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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband doing me a favour, when he feeds our children! Really?!

98 replies

WishfulWanderer · 26/02/2018 23:20

What do you do in your house? And What do you think of this:
My DH constantly says/thinks he is doing me a favour when on the rare occasion he picks up our children from school, or cooks dinner for them, or does something else I usually do. We both work full time, but I leave the office early to do school runs, dinner, bath, bedtime he does, lunches etc, and then log on to finish the rest of my work till late into the night. But because I am not in work all day long he says I don't work full-time which infuriates me. Anyway, he will say, as a favour to you do you want me to get some school snacks from the supermarket for the children, I appreciate him doing this but told him it is not a favour to me, it as a shared family goal, he says no it is a favour because those things are my job, because I don't work full time or earn as much as he.
I feel so upset, and annoyed by this idea that he is doing me a favour when he does something to help his won children.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 27/02/2018 07:38

Why are doing everything - divide it all up between you!

Babyblues052 · 27/02/2018 07:42

What an arse. Go on strike and do nothing so he see how much of a "favour" you do him

lottiegarbanzo · 27/02/2018 07:54

Well, he's not actually going to change his attitude because he's a die-hard sexist knob who not only believes deep-down, but is also quite happy to express openly, that he believes looking after home and children is women's work.

But, before you decide what to do about living like that for the rest of your life you could have some fun by constantly telling him you've 'done him a favour by doing x, y, z for his children' today, saying 'a and b need doing this evening, you do a I'll do b?' etc.

You should challenge him on the full time work point - what does your contract say? How many hours a week do you work? plus commute? He will have excuses ready though, his commute will be longer, his work harder and more pressured and, if he earns more, he'll feel he holds a trump card. 'Me breadwinner, you housekeeper'.

How about saying 'ok, this isn't working for me, work needs me to do standard hours for a bit and I need time off in the evening to go to the gym, see my friends etc. So, since we'll both be out for the same hours, we need to divide the housework evenly. Here's a list, which jobs do you want?

He'll tell you to challenge your work, go part time etc so you can continue to serve him at home. You'll be even clearer about where you stand and how important your well-being and enjoyment of life is to the man who is supposed to (and may even claim to?) love you.

FrozenMargarita17 · 27/02/2018 07:57

He sounds like a prize cunt!

CobaltRose · 27/02/2018 08:01

What an utter idiot. He's acting like he deserves a medal for doing what any father would do!

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 27/02/2018 08:08

He is indeed an arse.

When you fall into roles like this it can work, it's vaguely similar in our house and happened because I was a sahm who just taught evening classes for 8 years and then upped my work gradually. However it only works if you respect one another and the fact that earning less and working flexibly is done for the family at a cost career wise to you, it's not the easy cop out.

The one who gets their career prioritised and the easy family life has to appreciate what the juggling partner does and respect them for it and pull their weight when necessary, knowing that they are lucky to be getting away without doing so more than half the time.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 27/02/2018 08:12

He has definitely crossed a line by saying those things - coasting domestically but knowing deep down that he's getting away with not pulling his weight isn't totally ideal, but claiming that it's all your job and that your stressful time juggling of your full time job around childcare makes you a part timer and therefore not as important as him is definitely a big stride into dick head space.

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2018 08:13

What do you get from being with him. I think a frank discussion is needed as to responsibilities

snabigailflagstabble · 27/02/2018 08:18

haven't a clue why you would have a baby with or continue to live with a man like this.

PastaOfMuppets · 27/02/2018 08:20

Why do you do all this? How did the situation happen?

MaverickSnoopy · 27/02/2018 08:21

Oh my. I couldn't be married to a man like that. He must have some redeeming qualities?

The next time he says you don't work full time, you point out that you have a full time contract and wouldn't be paid full time if you weren't working full time.

You have to start standing up for yourself. The way I see it, even if he agreed you were full time he would still say "well you earn less". If you earnt more but worked part time he would say "well I work more hours". You see what I mean? He would say anything to justify his laziness.

BewareOfDragons · 27/02/2018 08:25

Your husband is a dick.

Tell him you've been offered a promotion for a full time role that surprisingly pays more than his job, so you're looking forward to him taking over all the 'home' and 'kid' stuff since that is the standard he set.

