Older and wiser after divorce? So what is really important in a new partner

[Lostlily]

So i am in my early 40’s and starting dating after divorce and best part of twenty years.
Lots of people have said to me ‘this time around you know what you want’ but do I? Do we?
What do we think is important in a partner as we get older.... looks/ status/personality traits/ background etc ??

I think it's just a case of older and older tbh. I saw a good comic sketch on how basically you just swing from one extreme to the other - "I want someone reliable" > "Mr Reliable is boring, I want someone who can surprise me" > "Mr Surprising is chaotic, I want someone reliable". I think it's easy to do something similar, always looking for someone who is not like your last partner.

But dating in my late 40s there is definitely a difference - far less pressure to be with anyone at all, not looking for a potential father for my children, not looking for anything long-term particularly.

In a nutshell for me: Fit, funny and kind

I've found it's not necessarily about looking for certain traits in a partner than it is about learning about my own boundaries and red lines. I no longer have the tolerance for any abusive or gas lighting behaviour. One red flag and I'm out. I realise that might be somewhat an extreme view to take but it suits me and has remarkably cut out some arseholes.

One of my close friends has given up on men and romantic relationships altogether. Whilst another is shagging her way through a particularly painful divorce.

Each to their own.

Bumpity bump bump....more wisdom and insight would be greatly appreciated!

What do you want from a partner?
Looks - anything that would put you off?
Status - do you care? Would some financial support be useful or would you be fine with someone poor?
Personality - what kind of person do you like being with generally?

I don't think there is anything that "women over 40" all want in a partner :)

I think it's just important to think about what you want today, rather than automatically looking for the same kind of partner you wanted at 20. Do you even want a long-term relationship, necessarily? Do you want to live together?

If I was looking for a new partner it would be, happy in their own skin, kind, not mean, not prone to temper tantrums, not fat, intelligent, good job and not that bothered about sex and def not overly into porn

I'm looking for a man with confidence who doesn't need mothering or managing. Someone who knows how to do laundry and compare energy costs, who wants to plan a day out and most especially someone who can drive.
It would be great if he was rich too.

Good post Raven... I think financially solvent is important to me, having been through the mill with ex.
Then again that might say a lot about my values... Bloody hell I need to have a good think about this.

I've had three main relationships in my life. First was with a really funny, intelligent guy but in the end I felt there was no passion (together nearly a decade). The second was with a funny guy, fantastic salesman but crap with money and his morals and once we had a baby and I'd stopped adoring him he started sleeping around (was also jealous because he was projecting). Third and the man I'm splitting up from seemed amazing. I'd known him for many years as his cousin is a friend of mine so got together really quickly because I felt I knew him. Turns out he's emotionally and financially abusive, controlling, jealous and his mother is a narcissist.

So if there's any man in my future, there will be no ties to him. Separate houses (especially as my kids are still young) , finances etc. I want someone really interesting and funny again and someone I look forward spending time with. I'm not bothered about looks as I always find people I like attractive. Also someone that I can trust and is open with me. Ideally some shared interests and that's it.

Shared interests, honesty, and someone who is 100% comfortable in their own skin. Add some obviously-needed sexual chemistry and you're good to go.

Insecurity is so damaging to a relationship. It leads to dishonesty, mind games, lack of trust (both ways), etc. People trying to change each other is a mug's game.

I would never get with somebody who wasn't confident and happy with themselves and with me the way we both are.

confidence - not showy bluster or smarm, but the actual confidence and self-belief not to be threatened by me

This. Self-confidence (which does not mean outgoing and loud) is key. People with high self-confidence make better partners. No trust issues, no trying to be something they're not or trying to change you into someone you're not.

Also honest and communicative.

wow I'm quite proud of this thread some really good strong and confident women out there showing that we have/are learning from our mistakes and choices and not afraid to go it alone if we can't find what we want!

I guess I am nervous about sharing my 'life' with someone else after losing so much after my marriage has failed.
I told one of my male friends that I wasn't sure if Id ever marry or buy a property with someone again or 'Put all my eggs in one basket' because it just leaves you too vulnerable and you lose so much when/if it all goes wrong.
He said that if he was dating me and I said that he would show me the door because there would be no future, based on my bad experiences of the past and its wasn't fair on future partners
this did make me think??

That's a dreadful thing to say! So his logic is that you're a bad bet because of a 'failed' marriage?

What's his criteria for failing anyway,?

Really hope ive misunderstood your post !

Your friend is right OP. You have to move on and learn but not penalise any future partner for past mistakes.

I divorced a selfish, self centred, emotionally retarded pig years ago. I went into dating with the following;

I am OK just as I am. Only date someone if they improve that situation.

Any red flag, any thoughtless behaviour, any showing they're not considering your needs and they're out. No messing.

Judge people by what they do, not what they say. Big one this. And applies to all walks of life!

I dated for a while and honestly thought I'd never meet anyone and I was also OK with that. Then I met my now husband, I knew from day 1 he was perfect and he still is 5 years later. We moved in together after 3 months and bought our house not long after. I just knew it was right.

