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Original poster

Why are men so shit?

84 replies

Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 08:54

And i know it's not all men, but from a single woman's perspective, it seems to be a high percentage.

I was meant to be meeting a man for lunch yesterday. I know him from real life. No time had been set. It got to 10.30am and I just text to say as I hadn't heard from him I was assuming it was off and let's just leave it.
We have been trying to meet up for a while but it's not happened due to work and holidays, or at least I thought it was that.

He eventually replies to say he was going to text me when he got home. Which still would have been after we were due to meet, and that he's just been busy. I replied with ' me Too' and wont ever converse with him again.

But it's draining. I had sorted chilcare, got a nice outfit together, done my hair so i was ready.

I'm not even bothered over him , it's more the dis-respect and casual dis- regard of me and my time. And it just pushes me further away from even putting myself out there.

This happened with another guy from real life just a few months ago. In the end I did call him on it and he said sorry and even now he keeps messaging me his number if I want to go out. Which I don't, and have said so..

I just don't understand.

OP posts:
BatFinked · 04/03/2018 10:27

You're not reading the messages wrong particularly. It's just that this one isn't the one for you

I don't want to stress the obvious but I will ... when you meet the person for you, this stuff will not be difficult. It'll be easy and there'll be no second guessing or miscommunications. It will all flow and it will be easy

You just haven't met the right one for you yet. It's as simple as that

Stop flogging this dead horse and move on with dignity intact which it seems like what you're doing

Purplerain101 · 04/03/2018 10:34

I don’t think you’re misreading the messages either. I can see exactly why you thought you would be meeting him for lunch. The only thing I would have done differently is to have asked him to confirm a few hours beforehand so you could make other plans if he ended up not being available. If I didn’t receive this confirmation then I wouldn’t have started to get ready.

I agree with the pp that when you meet the right one then arranging dates will be easy and uncomplicated. When two people are really into each other then flakiness like what you experienced yesterday never exists

EdWest · 04/03/2018 10:40

At 1030, might it have been better to text, 'are we still on for lunch?' rather than 'I presume lunch is off'? I agree that he was lax not to have communicated with you by then, but people do get busy, and yes men are often shit, especially about arrangements. I didn't live in the real world until my 30s, it's a big problem.

NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 10:43

So this one isn’t for you. But next time, after the ‘hurrah’ maybe suggest a meeting point and also write “will you text me that morning to confirm times?”

To play devils advocate, perhaps he felt you left him hanging a bit after his ‘hurrah’.

ginch · 04/03/2018 10:45

Come on OP, you need to back off totally here, I think you know that.

If he wants to meet up he'll make it happen, he knows you're interested.

dontdontdont · 04/03/2018 10:49

Isn't the normal thing to do after the 'hurrah' to say ok when/where do you want to meet? and lock down the appointment so you have a definite arrangement to meet.

If you get back a load of flannel - like 'oh we'll work something out later' - respond with "I have a pretty busy diary and I will need to pre-arrange child care so it's easier for me to know when that will be for."

If still hot air - bin it.

If you are just "bookmarked" then you don't know where you stand - the problem you had here.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 10:50

I do know that. I think it's obvious hes not interested.

I responded to his hurrah with a smiley face emoji so didn't leave him hanging.

But now because of this thread and feeling like maybe it was my fault, I've messaged him saying sorry for the mis understanding as I thought I was meant to be meeting him at lunch time.

I think I'll now look like an even bigger fool

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 04/03/2018 10:51

I agree op.. Not in men are shit but that it's seems now there is a casual disregard for anyone else. I have friends who do this stuff... I think it is so incredibly rude, but got told that apparently 'it's modern life now'... What to be so effing selfish and self centred you can't think about others at all.
This guy is not worth another minute of your time.
Not everyone is like this....

dontdontdont · 04/03/2018 10:52

PS: I also don't think this is a "man" problem. I think its a personality type. Some people like to have definite plans and definite arrangements who hate last minute planning. Some people are more casual 'play it by ear' types who loathe making plans well in advance . If you have two people who are at the extremes of those types then it can be difficult to find common ground.

