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Original poster

Is it rape?

75 replies

Jade90 · 25/02/2018 11:59

Hi I’m new to mumsnet so unsure if I’m doing this right.
I just wanted some advice. I had an argument with my husband the other night and things got a bit heated, I asked him to leave but he refused, then he started to try and calm me down but I was so angry with him that I just wanted him to leave. He started to kiss me I kept pulling away from him I did say no but I think I only said it once, the next thing I knew we were on the kitchen floor which was really cold and uncomfortable and having sex. Did he rape me? Thank you for your time and advice in advance

OP posts:
Frombothsidesnow · 26/02/2018 09:57

I'm very pleased that he's gone, Jade. Are you OK? Give Rape Crisis or Women's Aid a call to talk about this. It's been a huge and distressing shock and you need some support.

Original poster
Jade90 · 26/02/2018 12:13

Thank you Frombothsidesnow for your support and to everyone again. I feel like I'm coping ok I'm just still a bit shocked and then also the fact that this is the end of my marriage, we only got married 18momths ago so its depressing to me on so many levels xx

OP posts:
BeauxReves · 26/02/2018 18:29

I’m really shocked and saddened by some of these responses. There was no consent, shown by the fact you said no and tried to pull away. He carried on anyway. Therefore it is rape. As others have said you don’t have to say no for it to be rape. It’s very common to completely freeze.

Please do try calling rape crisis if you need some support. It’s a lot to take in and come to terms with.

Original poster
Jade90 · 26/02/2018 20:50

Thank you Beauxreves for your supportive words I can't thank you and some of the people on here enough for ther kind words it has been really helpful to me at this time xxx

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 13:37

It's not like each time before sex people consent formally. They reciprocate or they don't reciprocate.

Is he abusive? Did he do that before?

You asked him to leave, he refused.

I know a woman who in similar circumstances tried to play domestic violence card to call the police and have her husband arrested.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 13:39

Would you be willing to report him for rape?

Frombothsidesnow · 27/02/2018 13:48

I know a woman who in similar circumstances tried to play domestic violence card to call the police and have her husband arrested.

What similar circumstances would they be? The ones where her husband refused to leave and then started kissing her to shut her up?

RebelRogue · 27/02/2018 16:09

@tropicalwaterdiver so she said no,he kept going? Sorry but that's a crime and it should be reported to the police.

Bexter801 · 27/02/2018 16:20

If you feel strongly enough that you want to Leave your husband,because things have changed so drastically over the other night,then I think you've answered your own question. Also if he was trying to calm you down,and he doesn't think the sex was unwanted on your part,why did he leave afterwards,and no contact since.

UnimaginativeUsername · 27/02/2018 16:21

Rape is a truly terrible experience and I do believe an adult woman without any significant vulnerabilities knows whether or not it’s happened to her. I’m sorry you feel upset but if you’re not sure (and you are asking for opinions) then I think you haven’t been raped.

Actually several of the responses on this thread are very good illustrations of why it can be difficult for women in relationships to realise that they’re being raped or sexually abused.

It’s also why women are often reluctant to call it what it is. Because, well, they should have fought back. Or they didn’t say ‘no’ properly. Or they’re just some evil harpy wanting to brand a poor innocent man who just wanted to have sex with his partner as a criminal. And so on.

It’s all so very depressing.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 27/02/2018 16:28

Some of these replies are absolutely heartbreaking. Yes it’s rape. Do we really need to question this, really?? It’s confusing and frightening enough for the poor women, without people accusing her of exaggerating or overdramatising. No wonder so few women come forward when this is the response they get from what is meant to be a supportive environment. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

OP, whatever you’re feeling right now is ok. It might feel like you’re fine just now, but you’ve had a huge shock and it might take some time for your body and your mind to process. Just know that whatever you need to do right now is ok, what your husband did to you was a criminal offence and whatever anyone says or implies, it was not your fault xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 27/02/2018 16:29

Why would you only say "no " only once?

