Does anyone else think it's disgusting when people use the grief of another family to get attention for themselves?

[OnlyAbigail]

A friend of mine and DH's died a couple of weeks ago. It was very sad, as he was only in his late thirties and had been terminally ill for several years.

One other couple from our circle of friends, who hadn't really known this man or his wife for very long at all, have done nothing but use the death of this man to get attention and sympathy for themselves on social media and I find it quite sickening and extremely disrespectful to this man's family and actual close friends!

This couple are both generally very showy and attention seeking, as are their kids, who have also posted various things on snapchat and instagram about this man (my teenage DD told me), to try to get sympathy for themselves. The man from this couple has done probably 5 or more Facebook statuses in the past two weeks saying how this man was like a brother to him and that he can't believe he's gone. The woman keeps doing statuses saying how she's so upset and keeps crying.

We have of course commented with supportive messages on his wife/family's Facebook statuses, sent a card to his wife and family, but I would never dream of using his family's grief to get attention!

This is not the first time that this couple have done this type of thing; if there is anything going on locally they use it to get attention for themselves, for example when there was a fire at a house in our town the woman posted on Facebook about how terrifying it all was knowing there was a fire so near to her and how she was having panic attacks thinking her house might be next. She didn't even know who lived at the house that caught fire!

Does anyone else think this is awful behaviour? The funeral is on Friday and I have expect this couple to have talked their way into walking behind the coffin with the rest of this man's family!

I also remember a girl like this in my year at school. When we were year 10 a boy in our year died and although she barely knew him she made such a fuss about her 'grief' and made out that she was the only person who had ever known him, and it basically became all about her!

Cant stand people like that they make me cringe :/

Oh yes. When MIL and SFIL died, before facebook etc, one couple, drinking buddies of SFIL, kept giving newspaper interviews about them being such a lovely couple (they died a month apart) how sad it was for all their friends and that they, as their friends were rallying round the family.

Well, none of us had ever met them, DH had a vague memory of them at a bar once. So we contacted the newspaper and told asked them to stop as it was very upsetting. They gave one last interview, saddened that the family were pushing away friends who only wanted to support them.

We never did work out who they thought they were. They even used the wrong nickname for MIL, so who knows who they thought they were grieving for?

I've name changed for this.

My Dsis passed away on Christmas Day under terrible circumstances.

It was in the press anonymously & as a family we took the conscious decision not to put anything on FB or social media or tell anyone until Boxing Day. There was no point in spoiling anyone else's Christmas Day

As people who knew her were questioned they were obviously aware- and they posted things, we asked them to take it down, one girl (a colleague of Dsis) actually argued with me that I had no right to ask her not to post on FB!

We had Cousins, Godparents & Great Aunts both here & in the States & Canada that we hadn't been able to get in touch with, who found out from FB. My Dsis was very private and would have hated it.

Another colleague of only a couple of months then gave an interview to the local paper, she then took a photo of the interview with Dsis's name and her name and posted it to FB page tagging Dsis in. Fame by association, cue loads of 'u ok hun?'

So while our world fell apart on Christmas Day, Colleagues & Acquaintances who hardly knew Dsis caused untold upset by casually posting stuff and then carrying on as if nothing happened, they still had their Christmas. All the words felt so empty and meaningless.

I had made the conscious decision not to look at Social Media, but apparently some of the comments by strangers giving their opinion were horrendous. One person even demanding to know why she was not named straight away.

It has taught me that behind every sensationalist newspaper headline & tragic story there is a family suffering untold pain, those who post the most are not the ones necessarily suffering the most.

Yep, drives me bonkers. I also had the school one when I was younger (also year 10), the whole school was in shock but there was a couple that hardly knew the child that turned it into being about them. I think they wanted counselling for it, everyone in our year was offered it. It was a boy that passed away and I always wonder how his actual close friends coped with it. I think it's always something that shocks you in school wether you were friends with the person or not. It was my first experience of death and although i wouldn't class myself as being friends with the child, it still got to me. I always remember seeing him just before he died. But you are right, there's always someone who makes it about them.

