He proposed when drunk — now changed his mind :/

[ShinyBadger]

Well that really, we have been together 9 years, went out and when we got home that night he told me he wanted to marry me. I said are you serious or saying it as you have been drinking.
He replied - no serious, I love you will you marry me? I want to marry you.

the next day he was his Normal self, I tried to pluck up the courage to ask if he remembered but couldn’t. That evening i said do you remember last night and he said yes everything - so I text him the next day and asked him if we were really engaged? He said how can I do it with out a ring? I said well you asked me?
But something still didn’t sit right, I haven’t told anyone about this. So now 3 days later I finally found the courage to ask again.

I just said you only asked me because you were drunk didn’t you? He said yes he did and was sorry- but does love me and wants to do it properly one day in the future.

So not only do I now feel like a twat - I feel really hurt by him and now incredibly lonely.

Why is ask down to whether he wants to ask you properly? Its not the 1950, if you want to get married ask him.

wants to do it properly one day in the future.

He’s had 9 years.

9 years. Ridiculous to string you along for the “future”. Future already here. If this is a deal breaker for you, get out now.

The fact he's stalled for 9 years is crap, but TBH this is the real red flag to me:

I tried to pluck up the courage to ask if he remembered but couldn’t [...] so I text him the next day and asked him if we were really engaged [...] So now 3 days later I finally found the courage to ask again.

You've been with this man for 9 years, you love him enough to want to marry him and have children, yet it takes you an entire day to find the courage to ask him an important question via text, and 3 more to find the courage for a face to face discussion. That's not ok! How can you share a life with someone you don't feel safe having these conversations with?! Even if you do marry, what will you do when future issues arise? Like, you have a baby and he expects you to do everything? Will you be able to advocate for yourself, or will you spend weeks trying to find the courage? This is not a healthy relationship, and I honestly can't see it being a happy marriage. You're 35 now right? If you want children I'd seriously consider leaving him.

Sorry to have disappeared the snow caused a power cut, so no heating, internet etc.

Thank you for all your replies, he told me when we first met he didn't want to get married, that was good enough for me - I have always understood this from the beginning and it has never been an issue to me.

We have/had a very good relationship - life is equal, we both work long hours - nothing in the world is perfect but now its a issue as he asked me - when drunk - when he didn't mean it and then said he wants to do it one day.... which is all different to what we originally spoke about and very out of character for him.

We have spoken about this over the last few days and i would like to forget about it all and move forward - Apparently He doesn't know why he said it at that moment and is very sorry to have hurt me - i wonder if he had changed his mind and had been thinking about it and then as we had been out and had a few drinks it came out. Neither of us really drink - prob twice a year.

Thank you Ladies. Shiny x

What do you see in your future with him? Do you want children?

Re your comment:-

"We have spoken about this over the last few days and i would like to forget about it all and move forward - Apparently He doesn't know why he said it at that moment and is very sorry to have hurt me - i wonder if he had changed his mind and had been thinking about it and then as we had been out and had a few drinks it came out".

He's had some considerable time to ask you already and this is not the sort of thing you can if at all readily move on from. You may well like to forget about it all and move forward but will you?. This will rear its ugly head again at some point and will return to bite you.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

So not only do I now feel like a twat - I feel really hurt by him and now incredibly lonely.

I think you should try to work out why you felt so hurt and lonely and 'like a twat' instead of hurrying to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

The thing is Op (and I know you’re not likely to read this), you must have said yes when he asked because you asked the next day if you were engaged now. So clearly you want to get married but now you’re pretending you never did. That’s quite sad really.

If you only want to be with him if you are married to him, then you propose if he says no, leave him, if he says yes you ein. Why does it make such a difference being married, it is just a piece of paper. I know there are two ways of looking at that, but if it means that much to you, ask him yourself.