New Police Officers wife

[bexxr]

Hi everyone

I wondered if anyone on here is a Police Officers wife/partner etc.?
My partner has been a police officer for a year now, I gave birth one month in to his 6 month training (where he lived away from home all the training) last April and we also have a 2.5 year old son.
First of all I am very proud of him for achieving his dream of being an officer but I didn't realise how hard it would be for our home life.
I am basically bringing up our children on my own, I also work 3/4 days a week and because of his shift pattern I very rarely see him.
I'm really struggling mentally and have my first counselling session next week.
I moved to his town to be with him and have no family here and I struggle to make friends because of my anxiety issues.
If anyone can give me any advice or guidance I'd be so very grateful.

This life is very lonely and me and my baby boys miss their daddy. I've tried speaking to him about it and he becomes very defensive, he's very moody with me and snaps at me a lot. Always complaining he's tired, which I understand as I'm exhausted!! When we do have an odd hour together he sits watching tv in silence, then he gets messages from his colleagues and he's laughing and smiling at his phone, but when I try and have a bit of banter he's not responsive to me.

How do I fix this?

Have you considered going back to work and using childcare, OP? It sounds like you are becoming invisible to him, and are going to have to look out for yourself here. A partnership with a SAHM depends on the earner respecting the work the homemaker is doing, which doesn't shine out at me here.

Here’s what you need to do:

Move yourself and your children somewhere you’re happy. Move close to family and friends.

The first thing abusers do is isolate their victims. You are now very isolated.

You are miserable and lonely and when you talk to him he ignores you???

I don’t care what his profession is, he’s an arsehole.

He puts the gym and drinking before his own children. Can you imagine choosing a beer over your babies?

Best case scenario is that you move away and you’re happier because some jerk doesn’t wander in and treat you like dirt daily, and maybe he realises he’s an arse and changes his ways and moves to you, supporting you in a happier life.

Chances are he won’t bother and you can bring your children up better by showing them what a loving parent actually is. Can you imagine the damage it does knowing your own dad chooses not to be with you ALL the time when he easily could? They don’t know yet but they will.

Nice men don’t treat their families like this.

Have you posted about him before?

Thanks for the messages...

I do work 3 days a week and the boys are in childcare, I get them ready, take them, go to work, pick them up, Bath them and bed etc... that's just work days.

I haven't posted about him before no, I only joined here yesterday x

Could you afford a babysitter for one night per week so you could go to netball?

@ChaChaChaCh4nges I can't, childcare costs are killing me at the minute x

You can’t afford a babysitter to go to netball once per week, but your H can afford gym membership and pints down the pub.

Just think about that for a moment. Really, really think about it.

Your mind might try to skitter away from the only conclusion you can possibly draw - that your H is a selfish cunt who puts his wants above your needs - put force yourself to think through all the ramifications. You need to understand just how unreasonable he’s being.

I’m another one who thinks you have a DH problem not a police problem. DP is in the police and works the shift pattern you describe. I work full time and we have one DC. It’s not ideal as we do have a lot of time apart - but he’s often able to pick DC up from school, which is great. When he works lates we sit down and eat together at half ten and chat about our days. He rarely goes out without me in the evening and we always make the most of the time we do have together. He has plenty of time for the gym and meeting friends on his days off when I’m at work. Your DH just sounds unpleasant.

Why on your 3 days working are you doing drop off and pick up? I am married to a police officer - I also work full time and am the higher earner. If anything the shifts mean that he has been able to be more involved in some ways although weekends in suck. On an early shift - he would do pick up/tea/bath/bed leaving me to work late. On a late other way round he would do get ready, dressed and drop off. Nights he still makes sure he get up around 4 to spend some time having tea etc before going to work. He isn't a selfish ass though. And most clubs will understand you can only do 3 weeks out of 4 due to shifts.

I'm married to a police officer. I don't recognise any of the issues you have. Your DH is selfish. My husband makes sure he is always home and available whenever he can be as he knows how hard it is for me as he's at work a lot. He'd rather be at home than at the gym or down the pub. He goes to the gym at times that don't impact the family life he does get (very early before his early shifts, in the middle of the night after a late shift, sometimes goes for a run after the kids are in bed).

Life is hard with one of you in the police but you both have to be flexible and it sounds like your husband isn't.