Someone very young was murdered in my area recently, we were all absolutely shocked and devastated. I shed many tears over the next few days regarding it though I didn't know the family personally - I know the aunty of the victim and messaged her to say I was thinking of her and the whole family.

There were news reporters absolutely everywhere and dhs cousin (she's extremely attention seeking, puts about 5 selfies of her posing on her profile every single day) was filmed in the background of a policeman being interviewed. She shared this video on fb saying 'i can't believe this has happened, it's awful....p.s spot me in the background of this interview, can't believe im on tv 😂'

She shared it constantly over the next few days but always putting how she's in shock, saying she's been crying all day. But everyone thankfully was on to her to the point where she got so much abuse and she deleted everything. It made dh leave fb, he was so angry with her and hasn't spoken to her since.

I think it's disgusting, I'm a very emotional person but I would never dream of doing this. So disrespectful to the family. It's hard not to say anything to the attention seeking person to be honest....it's a bite your lip type of thing.

Barky, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

The people posting those things and giving interviews behaved appallingly.

A dear old friend of mine died suddenly in January and I found out through her colleagues posting sad messages on Facebook and tagging her.

TBF, the messages weren’t particularly attention seeking or gushy, just sad “will miss you” posts on her page. It’s just they literally began appearing a couple of hours after her death and I did wonder if that was particularly sensitive - I’m sure other family and friends found out about it that way, can’t tell you what a shock I had.

There was a thread about this here ages ago (sorry I don’t know how o search for it).

Iirc, a couple’s toddler passed away. A sister (?) did public displays of grief like decals on her car’s rear window and even had a tattoo done (!). It was like a competition of who could grieve more (as if anyone could grieve more than the parents). MNers called it “grief thief”.

There might be a psychological dynamic at play here- beyond self serving attention seeking at the expense of others. It isn’t quite the same thing, but it brings to mind the fake 9-11 survivor Tania Head- “The Woman Who Was Not There”.

Yes, disgusting in a weird psycho way.

Barky l’m sorry for your loss.

This also reveals (yet another) a negative aspect of fb.

Yes, happens a lot with the death of a child. "Grief thief" is a good term for it. People who do it seem to utterly lack self-awareness. It's not actually all about them.

I call them Grief Vampires. Feeding off other people's misery and distress for attention and getting a kick out of it.

Yep people like that are truly sick.
I've seen it too.

'Grief Thief' is a great term. My DM is one of those - my DF died a number of years ago and she has always refused to recognise anyone's grief but her own, including her own children. She has dismissed our grief, because we 'only' lost our dad, she has lost her 'entire world'. It's torn my family apart and I will never get my head around the selfishness of it all.

My colleague does this.
Whenever anyone dies they are always her kids “uncle Matty” or her “auntie Barbara” although actually no relation and never heard her mention them ever before. Cue long “fly high in the sky, heavens gained an angel” type posts on FB, lots of crying at work and then she needs a day of to go the funeral but doesn’t want to use a holiday as it’s her “uncle/aunt” etc.

Barky I’m so sorry. You must feel like you are living in a nightmare. Christmas wasn’t so long ago, I hope you are holding up OK.

And f**k those people for making you deal with them in the middle of all of it!

I found myself comforting these grief vampires after my children died.

Comments like 'You were their mum everyone knows you're upset, but what about me' and 'sorry your kids are dead it's made me so paranoid about mine dying now I can't cope with It'.

They really do make it all about themselves.

I almost apologised for their upset a few times before I got myself in check.

Nowadays I don't really bother with people.

This has just reminded me of a story from years ago....defo grief theif

Lady at works gran died, she had 2 weeks off work for the grief. We all thought it had really hit her hard, had a rally round for some flowers and everyone wrote in a card. I took it round to hers personally. She looked absolutely shocked when she answered the door but grateful for the flowers and card - she didn't invite me in but I genuinely thought she was grieving.

