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Original poster

DH is jealous of my female friend

60 replies

Holdonnelson · 03/03/2018 23:34

I have had an old friend staying for the past 3 days. She brought her DC to stay too and they have been playing very happily with my DC. It would all have been fantastic had it not been for DH who has been absolutely awful to me since the moment she arrived.

I have been receiving long, hostile stares from him when I am talking to her, where I have to break off from conversation and ask him what’s wrong (and he says “nothing,” then goes back to staring and makes us all very uncomfortable.)

In all the activities we’ve planned he’s delayed getting ready and is making us late for everything or trying to get us to cancel them at the last minute. When I have tried to go without him because he has made us so late that we will lose out, despite warnings, he has shouted and screamed at me in front of my friend that I have no respect for him and I don’t care about him.

Every time I cook for us all, or make tea, or help her get stuff like towels and water for the DC, he announces to my friend that I never do this when it’s just him. That I cannot be bothered. That I don’t care about him.

In moments I have been able to snatch alone with him (which have been few and far between considering it’s 3 adults and 4DC in the house and I have been hosting them and making sure they are okay) I have been asking him what the matter is. He has said he has “no tolerance” for my “disrespect” anymore. None of it makes any sense because I have not been disrespectful, I have simply had to divide my attention a little more because my friend is here.

The worst bit is that everywhere we go he is insisting on driving and he is deliberately driving dangerously while we are all in the car (DC too.) I’m convinced he wants to scare us or intimidate us. He has been breaking the speed limit (in the snow) sliding up and down the roads, going off road and onto the pavement, trespassing. The more I have asked him not to, the worse he has been and the more he has done it.

This evening, we all went to the theatre and he leapt out of the car and walked off without us all. When we called after him he said, very childishly “you don’t care about me anyway.”

It occurred to me while I was watching the play, feeling quite teary about it all that it’s got nothing to do with respect, he is simply extremely insecure about me giving attention to anyone else.

So insecure that he is prepared to combust our marriage to name his point.

I’m not sure where to go from here. This is my very old friend who I care about deeply, who I am not going to ignore or treat badly just to prove something to DH about my feelings for him.

WWYD?

OP posts:
windchimesabotage · 03/03/2018 23:38

God he sounds completely unhinged!! Flowers
How old are you both? How old are your DCs? How long have you been together and does he have form for this type of thing or has this just occurred out of the blue?

If this is out of character id be more sympathetic to him and make an attempt to get to the bottom of what is going on with him.

If this is just another step in a long line of selfish man child behaviour then id be looking into getting my shit together to leave him.

PsychedelicSheep · 03/03/2018 23:41

He sounds absolutely appalling.

If this is genuinely the first time he’s ever behaved like this then you need to come down on him like a tonne of bricks and make it clear you will not be tolerating this shocking behaviour.

I suspect though, that he shows signs of being like this generally and that this situation has highlighted/escalated it.

RubberJohnny · 03/03/2018 23:42

Has he always been like this? If not and its a personality change, it could be a stroke or a brain haemorrhage.

HandMsMonkey · 03/03/2018 23:43

Wtf. Perhaps he's having a breakdown?

C0untDucku1a · 03/03/2018 23:45

Holy shit op. He sounds dangerous and unbalanced.

windchimesabotage · 03/03/2018 23:48

Also please dont get in a car with him again while hes like this!!
That driving thing is actually a real red flag in terms of capacity for violence. He could end up seriously hurting you and the DC.

overnightangel · 03/03/2018 23:52

Youve married a dangerous idiot

overnightangel · 03/03/2018 23:53

What @windchimesabotage said about the drive by thing
Massive red flag

overnightangel · 03/03/2018 23:53

Driving not drive by, obviously

GummyGoddess · 03/03/2018 23:54

Nothing to add except you have my sympathy. Your poor friend must feel really awkward too.

esk1mo · 03/03/2018 23:54

have my first LTB

Offred · 03/03/2018 23:59

This is shocking behaviour from him.

What does your friend think?

I don’t see what you have left of any kind of relationship after this TBH.