Once should be fucking sufficient! In fact pulling away, which she also did, should be. In actual fact a lack of enthusiastic consent should be.

I am becoming more and more convinced that there is a campaign to make MN unsafe for women. The second a thread is posted about certain topics, rape is one, up pop a bunch of woman-hating, misogynistic apologists for male violence.

OP he sounds vile. Please contact Rape Crisis if you need supper.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 27/02/2018 16:36

And to the person who said if you’re not sure you consented then it’s not rape, it doesn’t work like that. Consent is an active choice. If you don’t know whether you consented, then you didn’t. And if the op didn’t know whether her actions constituted consent or not, he certainly didn’t, and he had intercourse with her anyway. Which is, by definition, rape.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 16:49

@RebelRogue so she said no,he kept going? Sorry but that's a crime and it should be reported to the police.

That's what I asked - if she was willing to report him to police.

starryeyed19 · 27/02/2018 17:01

Did you want to have sex with him? That's the only question you need to ask. Am incredibly surprised at some of the responses on this thread.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 17:02

@Frombothsidesnow What similar circumstances would they be? The ones where her husband refused to leave and then started kissing her to shut her up?

Kissing, not raping... not to shut her up but to calm her down - it's a big difference.

The situation is similar as mentioned couple had a fight, the guy was drinking and his wife was very angry at him and asked him to leave. He refused. She escalated situation and run on the street screaming that he was killing her. I heard the story from 2 sides. And in their case I am sure she staged the whole DV thing.

Frombothsidesnow · 27/02/2018 17:12

Tropical, if you're very angry and asking someone to leave you alone, would being kissed by them 'calm you down'? I'd be fucking furious.

If a man is drinking, fighting with me and refusing to leave the house, then I'd think that calling the police was an entirely justifiable reaction personally. If the husband in your case can't understand why his wife called them, he should think about his behaviour.

RebelRogue · 27/02/2018 17:24

He kissed her to calm her down? Really?
Whatever happened to a cup of tea?

RebelRogue · 27/02/2018 17:34

@tropicalwaterdiver wether OP wants to report it or not is entirely up to her. Given the attitude towards sexual assault and rape in this country,as evidenced by this thread, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. She doesn't owe anyone anything,she owes it to herself to move on with her life the way it's best for her.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 18:59

Nobody blames rape victims here, don't exaggerate.

The question was if she reciprocated after she initially said no.

From wiki: Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent.

Was physical force, coercion or abuse of authority used in OP case? If yes, then the answer is clear - it was rape.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 27/02/2018 19:15

@tropicalwaterdiver are you hard of reading? Lack of consent is all that is required, not violence or coercion.

tropicalwaterdiver · 27/02/2018 19:17

@UnimaginativeUsername Actually several of the responses on this thread are very good illustrations of why it can be difficult for women in relationships to realise that they’re being raped or sexually abused.

Maybe you are right. Or maybe women recognise but some choose to put up with it.

OP didn't mention any previous abuse/rape - either she didn't recognised it or it didn't take place .

UnimaginativeUsername · 27/02/2018 19:22

Maybe some women choose to stay (because real life I’d difficukt and complicated).

But a woman posted on here asking if she had been raped when her partner forced a kiss on her after she’d told him to leave and had sex with her after she’d said no and she received replies like:

I don't think so but there will be about 200 answers that say yes he did and you must pack his bags now because he is an evil man!!!!

Sounds like scene out of baby boy. So not it was not rape. Just you went a long with feeling uncomfortable

Why would you only say "no " only once

Etc.

RebelRogue · 27/02/2018 19:23

OP didn't mention any previous abuse/rape - either she didn't recognised it or it didn't take place .

And? Once is enough.
Rape is penetration without consent. She didn't consent. She said no. She pulled away.

diodati · 27/02/2018 19:27

I'm so sorry! What a dreadful experience. If you said no, tried to resist, then it was rape.