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Original poster

What is child maintance used for?

60 replies

DollFace13 · 01/03/2018 12:49

Hey all

Obviously I know child maintance is for the child ect.
What I'm getting at is what do you use child maintance on? And does ex DH/DP pay anything else towards things or does DH/DP buy anything else for the child/Children.

My ex pays me £186 per month for my DS who is 2.
Which is fine by me.
But on totalling Everything up . I am spending far more than that in one month.

DP doesn't pay for or buy our son anything else .
He doesn't buy any clothes for his house or toys. He buys the food, nappies ect in at the weekends he has him . That's it.
I'm paying food, clothes, essential nappies,lotions ect, dummies, beakers (near enough fortnightly as DS breaks them), potty training stuff , bedding, stuff for his bedroom, toys, books, Clark shoes, hair cuts, activities, stay and play centres and more. You name it and I buy it.

All I keep getting from him is that's what maintenance is for. Which in a sense he's right but I'm paying way more that what he is contributing and he's not getting any extras for his son . He thinks that £186 a month that's his bit and that's it.

Am I wrong to question this.

I'd like other advice /experiences on this please.
That would be much appreciated
Smile

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 01/03/2018 12:56

My ex doesn't pay a penny towards our 4 children. Child maintenance isn't 50% of what he earns it's only 15% I think? So it's not meant to be half of what you spend. That's how it works anyway.

Original poster
DollFace13 · 01/03/2018 12:58

@Thislittlekitty

I'm sorry to hear that eyerolls oh I know it's not 50/50
I would just think he would have stuff at his so I didn't have to provide Everything. Because I'm spending tipple or more than what he actually pays

OP posts:
PrincessHairyMclary · 01/03/2018 12:58

I get £150 a month for 1 DC. I use it to pay for DDs extracurricular clubs and equipment swimming, dance etc the stuff I wouldn't be able to afford on my own.

The thing is children are expensive as we allow them to be, the bare essentials don't cost much it's the extras that add up.

Justanotherzombie · 01/03/2018 13:00

Costs relating to the existence of the child. Every time they need a bath, medicine, food, transport, clothes, shoes, a roof over their head....they cost money. Money that the resident parent is paying at other times of any given month. So maintenance, even if it gets spent directly on hair and nails for the Mum, is in reality being spent on the child by going into the tesident parents pot.

KickAssAngel · 01/03/2018 13:00

Each parent should rake on 50% responsibility of all aspects (time, love, money). Where one parent is less able to (work etc) they should in some way make up for that, e.g. they pay for after school childcare, or (if they have the child less than 50%) money to the other parent.

That money is mean to cover the costs they would/should be paying on the nights they don't have the kid, BUT not 50% of every cost, as they should be shouldering their own costs on their own nights.

But it doesn't work like that so many women and children grow up far less well off.

Original poster
DollFace13 · 01/03/2018 13:05

@justanotherzombie.

I'm a little confused as to what you mean

OP posts:
Avasarala · 01/03/2018 13:05

You don't have to provide everything; those payments are for you to put a roof over your kids head. Most people barely get anything so it's really meant for essentials but you do not need to provide a thing when he goes to your ex's place. Stop sending stuff. He's a dad, he needs to provide a safe and comfortable place for his child and not at your expense so don't se toys or snacks or anything extra - just the kid. Decide if you're going to share clothes (since the wee one will go back and forth clothes will be getting left and washed at both houses) or decide if you will send a suitcase for the stay and then get it all back. But other than clothes, don't send stuff. He needs to pay for it himself at his house.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/03/2018 13:06

The non resident parent pays 15% and the resident parent pays the rest using their income, child tax credits, child benefit, housing support etc. so usually the resident parent isn't actually paying the other 85% if that makes sense.

Original poster
DollFace13 · 01/03/2018 13:07

@kickassangel

Yes you're are right , that's how I see it but like you say it doesn't seem to work like that.

He should have stuff at his house so I'm not having to pack EVERYTHING all the time.
I mean why wouldn't he want to buy his son clothes and toys?
Why do I have to provide Everything?
Which to be honest I do it for my son so he doesn't go without while at ex's house.
But it's becoming a real pain

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 01/03/2018 13:09

tell him that your contribution is way more than his.
Do a list to show him.
He should be buying stuff for the child as well.
If he thinks that his contribution is really 50 per cent of what the child costs, he is living in la-la land..

DullAndOld · 01/03/2018 13:10

You shouldn't have to 'pack' for your child to spend time with his father. There should be stuff there for him.

Emboo19 · 01/03/2018 13:18

He should be buying toys and clothes for a his house. Child maintenance is to pay towards cost when he’s not with the child, so on his weekends he should be providing everything his child needs, it’s why there’s a reduction the more nights they stay.

I get around £100 a week depending on ex’s overtime. He has dd one night a week and she has everything there she needs, he takes her in the clothes she’s wearing and with her nappy bag packed with change of clothes wipes etc, but always brings her back with clean clothes on and her bag filled with clean stuff and nappies etc. We go half’s on a good winter coat and Clark’s shoes as see these as joint essentials, but she has trainers and occasional shoes to go with certain outfits that we buy if we want (he tends to more than me, especially trainers). We don’t stress about his and mine clothes or anything, he tends to buy more expensive stuff so I do try send her back with his clothes on, but he never says anything if I don’t. I don’t send toys (unless she wants to take something), bottles, beakers etc he has all that stuff.
He also pays for swimming as he takes her and for a annual soft play/farm place and a family pass to another place, that we both use.

