Anyone with raging husband who changes

[feelused]

Will post my story soon, but is there anyone here with a husband who has major rage, paranoia and insecurity issues that got help and improved?

He was not always like this. I believe its a result of his ex-wife cheating... (not excusing completely shitting behavior)

Am dying here and have left home at the moment... just don't know what path to take. Love him like crazy and so does he (take out the crazy rage - completely no fault ones )

My first husband was like this and no matter how I tried to reassure/placate him, whatever I did was never quite good enough. But i appreciate that your DH isn't my DH. I would suggest that you make him get some kind of help through therapy and you need to set up and stick to some kind of ultimatum that if he continues his rages, you're gone.

Have a read of 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft.

Sadly my ragey ex didn't change. I think he's a bit calmer as a single person. A bit anyway.

No, it only got worse, no matter how much i adjusted my behaviour.

It doesn’t change - I’d also ready the Verbally abusive relationship by Pat Evans

If it doesn’t apply- it won’t hurt, however I think you may find it interesting

It won’t change. He won’t change. It’s not your fault.

Why do you think that he was not always like this? Do you think it may be the reason his ex wife wanted to get out of the relationship? I think "exit affairs" are quite common when trying to get out of an abusive relationship. It's very hard to get out without the support of a 3rd party.

Blaming his ex? No. He will have been like this with her. Don't believe that bullshit. Don't get sucked in to the excuses. No excuse to be a raging bully. Hes abusive.

By the way I'm glad you've left him for the moment. I would stay away for a while so you can process the truth of the man. Put up some boundries and mean it.

There’s nothing you can to for this, changing your behaviour to appease his moods will make him worse not better.
If it’s affecting life that much he should look to go to counselling if he doesn’t want to go or address these issues in another constructive way then there can’t be much of a future for you.

DHs who are apt to rage never start that way.

When they do start, they tend to blame it on their ex, their mother, their terrible childhood, stress at work, MH problems, or you. These are typically just excuses for abuse.

I don’t know the history here of course, but ‘the ex cheated’ sometimes means he just thinks they did. You mentioned paranoia and insecurity: does he accuse you of cheating?

I’d agree with the recommendations of previous posters. Also look out for a TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner on Crazy Love, or Why Doesn’t She Leave.

Oh OP you are describing me EX, sadly I also think it only gets worse. Unless he can seek help, but in my experience they tend blame everyone else for their actions and there is nothing you can do appease them

Nope
He won't change, it'll just get worse
Ltb

I had one of these. Lasted 17 years.?i should have protected my children from the rages and left but I didn’t and they will be the biggest regret of my life.
There’s always something/one to blame instead of looking at their behaviour.
If I had my time again I would have left after the first one.

major rage, paranoia and insecurity issues

These are serious problems and unless his "condition" is diagnosed it can't accurately be treated.That is why men such as him don't change.If it's a personality disorder there is no current proven treatment.Perhaps therapy but its not yet proven.

paranoia isn't caused by one ex as emotionally healthy people have insight and they can usually trust again.Dont fall for this.

I would question how you can really love someone with such traits, unless you feel this is all you deserve?

You are making the classic mistake of the abused person of thinking that it is your role to understand him, to understand why he is like this. It is a type of Stockholm Syndrome.

It isn't, and it can never, ever be the role for the person towards whom the abuse (or 'rage' in your case) is directed. This is a job for a completely objective professional only.

Your role is to look to your boundaries and find what you want in a relationship, what you need for your mental and physical health and well being. If you cannot do this, then you need to seek out professional help yourself.

I would get-out as fast as possible
Dont excuse his behaviour... People get cheated on here all the time and they don't turn into abusive partners...

his ex is not responsible for his behaviour.

It’ll only get worse OP. These people (men and woman) will always punish the future for the past. Unless they accept their issues and want to change and then it needs therapy.

I had one. I could never understand how he could be ragey one minute, and serene right after.

Thankfully, he left.

So I no longer dwell in how on earth he managed to switch moods so readily. All I ever knew was it was "my fault". Then, I read Lundy Bancroft's chapter on Mr Angry.

My home no longer is a carpet of egg-shells. I am no longer a nervous wreck.

I have no doubt he still tells everyone I am to blame...

...but I am no longer responsible. Nor do I now believe I have to appease angry people. I am no-one's verbal punch-bag.

Because angry people choose who to take it out on. They don't treat their bosses like their spouses. They bitch endlessly about their bosses though.

Funny that!

There might be a reason your husband is so angry, but you are not responsible for managing it.

You have to stop analysing and instead, be objective.

Would YOU treat someone like that?

If not then you need to question whether your behaviour is like a beaten dog who cowers and tries to be submissive and as loving as possible to the abuser in order to get the beating to stop.

