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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New Police Officers wife

69 replies

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:26

Hi everyone

I wondered if anyone on here is a Police Officers wife/partner etc.?
My partner has been a police officer for a year now, I gave birth one month in to his 6 month training (where he lived away from home all the training) last April and we also have a 2.5 year old son.
First of all I am very proud of him for achieving his dream of being an officer but I didn't realise how hard it would be for our home life.
I am basically bringing up our children on my own, I also work 3/4 days a week and because of his shift pattern I very rarely see him.
I'm really struggling mentally and have my first counselling session next week.
I moved to his town to be with him and have no family here and I struggle to make friends because of my anxiety issues.
If anyone can give me any advice or guidance I'd be so very grateful.

This life is very lonely and me and my baby boys miss their daddy. I've tried speaking to him about it and he becomes very defensive, he's very moody with me and snaps at me a lot. Always complaining he's tired, which I understand as I'm exhausted!! When we do have an odd hour together he sits watching tv in silence, then he gets messages from his colleagues and he's laughing and smiling at his phone, but when I try and have a bit of banter he's not responsive to me.

How do I fix this?

OP posts:

OuchBollocks · 02/03/2018 20:32

You really can't fix this. Its down to him entirely. What's his shift pattern?

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 20:37

I’m afraid I have no advice but I can offer a handhold. My husband was in the police for over 10 years but left last summer when my daughter was 4. I totally relate to everything you’ve said - it is SO hard! I often wondered whether it would’ve been easier to be a single parent than having a partner that was never there. I also had a tough time mentally and although his career wasn’t the cause of it, it definitely contributed.

The one thing I can say is, try not to take his quietness or nodding as to heart. I often found that it was because my DH was stressed and tired and finding it difficult to deal with when he was like that. That side of things got easier the longer he had been doing the job. I must admit I had a policy of no job at home due to the very limited amount of time he was at home. Of course I didn’t mind talking about his shift but I asked that he left his work phone at work or switched it off.

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 20:38

Not sure where ‘nodding’ came from, I meant moodiness!!

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:40

@OuchBollocks it's different every week with a mix of earlies, lates and nights.

OP posts:

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/03/2018 20:42

Hi bexxr. I'm married to a police officer but I'm also a police officer so maybe have a different perspective.
We met at work and we were on the same team until we had been married for a year.
Police officers are quite odd people I feel. We see things and experience things that a lot of people would actively avoid. There's a lot of banter and dark humour (I think as a way of dealing with things sometimes) and a lot of the officers I know have relationships inside the job.
I'm currently on my second mat leave and I'll be working 'office hours' whilst my DH works 12 hour day and night shifts. We understand the job but even we find it tough and feel isolated sometimes. Add in the stress of two young children and it becomes overwhelming sometimes.

What does your DH say when you speak to him? What does he think about you having counselling? Do you have any time alone together?

Dinosaurdiva · 02/03/2018 20:44

It's tough!! My dh has been in the police 11 years now but joined before we had kids. I do feel at times that he is missing out on so much. And yes at times I do think it would be easier to be single and not having to plan our lives around him all the time, or having to do all the work he creates but is never there to do himself. Other times it's great as he gets to pick the kids up and drop off at school a few times a week which many 9-5 parents don't get to do.
Dh doesn't really talk about work at home but also doesn't spend time on his phone to work mates etc which would be frustrating. He is very much involved when he is here. Maybe it's just the newness he is finding exciting and I'm pretty sure it will all be very boring soon!

Gendarme · 02/03/2018 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:45

@PinkyBlunder
Thank you for your reply. I have often thought it would be easier being on my own as a single mum too... at the minute there is no relationship, when he's not at work in the evenings he's out at the gym 3 nights a week or like tonight he's out for a pint. This is every single week.
I would love to join a local netball club but I can't because I always have the boys. I feel like I'm disappearing as a person.

OP posts:

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:49

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend
Thank you for your reply & congratulations on your new baby.

I understand the things he has to deal with are absolutely awful as when I have talked to him about it he is very open about what he's done/seen and I'm always very supportive of him, as any partner would be. I just need that emotional support back xx

OP posts:

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/03/2018 20:50

Having just seen your update, the problem isn't the police it's most definitely you husband. He has a family now, he can't just run off to the gym when he feels like it and leave you to do the grunt work

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:51

@Dinosaurdiva

Thank you! It is SO SO HARD! It's so much harder than I thought it would be!!
It sounds absolutely awful but this isn't the life I wanted... I wanted my babies daddy to be at home, I didn't want to be so lonely and be doing 90% of the parenting myself. Does that make me utterly selfish?

OP posts:

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:54

@Snoopysimaginaryfriend

When ever I speak about the gym thing etc he says he needs it to unwind.. it's a mental release from the job etc... I'm fighting a losing battle with that one it's been going on so long now

OP posts:

Dinosaurdiva · 02/03/2018 20:57

My dh is often at the gym when he could be home too. Yes lonely is definitely the word I would use!! Can't even go out myself because of the dd's. I can see it must be frustrating when it wasn't what you chose when you met him!!
I think he does sound quite detached though. Does he ask about your day etc

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 20:58

I'm married to a police officer but I'm also a police officer
I often wondered if that was the only way you could make a relationship with a police officer work snoopy! Probably not true though.