That was in March/April time

Christmas comes round which we all hated as all the full time staff were given the crappy shifts. We all hated it, it was a nightmare. Rotas came through and we noticed that the lady wasn't put down for any Christmas shifts....none at all. People got a bit funny and asked why and she said 'well it's the first Christmas without grandma so.......' she had clearly gone to our boss and asked for time off because she was still upset over grandma.

Now we were all pee'd off at that big time but no one said anything to her.

Fast forward a couple of months and her sister came into the shop i worked in, i sort of knew her and we got chatting as I served her on the till. Conversation turned to her sister (lady that I worked with) and I mentioned her grandma, assuming it would also be her grandma. Turns out it wasn't, it was her dh's grandma who she had only ever met once at her wedding as she lived in Ireland. She never even went to her funeral.

I never mentioned anything to anyone but I was fuming and became quite distant with her after that. And I felt a total muppet turning up at her house with flowers.

I'd well and truly forgot this story until this post come up.....total grief there....

@BarkyMcFarty

That's bloody awful. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister .

That said I don't think your experience is uncommon sadly.

My DP's lost a v close family friend last year. They said one of the worst things was watching the "competitive grieving" unfold on SM as "acquaintances" of the deceased, rather than offering any meaningful help and support to the bereaved family rushed to the keyboard to express their "utter devastation".

DM said it was like a virus. One actual friend posted on FB (despite being asked not to, to allow close family to be contacted first ). After that there were tagged posts after posts - domino effect.

This was only hours after the death, when my parents were with the bereaved family waiting (time difference) to break the news to family in NZ, some of whom inevitably found out via FB before they could be contacted in person. A truly awful way to find out a relative has died .

Yet for all the hours these keyboard grief thief's put into to posts, uploading pictures etc, non of them actually paid their respects to the spouse or their kids in person or offered any practical damn help whatsoever.

Many didn't even attend the funeral despite living locally.

It's just so bloody self absorbed.

IMO it’s up there with people who “grieve” for dead celebrities. But what makes it worse is that they make someone a lot closer to home’s grief their own.....

I remember when Diana died I went on holiday shortly afterwards, and one of my colleagues had been on holiday at the time so I didn’t see her for almost a month afterwards. When I got back to work I asked if she’d had a good holiday and she said “no not really, we were all so cut up about what happened that we couldn’t enjoy ourselves.” I thought at this point that perhaps she’d suffered some kind of bereavement or something that I’d not yet heard about so I asked what had happened while at the same time apologising for being unaware. She replied “you know, Diana dying.” .

I call them grief whores.

There's one awful case in Ireland where a man's teen son was killed in a hit-and-run and he had to decide whether to leave his son's body on the roadside in order to get home before his two other children learned of their brother's death via social media.

Shocking.

www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/dad-tells-of-being-forced-to-leave-dead-son-on-roadside-467372.html

I've never understood competitive grief.
I saw a bit of it when my niece died. During the funeral I saw it as my job to help support my mum and my brother and his wife through it. Didn't actually need to do a great deal in the end, so I just tried to be unobtrusive.
The grief vampires were horrible. My sil didn't want a big fuss funeral but they were basically bullied into it as 'lots of people will want to come'. Lots did, many of whom barely knew the family. I found the whole thing exhausting, I dread to think how my brother and sil managed.
My brother in particular has backed away from a number of these people. They're just so much hard work.

Facebook seems to be full of grief vultures, it makes you wonder what on earth goes through some alotof people's minds.
I've even seen a few instances of 'friends' posting photos of serious car crashes to 'let people know there will be traffic on such and such road' immediately after they've happened- with the reg plate and everything showing! Some people find glory in announcing news or wanting to be seen as the first to know about something.

My Cousin did this when my DNeice died at 2 days old. She made a status about how sad and awful it was, accompanied by photos of DNs coffin, whilst at the funeral! She then made a massive show of her grief, literally throwing herself about the place and wailing about how unfair it all was, while DB and SIL sat there in silence, trying to keep their composure for the sake of their other DC. It was absolutely disgusting. Thankfully, pretty much the entirety of the family is NC with her because of her behaviour.