Boyfriend still lives with ex

[radmum81]

Hi

Need some advice. Been dating boyfriend for 9months now and very happy together except for a couple of things. He still lives with his ex wife as says he can't afford to private rent. They owned their house together and she has bought him out so he pays her rent money. I have two kids both know about my relationship and both like him. Bf and his ex have a 15 year old child. Child knows parents have split up. But Boyfriend hasn't told their child he is in a relationship with me. His child and my child do a team activity together and boyfriend is the coach. This makes it extremely difficult for my child having to treat boyfriend differently at the activity to prevent his child from guessing about the relationship.

I really do love bf and can see a happy future for us together. We have spoke about him moving in eventually but until he tells his child about us this is looking unlikely. Not sure how to proceed for the best. Bf is amazing and so loving but the situation tired me out especially as he won't sleep over at my house (says he doesn't want to rub ex's face in it - and obviously doesn't want child to know). Help! If I try an talk to him about telling his child he says I'm pushing him into it etc etc

Yeah good point about rent Matilda. Think he pays her 300quid a month rent and buys own food etc. Private rent would be about 600 a month plus bills.sale of the house has only just gone through last month

Why are people saying he's still with his wife. I think he is having his cake and eat it, the security of living in the family home with his child and the exciting times with you. He needs to make a choice.

Userxx yes this is how it feels. I know the wife isn't the issue. I think he's lazy and very chilled out and just never seems in a rush - to do anything! He lives his life in a laid back way 🤣 I have told him it feels like he's having his cake and eating it and he says it's extremely difficult still living there and I know he spends as little time as possible there ie always out at work or with me or his siblings

I believe that they've split! Sounds like the man I dated last year. They were finished in that way but were still family, to quote Peggy Mitchell! His wife wasn't competition as such but he had a woman to talk to and he did talk to her. He didn't need a girlfriend for social or emotional reasons.

This would drive me mad OP and would be a deal breaker for me.
How can be possibly totally be moved on if they are still living together?
Can he afford the extra 400 a month to live on his own?
Can you tell him you'll be taking a break from all of this until he has his shit together?

The point I'm trying to make is that he can be telling the truth about having officially split from his wife but he still has a home, a family (unconsciously coupled though they are). He still presents himself as a father in that family unit and no more to his daughter, which is nice for his daughter of course but it's at the expense of your kids. And I say ''expense'' only in that he can reverse if he wants to. Maybe he won't but he can. If he wants to.

I wouldn't put his child through him leaving their home to move in to mine, not with having a child the same age. How shit would his son feel then?

Also don't know if it makes a difference but they did split a couple of times previously when child was much younger. So bloody difficult. Ok going to have to talk to him this week sort it all out as can't go on like this. Thanks everyone for advice

So he's happy to spend Christmas Day with you, and not with his DC,but can't tell him that he has a new GF? Who does The DS think his father spent Christmas Day with that was more important than him (the son)?

Does the DS know his parents aren't a couple any longer?

Child knows parents aren't a couple. The ex is taking child away on ho just them two and at Xmas they went to her family for Xmas. I have a sneaking suspicion that the child does actually know.... maybe his ex has given child the heads up. But regardless he needs to be told for definite

Please say they have separate bedrooms.

Hi OP
If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't and this feel very far from right.
I feel a bit sorry for your dc being stuck in the middle of this,you need to end this and concentrate on them for a while.
I very much appreciate these answers are not what you hoped for but tbh,in your gut,you must suspect that he is having a whale of a time with no intention of moving away from his home comforts,his dc when he can have that AND you.
Hold your chin up and walk away with dignity.

Yep separate bedrooms

Sorry but there is no reason for him to live there. They are still together, but you're his bit on the side she is aware about. Maybe they agreed to an open relationship? If the kid knows they've split up, then they would be OK or at least be aware that either parent is likely to move on. No reason to not tell them.

I have a friend whose boyfriend still lives with his wife, and has for 3 years if not longer. He won't get a divorce yet or move out as it will annoy her and she'll ruin him. Sound familiar? He has no intention if ever leaving his wife, he just wants an extra.

Having done a fair bit of internet dating, I find ''couple splits up but can't afford to run two households yet'' script more plausible than ''open relationship'' script. I have never met a woman who gave her h her blessing to have other relationships but I have met people who can't afford to move out (yet)

Er yeah I'd say he's lying to you. I dated a guy like that once, identical situation. Lots of reasons, financial and child related why he could n't move out " right now". It felt weird, so I ended it. Five years later he's still fucking there. They were always a couple. There are people in my hometown who think I was deliberately the OW. Don't be a fucking mug.

so... why is it okay for your Children to know the situation... but his Child is not

Are they divorced?

Nah.

Not worth it.

I'd have been out of there as soon as I knew he hadn't moved out.

Don't care if the reasons are valid, it's not worth the hassle.

Logistical question... if he can't stay over at yours and I assume you can't stay at his... where/when are you having this best sex ever?

totally missing point of thread....

I'm guessing during lunchtimes when kids at school or otherwise out of house. Going on past experience.

The whole thing sounds rather incestuous and tiresome. Leave him and find someone else that doesn't come with this many issues.

How did they break up? Did she break it off? I would be concerned that he’s still hoping to get back with her and have a normal family again, especially if this has happened numerous times as you suggest. The kid is probably hoping for the same thing which is why his dad doesn’t want to tell him. I think it would explain why she’s so nice to you if she’s hoping he’ll move on (and out), but he may well be at home every night downplaying your relationship - “yeah she is nice but she’s just not you. I’m trying” etc.

I agree with others that it’s too much to put your kid through. Either you’re together or you’re not. If you’re together you tell people. It’s not like his 15yo DS is going to be confused like a 4 year old would be.

If the two of you are so open about your relationship, I bet his son does know from other sources. The poor kid.

Hmm
So you say she sees other people but he doesnt want to rub your relationship in her face....
Have you ever actually been introduced to his wife as his girlfriend.....
Do you have any thoughts on the example youve just given your ds on relationships and friendships i.e its okay to be a mans secret and lie to everyone else about it.