This is exactly what my dad does to my mum. She is still with him. She thinks it’s just how they are and she doesn’t mind it.

It was however horrendous to grow up around and I still can’t handle it now. I have all kinds of problems with angry people, actually really struggle to express anger myself and totally freeze and dissociate whenever I am around anyone angry.

Dontsayyouloveme · 03/03/2018 23:59

Your scenario is very very familiar to me. My ex was a vile controlling narcissist who couldn’t bear it when he didn’t get my full attention.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/03/2018 00:00

He behaves like an utter cock and you take him aside and ask him what the matter is. Do you realise that is bizarre behaviour by you too? When someone behaves like that you tell them to stop.

When someone is driving erratically on purpose, you don't let them have the keys twice. You either drive yourself or get a cab.

When he shputs and screams at you in front of your friends for "trying" to leave without him, I wonder how this is possible because normal behaviour is to have already gone so why would you be hearing the tantrum? Similarly, if he did start before you'd gone, surely you'd not hear more than the first couple of words before you heard the sound of yourself slamming the door behind you.

I can only assume that you have been well trained by a total shit of a man to think of him as the king of everything

This is my very old friend who I care about deeply, who I am not going to ignore or treat badly just to prove something to DH about my feelings for him.
You have nothing to prove. Your DH has everything to prove to you about his feelings for you. Right now he is proving that he gives no shits whatsoever about you. He will humiliate you in front of your friend. He will spoil your night out. He will put your life in danger on the road.

So tell me, why is it you who has to be proving things to him?

MattBerrysHair · 04/03/2018 00:01

So, he's putting several children's lives in very real danger in order to punish you for having a friend?

He is seriously unhinged. If this is typical behaviour for him then you need to leave ASAP. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse, least of all innocent children. If its completely at odds with who he really is then he needs immediate professional help and support. Deliberately putting others lives in danger to prove a point is serious.

Offred · 04/03/2018 00:01

I’d speak to WA about a safety plan TBH. He is frightening. I think I’d be too scared to stand up to him without having talked it through from what you describe.

PrizeOik · 04/03/2018 00:03

I left my ex partly because of behaviour like this, only, tbh, even my ex who was ridiculously, to the point of comedy, insecure about my friends - even he wouldn't be this unhinged.

He sounds actively dangerous op. Is there a way to stop including him in outings. He will kill you all in a car wreck and probably be pleased about it. The behaviour you describe is chilling.

Offred · 04/03/2018 00:06

My dad does this about us kids, about the grandkids, about my mum’s work, about her friends, about the food, the houswork etc etc etc

If he is ‘only’ doing this about your friends now then I would think eventually he will do it about anything and everything that he feels threatens his ‘right’ to your services.

Charliecatpaws · 04/03/2018 00:15

This is not a healthy relationship, think long and hard, you need to get out of this relationship

Aridane · 04/03/2018 00:20

Sounds horrific - what is he like usually?

Perfectly1mperfect · 04/03/2018 00:23

I know a couple of 'men' like this. They are vile, jealous and controlling. Behaviour that starts likes this tends to escalate in my experience. And do you really want to be with someone who is unhappy with you having other people and interests in your life? Its horrible to live with. It causes embarrassing situations. Women who live with men like this often end up losing friends because it's easier to not see them that deal with the partners behaviour. They become isolated and reliant on the partner which only gives more power to the partner.

I think you seriously need to kick him out.

Offred · 04/03/2018 00:23

My dad was even jealous of the sat nav a couple of years ago because ‘she obeys the sat nav but not me’. They are 63. She’s had 34 years of this stuff and it shows no sign of abating.

happyreds · 04/03/2018 00:24

Sounds awful :(

Please don't let him drive you and your DC anywhere, no matter how much he 'insists'. From my own childhood I can unfortunatley imagine how terrified your children were.

MrsElvis · 04/03/2018 00:43

Nows a good time to chuck him out. You have your friend there for support.

Seriously he just risked the life of your children, you and another family. What will it take for you to walk away!?!

userxx · 04/03/2018 00:48

He's sounds controlling, needy and fucking hideous.

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