TheBrilloPad · 01/03/2018 13:18

Try spelling it out for him. His £186 and your £186 is £372 a month, and it's understandable to think that £372 a month is enough for a 2 year old. But if his clothes/food/nappies/activities are coming to more than £372 a month, then write out a list and show him. I don't tend to take rent etc into account if the NRP does overnights, because surely the non-resident parent also needs to pay rent for a two bed place, so both parents have that cost to cover themselves.

If you're amicable, he'll be reasonable. If not, just keep all your DS's clothes shoes and toys and yours, and his Dad will have to provide his own stuff when he has his child.

SandyY2K · 01/03/2018 13:25

If you added up directly what you spent on your DC every month would it come up to £186?

I know there are costs like rent/mortgage, heating, other bills...but he also incurs those expenses.

The fact is that the RP will always spend more on the child... nursery fees, clothes, school photos, school uniform, school trips, books, breakfast club, after school club, extra curricular activities.....the list is endless.

Original poster
DollFace13 · 01/03/2018 13:26

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I will try speaking with him but he's not one to communicate that's why the relationship broke down in the first place. He tends to do tit for tat, which I can't be botherd with.

Funny thing as well. I gave him the travel cot for DS to sleep on as he hasn't even done son's room up at his ace and he moved in, in September.
I also gave him a eating booster seat so DS had somewhere to eat and was strapped in. So he hadn't even got a high chair for him.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 01/03/2018 13:37

Could you try put it to him, more for your sons benefit so he doesn’t grow up feeling like he’s visiting dad’s house. That he has his own stuff there and it’s his home too.

Sometimeitrains · 01/03/2018 14:22

Best peice of advice I got was put all your monthly expenditure into a spreadsheet. Highlight things that relate to the care of your child. Total it up then ask him where he would like to allocate his contribution and which things your child should go without as a result.
May not work but at least he wont be able to roll his eyes next time it comes up as he knows child maintainance alone cannot feed clothe and house a child.

thethoughtfox · 01/03/2018 14:26

You should not be providing extra clothes or accessories ( toddler accessories not handbags and earrings!) for his house.

MrsElvis · 01/03/2018 14:28

That's crazy that your providing for his house?! He should WANT to have toys etc for his son.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 01/03/2018 14:41

Did his Dad (or other extended family on his Dad's side) get him gifts for Xmas? I'd expect him to at least have access to those toys.

His Dad should provide stuff for when he has his son. You don't say how often he has him but I'd expect him to have a toddler seat, beakers, nappies, a bed (with bedding), toys from Xmas just gone, toothbrush and potty/toddler toilet seat as bare minimum. If he has him frequently then I'd expect him to have some clothes (but not the shoes) Does his Dad know about Facebook selling sites? Lots of people on mine offering toddler bed frames etc at affordable prices.

IfNot · 01/03/2018 15:02

The non resident parent pays 15% and the resident parent pays the rest using their income, child tax credits, child benefit, housing supporthe etc so usually the resident parent isn't actually paying the other 85% if that makes sense.

Not all resident parents get tax credits or housing support, and child benefit has been frozen at 82 pound a month for the 1st child for ten years or more!
I pay for everything ( 2 bed house, travel, food, clothes, clubs, holidays, school trips, birthdays, day trips etc) out of the money I earn around looking after my child, plus the 20 quid a week child benefit.
I think once I hit about 20k a year I got no extra tops ups.
So that's the vast majority of my income- at least 85%. I don't spend money on myself- no hobbies or new clothes, ever.
I also took a massive financial hit working part time for years, 3 and then 4 days a week, because 5 days was not doable with the commute/ childcare.
That has also affected my pension, obviously.
Any savings are going towards a house deposit (which ds will inherit one day so I can leave him something).
Children of single parents are growing up in much poorer circumstances than children with married parents, mainly because maintenence is still seen as some kind of optional gratuity the absent parent (usually the father) graciously (or ungraciously) bestows on the mother, rather than payments to actually maintain a child's standard of living.

Oswin · 01/03/2018 15:09

Is he paying how much the child maintenance calculator said have you checked it.

Whenthereshope · 01/03/2018 15:23

So many woman on here with what I'd say is a typical mans idea that maintenance is "nappy and milk money". I don't understand it!?. Maybe it comes from Mums who don't work so essentially you are not losing out on earnings. My ex pays £70 a week for one child and if he ever moans about it I remind him that it is not "nappy and milk money"! I have always worked and so has he. When I had the baby he continued to be able to work 9-5 min- Fri for 6 yrs, where as I had to work night shifts staying awake all night and then having the baby and then work every hour he had the baby. I also buy everything for the baby. I remind him that if he'd like to go halfs on everything I buy / pay for, then get a bigger house to provide a extra bedroom (like I have to) and then pay for child care or not work for 2.5 working hr days then he can take that deal anytime he wants!!! I hope it sometimes gets through his skull that £70 a week is the biggest bargain he will ever get in his life.

category12 · 01/03/2018 15:32

There's no reasoning with the unreasonable.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 01/03/2018 15:35

If you're spending almost £100 ! Week on one 2 year old you need to cut back.