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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's over and it's all my fault

57 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:00

Me and my fucking bastard anxiety

I've finally done for a 25 year relationship and I'm devastated. Numb and bereft.

Total meltdown today over a health related thing. Massive panic attack resulting in me literally cowering in the corner at Drs.

Dp has had enough. He can't cope - I don't know how we will manage financially although there is a shed load of equity in the house which neither of us can afford to keep so maybe that's something? A start?

We have a 12yr old dd who we both adore and I know she is going to be absolutely devastated. I don't even begin to know how to make this ok for her.

The house is piddly small so can't even live separately.

Fuck. We had it all . I blew it

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:07

Please. Is there anyone who can hold my hand tonight? Feel so alone

OP posts:
LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:08

I'm here, LEM.

KateGrey · 01/03/2018 21:10

Huge hugs. Are you seeking help? I’d talk to your husband. Tell him you love him and what help you’re going to seek. It’s very tiring being a carer. Two of my children have special needs so it’s not the same but it is very hard. And wearing. You need to make sure you move forward and get help from yourself and that your husband gets sometime for himself. Big hugs to you x

Arapaima · 01/03/2018 21:10

Hand holding Flowers

louisiana30 · 01/03/2018 21:11

Anxiety is bloody horrid.
Have you been suffering panic attack’s long?
DP is maybe just struggling with how to help you, and doesn’t know what else to do

BionicWoman58 · 01/03/2018 21:11

Hey. You're not alone.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 01/03/2018 21:11

I can't offer any useful advice, but I'm here.

Tell us more. Are you receiving help from your GP for your anxiety? Why does your partner say he can't cope? I don't want to sound harsh, but has he tried? Is he usually supportive?

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:12

Anxiety is an absolute bastarding thing. I daresay right now your DP is struggling to cope, too - but you both need a bit of a break tbh. By that I mean, sometimes just not thinking about it till the following day can get you through the night.

Was your GP any use at all?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 01/03/2018 21:16

I'm here. I suffer from anxiety and it causes problems in my marriage - I'm not sure that I have any useful advice but I sympathise so much.

Are you getting help? Do you have other family nearby or who you can talk to?

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:18

Dr prescribed sleeping tablets for now and I'm going back after my exams at the end of the month to go back on anti depressants. I have been like this on and off for 12 years.

He told the gp he's had enough. I think I must be the first person to get dumped in the Drs surgery.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:21

Thing is - he's my best friend or he was. He really isn't anymore . I literally have no other friends. I just want a hug but im on my bedroom trying not to cry too loudly as I don't want to upset dd.

Right now im torn between wanting scream and shout at him and just sit and sob quietly while he strokes my hair.

He hasn't done that for a while now - years.

It's been over for years

OP posts:
LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:27

I think you should agree to do nothing till after your exams.

Unless you think he'd sabotage them? Sorry to ask.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 01/03/2018 21:31

I'm so sorry. Can you get some rest now and perhaps talk honestly with him tomorrow? Would he come to relationship counselling with you?

I know it sounds trite, but can you take some small steps towards finding friends? An exercise class? The WI? People on your course (assuming your exams are at the end of a course)?

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:33

And LEM, you've got this this place. Lots of acquaintances for sure, and friends too. Lots and lots of empathy.

maxthemartian · 01/03/2018 21:40

I'm so sorry. Anxiety is a total utter fucker.

LineysShanks · 01/03/2018 21:45

I think it's often related to 'hyper vigilance' relating to a childhood trauma or issue, e.g. pissed parent, poverty, or other things? A good talking therapy can really help. But when the decks are clear.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 21:50

Hi LEM. You’re under huge stress with your exams coming up. Can you take your tablets and get a good nights sleep then talk to DH in the morning?

Do you think there might be something salvageable if you tried counselling or similar? Could you ride it out until after your exams then see if you could make it work when the pressure is off a bit?

I’ve seen you around posting and you come off as being really lovely. So sorry you’re having a shitty time. XxFlowers

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:57

Why would he sabotage them? He loves me just can't deal with my anxiety anymore - my heart is broken for him too. He is a decent man. Just pushed him too far

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 21:59

Can't get to pharmacist due to snow and I don't like how the sleeping tablets made me feel. Should have asked for some diazepam but wasn't thinking straight

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calzone · 01/03/2018 22:02

Oh LEM.....I’m so sorry.

What does he want to happen?

NolongerAnxiousCarer · 01/03/2018 22:06

Hugs to you I know how horrible Anxiety is first hand. It's not your fault that you have anxiety, it's an illness.

I can see things from both perspectives as I also support DH with his mental health problems and there was a point where we separated because the carer strain on me was just too much. I don't know what support/treatments you have had for your anxiety. I do know that one of the things that I needed was for my husband to engage with treatment and be proactive in making lifestyle changes to improve his mental health. If he hadn't done this then I couldn't have continued our relationship.

We have also found seeing a psychologist for couple's therapy was really helpful for us. I needed DH to learn how to support me and my mental health needs too and our relationship feels much more equal now the support is going both ways. The thing is that although I needed this I didn't know how to ask for it because I was scared of putting pressure on him and making his mental health worse if I asked for support.

Right now focus on your mental health and getting well enough to deal with everything else.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 22:10

LEM, you haven’t pushed him too far. He may be struggling to cope with your illness, but your illness is not his fault.

rebelrebel3 · 01/03/2018 22:10

Bet you could still turn it around but you'd have to be strong. You say he's been your best friend but have you been his? Or have you expected him to provide all the support and be endlessly strong and grown up, regardless of whatever needs he actually had? If you want to keep the relationship going it has to be a two way street

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 22:10

Your illness is not YOUR fault, sprry

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 01/03/2018 22:16

Yes I have supported him too.

The thing is he has changed towards me. Now every time I have a worry or similar he goes cold on me.

Everything is fine until I try and confide in him then it goes to shit.

I'm not sure I feel the relationship has anywhere else to go tbh.

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