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Original poster

Is it rape?

75 replies

Jade90 · 25/02/2018 11:59

Hi I’m new to mumsnet so unsure if I’m doing this right.
I just wanted some advice. I had an argument with my husband the other night and things got a bit heated, I asked him to leave but he refused, then he started to try and calm me down but I was so angry with him that I just wanted him to leave. He started to kiss me I kept pulling away from him I did say no but I think I only said it once, the next thing I knew we were on the kitchen floor which was really cold and uncomfortable and having sex. Did he rape me? Thank you for your time and advice in advance

OP posts:
Fishcakey · 25/02/2018 12:02

I don't think so but there will be about 200 answers that say yes he did and you must pack his bags now because he is an evil man!!!!

xLeanne128 · 25/02/2018 12:03

Do you feel it was then? X

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2018 12:05

Only you know whether he had sex with you without you wanting it do you feel he did

Houseofmirth66 · 25/02/2018 12:44

Rape is a truly terrible experience and I do believe an adult woman without any significant vulnerabilities knows whether or not it’s happened to her. I’m sorry you feel upset but if you’re not sure (and you are asking for opinions) then I think you haven’t been raped.

Original poster
Jade90 · 25/02/2018 13:21

Thank you everyone for your replies and I know it sounded a stupid question. I just feel confused about how I feel about it. It doesn't make me feel good put it that way and if it wasn't for the fact that he is my husband I would probably feel really repulsed by it. Thanks again all xxx

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/02/2018 13:31

It doesn’t need to be rape for you to feel something happened that you feel uneasy about I suspect it’s the context of arguing and then you were on the floor and uncomfortable and overpowered and he did not think of you at all

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 25/02/2018 13:49

Sorry I think it is rape. You were arguing, he tried to kiss you and you pulled away and said no. Then he had sex with you.

I’m not sure why others are saying it isn’t rape?! I’m sorry that this has happened to you. Can you confide in a friend or call rape crisis.

Littlechocola · 25/02/2018 13:52

You said no. Unless you followed that up with yes, It is rape.

category12 · 25/02/2018 14:00

If you didn't want to have sex and couldn't get him to stop, then yes it was rape. How are you feeling? You could talk to Rape Crisis.

mpeters82 · 25/02/2018 14:04

Sounds like scene out of baby boy. So not it was not rape.
Just you went a long with feeling uncomfortable

lostintheplace · 25/02/2018 14:18

Do people not know the definition of rape?

If you said no and he had sex with you without your consent then it's rape.

Only old fashioned people who have some crazy belief your husband can't rape you (hey patriarchy!) would say no.

Did you consent? If not, it is rape.
If you said no, then it's very black and white and this is rape.

tafftum · 25/02/2018 14:39

No consent = rape. Doesn't matter whether he's your husband or notThanks

VimFuego101 · 25/02/2018 14:43

I'm shocked at the earlier replies to this. If you said no, then yes, it is rape.

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2018 15:19

As you said no then it was rape
It doesn't matter if it's your husband, its still rape..

Frombothsidesnow · 25/02/2018 15:23

It's not 100% clear to me from reading your post whether the 'ended up having sex' happened without any change in how you were feeling when you said no to your husband.

I assume it did though and in that case you absolutely were raped and I'm shocked at other posters. You said no to sex and it happened anyway. You poor thing. How are you feeling today and how has your husband been?

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 15:29

You said no,it was rape. It's really that simple...

Unless between the no and the floor you jumped him and proposed wild monkey sex.

Belindabauer · 25/02/2018 15:32

Why did he start kissing you in the middle of a furious row which was so bad you asked him to leave the family home?

Did your husband know that you didn't agree to sex? If so then he raped you.

ferando81 · 25/02/2018 16:19

I would be troubled by two things
Why would you only say "no " only once?If I didn't want sex my partner would certainly hear me saying no and if he ignored me I would certainly repeat myself and know without doubt I was raped.
"The next thing I knew"is very vague .Did you reciprocate after saying no ?Responding favourably to his sexual advances therefore giving mixed messages
If you didn't then it's rape but only you will know that

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 16:20

She says no,he stops. That's the way it should always be and it would stop all this guesswork and what ifs just in case he has an excuse. Hmm

Frombothsidesnow · 25/02/2018 16:29

Ferando, some women are raped without even saying 'no' once. Your post victim blames.

When we are in dangerous situations a common response is to freeze or disassociate. Both of these reactions can cause a woman to stay silent or make what you might consider a cursory attempt to say no. No means no. Struggling or going limp means no. Anything but an enthusiastic response should mean no.

Silencing a partner with whom you are arguing and who is telling you to leave by kissing them is a power move, not a move motivated by respect or love.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 25/02/2018 16:52

You shouldn’t have to tell someone again and again that you don’t want sex. Once is enough. And even not saying no verbally but with body language like the op did also by pulling away is enough.

I’m not sure what sex other people that have answered are having but if I was having an argument with my husband that is no kind of foreplay.

Everything about the whole situation sounds off and if it’s sounds normal to you then maybe you should think about that.

Lots of victim blaming posts on here, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

YetAnotherUser · 25/02/2018 17:03

You said no, it happened anyway.

That's rape.

Unless you changed your mind, then yes it is definitely rape. Cannot understand how other people don't see that, and I'm a man...

Original poster
Jade90 · 25/02/2018 22:08

Thank you everyone for all your advice and words of support I truly am so grateful for you kind strangers. My husband left that night and we haven't spoken since and quite honestly I don't really want to talk to him. I think this is the end of the relationship for us. Something has changed that I don't think can be fixed after this. Thank u again to all of you xxx

OP posts:
KnittedBobbleHat · 25/02/2018 22:12

What the fuck is with these rape apologists?

ThisLittleKitty · 26/02/2018 09:39

I don't get this either. How is this not rape. You said no!!!