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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband doing me a favour, when he feeds our children! Really?!

98 replies

WishfulWanderer · 26/02/2018 23:20

What do you do in your house? And What do you think of this:
My DH constantly says/thinks he is doing me a favour when on the rare occasion he picks up our children from school, or cooks dinner for them, or does something else I usually do. We both work full time, but I leave the office early to do school runs, dinner, bath, bedtime he does, lunches etc, and then log on to finish the rest of my work till late into the night. But because I am not in work all day long he says I don't work full-time which infuriates me. Anyway, he will say, as a favour to you do you want me to get some school snacks from the supermarket for the children, I appreciate him doing this but told him it is not a favour to me, it as a shared family goal, he says no it is a favour because those things are my job, because I don't work full time or earn as much as he.
I feel so upset, and annoyed by this idea that he is doing me a favour when he does something to help his won children.

OP posts:

Rarity75 · 27/02/2018 21:15

Oh OP did you ever discuss roles and shared chores before having children? What was his childhood like? Is his dm a SAHM?

This pisses me off so much. Women are valuable, end of. Men are also valuable. But when a mans basic understanding of life means that women bear the brunt of the grunt work then they are misogynistic twunts. And they are legion!

You will be the emotional bedrock of your children’s lives. The question is if you are happy to model this relationship as a norm for them. Because history repeats itself.

He isn’t going to change. This is who he is. The real question is can you live, respect, laugh and have joy with someone who feels essentially he and his needs are more important then yours?

Rarity75 · 27/02/2018 21:18

And do you love him? As he is without a fairy tale of what he could be if only he would change. Because he isn’t going too probably until it’s far too late and then it’ll be lip service to keep you in the role he has assigned to you. Housewife who happens to work (but not as hard as I do).

Shadow666 · 27/02/2018 21:24

He can do more at the house now though but he doesn’t want to, so I suspect any changes you make won’t change that. What does he do at the weekend? Does he clean, cook meals, do laundry? That’s how I spend my weekends. It seems he sees these jobs as women’s work. Just because you work hard doesn’t mean you get to opt out of family life.

Turkkadin · 27/02/2018 21:25

He behaves like this because he can. You have accepted his awful attitude towards you for 15 years! Why would he change when his behaviour is so advantageous for him? Why you have been acting like a bloody slave for all these years is a mystery. Could you not even negotiate a cleaner?
By pointing out every time he lifts a finger at home and calling it a favour that he is very benevolently doing you is reminding you of your place. Don't you dare forget how fortunate you are because if you do forget you might get a sense of power and independence. Why would he want that? He doesn't want you to change and he will hinder any attempt if you do. He sounds a miserable humourless asshole.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2018 21:32

Maybe you should counter than with if you split up he would have a lot to do at his home

Can you afford to easily split?

SciFiFan2015 · 27/02/2018 22:01

My DH used to stay stuff like "I've loaded the washing machine for you", "I've hoovered for you". I had to say to him every single time "you aren't doing it for me - you're doing it because it's a job that needs done in the household of which you are a part - what would you do if I was dead?" (Disclaimer my Mum died when I was 8 - this is always on my mind!)
It's worked. (Mostly - occasional lapses)
You have to say something every time.

Now our DC are getting older they too know that they have a responsibility to do things to keep the household running.

Teamwork blah blah blah!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2018 22:15

Move to Belgium? Oh God, do NOT make yourself 100% financially dependent on him!

Thewindsofchange · 27/02/2018 22:18

The other day Dh said 'you're lucky I do the laundry'. Lucky!!
I went a bit ballistic and said something along the lines of 'maybe you're lucky that I also work and bring money in so you're not solely responsible for funding the house/dc'.
I'm part time but I only work 3 hours less that Dh but earn more. But apparently I'm 'lucky' he helps me with the laundry!! it's great that he helps but dammed if I'm going to feel lucky at that.

newcarsmell · 27/02/2018 22:33

He's a misogynistic prick. Leave him. He's doing fuck all in looking after his own children.

yetmorecrap · 27/02/2018 23:25

i am amazed at the number of guys who want 2 incomes but seem to then feel the wife gas a job plus all the housework and they just have the job.

yetmorecrap · 27/02/2018 23:29

I have worked with a few of these alpha male arses, I have a feeling he is probably a bit of an arrogant arse too , if he is a high earner I would tell him to sod off and get the maintanance etc and find someone easier going or not bother at all and stay single!!

newcarsmell · 28/02/2018 00:00

@yetmorecrap me too. I really don't understand 'we both work but the house and kids is your job not mine'. It's so fucked up.
And who gives a shit if he earns more? If you're doing similar hours you're working just as hard, and then the house and kids on top!