Don't settle. You are enough. When your other half does arrive, you'll know x

I think there's a compromise to be made between being optimistic and being sensible. WRT money/ property it makes sense that before just putting all your eggs into each others baskets you would discuss how things would work, protect yourself and any DCs future financial security etc its not as simple as first time around, what's mine is yours etc. Your friend is naive and tbh if he would write someone off for wanting to keep some independence he would be no loss to most of us! Self-selection if you like

I didn't really learn an awful lot after leaving my XH - I ended up quickly falling into a relationship with someone who was his complete opposite, but fucked up in other ways! So basically I'm back to square one now no wiser really.

I know I won't tolerate anything resembling abuse, but it is insidious, it creeps into your life in imperceptible ways (the boiling frog analogy) so I don't know how you guard against that really. I guess just be prepared to leave once you feel uncomfortable, which having some independence helps with.

Being solvent is helpful, but tbh my recent ex had a lot more money than me and it just created an imbalance and made me spend more than I could afford to try and keep up. I would rather someone who wasn't ridiculously wealthy, who can bring more to the relationship than being flash.

Making me laugh is important, sexual chemistry is important, but mainly respect for me and women in general is the main thing I'll be looking for next time. I should have known from the start that XDP's 'chivalry' and 'traditional values' meant he was actually a bit of a sexist dinosaur (despite being younger than me!) I will be listening very closely for anything resembling misogyny with any new partners.

I really have lost hope a bit. I know so many awful men, cheats, narcissists, emotionally stunted man-children, that I do wonder if any of the decent ones could possibly still be single. I'm not looking for now, I need to be happy on my own for a while I think.

GPerfectly put. I feel pretty cynical and jaded at 42. But have figured it can't hurt to begin to like me, first. That way I hope I can recognise the red flags and remain firm in my own boundaries.

I am emotionally battered and bruised still 3 years down the line. I still assume the worst and quite often get it.

That's within my gift to change, then think about a partner. I refuse to stereotype but I'm definitely disappointed in the calibre of most of the ones I know.

Kindness. Unnecessary kindness, kindness above and beyond normal expectations.
Being kind to people who aren't in a position to reciprocate.

@lostlily well if that's the way they view it then I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.

I love my DH dearly and we are retired and living out our dreams, but even a good marriage is hard work at times. And I don't think I could handle trying to 'break in a new one'. But if I were to become single and consider a new relationship:

I'd want someone who was financially self-sufficient, had his own interests (as well as joint interests) and who respected my independence as much as he valued his own. Someone who was honest and kind. Someone who understood that my children come first, and I would expect him to feel the same way about his.

I would NOT want someone who wanted to live together, marry, or who wanted someone to be 'wife-like' (i.e. wife work). I also wouldn't want someone who wanted a 'care taker' for his 'golden years'.

if he was dating me and I said that he would show me the door because there would be no future, based on my bad experiences of the past and its wasn't fair on future partners
But you wouldn't be dating him, would you? You'd be dating someone who wanted the same kind of thing out of a relationship as you! Someone who also didn't want to buy a house together, or whatever it is that you are looking for. And if you did accidentally date him and found out that you had different wishes, well you'd be out the door before he could show you anything!

I want to live on my own for a while and feel independent. I'm dating a man who doesn't want to live with anyone either. We both want to meet up a few times a week and have a bit of fun together. I know a couple who have been together for 10+ years but each have their own flat.

Like some PPs I find it hard to imagine moving in with someone, sharing finances and decisions, ever again - now I have my own place and freedom to make decisions without stupid, obstructive, inconsistent, PA arguments from XP every time, it's just too good to come back from. It's bliss. But that shows I'm still as a PP said "bruised" and recovering from XP. So it's possible that one day I'll be in a different place, and that "other half" could appear. He'd have to be truly astonishingly great to be an improvement on my single life, but that's a good thing –to know I don't need a partner and don't want one unless he's amazing.

I think maybe after a long relationship (almost 20 years for me), a few years "off" is really helpful to reset yourself as it were.

I haven't see this mentioned yet, but one thing I will focus on is his FAMILY. I let it slide that my STBX's parents didn't enjoy having kids and that his dad is a demanding grouch because I thought my partner shared my values and was different. WRONG! Apple doesn't fall far from the tree right?
I'm going to look a lot harder in future at potential partners' families and their own relationships with their parents and siblings, as well as the style of their parent's relationship and parenting habits.

sugarplumps I agree. A good family and relationship with parents is a good sign to me.

I have started dating someone in the last 2 months, he is totally different looks wise to my usual 'type' that I didn't even know I had until someone pointed it out to me.
He is bald for a start.....which I never went anywhere near before but for some reason although he is not amazing looking he has:
nice eyes and teeth, very tall and nice body and his confidence and capability is really attractive. This was what sparked this thread really. I think I am looking for totally different things now I'm older.
not so much looking for a pretty boy....looking for a man!

Sexual chemistry, solvent, intelligent and driven for me.

Not looking as happily married but I do agree that it depends massively on age/stage of your life....

Dh is a stable, supportive, caring man, the ideal life partner.. But if you had adult kids and were still youngish, you might just want fun and adventure? Someone more dangerous?