What is child maintance used for?

[DollFace13]

Hey all

Obviously I know child maintance is for the child ect.
What I'm getting at is what do you use child maintance on? And does ex DH/DP pay anything else towards things or does DH/DP buy anything else for the child/Children.

My ex pays me £186 per month for my DS who is 2.
Which is fine by me.
But on totalling Everything up . I am spending far more than that in one month.

DP doesn't pay for or buy our son anything else .
He doesn't buy any clothes for his house or toys. He buys the food, nappies ect in at the weekends he has him . That's it.
I'm paying food, clothes, essential nappies,lotions ect, dummies, beakers (near enough fortnightly as DS breaks them), potty training stuff , bedding, stuff for his bedroom, toys, books, Clark shoes, hair cuts, activities, stay and play centres and more. You name it and I buy it.

All I keep getting from him is that's what maintenance is for. Which in a sense he's right but I'm paying way more that what he is contributing and he's not getting any extras for his son . He thinks that £186 a month that's his bit and that's it.

Am I wrong to question this.

I'd like other advice /experiences on this please.
That would be much appreciated

It's all relative and to some people £100 is nothing?

£100 to cover the roof over a babies head, heating , food, activities or childcare really isn't much at all.

Plus thinking about it I don't think both parents should be 50/50 responsible for the DC. It should be a much higher percentage to the NRP and the RP generally has to manage EVERYTHING else and just cannot work the same amount of hours. I know it isn't though and the RP generally has to sub the NRP lack of contributions.

Mine just goes towards whatever. Rent, bills, food, petrol, after school clubs, clothes. It doesn't go on anything direct and I don't believe it should. My ex only sees his dc every other weekend. Yes he pays maintenance but I'm the one bringing them up and therefore I decide what it goes on....which is always my dc to be fair. Me and dh cant really afford much else. We hardly go out or buy ourselves nice things.

Ex never asks what the money goes on but he knows it goes towards keeping a roof over his children's head and keeping them warm and fed. That should be all that matters.

I used to provide the clothes when my dc went to their dads but it was getting to a point where I wasn't getting anything back. I told him he needed to provide his own clothes and he has. Now I just send my kids in the clothes they are in and they return home in those clothes (been washed by his mum ) They have their own toys and everything else there

However with dh ds, we used to have our own clothes for him but somehow his ex has ended up with them all and we never had them back - with dh repeatedly asking - so now she packs a bag for him. He does have all his own toys here though and we now don't let him take the expensive ones home as we know we won't see them again and he will end up with no toys here.

Dh dd is a teenager and brings her own clothes. We do big her clothes but she takes them home with her which is absolutely fine. She looks after her own things now.

Mine just goes in the pot and pays towards rent, bills, activities, food etc . When we agreed the amount he paid me i said i wouldn't ask for anymore but he does offer to pay towards things like school uniform and buys clothes for them etc sometimes. He is probably one of the more reasonable ones though..

Mine goes into the household account, where it is added to other income and used to pay for whatever we need - mortgage, bills, food, car, clothes, treats.

Op, if he's paying what the maintenance calculator suggests then I doubt you'll get more out of him. He doesn't have to, so he won't, he doesn't sound the type. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking tbh.

But I wouldn't send ds with anything either, he should be providing for your son while he's with him.

Hmmm the fiver I got for my daughter, for the 3 years from age 2-16 that he actually paid it, I cant think that I spent it on anything specific!

In fact, the maintenance is calculated on the assumption that he is providing for his son on 'his' days. It would reduce if he had his son more days, and increase if he had him less.

Hey everyone for your replies

A lot to think about.
Tbh ex has it quite easy. He pays his £185 (which was calculated) and I'm happy with that amount I would just like him to contribute for DS at his house more . He has DS every Saturday and Sunday nights. So I think he should have more than just nappies, wipes, calpol and bedding (for the travel cot I provided, when we were trying to work on our relationship, but living separately).
He does do his weekly shop for him and DS.
Apparently he's not buying a cot as he will soon be in a bed and he will buy it then. Eye rolls I don't question him anymore as it just turns heated.

He always seems to throw maintenance in my face and comes out with something like I spend maintenance money on me which is laughable, as you only have to see my DS and this house to know it's not. I don't even have nights out. One in a blue moon and my last one was September for my birthday.

Nearly most of my Money goes on this house and my DS including day trips out and activities to get out the house. I'm always buying arts and crafts too and learning books to stimulate him.
I buy Clark's shoes every 3 months and he's forever out growing clothes and coats ect.
I've mentioned to ex that I think he needs some outta wear and clothes at his but all he does is I give you maintance that's what it's for ect... all the time. It's getting a little old.

He knows fine well I can't work ATM because there is no one here to watch DS , I also moved from Scotland to be here for ex so he was apart of DS's life..
Also until Ds start nursery for 17 hours in September i can't really do anything...
But I also go to uni in September to add on to my qualifications for SFX makeup for tv and films. I'm already qualified as a makeup artist, I'm currently doing driving lessons which i have my test not long off. So he knows I'm doing everything I can to go self employed.
I also have a immune disease/ condition that I was diagnosed last year and that has really knocked me for six some days. I was on medication until it started damaging my liver function. Long story but I thought I'd give you a brief of why I'm not actually working but I would love to. I've always worked up until the point I found out I was pregnant and moved @5months pregnant.

