Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He proposed when drunk — now changed his mind :/

60 replies

ShinyBadger · 27/02/2018 18:42

Well that really, we have been together 9 years, went out and when we got home that night he told me he wanted to marry me. I said are you serious or saying it as you have been drinking.
He replied - no serious, I love you will you marry me? I want to marry you.

the next day he was his Normal self, I tried to pluck up the courage to ask if he remembered but couldn’t. That evening i said do you remember last night and he said yes everything - so I text him the next day and asked him if we were really engaged? He said how can I do it with out a ring? I said well you asked me?
But something still didn’t sit right, I haven’t told anyone about this. So now 3 days later I finally found the courage to ask again.

I just said you only asked me because you were drunk didn’t you? He said yes he did and was sorry- but does love me and wants to do it properly one day in the future.

So not only do I now feel like a twat - I feel really hurt by him and now incredibly lonely.

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 27/02/2018 18:45

You shouldn't feel like a twat. I doubt he is going to ask you. You will have to accept that he doesn't want to, or if it means that much to you, set him an ultimatum (although that feels like begging to me) or find somebody new. Is marriage that important to you?

upsideup · 27/02/2018 18:46

Is it possible he thought it was a bit of a shit proposal? That he felt bad that he was drunk and didnt have a ring so is planning on doing it properly soon?

Angelf1sh · 27/02/2018 18:46

It’s easy for me to say this I know but it’s been 9 bloody years and he can’t commit to you properly. You don’t deserve that. Wtf is he waiting for exactly? What is going to be different about this mythical future date? I’d cut my losses and go. If he’s still not there at 9 years (and isn’t genuinely saying he doesn’t agree with marriage or something, just saying he’s not ready for that kind of commitment) then I doubt he ever will be, with you at least. Do you have kids or a joint home?

GottadoitGottadoit · 27/02/2018 18:46

Clearly he doesn’t want to. God I would be so mad with him, I would feel like the power balance had shifted.

OakIsBetterTho · 27/02/2018 18:46

Oh what a shithead. That's awful for you. To be honest, and I know this is harsh and I'm sorry, but I don't think, from what you've written, that he has any intention of ever marrying you. You've been together a long time, what isn't he sure of?

violetfeather · 27/02/2018 18:48

That's really sad. Is this sort of behaviour out of character for him? If he is normally very considerate and respectful than this could be blip and you could overlook it, however, it is very disappointing that he doesn't realise how hurtful this action has been to you.

helhathnofury · 27/02/2018 18:53

What age did you get together?....I only ask as it took 10yrs for me an dh to get married, but we did start our relationship young. He proposed once when drunk, I said no, again on a holiday and I said no which resulted in an argument, then we just sort of agreed to it and got engaged over the Xmas period. So def not all hearts and flowers! Still together though 18 years on.

timeisnotaline · 27/02/2018 18:58

If you are upset don’t hide it, it’s a pretty shitty thing for him to do after all. Make sure he knows you are upset, and think seriously about the relationship.

Dobbythesockelf · 27/02/2018 19:01

Don't feel like a twat this is not your fault in anyway. Do you live together? How old are You? I have a friend in a similar situation, her and her boyfriend have been together 8 years, they see each other 3 times a week, spend a couple of nights together, go on holiday once a year but that's it. He doesn't want to move in together until they are more financially stable, doesn't want to get married. Has no desire to see her more than 3 times a week. In all honesty he just isn't that into her.
Now if your relationship is progressing slowly but is still progressing and you are generally happy then I would try to move on but if this is just another thing in a list of him not wanting to commit then obviously you should have a look at what you want.

springydaff · 27/02/2018 19:01

9 years??!! Shock

And you were too embarrassed to bring it up? You've been together 9 years and you can't talk about this?!

Looks like he's the one with all the power in the relationship.

You're worth so much more than this shit.

scrabbler3 · 27/02/2018 19:04

Do you have children?

bigfatbuddha · 27/02/2018 19:07

How many more years does he need to get to know you enough for marriage?

ferando81 · 27/02/2018 19:09

Is he well off?
Both men and women are justifiably nervous about proposing given the financial penalties involved if the marriage ends in divorce.
If there is little financial disparity in income and wealth ,then he just doesn't love you enough.