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2018 00:57

I said it'll be awful for them, he said he can't help so they'll have to accept it, or if I'm so bothered then I should not work in the office. That his job is more important it pays more and he has to travel overseas every two weeks so can't help with school runs or house jobs.

Fuck me, what a prize he is.

Can’t imagine why you’re complaining - sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I mean, I’d like to live my life without a shred of human decency or responsibility to others, and children particularly don’t deserve my time, care or attention, snivelling little money-grabbers that they are, never bringing in a penny... oh, hang on though, I’m not an ABSOLUTE COCK so I don’t actually believe that

His suggestion that you might like to move abroad, quit your job and have more babies —that he doesn’t give a shit about-- is ... interesting. Oh, but hang on - it would make HIS life easier so it makes perfect sense.

If *you’re so bothered” ....

Why would you stay?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/02/2018 06:32

The thing is you can force him to do stuff one way or another but you can't change his mind set.
I was going to suggest that you do what NotTheFordType said. Text him all day, every day, each time you do something for the family/children/him.
Hi darling just to let you know I've done you a favour and dropped OUR children at school.
Hi darling just to let you know I've just got to my full time job so I can do you a favour by contributing to the family bills.
Hi darling just to let you know I've done you a favour and have put your dinner on.
Hi darling just to make you aware I've done you a favour and ordered the family shopping.
Literally every little thing you do, all day.
But.....
Then after reading your last post I have a better idea. Let him go to Belgium and earn more money. You can use it as a legitimate reason to divorce him and get a better divorce settlement. Then you can go part time and not have to do anything else for the lazy, entitled, arrogant twat.
Instead you can use the time to teach any d's how not to be a chauvanistic prick like their sperm donor, and any dd why they should use their 'df' as an example of the kind of 'man' that isn't worthy of her.

Ryder63 · 28/02/2018 07:11

The more threads like these I read, the more I think it's true that deep down, men really do hate women

AltheaorDonna · 28/02/2018 07:23

He sounds like an absolute knob. I have no idea why anyone would get or stay married to such a prize.

blackeyes72 · 28/02/2018 07:33

I do think you need to.stop doing some of this or he will think you implicitly agree that is your job to do it and you are happy with that.

Dh and I work and share everything equally, no matter who ends up earning more. At times when he is busier and travels more I have done a lot more and viceversa. We see that we are a team.

GlitterBurps · 28/02/2018 07:36

Oh god OP never move overseas with this man or be financially dependent on him.

DH and I were invited to an adults only meal when DS1 was only a few months old. He told me he would be going but I couldn’t go as i should be looking after ds and if I wanted to go it was my responsibility to find a babysitter! I ripped him apart.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2018 07:54

Moving overseas with him and putting yourself at his mercy would be the worst move you could make. He has zero respect for you or his family. He truly believes that working gives him a Get Out of Life pass. He's a weapons grade cunt. I'd have binned him yonks ago.

GameChanger01 · 28/02/2018 08:01

Alpha males are like this I should know as I work around them. They don't respect their wives and are constantly looking for affairs in the work environment. It's no wonder they think kids and domestic tasks are women's work.... they probably think they've done you a favour for having children too. The funny thing is these guys openly display these attitudes but still have no problem getting women, marrying and settling down.

I'm sorry to say but I believe some women actually seek out this type of man and when they learn what he is truly like realise there is more to a relationship than having a high earning/achieving husband.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2018 08:14

no wannabe alpha males are like this the awful arrogant ones

Angelf1sh · 28/02/2018 08:14

I’ll say it again, I would not be married to a man with that little respect for me. I don’t for the life of me understand why you are. He’s told you that you and the kids are unimportant to him, outside you doing the washing and cooking him dinner (and let’s face it, he could pay someone to do that). Why do you think so little of yourself that you do nothing about that?

BareBum · 28/02/2018 08:25

Do not give up your job. He’ll think he’s head of the family or something equally Neanderthal if you do that. And you will have no independence.

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