I'm glad I've posted as I didn't question how other mums and dads used their Maintenance and if I was doing it wrong. But seem as I'm the main career it's used for all sorts to provide a stand home and life for DS. So at least I'm on the right track.
I just wanted to know if partners/husbands did extra on what they pay.

*stable

I get £140 a month for 2 children (teens), I use it to buy them clothes and shoes. Although it doesn’t seem like a huge amount if I also put in £140 (as we should pay 50/50) it’s enough, I pay to feed them, he pays to clothe them. He takes them out at the weekends and so do I.

Op, you don't need to justify what you spend it on. It's for providing a home, heating and food, as well as the clothes and toys and books that your ds needs.

My kids go to their dad in the clothes they are wearing, and have since we separated when they were 5 & 2.
We shared some clothes and toys at that point, but since have each brought clothes - which just get worn and end up at either house, and toys which tend to stay in the gifting house.
If they have sporting activities they obviously take their kit, which mostly lives here, and it then comes back at the end of the weekend or whatever.

They have rooms and stuff at both houses.

I get CM. My ex then contributes 60% of any non regular costs ie scouts, school trips, hobbies, tutor. This is because it is a joint decision for my child to attend and the cost is over and above normal living expenses. If he says no then I decide if I can afford it and if not child doesn’t go.

Basically he's using it as a stick to beat you with and your best course is to not engage with it - you don't have to justify yourself to him, that's the joy of not being with him anymore . So either cut him off when he starts or just blank him out and think about something more amusing when he blathers on.

My favourite thing about my break-up was and is never having to listen to him ever again.

Oh, and the maintenance money goes into my bank account and I spend it as I see fit - be that on housing, fuel, food, clothes etc for them, things for me, holidays, pensions contributions and savings. It is history of my household income and is in no way ringfenced.

We have a signed Family Based Arrangement...x pays basic child maintenance (15% I think), we pay 50/50 for any education/extra curricular activities, he pays for any breakfast/after school club requirements as a result of DS time with him, and he's responsible for food, clothing etc required as a result of DS being with him.

It is history PART of ....

I get £350 for one 10 year old. I put this towards everything to do with care, food, roof over her head etc

Ex also pays for a maths tutor and half her dancing fees. If he didn't she wouldn't be able to dance as much as she does.

He's had to cancel a visit this weekend due to the weather (he lives 300 miles away). So he's put £40 in my account to spend on her this weekend.

He'll also pay for school trips, clothes and other stuff if needed.

I know I'm lucky he does this on top of CM, but he earns well and is a great dad.

When he says that's what maintenance is for, say:

"No, it's your contribution to DC's expenses while he's away from you."

Broken record technique, just keep coming back with that.

Don't provide any more stuff for when DC's with him. Kids that age can make toys out of anything, he'll be ok. I mean, obviously pack a particular favourite, but not a whole bag of toys!

I think it is to compensate you for the extra expenses you incur by caring for the child more. You are responsible for the costs, incurred when the child is in your care including consumables,activities and equipment and he is responsible for the costs when he is in his care. Both should pay for shoes and clothes because they are used when at both.

That is not to say the maintenance he is paying is enough but it should not be earmarked for a particular purpose. He doesn't get to say "you spend the money on yourself and not the kid" but the reverse of that is you not saying she needs new bedding, pay for it. By all means say I should get more money.

Having said that, some people would prefer to pay for their kid's things directly rather than hand over more cash than the legal minimum so it may be a good strategy.

Hey thanks again for your replies.

All I want him to do is pay for things when he has DS and have things at his own house for when DS stays over.
He seems to think this £185 is for absolutely everything and that is all he needs to do.
I don't think he gets it and I've explained this all until I'm blue in the face..
He can say what he wants about me using the money. I have bank statements to back me up anyway. So I'm not worried.

It's just sad that we seem to be at war (because of him) when it comes to money for his son.
It's ridiculous

My ex refuses to pay for birthday gifts for DS' friends when he attends parties on his dad's weekend. He expects me to pay for them. After I pointed out that he chose to accept the invitations, so it was up to him to choose to send a gift as it was nothing to do with me (slippery slope opening up there), he refuses to take DS to parties on his time now rather than pay £5 for a box of LEGO. He earns over £100,000 a year and has a lodger.... I give up.

I think that some NRP's like to believe that the money is spent on wine and manicures...my ex used to talk about 'the money he gave me'. 'The DC's maintenance, you mean?'

And whilst he has always paid regularly, he has never index-linked his contributions over the last 12 years. I suspect he has numerous payrises and last year he tried to reduce the amount. I pointed out that he had in fact reduced it by at least a third over the years due to inflation. It's all gone quiet now.

@veryfoolishfay

Wow he sounds delightful ha ha
My ex too has said that before. The money I give you to look after him. It's like wow no. I'll look after him either way. It's money you give for your son , not for me to look after him eye rolls