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Original poster

Older and wiser after divorce? So what is really important in a new partner

78 replies

Lostlily · 04/03/2018 08:48

So i am in my early 40’s and starting dating after divorce and best part of twenty years.
Lots of people have said to me ‘this time around you know what you want’ but do I? Do we?
What do we think is important in a partner as we get older.... looks/ status/personality traits/ background etc ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostlily · 04/03/2018 09:08

Bump

OP posts:
Alis0902 · 04/03/2018 09:10

I think we still want the same things we did when we were younger. It’s still important that we are attracted to them so lots of different things are important Looks. Dress sense. Traits. I think we learn how important trust is in a relationship and are more likely to ditch where there’s distrust quicker as we are older. But we perhaps know more about what we don’t want in a man and what behaviours we won’t tolerate. I think the things we find attractive may have changed over the years. I think maybe relax and enjoy the dating part and it will all come together.

greenberet · 04/03/2018 09:12

How about truth, honesty and the ability to talk about difficult things - if they can do this none of the above matter as you can always work something out

pointythings · 04/03/2018 09:16

Well, I'm in the process of divorcing and the first thing I'm going to do is spend a good long time single so that I can work out what I want. Because right now, I don't know.

I thought I had what I wanted - a guy who was an equal partner, who shared my values, who I was attracted to, who was smart, funny and generous.

Then he turned into a depressed alcoholic who couldn't be arsed to parent his own children or pull his weight at home, despite both of us working full time.

So I guess what I want is safety, and I can't have that because people change. I may never dare to progress beyond a FWB relationship because of that.

Sally2791 · 04/03/2018 09:21

I am in the process of divorce and my biggest fear is making the same mistakes again, not seeing warning signs and being used. Or I may go the other way and be completely intolerant of any imperfections. Luckily most of the time I like my own company and I'm not convinced that they are worth the hassle

Joysmum · 04/03/2018 09:23

It all boils down to one thing for me:

Someone who values your wellbeing and happiness as much as their own.

jemimarose · 04/03/2018 09:28

I am mid 40s and have a new partner. He is a proper grown up, my ex was not. He makes me laugh so much, we get on brilliantly. It is so easy we just tell each other how we feel, no mind games but plenty of honesty and trust. He make me happy and that's how I know he is the one for me. It sounds so simple now that I don't understand how I stayed married to the wrong person for so long, couldn't see the wood for the trees I suppose.

funmummy48 · 04/03/2018 09:28

I remarried 20 years ago, 6 years after my divorce. My second husband is the complete opposite of my first in terms of looks and values but is similar in terms of sense of humour. I had a mental "tick list" when I started dating after divorce...it wasn't long but I decided not to compromise on the things that were really important to me in a relationship. 20 years on, we're both very happy. Good luck!

lubeybooby · 04/03/2018 09:33

when I left my ex my new years resolution was 'no more grumpy men ever' and I stuck to that

I knew I wanted a lot of traits my ex didn't have

kindness/selflessness
real rather than imagined intelligence
ambition

that's just off the top of my head

Anyway, found him and I'm ridiculously happy now. @Joysmum answer is a good one and applies here as well, my DP values my wellbeing and happiness as much as his own and I his.

Eslteacher06 · 04/03/2018 09:38

Biggest thing for me was to find someone with the same morals...and someone with a similar background helps but not necessary.

Plus if they are interested they would run over hot coals for you. None of this 'I've got work...Im busy to meet/text' rubbish. Not unless you feel the same way.

If online dating...I found not showing my picture initially helped. It screens out the weirdos. I would then go through the list and contact those who were interesting. Don't get me wrong, I met many frogs (but made an interesting story) but I met my husband on online dating after a particularly nasty relationship. What I loved about him was that he was talking to me for a week before he asked to see a picture :)

Original poster
Lostlily · 04/03/2018 09:38

Thanks for the replies.
I guess what I am thinking about a.... when we are young say in our 20’s looking for the partner means different things! Such as having children, buying first home, building careers etc...
in my 40’s I have my career, I have a home, I’m too old for children.... so now I’m thinking about the other stuff such as.... true mental.compatability... someone I can be with ‘just us’ and no kids or things to distract us and someone I can do the thing I never could first time around.
I echo you jemimaros in that now that I am out. I can’t believe how we stayed together for so long!
The divorce has made me stronger and I’d never ‘settle’ again.
I am attracted to different men physically now aswell, has anyone else found that?

