DH is jealous of my female friend

[Holdonnelson]

I have had an old friend staying for the past 3 days. She brought her DC to stay too and they have been playing very happily with my DC. It would all have been fantastic had it not been for DH who has been absolutely awful to me since the moment she arrived.

I have been receiving long, hostile stares from him when I am talking to her, where I have to break off from conversation and ask him what’s wrong (and he says “nothing,” then goes back to staring and makes us all very uncomfortable.)

In all the activities we’ve planned he’s delayed getting ready and is making us late for everything or trying to get us to cancel them at the last minute. When I have tried to go without him because he has made us so late that we will lose out, despite warnings, he has shouted and screamed at me in front of my friend that I have no respect for him and I don’t care about him.

Every time I cook for us all, or make tea, or help her get stuff like towels and water for the DC, he announces to my friend that I never do this when it’s just him. That I cannot be bothered. That I don’t care about him.

In moments I have been able to snatch alone with him (which have been few and far between considering it’s 3 adults and 4DC in the house and I have been hosting them and making sure they are okay) I have been asking him what the matter is. He has said he has “no tolerance” for my “disrespect” anymore. None of it makes any sense because I have not been disrespectful, I have simply had to divide my attention a little more because my friend is here.

The worst bit is that everywhere we go he is insisting on driving and he is deliberately driving dangerously while we are all in the car (DC too.) I’m convinced he wants to scare us or intimidate us. He has been breaking the speed limit (in the snow) sliding up and down the roads, going off road and onto the pavement, trespassing. The more I have asked him not to, the worse he has been and the more he has done it.

This evening, we all went to the theatre and he leapt out of the car and walked off without us all. When we called after him he said, very childishly “you don’t care about me anyway.”

It occurred to me while I was watching the play, feeling quite teary about it all that it’s got nothing to do with respect, he is simply extremely insecure about me giving attention to anyone else.

So insecure that he is prepared to combust our marriage to name his point.

I’m not sure where to go from here. This is my very old friend who I care about deeply, who I am not going to ignore or treat badly just to prove something to DH about my feelings for him.

WWYD?

Is there any chance he had had an affair with your friend in the past and all this is a reaction to being in close proximity to you both?

Please don't get into a car with him again. Can you drive?

Whatever is going on he is behaving appallingly.

He is a Control freak. Everything is fine and lovely while he has full control of you and nothing interferes with that. He can tolerate you having relationships with friends and family at a certain distance. However, now you are seeing the full force of what happens when someone else takes your attention. He starts behaving like he did when he was 4 or 5. When your friend goes, he will miraculously go back to being Mr Nice. So your choice.
You have work to do and so does he if you want this relationship to continue. When your friend is gone you will have to call him out on this behaviour. Document all the extremes, the flouncing etc. and then show it to him later.
While he's 'inside' the behaviour he won't necessarily be able to notice what he's doing because he's so entrenched in the childhood feelings. A bit like a child having a tantrum, it's difficult to reason with them at the time. He can't be treating you like that, it's wrong and it's abusive and controlling.

Go absolutely apeshit at him, I would. How fucking dare he. Don't hold back because your friend is there.

In fact maybe could she take all the kids to a local park or something while you and he have a 'chat' about what an appalling ridiculous knobhead moron he is being and how he needs to grow the fuck up right now?

This reminds me of the dh of a friend of mine who used to insist on accompanying her whenever we met up. His mo was to be overly affectionate to her but rude and unpleasant to me (and her other friends). Their marriage was short lived whereas we have now been friends for forty years.
Your husband sounds deeply flawed and positively dangerous. I feel sorry for you and, particularly, your dc who are also being involved. Op you really need to think seriously about this. He won’t change.

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex. He used to do that with the driving because he knew I was an anxious passenger so he did it more to upset me and show he had control.

He eventually became aggressive, violent and slept with a close friend. At my birthday party.

Sorry.

He sounds dangerous, controlling and utterly vile.

Do you call him out on it in front of your friend?

Is he usually so controlling and jealous?

I really think you need to make plans to get him out and get a divorce.

Please DO NOT get in a car with him again.

Bloody hell. I mean throwing his toys out of the pram is one thing but putting children's lives in danger is another. What will he do next because of your 'disrespect?' It's scary. He needs to leave.

This 'you don't care about me' stuff is odd. Are you close to any of his family that might be able to shed some light on his behaviour/help in some way?

Sounds like he has deep rooted jealousy issues and is trying to control in some sort of way. Is he normally like this?

He is being such a child. Has he ever done anything like this with any other friends of yours?

OP, is everything ok???