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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is jealous of my female friend

60 replies

Holdonnelson · 03/03/2018 23:34

I have had an old friend staying for the past 3 days. She brought her DC to stay too and they have been playing very happily with my DC. It would all have been fantastic had it not been for DH who has been absolutely awful to me since the moment she arrived.

I have been receiving long, hostile stares from him when I am talking to her, where I have to break off from conversation and ask him what’s wrong (and he says “nothing,” then goes back to staring and makes us all very uncomfortable.)

In all the activities we’ve planned he’s delayed getting ready and is making us late for everything or trying to get us to cancel them at the last minute. When I have tried to go without him because he has made us so late that we will lose out, despite warnings, he has shouted and screamed at me in front of my friend that I have no respect for him and I don’t care about him.

Every time I cook for us all, or make tea, or help her get stuff like towels and water for the DC, he announces to my friend that I never do this when it’s just him. That I cannot be bothered. That I don’t care about him.

In moments I have been able to snatch alone with him (which have been few and far between considering it’s 3 adults and 4DC in the house and I have been hosting them and making sure they are okay) I have been asking him what the matter is. He has said he has “no tolerance” for my “disrespect” anymore. None of it makes any sense because I have not been disrespectful, I have simply had to divide my attention a little more because my friend is here.

The worst bit is that everywhere we go he is insisting on driving and he is deliberately driving dangerously while we are all in the car (DC too.) I’m convinced he wants to scare us or intimidate us. He has been breaking the speed limit (in the snow) sliding up and down the roads, going off road and onto the pavement, trespassing. The more I have asked him not to, the worse he has been and the more he has done it.

This evening, we all went to the theatre and he leapt out of the car and walked off without us all. When we called after him he said, very childishly “you don’t care about me anyway.”

It occurred to me while I was watching the play, feeling quite teary about it all that it’s got nothing to do with respect, he is simply extremely insecure about me giving attention to anyone else.

So insecure that he is prepared to combust our marriage to name his point.

I’m not sure where to go from here. This is my very old friend who I care about deeply, who I am not going to ignore or treat badly just to prove something to DH about my feelings for him.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Doublemint · 04/03/2018 00:51

He sounds terrifying. Talk to your friend. Driving like that would be a total deal breaker for me- it sounds like he was getting a kick out of putting your life and the lives of your children in danger.

LTB.

Maybe your friend could stay a while longer too so you've got some support while you kick him out.

snewsname · 04/03/2018 00:52

Well achieving his aim has probably just backfired because his behaviour has cost him his marriage - if you have any sense. There is so much not right in your post, I don't know where to begin. Please leave.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2018 00:53

Very worrying behaviour. I would tell him not to accompany you on anymore while she's here.

It must be so awkward for your friend and embarrassing for you.

Terfinater · 04/03/2018 00:54

It's abuse, not jealousy. Tell him to get the fuck out.

oppsthereshegoes · 04/03/2018 00:56

Honestly if dh drove my kids dangerously gay would be it. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. Let alone like him.

oppsthereshegoes · 04/03/2018 00:56

That not gay!

Ruffian · 04/03/2018 01:09

Behaviour like that can't be explained as feeling 'insecure' - he sounds psychopathic. He's clearly trying to make it so horrible for you that you never dare to invite anyone again.

What does your friend think? It must be very disturbing to her as well. Can you get out with her somewhere and discuss it? If I were her I'd tell you to get right away from this man before he becomes even more dangerous.

Shoxfordian · 04/03/2018 01:30

He's a knob
#boybye

BrendasUmbrella · 04/03/2018 01:40

First and foremost, do NOT get in a car with him anymore. I'd be wary to even let him in the passenger seat, he could grab the wheel. Public transport would be better, if he's with you or if he isn't. Don't let him take risks with your DCs lives.

How about speaking to your friend privately and asking if you can stay with her for a while? And also, if he escalates this any further and makes you or the DCs feel unsafe, call the police. Don't feel like you shouldn't.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 04/03/2018 09:37

My first ever mumsnet LTB. Get yourself, your children and your friend and her children as far away from this dangerous man as fast as you can before he ends up killing one of all of you. Because that's where this behaviour is going.

somuchsnow · 04/03/2018 09:55

My first LTB as well. He sounds hideously controlling to a suffocating level you must walk of egg shells constantly. There is no justification for his behaviour which I think would be acceptable.

magoria · 04/03/2018 09:59

This must be horrible for your friend and her DC.