The raging unhinged lunatic of a man or woman who CHOOSES to behave like this (ie never to an equal, a boss or a stranger) is exercising his/her power to get an effect and uses this power as a warning or to intimidate.

The victim is nearly always weaker/unequal/lower in status in the eyes of the perpetrator. They get away with menacing behaviour because they choose soft targets.

Judge a person by their dark side: how do they behave when things go wrong? or when they are drunk/tired/stressed? That will tell you much much more than their charming/kind/thoughtful side.

Thank you ladies. He doesn't blame his ex for his behavior. I see it that way. I know from people I would trust that he may have been self centered at times but he wasn't like this. I also know that the girl friend he had after his divorce, before we met he had the same rage issues.

Its only because I have guaranteed information that he wasn't like this that I want to help.

I know everything that you re saying is right.

I have had about 100 times (really really not exaggerating) the shit he has had in life. Perhaps 1000 times, I don't treat anybody like that.

He is very much trusting of me - and then there is a day where he sees a dress in my wardrobe that looks similar to his ex and he flips like rages, breaks stuff and triggers like that screaming stuff like she used to wear dresses like that... or another day we could be intimate and I may ask for a kiss say on the neck and suddenly he has raged and raged that he can't keep me happy (!) - I take care of him sexually every day and several times a day...this is me asking for something once in a couple of weeks... it somehow looks like a trigger. He can be very loving and normal otherwise.

He has even sat in a wardrobe once banging his head and hands (because I had a surprise booked for us at a romantic getaway and he lost it because he can't handle uncertainty :( - he raged for about 6 hours :'(

I really don't want to just let him go.

I left the whole world for him (long story) am in a new country and know few people here - I have no income as such now and have gone from a well off business person to almost homeless.

He's paying for the place I am staying in right now. He has said over and over that he misses me. I don't see him truly recognizing what he has done/did.

I am listening very carefully to what each of you are saying. If he agrees to get help and start getting help...I might melt and go back though. I see him as an innocent child. He is emotionally immature and can't handle any complex emotions. Maybe the social embarrassment of this second marriage breaking is holding me back too :(

Your messages are really helping. My first marriage I put up with many years of mild abuse before marriage and serious abuse, very serious abuse (this is nothing) for endless years perhaps about 18 years in total.

I had posted anon on a forum like this and it incredible how I found the courage to get a divorce and see things for what they are. Please do reply and I would really appreciate keeping in mind that he was not raging like this at all in his previous marriage and its not him who says his behavior is due to the ex cheating - I see us having a completely normal day so much in love and the trigger is positively or negatively related to his ex... and off he goes.

Please help I am shattered.

Either he is emotionally a child - in which case you cannot have an adult relationship with him (and why would you want to have sex with a 'child' urgh), or, he isn't, he's an adult who is responsible for his own behaviour.

Can you get help from family to get back home? The man needs help you can’t give. I have an ex and I just left a relationship with a controlling man. I think I’m the type they look for! Anyway my ex remarried and seems he never has changed. They are divorced. I don’t see him changing. I think some people have wounds and mental health issues that we just can’t understand why or how hard it is for them to change.

My exh was like this.

Uncontrollable rage with the flip of a switch, hitting himself, screaming, throwing things, breaking things. The slightest thing would set him off.

He showed absolutely no signs of anything wrong with his behaviour for 3years before we married.
He scared the living daylights out of me! Then wanted to hug me and cry and rant for hours and hours.

I had to leave when he became really violent and caused me a number of injuries in a short space of time because I told him he needed help and he did not like that at all.

Everything was my fault...I was the one doing things wrong and making him angry. I was so traumatised I thought I was going mad. I still have nightmares years later.
He destroyed any optimism for the future.
As a result of that relationship I will never have another one again.

I hope you can get in touch with your family and they can help you get back to them where you will be safe.

OMG

You have zero sense of self preservation.

You are putting yourself in grave danger but you don't even see it.

Your bar to what is acceptable behaviour is so low this is frightening.

But you don't see it so it won't matter what we say because you are deluded and in denial.

I am listening believe me.

I don't have family who can help me get out of here... I have kids in another country young ones, fortunately they had not moved yet.

The validation that this is crazy and not what I should tolerate is important. Thank you all so much.

Its taken a lot of courage to leave the house, so I must see something.

I find myself not taking the first step to fling divorce, and leaving it up to him...I see that I should not be putting up with this regardless of why he is doing it.

My terribly painful past - cruel abusive parents, first relationship that I ended up marrying so abusive that I ended up even losing my memory. I don't project any of those pains on him, I am the best wife I can be. As an otherwise functioning adult there is no excuse.

I will post on here with an update. Please feel free to keep telling me that I must be insane to have stayed. I am reading every word carefully and seeing the need to self-preserve even if I feel like ending my life. My daughters completely need me and I can get back to being the successful international business person I was to sustain financially.