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/03/2018 09:45

I had the exact conversation in therapy last week. I'm not saying since slitting from my abusive, violent alcoholic (bastard) ex but I think I would like to in the future. I know the red flags of abuse etc etc, so obviously I will look out for those but therapy in general has forced me to see how much I have tolerated from men throughout my 20s and 30s and helped me see my worth. I actually feel sorry for the next man I become involved with because fuck me dating me will not be a walk in the park, but that's fine because I am definitely worth the effort.
Obviously there has to be a physical attraction but mental stimulation is just as important.
Patience, family values, morals, manners, empathy, strength of personality are all necessary traits.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/03/2018 09:47

Dating not saying

Xocaraic · 04/03/2018 10:13

Kindness. This encompasses everything. He will be kind to you, think of others as well as himself. Will want to do small things like buy your favourite mag or chocolate bar in the garage.
I want to be able to sit, quietly in a room, both reading our own books or whatever and when he nips out to put on the kettle, he comes back with a cup for him and one for you. Unexpected little kind gestures.

kaitlinktm · 04/03/2018 11:09

Agree with Lubey that I would never date a bad-tempered man again - because eventually, that temper WILL be turned on you. Also agree with OP that it depends on what stage of life you are at. I probably won't have another relationship now at my age (am quite happy btw) but if I did, I wouldn't marry or move in with anyone - my house is mine and I like having my own space. I wouldn't share finances - all I would want would be a social and sexual relationship, but I can live without that - and have for years now.

ChinkChink · 04/03/2018 11:18

Another vote for kindness as number one requirement.

Similar moral values and interests.

Original poster
Lostlily · 04/03/2018 11:26

Yeah the house and finance sharing thing is a big one for me.
I like and miss coming home to someone, but have learned the hard way that sharing finances doesnt pay off.. so to speak! I earned quite a bit more than my ex, had my own home to start with and spent all my inheritance on our last home which massively increased its value. And he walked away with half of it after being unfaithful to me for years!
I DONT think I’ll be doing THAT again! 🤔

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 04/03/2018 11:32

I think the absolute requirement is being able to have effective conversations about the tricky stuff. Money, kids, trust, exes, whatever.

If you can't do that really you're screwed. Second time around is so complicated, as you usually have so many more responsibilities and often, money.

Doesn't matter how much you can laugh with a guy, if you can't make a shared plan about how your money is going to work, that you're both happy with (really happy, not tolerating for the sex) then the wheels will come off.

So you both need to be able to have those talks.

userxx · 04/03/2018 11:36

Kindness, integrity, morals and of course I need to be attracted to him, body and mind. When I was younger I was a sucker for a pretty face and a nice hard body 😏

greenberet · 05/03/2018 08:49

I had morals, same backgrounds, similar interests, ambition, looks but couldn't talk about anything - when finances were a bit hit and miss in early days he took control which stopped arguements _ job done issues with ivf all got buried in a box as did his childhood - stress of work dealt with by working all hours - dm died - boom - all his issues were suddenly down to me and off he went.

I agree with MrsBert here - if they cannot talk about what is at their core forget the rest because when this core starts to bubble up to the surface as it will everything else will no longer matter and if they cannot deal with it they will be looking for someone else to blame.

Sosog00d · 05/03/2018 10:43

Really glad to see this thread. I want someone who is genuinely appreciative of my qualities, and isn't threatened by them.

Someone who is on a similar wavelength and has zero tolerance for.abusive behaviour.

Looks wise, I don't have a type...but they must like and respect women, not be closet sexist, racist etc.

Can't you tell my DH (oops, ex) is a charmer 😰😰

I'm more than good to enough, and more than worth it. Am terrified of getting back out there, though, because I although I say I'm good enough, I'm not sure I actually feel it.

Arrghhhhh!!

CranberryCrush · 05/03/2018 11:02

For the first time in my life I would just like someone to have my back.

I don't need a man but I would like one that I can laugh with, someone to love that loves me back. Where we communicate on every level and share the important stuff, not necessarily finances or even a front door.

I am however older, wiser and much too cynical after 26 long years in an abusive relationship and a couple of years on and off of dating.

I'm mid 40s and find that men around my age are either single for very good reason or have got old prematurely. I'm sure that there are good ones out there but I have missed out on so much more in life than a loving relationship. I'm busy catching up elsewhere which leaves little energy to dedicate to actively finding a partner. I would like to think that I will meet someone naturally as I go about my life but I'm also very happy to go it alone if not.

yetmorecrap · 05/03/2018 15:02

The bad temper thing is an issue, as it very often doesn’t rear its head for a good while and can be a response to life events rather than an inherent part of personality

CaptainCardamom · 05/03/2018 15:10

A bit like pointythings I can't quite imagine myself ever really fully committing again, though that might be because I'm still adjusting.

For me it's not so much that people change but that it can be so hard to see people's true colours. My ex put me through hell with his lying and gaslighting, laziness and selfishness, and passive aggressive wankery BUT he was, and still is, lovely, charming and self-deprecating on the surface. Most people think he is wonderful. If I met him now I probably would too. He's had no problem attracting new women, because he can just switch it on. While I'm much better at seeing red flags now, I don't know how I can know for sure that someone is what they seem to be.

If I could though, I'd say the qualities I want are honesty, kindness, wit and open-mindedness.

And I hope if I do ever start dating, I'll be much better at acting on red flags and moving on straight away.

CaptainCardamom · 05/03/2018 15:15

Oh god yes and confidence - not showy bluster or smarm, but the actual confidence and self-belief not to be threatened by me. I've had men feel threatened by my tallness, my career success, and my intelligence (though none of them are particularly extreme). Some have actually told me that straight out! I think many men can only cope with a woman they can look down on in some way.