LesisMiserable · 04/03/2018 10:53

Maybe if he's working all day on a Saturday, giving his lunch break over to a first date a bit of a sacrifice and effort - it would for me. Perhaps he for too polite to knock your suggestion back and went with vagueness instead.

NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 10:56

I responded to his hurrah with a smiley face emoji so didn't leave him hanging.
Grin
Oh op it’s a mine field! I don’t even think we had emojis in any real sense when I was last dating. But a solo “:-)” in response to a text would have felt like a non-message.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 10:56

It was his suggestion!

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 04/03/2018 10:57

Men are not all shit,some people are.
He's just not bothered.

dontdontdont · 04/03/2018 10:57

But now because of this thread and feeling like maybe it was my fault, I've messaged him saying sorry for the mis understanding as I thought I was meant to be meeting him at lunch time.

Don't blame yourself!

It's not your fault any more than it was his fault. Both of you had a bookmarked date and nothing definite. If you had the kind of lifestyle where this didn't matter - (Say if he called you at 12.00am saying I'll meet you at 1.30 and you had the freedom to drop what you were doing and go OR if he didn't call you had other things to be doing anyway so it was no big deal) it would have been fine. Sounds like you don't have that lifestyle so a pre-plan matters to you. If it matters to you, it's worth sorting it out in advance.

I think most people have been caught out like this before - not least because if you really like someone, you fear that asking for a definite time/date looks a bit too keen and you are chasing plus you are hoping they are keen to see you so they will be doing that bit. Soy you wait and wait and wait and then end up in the situation you are in - cross that they didn't, and cross with yourself for letting it get to that stage.

kingjofferyworksintescos · 04/03/2018 10:58

I would have read the "hurrah" as "good for you you have free time whilst I'm busy with work " it was assumption on your part and lack of communication from both of you , you should have clarified first , don't write all men off just communicate openly and clearly

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:01

For context this has happened 2 other times with him.

First time he said we could have lunch ( we work close) and then he text to say he didn't think he was going to get a break till later and could we do it the next day and he would let me know his break times

The next day I made sure I looked nice agsin and then never heard from him till late in the afternoon.

This was a few months ago and he's mostly been written off in my head, I've been busy too. He's been in contact a bit more the last few weeks so thought maybe it might happen this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:04

His hurrah was to me saying I could meet him for lunch or a coffee.

I must have typed that several times.

And people are telling me to comminicate better.

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 04/03/2018 11:05

Don't bother contacting him again. If he wants to see you he will.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 04/03/2018 11:11

Your expectation and agreement was pretty clear. Saturday Lunchtime at his workplace. He was a flakey dick. Don't waste anymore time with this one.

As someone else said upthread, you don't actually need a man for anything, we are conditioned to think otherwise.

Fwiw one of my oldest friends is single, no ties etc, and still sees us meeting for our regular catch-ups as casual, free and easy, will txt when my train gets in type thing. Whereas I work and have dc and all the usual time restrictions, school picks up etc and constantly have to remind him of that. Most men I know are totally self absorbed and thick and I thank god I am not in a relationship with any of them!!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:18

I know I don't need a man, I've been single over 10 years.
However, it would be nice to share things/ life..

I have not done so much dating in the last few years as the craziness of online dating got too much. I decided to chance it in the real world and this is what I get.

He knows I have a daughter and asked if I had her this weekend or was free. I think that actually lunch time wasn't when he wanted me to be free and he was hoping for of a bunk up and that's why he flaked.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 04/03/2018 11:22

I think you have hit the nail on the head there, op.

NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 11:25

I think your last sentence is the most sensible thing I think you have written. It sounds like that exactly and so move on and leave him to it.
That industry doesn’t always attract the most sensible and suitable people to try and have a good relationship with.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:27

What industry?

I haven't said what he does for work?

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/03/2018 11:29
Blush I thought he was in a restaurant/cafe/bar setting when he said you could come and say hi! Sorry... 2+2=5
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 04/03/2018 11:34

No.

He's a nurse.

OP posts: