I think it's over and it's all my fault

[LEMtheoriginal]

Me and my fucking bastard anxiety

I've finally done for a 25 year relationship and I'm devastated. Numb and bereft.

Total meltdown today over a health related thing. Massive panic attack resulting in me literally cowering in the corner at Drs.

Dp has had enough. He can't cope - I don't know how we will manage financially although there is a shed load of equity in the house which neither of us can afford to keep so maybe that's something? A start?

We have a 12yr old dd who we both adore and I know she is going to be absolutely devastated. I don't even begin to know how to make this ok for her.

The house is piddly small so can't even live separately.

Fuck. We had it all . I blew it

In the past, if you have confided your worries to him have you taken his advice? Have you let him reassure you?

LEM, I really think you need to take your sleeping tablet. Get a good nights rest.

I remember threads from many many years back where he'd call you extremely unpleasant names during arguments. You may find your mental health improves if you're away from him

Anxiety is a bitch. I’m so sorry. What medical help are you getting?

I have just started a mindfulness class and actually finding it quite powerfully helpful, though it does take some time. I was skeptical at first. I’m also on Sertraline which has helped a lot.

Hi OP-I am so sorry to hear that you're having such an awful time.
I wish I knew what to say, but wanted you to know that you arent alone (there are some fab people on here)-please try not to blame yourself for what has happened, you couldnt help it and certainly didnt set out to hurt anyone. Was the doctor any help at all? I hope you are able to get some rest tonight-please just try and take every hour/every few minutes as they come and I really hope things improve for you

So he says he wants to forget whole thing. But we are laying in bed like a couple of stiff bookends.

I feel angry because what I needed more than anything last night was a cuddle. I needed it when I was in the Dr but he just sat there berating me. Was rude to the Dr and receptionist who were lovely and facilitated me seeing my Dr immediately. I understand he was worried as I just left the house but I wasn't doing it on purpose just didn't want to meltdown in front of dd.

Whenever I get anxious about anything he gets angry with me.

The rest of the time he is wonderful kind and does everything for me.

Anyone?

I don't have experience of this but I recognise your name so feel like I want to support you however I can do this will have to do for now - to show you you are not alone

Well, counselling is far from a fix all, but from what you say, in your case, some kind of couples therapy could be very useful. For instance to put in place strategies for communicating - or not - about the anxiety. Having a safe place to express your anger. All that.
I hope you get some peace soon. Anxiety is hideous.

Thankyou peace is all I want but right now my head is screaming.

I don't feel well but I have to go to work

Sounds like there is still lots to salvage.

Can I ask why you don't have friends? Is it that you don't want them or have had trouble making them? Have you ever had them?
I'm thinking about ways of reducing the pressure on this one relationship.

Not sure he's that good for you if he's treating you like that?
Anxiety is shit, I suffer too, not as badly as you, but I've found drugs control it for me, perhaps you'll fee a different person once you get the anti depressants?

I think, whatever happens next, whatever you decide, whatever he decides, the relationship between you has to change. No-one should spend their life totally dependent on another person for their emotional weather. Nobody should spend their life doing everything for another person. Not and have a healthy, equal relationship.

Can I ask why he was at the doctor's with you?

Forgive me for being dim - not fully awake - but does he want to forget the whole row or the relationship?

I agree that counselling could be very helpful, especially if you can find a counsellor who can address the issues around your health and being a carer, but for that he’d need to be willing to go. Other posters have (rightly) pointed out that being a carer can be tough, but what you say about his getting angry when you’re anxious and being rude to the GP really doesn’t sound good.

I hope you have a better day today.

Pardon me for asking did this anxiety start when DD was born?
You said 12 yes ago and DD is 12.
CBT is the only thing that helped me ( I tried all sorts)
It saved my relationship with my husband - my daughter not so much .
Good luck x

I agree with Batbarian.

Things can’t go on as they are, it sounds like your both at the end of your tethers.

Do you really have to go to work after having such a dreadful time yesterday? It sounds like you should be having a calm, quiet time.

*you’re

It sounds very very upsetting that he is not able to give you the support you need. It also sounds as if he's not really very sympathetic, that he's been faking it for all this time and has now lost the ability to put it on. And all of that suggests he doesn't really understand and somehow blames you for your illness.

