Older and wiser after divorce? So what is really important in a new partner

[Lostlily]

So i am in my early 40’s and starting dating after divorce and best part of twenty years.
Lots of people have said to me ‘this time around you know what you want’ but do I? Do we?
What do we think is important in a partner as we get older.... looks/ status/personality traits/ background etc ??

Lost Thanks for this thread. It's brilliant. Have been wondering for ages how to create a list of positive flags, as opposed to red. Your thread has helped to clarify my thoughts. Progress!

Thanks Ginny70
I think its really interesting to see what we are going for/avoiding as we are more mature and experienced.
I am surprising myself with how my choices have changed.
Either that or I am much better at spotting *holes now and what is actually important

To me, I'd say kindness and empathy. There are other qualities that you may find attractive, but without kindness and empathy, they can become meaningless.

It's interesting for me reading this, because I was widowed rather than divorced. I knew very early on that I had loved being married and didn't want to be alone forever. I didn't have any of these fears or (totally understandable) cynicism, which I'm only realising now was something of a gift.

I did sometimes worry that I wouldn't recognise red flags, or know how to protect me and my kids enough, but I decided that I had lots of experience in making friends from throughout my life, and that I'd try to apply the same criteria. Because ultimately hanging out with my best friend was what I missed most about DH1 - even ahead of co-parenting and sex, so I only wanted to get married again if it was to a new best friend. (Which I was lucky enough to do.)

I would NOT want someone who wanted to live together, marry, or who wanted someone to be 'wife-like' (i.e. wife work). I also wouldn't want someone who wanted a 'care taker' for his 'golden years'. This.

Same level of sex drive and not too controlling.

What his hobbies are and what kind of friends he has. And does he like smiling.

Communication. I know so many couples who haven't got a clue what proper communication is.

It is very different second time round. I don't fancy falling into domestic partnership one bit. I've done that and now I've got my kids, my house and my confidence. I love owning my own life, decisions, arrangements, money. I can't give it up.

I have a lovely boyfriend but I don't want to live with him. I like living with my kids and seeing my friends and doing my own thing, with him visiting and giving another nice dimension to this.

This time round I'm looking for kindness, good chat, self-sufficiency, good with money, educated...and looks always will matter - not being gorgeous but being attractive to you.

I think social skills are a must - someone who isn’t necessarily a party animal but who is happy to go to the theatre or out for dinner or for a hike and it isn’t a “chore” or “something to keep her indoors happy”

I’d also add beware of the “it’s only dating/casual so X weird habit doesn’t matter” .

Every time I’ve told myself to compromise, I’ve hugely regretted it and will never get that time back.

I think sometimes I’ve thought “ok, I don’t want a full-time relationship, so I’ll go for something lighter so does it matter if he’s X,Y,or Z if I’m not marrying or living with him?”

It does kind of wear you down emotionally if you’re interacting with too many “not quite right” people just so you can tick the “dating” box?

Realistically there aren’t many good types left after a certain age.

But psychologically I think being alone is fine, because it puts you in s better place to wait and connect with the good ones?

I’m still kicking myself over not connecting with someone I really liked, because I was “tied up with clingy weirdo bloke” at the time so wasn’t in the right headspace and didn’t have enough time

We don’t live in SATC - going on continuous bad dates with people we have little in common with isn’t the social default.

I absolutely don’t mean in terms of not being x height or driving the wrong car, but the guys who are a bit drama llama type or too intense or (feel like a cunt for saying this) guys with ex and children drama or guys with ongoing MH issues.

Excellent post zoeton

Ah Somerville, that is sad but also lovely.

Realistically there aren’t many good types left after a certain age.
What age? If you mean 30ish, maybe, as most people are in mid family life by then. But in their 40s many people have moved on to separation and divorce and are back out dating again. Dating at that age doesn't mean you are a no-good reject, or at least I hope people don't see me that way.

When I started dating after a long term relationship ( followed by a much needed break ) I really thought about what I wanted from both a man and from a relationship and realised that whilst I could perhaps compromise on a few trivial things the major ones were not available for compromise

I was clear with what I wanted - a relationship not fun and games , someone who was first and foremost my friend and lover, someone who had similar interests and background to myself ( attitude to family , morals , education , ethics, politics etc ) someone who was passionate about his interests .