Original poster
ShinyBadger · 27/02/2018 19:12

To be fair, he doesn’t drink very often - twice a year maybe tops, and I didn’t Think he was that drunk - just abit cheerful -
Maybe he was more than I thought.

I am really hurt by him - and certainly feel Really let down. I was happy as we were, knew where I stood and he has always said that he never wanted to get married (messy parents divorce when he was only 11) I accepted this - that’s how it has been for the last 5/6 years - so I knew that this wasnt right, hence why I didn’t believe it.

I know you are all right, and if someone had down this to my best friend, I would be saying to them cut your losses and leave him! - but when it’s yourself it never seems that simple.

No we don’t have kids, live together and meet when I was 26, have a good relationship and I was really happy as we were. I have never nagged him or asked him about marriage/engagement etc - then this!

OP posts:
Doomedtoast · 27/02/2018 21:27

In my experience if it takes many years to get engaged, it will be a long engagement. Meaning, basically, that the man can just ‘keep on’ ad infinitum and never has to really do or commit to anything. The longer it takes the less chance of kids and then the inevitable excuse comes out - ‘well, it’s been xx years, what’s the point now? Everything is ok isn’t it?’

sound of 45 year old man riding motorbike into sunset.

Point is, time matters differently to men and women.

Do yourself a favour and fuck him off.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2018 21:29

So i guess what this has brought to thr surface is you do really want to get married. I think you need to talk to him about that.

TheVanguardSix · 27/02/2018 21:30

Oh what a time bandit.
If you want kids, it won't happen with this one. Sorry if that's a bit off-topic and harsh.

9 years and a shit proposal. I'd get my skates on, OP.

Catinthebath · 27/02/2018 21:30

OP you must know by know that no one can give proper consent when drunk.

TheNecroscope · 27/02/2018 21:35

I knew someone who did this too, proposed to his girlfriend when pissed and then backtracked a few days later. She felt humiliated (they'd been out with friends when he proposed) Their relationship never recovered and they split a few months later. They'd been together for years too. Pretty soon after that he met someone else and very quickly got married, always seems to be the way these things go.
If you want marriage and kids, it doesn't sound like you'll get it with him. Think seriously about this.

dirtybadger · 27/02/2018 21:40

Have you discussed if he has changed his mind about marriage?

I dont want to get married, but I care about my DP and sometimes feel romantic and think about it. I dont think I would get shit faced enough to propose, but if I did, I would be awkwardly retracting it after. But that isnt quite what your DP did as he strung you along for a few days, and is now being vague about it. Which is very, very unfair and could go on forever!

I agree that if you want kids, get outta dodge. If not, then you need to discuss what you both want in the near future. Not wanting formal commitment isnt a sign he doesnt care or love you, but disregarding how he his actions have made you feel, may be.

C0untDucku1a · 27/02/2018 21:41

9 years and you felt you couldnt bring up a marriafe proposal? Leave him. Thats not healthy.

user1493413286 · 27/02/2018 21:45

I say this either kindness; you’re worth more than a drunken proposal. It sounds like you need a serious chat about your future as 9 years is a long time and if you’re waiting for a proposal that will never come you need to know

Tuesday16 · 27/02/2018 21:46

Feeling pretty low and lonely living in a new area with no family and friends around and partner keeps being nasty plus not having a great time at work either! 😞

Gemini69 · 27/02/2018 21:48

Sorry to read this OP.... Flowers

PrincessScarlett · 27/02/2018 21:53

This happened to me ShinyBadger and yes, it makes you feel like shit. In my case, we had been together a similar amount of years. I knew he was drunk and told him to ask me properly when he was sober. He didn't. Before the year was out I had realised marriage was important to me and gave him an ultimatum. We've been married almost 10 years and together for over 20 years.

Just because you've been together for 9 years doesn't mean it won't happen. But, you need to talk to him about what you both want out of life as if he really doesn't want marriage and kids and you do, you may have to walk away before it's too late for you.