Which is not right but ultimately you can't do a lot about.

As I write, it seems to me that the priority is to get you through this current external pressure of exams however you can, 1 day at a time. Short term survival mode.

Then, get yourself sorted with some decent (prescription!) drugs and anything else that can long term help you get a handle on your illness eg counselling / diet / exercise / wellbeing shite etc etc.

Explain to him that this is your plan and that he is therefore going to have to be patient with you and supportive until you get to phase 2 when you can take long term steps to reduce the impact your anxiety has on family life.

Then you deal with the relationship once phase 1 and 2 are done. You aren't going to be strong enough to really deal with it until then. If he decides he 'can't cope' whilst you do that, well then I'm afraid that gives you your answer.

Either way, I think I needs acknowledging and talking further to a) show him you understand how badly this affects him b) explain that it's an illness which you can't control right now c) give him your plan and ask for his support.

Its good now that you are calm (I think?)so having the conversation when not in the midst of anxiety, anger or resentment is better.

Don't let embarrassment or fear drive this underground - that's the sort of thing I imagine anxiety feeds on - you need to be open and honest and get it out.

Good luck I really hope today is a better day.

I massively sympathise with you - I've read your posts on/off over the years and in all honesty I've never thought your DP was that nice. He calls you names, berates you when you're sick and need him the most - I do wonder how much your mental health would improve if you left him.

My anxiety was appalling in my previous relationship - partly because my ex treated me appallingly. He wasn't decent or sympathetic, he got angry with me when I had a panic attack - he wouldn't ever just give me a hug, he'd walk out, ignore me - I felt so worthless. In the end, we split up for unrelated reasons and I've never struggled with anxiety since. I do get upset/worried about things but not to the levels I did before, because I don't have someone telling me how useless I am at dealing with things, and offering me zero sympathy.

Fusion’s post encapsulates very well what I’ve been thinking.

Hope you’re ok, LEM. We’re all still here when you need to talk or rant or cry or whatever you need

Hey forgive me but how about this as an idea.

I dot have anxiety ....to start there, so please feel free to ignore as I could be way off mark....

BUT the reason I'm jumping in is this.

I suffered child abuse. It took years of analysis and hashing it through to get past it and I was frequently upset and down. One of my boyfriends said he was sick of hearing about it. And at other times I have pissed people off with it. It being my problem, not theirs.

If you feel your burden has been too much for him, take it off him for a bit. Don't talk about it, don't tell him your plan, nothing. Just cook, eat, watch tells and have a normal night.

It used to frighten me when I had to act like this. Is no one, not a soul, even this man, completely there for me every time whenever I need them? And I concluded, no, people are not there for me every single time. Sometimes my problems have to be mine.

It may take the pressure off the relationship to give him a night off.

X

Maybe he has anxiety too?
When I was with my ex, he was very negative and worried about so much. He wouldn't ask anyone else for help so it was just up to me. In the end it got too much for me. I wasn't a naturally cheerful person and suffered depression. I found it too much to cope with him as well as myself. Sorry, not very helpful. Maybe something is going on in his life that you don't know about?

LEM I’m sorry to read this. Whilst I can’t help, I can massively sympathise.

I have crippling health anxiety. My husband’s first reaction to any new crisis now is anger. I understand why, too. It’s exhausting and he recognises weeks of difficulties ahead until I resolve it.

We are growing apart because of it. I get angry because he inadvertently triggers my anxiety. He mentioned tonight that my daughter needs to see a doctor because of her cough. That was enough to start me spiralling. I’m angry that he didn’t think before speaking; he’s angry that he can’t have a normal, everyday conversation about his children. So we’re both angry much of the time.

It’s horrible. Wish I had an answer.

One of the problems of anxiety is that in the long run it doesn’t help to have someone try to reassure you or comfort you etc. It just prolongs the whole thing. Anxiety isn’t rational so you have to get to the root of it (I do know easier said than done).

Not saying the relationship is right for you but I just wonder if what you think you need from him is actually what you need. I have periods of anxiety and I’ve also supported someone with anxiety and it is so totally exhaustingly draining to do both.

We are ok - for now. He is very anti medication and poo poos counselling. Not sure what he wants me to do tbh? I really am reaching the end - life just seems too exhausting. The irony!!!