If I were you friend I would never be bringing my child back around this hostile, dangerous man.

If you wouldn't meet up alone he would have won and you would have lost a friend.

I would not subject my DC nor myself to such a vile, abusive man.

thiswas · 04/03/2018 11:10

You need to draw lines and explain where they are and why they are there.

No you do not go into a car when the driver is angry and deliberately taking risks. It is not ok to put other people's lives on the line.

His behaviour is unacceptable. You don't change yours for someone who is unwilling to dialogue. You do what you want to do and give him a time and place for him to make his case. "I sense there is something wrong, when everyone is gone and in bed we can talk about it. In the meantime I've got things to do".

He's trying to bully you.

Mix56 · 04/03/2018 13:48

This manipulative & controlling

Emotional abuse is now a crime, & this is one of the symptoms. trying to ostracise you from friends (& support) it is not simply childish attention seeking, it is deliberate to suck the pleasure out of your friend's visit, so that it doesn't happen again.
he wants you in a box

BSintolerant · 04/03/2018 14:09

He certainly does want you in a box: one that's six feet under. Please take professional advice to get away from this dangerous abusive man.

Look back with a cold, critical eye. What else has he done that has made you feel uncomfortable or scared? Has he minimised what you've said if you've dared to confront him?

Please get yourself, your children, and animals (if you have any) to safety and never let him near you again.

HobnobBob · 04/03/2018 15:03

He’s trying to isolate you from your friends. I bet he’s hoping you won’t see her again. He sounds like an absolute twat.

SomeKnobend · 04/03/2018 15:11

How much longer is your friend staying. If I was her I'd have already left, how horrible for everyone. Mind you, if I was you I'd have ltb as well. Nobody needs to live like this. Treating you like crap because he wants you to treat him like a guest in his own home, fetching tea and towels for him, and if you don't it's disrespect? And acting out by dangerous driving? Honestly op, how have you any respect or affection for such an abusive fucking plank?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/03/2018 15:14

The sad and scary thing is that you are already excusing his behaviour, the poor man being so insecure Hmm

NotASingleFuckToGive · 04/03/2018 15:54

The worst bit is that everywhere we go he is insisting on driving and he is deliberately driving dangerously while we are all in the car (DC too.) I’m convinced he wants to scare us or intimidate us. He has been breaking the speed limit (in the snow) sliding up and down the roads, going off road and onto the pavement, trespassing. The more I have asked him not to, the worse he has been and the more he has done it.

Wow. You've acknowledged that he is driving dangerously on purpose, risking you, your DC and any innocent people on the roads he encounters- how fucking dare he?! That is terrifying.

Just to inform you if you weren't aware, that since you know he's doing this, if you continue to put your DC at risk by travelling with him, if-God forbid- a tragedy occurred, then you would be legally responsible for any injury or death caused too.

His behaviour is not jealousy OP, it is manipulation and life risking behaviour. Don't be complicit in that! Protect your DC and leave, or at least don't keep standing by and travelling with him while he purposefully risks their safety and lives.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 06/03/2018 22:47

I can't stop thinking about this. Are you ok op?

ChickenMom · 07/03/2018 03:30

Wow..just wow! His behaviour is absolutely inexcusable. Your poor friend. Don’t include him on outings. Don’t let him drive. Don’t stay with him! He’s awful. What are you doing? You know this isn’t right!!

merville · 07/03/2018 07:02

Something tells me behaviour like this didn't come out of nowhere. Perhaps you've been in a 'boiled frog' situation for quite a while, perhaps the entire relationship.

People like this rarely change - read Lundy Bancroft's 'why does he do that', consider doing the freedom programme, and to use the famous mumsnet phrase, get your ducks in a row to leave.

All v scary I know but .. It sounds bad enough. Good preparation and lots of support would be important here to leave safely as he sounds potentially dangerous and totally unreasonable/controlling.

Angelf1sh · 07/03/2018 07:09

WWID? Divorce him.

Thebluedog · 07/03/2018 07:48

He’s not insecure, he’s emotionally abusive.

He’s trying to alienate you from your friend, and chances are she won’t come back to stay as a result of his behaviour, so he will have what he wanted.

What is he like when you go out without him to see friends?

I bet the minute she goes home he’ll go on full blown charm offensive with you and deny anything happened.

AnaWinter · 07/03/2018 07:52

This is shocking op. How dare he? My blood is boiling for you. I have never heard of anything so blatant in my life.