Then tell him he's a dick and if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass, he can move out and pay maintenance.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2018 08:27

What a cunt. I'd stop doing FA for him. Then I'd start costing out how much better off I might be without him. He's a sexist twat who will never change.

randomquestions · 27/02/2018 08:32

Book yourself into a spa this weekend. Better still, take a good friend, book a room, make a night of it and enjoy a couple of drinks too. Let him know what time you're going and when you'll be back. That's it, no instructions, no meals left, no clothes left out for the kids. You go off and enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/02/2018 08:34

Tempting as it is to do the whole passive aggressive thing. Don't
Be clear, be firm, be consistent.
You have spent years putting up with this. Don't spend yet more years dancing around the issue with hints, strops and payback.

Tell him what you want and what will happen if things don't change. Mean it.
Tell him you know you can't force him to change his behaviour but you can change your reaction to his behaviour.

Karigan1 · 27/02/2018 08:37

Wow. How has he lived this long? I agree with the others he’s being a dick

ivykaty44 · 27/02/2018 08:39

Ask him every time you do something

Oh dh shall I clean the bathroom as a favour to you
Shall I cook you dinner as a favour to you
Shall I go to the supermarket and do you want me to get you some food as a favour to you
Shall I put your clothes in the washing machine as a favour to you
Shall I iron your shirts as a favour to you

The list of things you do particularly for him I’m sure is vast... and under appreciated

VandelayIndustries · 27/02/2018 08:48

I’d go back to work full time if I were you. It sounds like you won’t be doing more and you can use the money to either make things easier at home or to leave him. The twat.

spacepoodle · 27/02/2018 08:55

But you DO work full time. You leave the office early then log on at home to finish off. Add this to all the "favours" you do for your husband you are working every waking minute.

What exactly is he contributing to your family life, aside from gardening, taking stuff to the tip and teaching your children how to be a misogynistic prick?

I'd tell him to fuck off.

GoatMilker · 27/02/2018 08:58

I am a SAHM with 2 children in secondary school. I was waiting in for a delivery yesterday so didn't get chance to bob into the supermarket. Dh did it instead on his way home from is full time job.

He didn't make any comment about doing me a favour. He walked in the door, greeted us all, and actually took over making dinner because he is lovely and knows how lucky he is not to come home to any housework responsibilities.

Then he helped Ds1, checking over some homework that is above my maths level, asked him about his day and Ds2's days and engaged with his children.

This is what normal husbands/fathers do. They do not act like entitled teenage twats who believe that because you have a vagina you have the whole house/children responsibility.

Clearly as a SAHM I do all the house and most of the children stuff. But Dh appreciates what I do and doesn't underestimate mind numbingly boring housework/shopping/cooking is.

I would tell him that work have asked you to do all your full time hours in the office and you need to sort out him collecting the children half the week. See where you go from there.

LTS2018 · 27/02/2018 08:59

My husband was like this. It killed our relationship. I left him. Now he does closer to 50% as the kids spend about 40% of their time with him. He still doesn't understand what went wrong (apart from it being my fault).

I should never have put up with it for so long.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 27/02/2018 09:02

Vandelay she does work full time.

Her arse of a husband knows she does, but chooses to use the fact she essentially does split shifts (leaving the office early to do school runs and after school childcare and then working again all evening) to belittle her, even though he is the one benefiting by being able to just work a conventional full time job without worrying about his children at all.

The DH here is having his cake and eating it in the fullest sense - two full time incomes coming in but he gets to live as though he is supporting a sahm in return for her doing all the childcare and domestic work, and on top of that he puts his wife's contribution down and belittles her in order to convince himself he's a big swinging dick.

Nice chap

THirdEeye · 27/02/2018 09:11

There is little point in arguing with stupid…

He’ll always believe that he is —god—more important than you.

Seriously OP, why are you putting up with it?

Stop doing him favours —wife work—

kaitlinktm · 27/02/2018 09:26

Ask him why he thinks you both shouldn't have equal leisure time? Why should you work more hours than he does while he goes to the gym or whatever other shit he does.

It would be interesting to see what he says to another PP's suggestion that you tell him you have to do FT hours at the office - that would tell you what he really thinks of you.

Whatever you do, don't give up your career or do fewer hours - don't give him (what he imagines to be) more power.

He does sound deeply unpleasant though OP.

Ohyesiam · 27/02/2018 11:12

Sit down and write a list of all the stuff you do, things you manage etc.
Then write a schedule, dividing the work, paid and unpaid, equally.

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