I remember many a heated and frank conversation with DH when he first started (and at various points since!) about how we were going to manage to compromise to accommodate his job. You might need to do that too I’m afraid OP. It does mean a lot of sacrifices and things like the gym and going to the pub are usually the first to go. It’s almost impossible to lead a normal work-life balance. If he’s not even been on shift a year yet he’s probably not quite realised that yet and might need your help with that!

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 21:00

And that was me being kind to him there btw. I actually think he’s out of order for expecting your support and then buggering off to the gym/pub every week

Original poster

bexxr · 02/03/2018 21:02

Thank you for your replies... I think this is just my life now and I'm going to have to get used to doing a lot of things on my own with my boys.
I do feel like they are missing out on a lot of daddy time though and that upsets me too.
I'm probably over emotional as I'm so tired tonight.

OP posts:

Failingat40 · 02/03/2018 21:03

There is statistics which show the police are the profession with one of the highest divorce rates in the uk.

The joining and being away on residential training opens up a whole new perspective on life and the bonds that can form during this intense time are strong. Shift work and working closely with a team you see more of than your own family can tear couples apart.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do. Try getting him to see things from your point of view, but personally I wouldn't waste my life unhappy and lonely away from my own friends and family for his choice.

Things aren't likely to get any better. Sorry

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 21:06

You are right in the fact that you will have to get used to doing a lot on your own but there are things he can do to make things easier and fairer on you. You definitely need to talk to him and tell him just how unhappy you are. He needs to help you to rectify that regardless of his working hours.

And nothing has to be forever, you have control over your own life and you can change things for yourself if you really feel you want to.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/03/2018 21:07

Haha pinkyblunder I have seen some spectacular breakups between officers haha

Mental release my arse. My DH loved the gym. He was a personal trainer before he joined and he would go everyday before his shift started. But we have two children now. His priorities have rightly changed.

One of our favourite things to do now is put the girls to bed, my mum watches them and we go out to the park with a torch to walk the dog. He rambles on about how crap his job is, I complain about my flabby belly. We get some fresh air and exercise and spend some time together. Not very exciting but we enjoy it.

I'm not saying your DH can never go out but he can't go out four times a week at the expense of your mental health.

SnowedOut · 02/03/2018 21:11

It’s very difficult, I’m in the job and my hubby used to be, he left two years ago.
I’d regularly work over, working long shifts, here the shift pattern was pretty dire as well. There were times in our relationship despite both being in the police we worked totally opposite shifts so never saw each other, we had no dad off together for a number of years, and would only see each other in the evenings here and there or for an odd hour or two.
What got us through was that we knew it wouldn’t be forever, and it wasn’t.
I can see an element of where your hubby falls down, he probably wants time to destress following a long day - maybe doesn’t realise its at the detriment of his family.

I remember when I first joined work was everything, I had a strong bond with my colleagues... group texts / messages etc. The novelty wore off after a while and i had enough of spending all day / night with them and then speaking to them outside of work too 🙈😂

I’ve been in a good few years now and missed out on birthdays / Christmas’s, friendships have drifted because of rubbish shifts and never being avaliable, it takes work though which your hubby has to realise. It does get better though!

PinkyBlunder · 02/03/2018 21:18

I can believe it Snoopy. I do miss hearing the gossip

shedalight · 02/03/2018 21:21

Another one who thinks you have a DH problem, not a police problem.
Lots of people have stressful, all encompassing careers. But he is now a parent, not a single man. He therefore needs to make a choice. He either steps up to the plate and takes on his parenting responsibilities alongside his job ( which is what men and women with careers and children have to do). Or he decides that his need for the gym and a pint and his own relaxation time are more important than being a parent.

And that leaves you with a decision to make. Do you want to be a single parent and make your own decisions (and not have to pander to him on the odd occasion he decides to get involved in family life) or do you prefer to carry on trying to create a 'family' life with a partner who has checked out of the family?
I don't mean to sound harsh but maybe standing back a bit? It's what he does not what he says that matters.
Wishing you well.

CaMePlaitPas · 02/03/2018 21:28

You're going to have to be brave and say to him that you're considering getting a babysitter in to help give you a break. The gym 3 nights a week and then out on a Friday isn't a problem if you have a life outside the home too - it's about give and take, and tough shit if he gets aggy with you when you try to talk to him, say what you need to say and do what you need to do. Please look after yourself too OP, your LOs need a Mummy who is healthy and happy x

BirdyBedtime · 02/03/2018 21:32

DH is on the job and has been since I've known him. I often feel like a single parent and it is hard. But there are advantages too. He can take the DCs to and pick them up from childcare (and then school) on days off. He needs to rethink his timetable - he can go to the gym during the day on days off etc. I'd go ballistic if DH even suggested going in the evening as that's my time to do my stuff . But as I said it is hard and there is no getting away from that. DH gets annoyed when the DCs favour me but when he's at work 3 or 4 bedtimes in a row It's understandable.

Paperdoll16 · 02/03/2018 22:27

It's not the job. It's him.

He's completely disconnected himself to his family life and marriage.

He spends the time he has at home laughing and smiling at his phone and mostly annoyed with you.
At the gym several evenings a week (his job allows him that free time yet you continue to struggle 24/7)
And he's at the pub tonight.

Hmm

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