Think it is finally over but wonder if it is my fault

[Storminateacup74]

I have reached the end with my marriage. Our options are to keep going as we are which is him emotionally abusing me and the children or letting go. At least I think he is emotionally abusing us. He blames the children he has never been a hands on dad so they always play up when he is around to get his attention. He says they have broken him and turned him into this evil horrible man. He is depressed and his mental state is worsened by the children constantly misbehaving when he is around. He was totally different when I met him but be cannot cope with the constant demands that being a family put on him. It is the noise and the mess that living as a family bring that he can't cope with. We keep trying to work through It but now the kids have zero respect for him and he has nothing towards any of us anymore. I am sure he is autistic as there are things ahout his childhood that point to autism and my son is autistic. Thing is I think everyone will blame me as outside these four walls everyone thinks he is so nice he looks after all the old people our way and would do anything for anyone but he treats us all with such disrespect. My kids behave so differently when he is around and i can't disipline them to behave (what a crap mum)not being able to disipline my own kids!!! But when he isnt around and there is a more relaxed atmosphere they are as as good as gold. We don't go out as a family and we haven't really for years. He would also choose to stay home and tidy or look in on the old folk than put himself in a situation that may involve noise or lots of kids! What happens next? Do I have to relocate with the children somewhere else where no one else knows us and start a fresh because people will think it is my fauLT?

Who cares what other people think?! You know the truth and that’s all that matters and you can’t livd your life to please others.

This isn’t the 1950s, nobody thinks bad things about divorced women anymore- it’s 50:50 that every marriage will go that way now and it’s not a big deal (albeit obviously dreadfully painful for those involved). I doubt anyone else will really think about it at all to be honest.

Divorce your abusive H as soon as possible and get him out of your lives permanently.

Who cares what other people think here? That is not important at all and they won't care either. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. Its not them who has had to live with this person after all.

Abusive people as well can appear to be very plausible to those in the outside world (like you describe of him). It is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Many people as well do not have ideal childhoods and do not abuse their partner as yours has done to you and your children. It is telling as well that your children behave far better in your presence than they do when he is around as well. You cannot keep doing your bit here to show them that yes, this is how people are treated in relationships. Your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when you are separated from him.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here at all.

You do not know whether he is on the spectrum or not and you are in no way qualified to state this (and what about his childhood as well points to him being on any ASD spectrum anyway?). Quite apart from anything else emotionally behaviour from him to you and your kids does not automatically equal autism. Your son is on the ASD spectrum but it does not automatically follow that his father is as well. Your H in all likelihood is not on any ASD spectrum.

Your main priorities should be you and your children getting away from this individual who is abusing you and in turn them.

OK, I know this is often frowned upon but I think it's valid in this case.

OP PLEASE re-read some of your other threads over the last year about your obnoxious husband and how he treats you. More importantly how he treats your children, one of whom has ASD.

PLEASE put your children first and get out of this marriage which we have been telling you to do for some considerable time. He's an obnoxious sorry excuse for a man and this is the latest in a long line of appalling behaviour. It's not fair on your children to allow them to behave as he does to them and you need to do right by them if you won't do it for yourself. I know it takes strength, but you can do it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3005392-AIBU-to-think-that-my-H-needs-to-step-up-to-being-a-dad-rather-than-blaming-my-parents

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2900654-Father-hates-his-son

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3065586-Staying-together-for-the-kids

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3184235-think-it-is-finally-over-but-wonder-if-it-is-my-fault

Most people don't appropriate blame at end of relationship unless they are aware of affairs or abuse. If a seemingly ok couple split, it's the old saying: you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Please don't let fear of a bit of gossip steal you and your children's future.