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Original poster

He proposed when drunk — now changed his mind :/

60 replies

ShinyBadger · 27/02/2018 18:42

Well that really, we have been together 9 years, went out and when we got home that night he told me he wanted to marry me. I said are you serious or saying it as you have been drinking.
He replied - no serious, I love you will you marry me? I want to marry you.

the next day he was his Normal self, I tried to pluck up the courage to ask if he remembered but couldn’t. That evening i said do you remember last night and he said yes everything - so I text him the next day and asked him if we were really engaged? He said how can I do it with out a ring? I said well you asked me?
But something still didn’t sit right, I haven’t told anyone about this. So now 3 days later I finally found the courage to ask again.

I just said you only asked me because you were drunk didn’t you? He said yes he did and was sorry- but does love me and wants to do it properly one day in the future.

So not only do I now feel like a twat - I feel really hurt by him and now incredibly lonely.

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 27/02/2018 21:58

What is “properly”?

Proposals don’t need big productions with rings, hearts and flowers and a marching band.

It’s very simple. It’s a promise. Why can’t he make it?

I’m also concerned that you’ve been together 9 years and that you had to build up courage to talk to him about something. You should be able to talk about anything.

Be very careful with this. Don’t paper over cracks with a diamond.

FirstTimeRound984 · 27/02/2018 22:01

my OH proposed to me numerous times when either drunk or just because he felt like it but without a ring so i never took it seriously just said yeah then moved on but then again I wasn't particularly bothered with the whole getting married thing. All i will say is when he's genuinely proposing to you, you'll know - mine was in floods of tears before he'd even got the ring out! Im sorry your feeling so bad about it, it is easy to say just leave him but why not speak to him first and tell him that it got your hopes up and now you feel let down. Clutching at straws, maybe he really wants to marry you but can't afford the ring?

Addy2 · 27/02/2018 22:07

If it helps, a friend of mine recently got engaged after nine years or so. He went the full nine yards with the proposal, hired a band, fairy lights etc. I think she did have a serious conversation with him a few months earlier though about kids and wanting to be married before them. It does happen after a long time sometimes.

campingismyjam17 · 27/02/2018 22:29

I was with my husband for 10 years before we got married. We had a very long engagement and yes he did propose when he was drunk but I knew he was serious and he got drunk for 'Dutch courage'. He proposed on his 21st birthday in the July and I got my engagement ring at Christmas. We are celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary this year. Please talk to him, he may be embarrassed as he may have wanted it to be different for you and realises it was all a bit rubbish.it could be a pride thing.

bittern79 · 27/02/2018 22:34

Camping - you were with your h for 10 years before he proposed, but he proposed on his 21st?? So you got together aged 10??.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 27/02/2018 22:37

Ask him?

Charismatictac · 27/02/2018 22:42

Sounds so joyless, the whole dynamic of you tiptoeing around him hoping he meant his drunken proposal.

RLOU88 · 27/02/2018 22:42

@ bittern - no, Camping said 10 years to get married as it was a long engagement

RubberJohnny · 27/02/2018 22:44

@bittern79, ten years together at PROPOSAL on his 21st. Not ten years together before proposal.

campingismyjam17 · 27/02/2018 22:45

bittern79, sorry for the confusion. I met him when we were both 20, he asked me to marry him on his 21st birthday. We got married when we were 30 and are celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary this year. I'm 52 tomorrow.I can see how you would have thought that from my previous post lol.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/02/2018 22:46

I’d be more worried about your being nervous to discuss it with him, as PP have said. That’s not a healthy dynamic.

It doesn’t sound like it’s something that mattered to you prior to this if you’ve been together nine years and he’s always said he doesn’t want to marry?

bittern79 · 27/02/2018 22:53

Sorry, Camping!

Op, I’m sorry, but if he doesn’t want to marry you after this long, will he Ever?

littlebillie · 27/02/2018 23:00

I think you need to bring this up very gently and tell him you were really happy that he had asked you. You love him and well if he serious he needs to decide. I think you need to clear you are not expecting to drop to one knee there and then but you do need to know where you are goin.g

Wdigin2this · 27/02/2018 23:03

Not a nice thing to do, not a nice man to do it....probably not a very nice future, if you stay with him!

