Boyfriend still lives with ex

[radmum81]

Hi

Need some advice. Been dating boyfriend for 9months now and very happy together except for a couple of things. He still lives with his ex wife as says he can't afford to private rent. They owned their house together and she has bought him out so he pays her rent money. I have two kids both know about my relationship and both like him. Bf and his ex have a 15 year old child. Child knows parents have split up. But Boyfriend hasn't told their child he is in a relationship with me. His child and my child do a team activity together and boyfriend is the coach. This makes it extremely difficult for my child having to treat boyfriend differently at the activity to prevent his child from guessing about the relationship.

I really do love bf and can see a happy future for us together. We have spoke about him moving in eventually but until he tells his child about us this is looking unlikely. Not sure how to proceed for the best. Bf is amazing and so loving but the situation tired me out especially as he won't sleep over at my house (says he doesn't want to rub ex's face in it - and obviously doesn't want child to know). Help! If I try an talk to him about telling his child he says I'm pushing him into it etc etc

Yeah, where your dc is having to lie is where it breaks down for me - that's totally unacceptable. I'd tell him it has to stop, he needs to shit or get off the pot and follow through. no way would I expect my kid to be keeping this secret.

Wake up woman!! They haven't split up!

Thanks that's what I think too. I know they have definatley split up as me and him go out and about and he doesn't mind us being seen together etc. I also know his ex (who's actually really pleasant) so I do know they've split.

Our relationship is common knowledge and he's always said if his child finds out from other sources then that's cool and he will just explain there and then how things are.... he's just not ready (not got the balls...) to tell child himself

So why doesn't he want to tell a 15 year old?? And not sleep over at yours just incase it upset his ex? All sounds very messy either way.

I don't think they've broken up and this is why his DC isn't allowed to know about you. It all sounds like a lie as shit as it is OP.
Your DS is having to behave differently to keep your relationship a secret. You're putting your boyfriend's child before your own.
He won't stay over because he still shares a bed every night with his partner.

It is very messy. His wife knows about me and we talk when we see each other so it's all amicable, he just doesn't seem in any rush to tell kid. Sex is amazing (best sex I've ever had) and we get along amazingly well. It's just this one issue that is the problem

Now I'm not judging because I moved in the 'wrong' order myself once but from now on I won't introduce a man to my kids if his kids don't even know I exist. I did it once last year and even though he wasn't a bad guy, for him it was like stepping in to a family, like role play. He was sharing a house with his xw too but they weren't there at the same time. I regret that we weren't on the same page with telling our kids as I do realise now that that mis-step is a telling point. As others have identified up thread.

This is not going to end well. Why would you want to be with someone who lives with the mother of their children and won’t yell their child about you?

I've spoken to his ex before and she knows about us, gives me stuff for my kids that no longer fit hers etc etc I don't think they are together but find it very hard to know what to do.

Thanks guys just confirmed what I thought

Why would she still be jealous if he stays over yours then if your on talkig terms?

I don't think it's that she would be jealous think he just feels it would rub her face in a bit, he has stayed once and we've been away on short breaks together. Going to USA in couple months

It seems to me that he and his wife have an open relationship, as long as he doesn’t stay over with you.
It’s really wrong that your son has to lie

I really do love bf and can see a happy future for us together

He doesn't. Otherwise he wouldn't be living with his ex wife!

His kid is going to be super pissed off that everyone else knows and it's been kept secret from them.

And your kid has every right to be super pissed off that you are letting this go on.

Open relationship popped into my mind aswell. How long had they been broken up before he met you?

I'd dial back a bit radmum. Tell him that it's not fair to your DC to invite him so readily in to their home when his child doesn't know you exist. Realistically he could pull the plug any second at no cost to his relationship with his child. Your dignity is at stake. I know my children didn't judge me harshly when I was in this situation and it ended but he didnt 'blot' his copy book in his children's eyes and I feel that I did do that. I have taken nearly a year off dating as a result of it. Needed my kids to forget about him. He probably dated within a week, which is fine, but again, I wouldn't be surprised if he did the same thing again, told a new date that she couldn't go to his house as he lived with his parents/children. It was always the woman's risk with him. I saw only the positive before we split up of course. I saw that he was he being a good Dad to his own children which does count for something. But in the future a man I have a relationship with would have to work with me protecting my children in an equal way, or, to be realistic, admit to his children that he was in a relationship. I've met several men along the way who've dated for Europe and got at least a silver but their children know nothing. NOTHING. Then within six weeks of dating you and eating out (going dutch) they want to come to my house! I feel very stupid that this has happened to me twice. Sorry for venting!

PS, and just to be clear, man 2 that did this to me (in the space of 5 years, so it's not like I made the same mistake six weeks later) he did just pull the plug. The moment he want to bail, he could, he did, he was gone. Poof!

I was over it in 72 hours because unlike in your case, the sex was dismal. But it doesn't change the fact that my children were the ones who saw their mother dumped. They also saw me bounce back in a couple of hours mind you so it doesn't matter perhaps, but that's not the point.

I do feel a bit like my kids aren't being protected from it all but his is. He knew his ex wife for a very long time (grew up together) and were friends before they married. Their marriage was dead in the water a year before he met me. His ex says she will always be his friend and stick up for him with gossipy people etc. She is actually a genuinely nice woman.... sometimes wish my bloody ex was that nice 🤣

Ok conversations need to be had then, my minds made up

I really do love bf and can see a happy future for us together.

Really? Can you?

It's just this one issue that is the problem.

And it's as big an issue as you can get. It is the death knell of your relationship, OP, very sadly. I just can't see how this will end up happily for you.

It raises the question: If not now, when?

Yeah I know it is Vanguard. God why can't relationships be simple

She is not his ex. You are a bit on the side as far as she is concerned. Ask him to leave you alone until he is in a position to date guilt free.

All the other points aside that PP's have pointed out, he's paying he rent anyway but is saying he won't private rent??
What's the difference??
It's not like he's living rent free at hers and is unemployed so can't afford any rent at the moment, he clearly can, it's been 9 months in which time he could have more than enough deposit together - Why is he paying her rent when he could have moved out by now??

Sorry OP it just doesn't seem right to me.

She's absolutely his ex I know 100% that she is. He spent Xmas day with me and I just know for detonate they are separated - she has moved on and seeing other people. I just know. That's not really a concern as I know they've split. It's more the living arrangements and the kid thing