Boyfriend still lives with ex

[radmum81]

Hi

Need some advice. Been dating boyfriend for 9months now and very happy together except for a couple of things. He still lives with his ex wife as says he can't afford to private rent. They owned their house together and she has bought him out so he pays her rent money. I have two kids both know about my relationship and both like him. Bf and his ex have a 15 year old child. Child knows parents have split up. But Boyfriend hasn't told their child he is in a relationship with me. His child and my child do a team activity together and boyfriend is the coach. This makes it extremely difficult for my child having to treat boyfriend differently at the activity to prevent his child from guessing about the relationship.

I really do love bf and can see a happy future for us together. We have spoke about him moving in eventually but until he tells his child about us this is looking unlikely. Not sure how to proceed for the best. Bf is amazing and so loving but the situation tired me out especially as he won't sleep over at my house (says he doesn't want to rub ex's face in it - and obviously doesn't want child to know). Help! If I try an talk to him about telling his child he says I'm pushing him into it etc etc

Just another thought on this... does anyone else think it must be quite a head fuck for a kid to allegedly know his parents have split up and yet keep up every pretence of a happy family?

Sorry posted too soon. I think there's a lot to be said for keeping a stable family situation for a kid in this position and obviously an amicable break up is good and he's still seeing plenty of both parents. But I still think its a confusing set up.

Sorry I don't seem to be very eloquent this morning!

In 9 months he has only stayed over once? Does that mean he comes over has sex gets up and goes home? Its fine in his eyes for your dc to know about the relationship but just be hidden from his? Really think about that and what it says about how he views you.

Leave!!

I was thinking that financially , socially and to an extent emotionally she is not his ex, whether they sleep together or have other partners or not. Until they are living independent lives he is not free to have a proper relationship with you or anyone eise.

Literally, he's just not that into you.

Please sack this relationship off now. The guy sounds like a dodger and your child doesn't need this crap in its life.

You’re his grubby little secret. What I mean by that is that he comes over, has sex, goes home again, his child doesn’t know and he has no intention of telling them.

And I’ll bet money that the people who see you out together have been told something different as well so his child doesn’t find out from other sources, hence why he’s so comfortable saying that.

And this is a fifteen year old not a baby. I have a fifteen year old. If I were dating but not yet wanting to introduce said man to my kids I would be perfectly comfortable telling my fifteen year old that I was dating someone but that I wasn’t sure about him becoming a huge part of our lives yet hence why no introductions so far. And he would get that because he’s fifteen and not stupid - children of that age very likely know that their parents are dating even if they’re not getting into heavy relationships etc.

So the whole idea of keeping everything a secret says a lot to me and none of it positive.

FWIW with teenagers in the mix I wouldn’t be looking to move a new man in etc, but there’s absolutely no reason why a teenager can’t at the very least know about his parent’s partner

The thing is even if he is telling the truth re his ex he’s not in a position to be in a new relationship.

Exh and I lived separately in the same home for two years but neither of us would have tried to pursue another relationship during that time as it would have been too complicated and not fair on the other nor the dc for that matter. If either of us had met someone we would have moved out.

I really despair with people like you op. You are so so easy for a man wjo wants thr best of both world's. There's just so much wrong in this situation. The main question you need to ask yourself is why have you gone along with this farce for 9 months.

He’d rather his child find out about his new relationship from the oh so caring grapevine, rather than talk to his child. “Just this one problem” you say, unfortunately this ‘just one problem’ says an awful lot about his character and will be part of a pattern of thinking and behaviour that won’t be restricted to just this. His spinelessness has dragged you and your child into his lie. His child might be accustomed to his spineless Dad (he has no choice) but he might be less forgiving and reluctant about forging a relationship with the new woman who colluded with the spineless Dad.

Hmm, I wonder what other circumstancess he’s prepared to keep up a pretence in order to protect himself at the expense of someone else’s feelings.

I suspect this ‘man’ is waiting to be invited —biding his time— to live with you, to avoid the inconvenience of being responsible for himself.

I think he's using his child not knowing as a pathetic excuse to keep you dangling.

He spent Xmas day with me

So where does his child think he was? And if his son's is so important to him, why the hell didn't he spend Christmas day with HIM?

Sorry but there is something seriously off here. And why can't he afford to pay going rate of rent like the rest of us? If he won't stay over at your's for fear of rubbing his wife's face in it, he's not going to move in with you!

Sorry but he is massively underinvested in the relationship with you and still totally over invested in his relationship with his ex.

He's also a coward.

I would think seriously about disengaging before getting involved any deeper with him, something is seriously off.

They are still in some kind of relationship; if he stayed over at yours then I'd not think that but the fact he can't stay the night for fear of upsetting his ex says it all, I'd have ended this face of a relationship the minute he said that to me; are you daft, he's treating you like shit; basically you are just there for fun times but he's happy for the world to know his feet are firmly under the wife's table, Jesus, have some self respect and tell him to do one, he's making a complete fool of you.

And what you are both doing to those kids is disgusting, that poor girl not knowing the two of you are doing stuff behind her back, that's lovely, you both sound really immature.