Anyone with raging husband who changes

[feelused]

Will post my story soon, but is there anyone here with a husband who has major rage, paranoia and insecurity issues that got help and improved?

He was not always like this. I believe its a result of his ex-wife cheating... (not excusing completely shitting behavior)

Am dying here and have left home at the moment... just don't know what path to take. Love him like crazy and so does he (take out the crazy rage - completely no fault ones )

Putting your dds first so that they don't follow your example in choosing unsuitable male role models in life is the most important gift you can give them.

Thank god you have got out.

Do not even think of introducing your dds to this world of madness unless you want to damage them irrepairably.

Is there a way you can get money off him even if you have to lie to do so?

Could you feign an emergency of some kind which gets you home?

If you don't think that is safe may be you can go to the embassy and ask for their help?

Your dds are your reason why you WILL get out of this nightmare.

You need to replace any thought of retraining to become a psychiatrist/therapist/mental health nurse for this psycho (as that is what you'll have to do in order to stay and help him and even then I wouldn't recommend it without police back up) and get back to being a hands on mother to your dds who didn't ask or deserve to have their lives ruined by your mess/ bad choices in life.

You had the instinct to leave so well done. You have to stay away for good now which is perhaps harder.

Good luck

@fluffyrobin when I started considering dating again after my previous divorce - the first thing on my checklist was is he a good role model for my daughters and if I would be okay if my daughter married someone like the one I would marry. I was so careful, I let go of people after first, second dates if I saw the slightest anger issues (apart from any other issue)...

The 3 people I had relationships with after my divorce all wanted to marry but were not good enough role models I felt... all of them though when there were issues we could have rational conversations..

Then met my husband, was taken aback with his type of faithfulness, I could see he would never ever cheat. He has a rare honesty about him and he won't even tell a white lie. I don't know how I let this happen, there were good glimpses of possible rage issues while dating, I was just so taken by his honesty, committed nature, commitment to our relationship and remember telling myself that for once I meet someone not battling with depression or complicated mental health issues. (Had seen too many lying men, friend's husbands, etc and the honesty thing overshadowed the anger).

Only to find myself where I am. He is still honest, still committed, still faithful, fantastic sense of humor, what point is there when I am working on egg shells with his irrational rage.

Its complex but I don't have a home any more in any country. Gathering enough money for a flight is not the issue. Going back to old country is getting back into a cycle of abuse of my ex husband, as I gave up the business and have nothing left now. He has BPD that remains untreated. Going back would finish me and my girls.

I am going to stay in this new country and build life again and get my daughters here. Have a life of respect in it, I will have to learn to live without 'love' if required - the kind that comes with disrespect I don't need any more.

I have since called the help line for free legal service and reached out to people I know here - they have opened doors for me. Both my friends in country said I can come live with their family for a few months and they will happily work on a new business with me or help in their businesses so I can get independent.

All your posts have given me courage and I hope I have enough to not go back if he breaks down at time of divorce, for the sake of my girls, if not myself.

Friends are typically diplomatic with advice ... this anon help is the wake up call I needed. I have read each post at least twice.

I'm glad you have friends you can stay with

Stay strong in your decision to end things; he sounds really horrible to live with. Has he been violent to you? He sounds like he potentially could be even if he hasn't yet.

Think of the relationship you would want for your daughters when they're older as well. If you wouldn't want them to accept this anger and abuse then you shouldn't either.

I tried for 10 years but finally threw the towel in. He actually got worse the further into the relationship we got. It was almost like the more comfortable and secure he felt with me the more his jealousy and insecurity came out

Well done on taking steps to get away.
It's not OK.
He IS abusive.
In the UK I would recommend you call Womens Aid.
Not sure if they have an equivalent where you are but google and see if there is anything local to you.
In the mean-time, please go on Amazon and order 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.
You will find your abusive husband in there.

Op your latest post gives me great hope.

Please don't jeopardise your future or your dd's future with trying to add a man into the mix when you judgement of men is so impaired it is tragic.

It sounds as if you have good business acumen to have run a successful business but you let yourself down time and time again in your poor choices of partner.

You NEVER ignore a red flag for starters.

It doesn't matter how nice they are. It is ALWAYS the dark side that tells you the truth about a person, even if you only get glimmers of it.

