's very much him and not me self sabotaging

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/03/2018 18:32

Quidditch I don’t know what the answer is, but don’t let anyone tell you that a guy being rude and disrespectful is in any way your fault or that you’re sabotaging yourself by having standards!

Offred · 04/03/2018 18:36

I think people can sometimes get into a bit of a vicious cycle with dating and everything ends up being magnified through the lens of past experiences.

Anyone who has got to the point where they are tarring an entire group of people as ‘shit’ is no longer seeing individuals within said group as individuals and there is no point doing dating at that point IMO.

I think there are problems within the culture of masculinity for sure, the way people form and sustain relationships has changed too but this doesn’t tell you anything about individual men whom you need to be able to meet without the baggage of all the men that have gone before.

It’s not a criticism, I think it’s understandable when people get to this point, but IMO it’d be wise to take a break from dating and work on being happy alone.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 18:38

I know it's not my fault. I think that's why I feel so hurt because I'm so offended that ive been treated with such disrespect and dis regard.

And it feels so much worse than it happening because it's from Someone I've known for over a year. It's just rude.

It takes balls to put yourself out there and it takes balls to do that with someone you know. And it feels like he has just said ' you are worth nothing '
But I bloody well am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 18:44

Until last nov I hadn't had a date in years, because I had reached that point.

And I'm fine on my own. Being happy on ones own doesn't mean you are immune to wanting sex and companionship. I have been single a very long time.

My date in nov was from real life and he messed me about till I called him on it and now he keeps asking me out and giving me his number over and over.

I haven't had an online date in years. This man was also from real life. I didn't intentionally seek out a date with him.

Him being a flake is not my fault. My happiness level or how long I have been single has no influence on his behaviour.

OP posts:

Offred · 04/03/2018 18:58

No, I’m not meaning to suggest or imply that your happiness or otherwise has any impact on his behaviour.

Your general happiness and your attitude towards dating does however impact how you feel about things when someone messes you around.

That’s more what I was referring to.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 19:11

But it doesnt. Anyone would be pissed off at being messed about.

Married friends say they couldn't put up with it and wouldn't be able to deal with it.
I shouldn't have to have no feelings to be able to deal with some men's shit behaviour when dating.

OP posts:

Offred · 04/03/2018 19:17

‘Course but the point I was making was if being messed around has you feeling ‘why are men shits’ why date at all?

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 19:21

Because I would like to be proved wrong.

I don't want to think all men are shit.

I don't want dd to grown up thinking all men are shit either.

I live in hope that they are not.

Experience says other wise, but I still hope that one day I'll be wrong.

Im not actively seeking out dates either, as ive said.

OP posts:

Offred · 04/03/2018 19:30

No but my point is people are far more likely to prove you right than wrong if that’s your view. You’ll attract people who are shits, ignore indicators they are shits because of trying to overcompensate for your preexisting feelings and then feel even worse when they let you down.

You’ll just have more and more negative experiences because of confirmation bias.

I appreciate that you are not looking to date but I can also see how the ‘wanting to be proved wrong’ thing contributed to the negative feelings about this experience.

You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve not brought it on yourself, you should have standards and expect respect but it’s clear you are also worn down by past experiences. For your own well-being I do think it could help to just have a period of saying no to dates and thinking only about yourself.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 19:34

Yea but until Nov I had had no dates for 2 years.

And I've only had one date in November and that was 4 months ago.

I'm sorry but your point makes no sense.
I don't go around generally thinking men are awful. I have male friends and work with lots of nice chaps.

I just get exasperated when I do go out on a limb and say yes to a date ( which is rare) that they act like a dick and blow it.

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 04/03/2018 19:42

He's not setting up a new date because he's not into you. Stalking him on social media is not going to change that.

I think there is an element of self sabotaging, and I'm saying that because I used to do it myself. You could come across as (very mildly) bunny boiler, continuing to text when he's made it clear he's not interested, watching what he's doing on SM.

Take a step back, maybe have a break from dating. It is very hard work! You'll find someone that's right for you, and when you do it won't feel nearly this difficult.

Ryder63 · 04/03/2018 19:44

OP - if you want sex and companionship, how about considering a FWB for now? Not someone you already know, but maybe finding someone online? That way there are no expectations - you get some of the benefits of a relationship - but you are in control. A sort of halfway house between celibacy and loneliness and a full - on relationship.

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