JoJoSM2 · 27/02/2018 23:06

Do you know what you want? I'd start by establishing that and then speak to him.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2018 23:22

After 9 years you surely must have had this conversation? Is marriage important to you? Is it what you want? And is it something you want with him. To be frank - drunk or not, after 9 years this should be something that was discussed properly.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/02/2018 23:50

Sorry to be a sceptic, but I never believe men who say they don't believe in marriage. They all seem to believe in it PDQ when they meet the right person.

I'd cut your losses, OP. Find your own house, build your own future. You can't lose if you do this -- if he realises he wants you forever, he'll come and get you. It might be scary, realllllly scary, but look at the facts: living with your for 9 years hasn't cured his fear of commitment, so see what living without you does.

RamblinRosie · 28/02/2018 00:21

What's all this with a proper proposal? A proposal is "Will you marry me?" or similar. If the answer is "Yes", you're engaged. Simple as that!

After 2 years together, my DP came home from a business trip, said "Will you marry me?" I said "If you ask properly", he went down on one knee and asked again, I said "Yes". That was it, next weekend we went out and chose a ring. 6 months later we got married, that was 36 years ago.

The ring was inexpensive, secondhand (so no VAT), and I still love it because of what it means (and it looks classy). The ring is a symbol, not a competition.

After 9 years he either sees wants to marry you or he doesn't, procrastination suggests not, sorry, he's keeping his options open.

Please, don't waste the rest of your youth on him. You're worth more.!

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 28/02/2018 03:38

I would give him six weeks. For that six weeks I would bright and breezy. If he had not properly proposed after that, I would end it 'just because'. This would be a watershed moment for me.

mathanxiety · 28/02/2018 04:19

Agree 100% with Yvonne.

What in his mind is the difference between getting married and living together long term?
Commitment?
His options remain open?
Likes the power imbalance of knowing you are waiting for the proposal?
His money/property are safe from you?

This event has shown you that you want to get married. It's not going to happen with this jerk.

Shadow666 · 28/02/2018 04:57

It sounds more like he got cold feet than he was really drunk. It’s more the lack of honesty there that’s worrying. What really is going through his head?

MaxWeber · 28/02/2018 05:00

Don't marry someone you have to 'pluck up the courage' to talk to. That's fucked up.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/02/2018 05:30

I'm sorry you feel shit op. Do you want marriage and kids, if so it doesn't sound like he does. There's nothing wrong with you wanting that, you shouldn't have to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it, but on the other hand there isn't anything wrong with him not wanting it either. I get you feel let down but I think we are all guilty of saying things we don't mean while drunk. Most of my mates talk utter shite after a few, I know I have done too.
Just because he doesn't want marriage doesn't mean he isn't committed to you or your relationship, some people just don't want to, yes sometimes they meet someone and that changes, sometimes it doesn't. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to and it sounds to me like, apart from this drunken blip he's always been straight about that.
You can't force someone to marry, yes you can give him an ultimatum, he may even comply with this and propose but if he doesn't want to actually do it he will begin to feel trapped and resentful, trust me I know from my own experience and how I felt. My marriage lasted two years before I ended it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2018 11:24

I have never nagged him or asked him about marriage/engagement etc - then this!

If you've never spoken about it (although not sure how that's happened if you've been together for 9 years) then I'm not sure you are justified in being so appalled by him not wanting to marry you.

If that's want you want, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

Otherwise he may just assume you're happy with things the way they are. So speak up. It's your life and you are entitled to have wants and needs and plans for the future.

LTS2018 · 28/02/2018 11:36

Cut your losses don't force it. Engagement/marriage won't improve your relationship.
Engaged after 10 years because I wanted to, it took 7 more years to get married, he started an affair before our first anniversary, two years later he left me for her (which was the first I knew of the affair). They got married a month after our divorce.
I wish I'd ended it after 10 years rather than pushing to get engaged. I could've found a man who actually wanted to marry me.