My DH was an officer until last year and things have turned around in our relationship thank goodness. It is hard, stupid hours, loneliness over bank holidays, I remember being in tears in the park over Easter with my first child as I was so lonely and fed up. I ended up visiting friends and family a lot over weekends and holidays and my husband had to get on with being home alone - I'm pleased he left
The police are a shit organisation to work for , they literally kill their staff with the hours, yet no support for them when things are going badly - you're always in the wrong until it's proven otherwise - my husband went through that a few times after 'customers' kicked up a fuss if they were slightly hurt when resisting arrest (nothing significant ... ) and my husband was treated so badly ... for months ... TIL they had time to investigate and found nothing wrong with what he did - he saved multiple
Lives with never a thank you
He got completely fed up with it, disillusioned and left

I'd suggest either he gets a non shift job or you make your own life outside of your husbands and enjoy friends and family for support

It's frustrating when people post, people give helpful replies and the OP just shrugs it off.

Let me give you some support. I moved to be with my DH too. He's not a police officer but I really didn't realise how hard it would be moving away.

You have a DH problem. He shouldn't be spending every minute away from you and then when he's home laughing at his phone. That is incredibly rude. What does he think of you, that you're his slave?

I'd go on a strike with him. If it's possible to move back to your support network, tell him you're considering going as there's no point hanging around when he can't even be bothered to speak with you. Honestly it will help you immensely too.

If you have no option to move back (even for a visit) then go on a strike with his clothes, food etc. Don't do anything for him, which I believe you probably do? Or does he wash his own gym and work clothes? He'll have to start talking then. Seems like he's looking down on you or has some other interest at work.

To have disengaged so completely from you and family life, makes me wonder if there might also be another woman. Are you sure it's just colleagues he's laughing with, not one specific colleague?

DP and I have been together for 4 years, he had been in the force 2 years and was a PCSO for some years before that.

He loved his job until he met me but now hates the shifts as they are so restrictive for us. He prioritises our relationship and our time together and never ignores me or sits on his phone when we're both at home.

I would have to agree with PP's and say it's your DH that is the problem, not the job. He still sees friends during the week and messages people, of course, but he chooses not to make other plans on the weekends he's off and will plan things for us to do together, this isn't anything to do with me insisting on it or being shitty if he chose to see friends, he just feels that this is time he would rather spend with me.

Sorry for the lack in replies I've been busy with the boys this morning.

Thank you for all your responses, I think I needed to hear what I'm already thinking and moving back to my friends and family. I didn't want another failed relationship (already divorced because he was a selfish prick, but we had no children together)

I think part of me is scared to go alone, and I'm so upset my life has turned out like this.
No Mum wants to feel lonely when they have a hubs that should be there for her and there children.

Again thank you for the suppprt x

OP, I think you’re going to feel much less lonely when you get away from this man. You have children who adore you and it sounds like you have friends and family who love you too. Organise the move and I think you’ll be much happier. I can’t even imagine just being ignored by my partner. It must feel awful.

I'm a police officer also married to a police officer so can understand some of the issues that you're discussing. The difference in our case is that we are both well into our careers and have been able to pursue posts that's are office hours enabling us to share childcare responsibilities. In the beginning though you're on a response team and are pretty much at the mercy of the shift patterns that you're given.I can remember coming down with tonsillitis after my first set of 7 nights because I was so unused to it. Although some officers work long 12 hour shifts the pay off is that they have more time at home. 8 hour shifts should give him time to do things with the family before or after work so I don't really understand that aspect of your post. He can surely drop the kids off when he's late turn and still have time to go to the gym for example. I would definitely expect him to manage some of his social activities at times when you are at work. I would also expect some freedoms to pursue some of my own activities like the net ball you talk about. Clearly he won't be at home for some of the weeks to cover child care but otherwise those evenings should be ring fenced for you. Weekends I'm afraid can be lonely and you just have to fill them as best you can with activities with friends and family.

I dont understand why your dh is spending less time with you. DH is a very long serving officer but in a specialist unit at the moment. When he used to be on shift and the children were small he had plenty of time with them.

Early shifts are just bog standard 'normal job' type commitment so I would write those days off. When the dc were school age this is the shift where both before and afterschool care would be needed. DH started too early and finished too late for childcare drop off so this would have been down to me on this shift.

Lates my DH would get up and about in the morning, take the dc to the park, swimming, do some shopping. Then after lunch he would head out to work. At school age he could look after the dc in the morning and do the school drop off. Then he could go to the gym if he wanted to. I would have to do the evenings.

On a night shift (my favourite because I get the bed to myself) DH would go to bed and get up around 2pm. He could take the dc to the park, shopping etc. He could put the dc to bed, cook dinner, loads of things. Once the dc were at school he could both drop off and pick up.