I knew I didn't want a man tied to his past so a child free man was essential - and completely over past relationships , ready to move forwards

I didn't mind what he did work wise as long as he was doing something that he enjoyed , had ambition and drive and wasn't jaded by life

I didn't expect him to keep me or pay for me to do the things I enjoy but equally I did expect him to have sufficient earnings to pay for himself and not expect to be propped up financially or for me to cut back on things such as travel, holidays etc as he couldn't afford it

It sounds perhaps a bit ruthless written down but having put up with a rubbish man previously I knew exactly what I didn't want

My absolute came through last week. I've been on my own for 18 months after 23 years. I think I'm probably staying this way, it's so much easier. If, and it's a huge if, I did get together with anyone there is no way I would ever allow anyone to move in again. A relationship would only be okay if we had separate housing arrangements. I will not wait on anyone hand and foot again, I will not be controlled or called names or bullied in any way whatsoever.

Gilead - I too am single now for 18 mths. Not sure if I’ll ever date again, but definitely no plans to live with another man. My last long term relationship was just under 10 years - ex was a ‘nice personable’ chap - but was lazy in house and also contributed practically zilch to the family coffers. He expected me to financially support him - I ended up feeling like his mum.
So - if I ever do date , they need to be solvent - not rich, I’m not materialistic in the slightest but I’m not prepared to be a cash cow again.

I doubt I'd bother after being with my partner for 22 year! Certainly not until my child reaches 18. But:
Trustworthy
Wise but humble
Attractive to me, so maybe not conventionally attractive.
Preferably no kids, I'd make a shite step mum.
Solvent
Would dance with me
Would kiss me
Would talk with me
Would marry me
Would walk with me
Not afraid of emotions
Emotionally stable, not a man-child
Good at D.I.Y....but that's not essential.

It would be interesting to put this thread into one of those 'word cloud' thingies and see what words floated to the top. We'd probably have the recipe for the perfect partner.

But I'd be willing to bet that one of the top words/requirements would be 'respects me' or 'respects my independence'.

Thinking about “it’s only dating/casual so X doesn’t matter”, in some ways I feel a bit like that now - but I would say maybe about less important things, like looks. And at the same time, I also think "it's only casual, so it doesn't matter if it ends" - if I don't like something, I can end it. No shared belongings to divide up, no looking for a new home. So it can go both ways. I don't feel like I'm putting up with things I don't like.

But I'd be willing to bet that one of the top words/requirements would be 'respects me' Absolutely! My recent ex was wonderful in 101 different ways but that all meant nothing because the minute we argued he showed me exactly how little he thought of me.

Phoenix

I love your post!

For me, second time around I knew I needed kindness, compassion, honesty, stability- having been married to the exact opposite previously!

At 19 it was all about sexual chemistry from an alpha male type. I wanted good looks, physical strength and an almost moody exterior. In my experience that led to a marriage with a man that was obsessed by his looks/physique and an ego that constantly needed massaging; post DC when I had less time to do that he found someone else to do it. His moody exterior that I found attractive turned into wondering what mood he would be in upon his return from work or when he woke that day. Like so many others on this thread I'm surprised I stayed so long.

I was single for three years and this decision was a conscious one because I needed to rediscover myself and realise what qualities I wanted in a partner.

My main thing was I was extremely fussy. I will not put up with anything that is average or below.

I met a fantastic man and thinking about it his values in life are the same as mine. He's unbelievably kind and gentle with others and myself. I've realised that this isn't a weakness, in fact quite the opposite. He's comfortable in his own skin with his own opinions and interests. He values his career and is financially secure; shallow as that may sound I want someone who is able to create a future with me that doesn't involve too many money worries. He also gets things done...booking a table when we go out for dinner, booking flights and accommodation for a weekend away - my ex was incapable of booking a doctor's appointment.

He's not my protector, he's my friend, my lover and my equal.

He sounds awesome Weekend - where did you find him and does he have a twin brother ?

Tinder of all places My Relationship. Unfortunately not but I'm hopeful there must be more like him!

Weekend I'll derive the most hope from your post.... I'm 2.5 years down the line and a reluctant born-again virgin

I too have been working on me, redefining shattered boundaries and putting myself back together again... No guarantees but it's got to be time well spent.

Every happiness with your DP