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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New Police Officers wife

69 replies

bexxr · 02/03/2018 20:26

Hi everyone

I wondered if anyone on here is a Police Officers wife/partner etc.?
My partner has been a police officer for a year now, I gave birth one month in to his 6 month training (where he lived away from home all the training) last April and we also have a 2.5 year old son.
First of all I am very proud of him for achieving his dream of being an officer but I didn't realise how hard it would be for our home life.
I am basically bringing up our children on my own, I also work 3/4 days a week and because of his shift pattern I very rarely see him.
I'm really struggling mentally and have my first counselling session next week.
I moved to his town to be with him and have no family here and I struggle to make friends because of my anxiety issues.
If anyone can give me any advice or guidance I'd be so very grateful.

This life is very lonely and me and my baby boys miss their daddy. I've tried speaking to him about it and he becomes very defensive, he's very moody with me and snaps at me a lot. Always complaining he's tired, which I understand as I'm exhausted!! When we do have an odd hour together he sits watching tv in silence, then he gets messages from his colleagues and he's laughing and smiling at his phone, but when I try and have a bit of banter he's not responsive to me.

How do I fix this?

OP posts:

Achafi · 03/03/2018 19:39

I'm sorry things are so rough op. My dh and I are both police. It's really hard. Fortunately we've been in long enough not to be job pissed. We manage our lives through a strict calender system. All working hours go on and then every two weeks a day is blocked out for strict family time. Other than that it is equal so if he's on an early then it is presumed that he's free to do pick up, dinner and bed. If it's a late shift then he can have them in the morning. The same applies to me. If there is something to do out of the house then it goes on the calender. First come first served.
My dh hates doing anything away from our ds so it isn't a police officer thing it's your dh having his priorities wrong. Unfortunately most police are a bit job pissed for the first 5 or 6 years. Good luck and I hope you sort it out.

Bookvan · 04/03/2018 06:38

I'm also a police wife.
It's really difficult. Everything revolves around his shifts and sleep. I work full time too, or at least I try to. (Self employed so a bit of flexability) it's like he checks out of life when he's working, and I'm left to deal with everything. I've coped with it for 10 years but I'm struggling with it and things are coming to a head.

No real advice op, but I sympathise.

KJR84 · 20/03/2022 20:08

I know this is a long shot but not sure if you are still active on here as I would love to talk as I’m on the same boat

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2022 06:50

Have you managed to have the conversation op? It’s not the job, it’s the man. His priority is his work and him, yours is your family and you shouldn’t have to put up with him or he be able to pretend he’s in a relationship despite giving nothing to it. Go home to your support network.

FelicityPike · 21/03/2022 07:14

@timeisnotaline

Hopefully…OP posted in 2018

PinaColada123456 · 21/03/2022 07:54

@bexxr I think you need to tell it to him straight: our marriage is in trouble if we don't get marriage counselling, or you don't start making me - your wife and mother of your children - and your little boys who need you a priority. Give him a deadline for him to agree to marriage counselling or him to make improvements. Right now he is openly despising you and treating you as childcare, not as an equal, as his wife. It needs to change, and you need to issue an ultimatum with a deadline. If he fears he may lose you and the boys, that may shock him into action.

Freddy12 · 21/03/2022 07:55

Step son is in the Met
He seems to juggle his time well often getting blocks of time off
He is usually off at school holidays etc and is sometimes able to use a gym in work time
He clearly loves time with his family and is abe to get a decent amount as is a priority for him
I know another policeman and he is never home always working and if was really working would be earning a fortune who knows, seriously would not surprise me if he had another home or very expensive time consuming hobby

PinaColada123456 · 21/03/2022 07:55

@FelicityPike Damn! I was pulled in by a zombie thread. Why do people resurrect these threads? Are they trolling? Do they do this for fun?

layladomino · 21/03/2022 07:58

This isn't about his job. It's about the fact that he won't discuss your concerns, and chooses to go to the gym 3 nights a week and out to the pub rather than be at home with you more. He has time to chat with his friends and have a laugh with them, but is ignoring you.

That isn't down to his job. He could be choosing to have a chat and a laugh with you. He could be choosing to go to the gym less often, or the pub.

It is perfectly possible to have a demanding job and be a decent partner as well.

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2022 08:48

Oops zombie 😑😑

me4real · 21/03/2022 08:55

^when he's not at work in the evenings he's out at the gym 3 nights a week or like tonight he's out for a pint. This is every single week.
I would love to join a local netball club but I can't because I always have the boys. I feel like I'm disappearing as a person.^

His job is one thing @bexxr , but he's compounding the problem by being thoughtless towards you and not putting any time/effort into the relationship (or family life?)

Original poster

bexxr · 21/03/2022 09:25

OP here.

It didn’t get any better and we split in Jan 2020.

Things got worse and worse and I’m now so much happier. My 2 boys have the best life and we have the closest bond. It’s just me and my little men now. There’s no other man in my life and there won’t be for a long time. My time is spent making memories with my children xx

OP posts:

Original poster

bexxr · 21/03/2022 09:26

I’m still here lol

OP posts:

trackerby · 21/03/2022 09:35

So pleased for you OP, I'm mightily impressed by how you've coped.

ChippingWindMills · 21/03/2022 09:56

Good for you OP ! My experience was very similar and but I wouldn't change my life with my little one for anything !
Happy Single Parents Day wishing you all the best :)

YerAWizardHarry · 21/03/2022 10:26

My sons dad is a police officer. We aren’t together anymore (not just because of that but it was a factor). He’s married to a fellow police officer now. There’s a reason there are so many couples within the police…

Derelicthome · 21/03/2022 10:39

Thanks for coming back to update bexxr.
Although you are no longer together it definitely sounds like it’s for the best.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 11:07

That is the best outcome you could of got from it under the circumstances. It was very telling how childcare costs were killing 'you '. So he was leaving you to pay all the cost for his children. He wasn't in the marriage from the start if your finances were running separately. Hope you now find yourself better off financially now, he has to pay his dues now you've split, he was financially abusing you before.

Original poster

bexxr · 21/03/2022 13:24

Oh definitely better, he now pays child maintenance (which I had to argue with him until I was blue in the face for and eventually took him to CMS!)
But now I have my own life and I couldn’t give a shit what he is doing.

Turns out he was cheating, so I’m glad I got rid. Saw his true colours in the end.

OP posts:

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