Then he gets his 3 or 4 days off which is when we used to go away for short breaks because its almost impossible to get any sort of leave

However I will say it is damn hard. People dont understand why you cannot commit to working/volunteering/going out the same days each week. They just dont get that the shifts dont fit that way so its very hard if you need flexibility in your life. Friends tend to stop inviting you round for a weekly chat on a Friday because you need to be home for your dc. Some people object about your DH job and will ignore you or cause issues for you. Eventually only other people in similar circumstances actually understand. But they tend not to mention it so its difficult to find people like that.

You need to decide if you are happy to continue living the way you do. My DH has been on his unit for around 9 years now. Sometimes he doesn't come home for days on end. Manchester arena attacks the other year, I barely saw him for 3 weeks. The olympics in London, I didnt see him for more than a month. When he gets home do you think he wants to sit and chat about Eastenders or soft furnishings? No, he needs a few days of unwinding, usually it involves mountainbiking or kayaking or something. I give him his space for those days.

I dont think your DH has been in the job long enough to have an efficient way of winding down. He is still being judged on his performance at work and his job is still very much on the line until he has passed his probation period. At home he has 2 very small children and a partner who doesnt yet understand how much being in the police messes with your head. Thats a lot of stress for him, but he is taking the piss a bit with going down the pub and gym 4 days.

Your dc will be fine, its normal to them for their dad to work this way. Its only you who will understand it is different to a lot of careers.

You need to decide if you can continue living this way. If not then put things into place to leave. Go and find a 9-5 man who you know will be home in the evenings and weekends. I can guarantee life wont change while he is in the Police you have to change to fit around it and not many people are willing to do that.

I am married to a police officer, and would echo what some others are saying. The job obviously has its stresses but it sounds like he’s blaming a certain amount of laziness on his part on the job.

We very much make the shifts work for us. On afternoons? He can take the kids out in the morning while I have a lie in, and then we swap the next day. He enjoys being able to take our DD (Reception age) to school probably about 1/3 of the time.
Sometimes he has a day off when I’m in work so will take the toddler to soft play.

Before DD started school this year, if we were both off in the week, (normally 2 days) we’d occasionally go for eg a camping trip or day trip and take advantage of off peak conditions.

Your DH is choosing to use that time for himself only - gym/sitting ignoring you etc and therein lies the problem.

We’d be gutted if he was put on days now.

I can also confirm from personal experience that being a P.O is NOT more tiring than looking after a newborn baby - in your case alone.

I agree with the others, this is your DP more than the job. DP also does shift work on the same pattern and while some days are tiring, generally it works well for us and is a big help with childcare. You do need to make an effort to spend time together when you often have four nights in a row with them not there, but that's about it. Sounds like your DP is checking out.

My Dh used to be a farmer. He had to be available 24 hours a day 365 days a year. He worked absolutely ridiculous hours and we had 2 small dds. He was very tired and immensely stressed. However he chose to spend what very little spare time he had with his family.

As many others have said it isn’t his job, it’s him. Please don’t put up with this, he needs to change significantly or you need to go back to your friends and family.

I feel for you OP.
There is nothing worse than being made to feel lonely and isolated by another person.
He is selfish and is behaving like a single man who happens to be married.
The fact that you are having to spend all YOUR money on childcare and he can spend HIS on social activities speaks volumes about the imbalance in your relationship.
You would actually be better off on your own given what you have written in your posts.
On top of that being away from family and friends with no support at all will wear you down very quickly until you are a shadow of your former self.
He doesn't want to spend time with his wife or his children, tired or not.
I think that you already that you have to make some big changes that are going to see at least some of your own importance needs met but the chances of your H understanding that are very slim indeed.

There is only so much energy you can waste trying to get your H to listen and if there is no compromise then you either put up with it or leave.

OP I think police forces are becoming more aware about the effect the job can have on personal relationships - I know shortly after I started we had training about hypervigilance and how it can affect our moods when off duty.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/thearmoredwife.wordpress.com/2016/04/03/hypervigilance-emotional-survival-for-law-enforcement-part-5-of-9/amp/

The above website explains it better than I can - have a read and see if it seems to apply to your husband (although I agree with others that it seems to be more of a DH problem than a job problem - I think the job may be exacerbating already underlying problems).

Can you get a babysitter so you can get a chance to have a break maybe.

Are you on maternity leave or a SAHM?

Do you have access to money?

In some ways his behaviour is similar to someone cheating. He seems to ignore You, gets defensive and snappy and gets more pleasure from his phone.

You can address this with him from the angle of being worried about losing the connection between you and fear of becoming distant and growing apart.

Don't do it as blaming him...but more concern about the marriage.

I'm not sure if he'll be receptive to that or not. If he shows irritation about you raising this...then I would be worried something else is going on with him.

Does he take asn interest in the kids? Do you have any quality family time? Days out?