I have friends who have unwittingly made bad choices in life partners who have vowed to put their dc first and not date again until their dc have left home.

I think that self sacrifice for a few years in order to give a stable, safe and peaceful home life to your very vulnerable young dds is worth doing don't you think?

Sign yourself up to the Freedom programme (apparently you can access it online if you're outside the UK) and allow your lovely friends to house and help you.

Good luck

6 hours raging in a wardrobe isn't normal.
I am sure you see that.
You can't fix him.
Keep away focus on You and dd s

Thank you ladies. I have ordered the book you have suggested.

Am very shattered today and it is incredibly painful to do this despite his crazy rage. We were a couple and when the triggers to rage didn't happen we were this couple who spent most of 24/7 together, touching, holding and taking care of each other.

I am trying to check what you mentioned @fluffy and have now got free legal advice appointment booked. Also, booking therapy as I am in bad shape.

I hope the book provides some answers - but in his specific case I do think a lot of the rage is PTSD as the triggers I saw were ex related. If he owned up the problem it would have been a different situation and I would support him through treatment.

I am trying to preserve and hoping therapy helps.

I have started reading the preview of the book online till my book gets here in two days.

Its great support to hear other women using the same words and helps with perspective.

I know my emotions are based on my flawed thinking as a die hard empath, I am feeling sorry for serial killers even and of course sorry for their victims too...

Because of this - I am simply listening to advise for a change. I spent too many years in an abusive marriage before - that I should not have got in the first place. This time around am glad I am doing something within months of shit really hitting the fan.

I am going to read all your posts again now. There's some pearls of wisdom, the kind I would give when its not me in the situation! Painful how we get so blinded when we are in it ourselves.

Third parties are not emotionally invested and not enjoying the good times so perspective on how serious the abuse is can be spot on.

You are doing the same as he is - blaming his ex. No matter what you say, you get back around to blaming another woman for his rage. You've even linked the suggestion of a good insightful book to read with 'but in his case I do think it's ex related'.

Live with me and know me' is a good saying - the people who told you he wasn't like this before, were not in a relationship with him. They didn't see the real him. You weren't even there yet your every paragraph is blaming a woman I've little doubt is glad to be rid of this nuisance of a man. Good times with a man don't make up for his rages do they, relationships are about more than that.

So one ex had an affair, the other was given to rages - but you somehow don't think he was the common denominator? If you do decide to leave him then to whoever he meets next you'll be the crazy ex responsible for his rages too.

Do the right thing for your sake and your daughters sake. They're going to grow into women with memories of this skewered dynamic where a man's rage is forever a woman's fault. It won't do them any good in life.

Your man is uncouth and abusive. & entitled with it, too. It'll always be a woman's fault. Awful.

Ex bf turned out like this. I discovered at the end that he had a raging coke habit. Tbf I’d suspected but he always had a ‘good ‘ story (truth is, I was gullible and naive).

Empathising with people is not the same thing as self-sacrifice. Your ability to empathise is not improved by prostrating yourself before people and asking them to wipe their feet on you.

It is entirely possible to empathise from a safe distance. Indeed, it is the sensible, responsible, grown-up thing to do, as it allows you to survive to empathise another day.

For all your empathy, you seem to lack insight. Into yourself, your needs, other people's behaviour and the effect this has on you.

I think you need to develop a better idea of your own needs and wants and recognise that you need to stay healthy and happy in order to be any use to yourself or to anyone else.

Books may help. Counselling might too.

You seem to see yourself as a self-sacrificing 'rescuer'. But you don't have the insight and skills necessary to rescue people.

I also wonder whether your partner's extreme truth-telling is actually a manifestation of something else - total lack of inhibition about stating what he wants and an expectation of getting it. I'm getting speculative here but my experience of people who cannot tell lies or keep secrets is that they are extremely up-front about their own wants and are constantly surprised, or just reject the idea, that other people don't want the same things or agree with their point of view. They lack fully developed theory of mind - so ability to empathise. They are not necessarily bad people, they can be kind people on their own terms. They can also be very focused and successful at work. They do tend to throw their toys out of the pram, or become extremely manipulative if they don't get what they want.

Jesus Christ OP this is no way to live. The sex stuff alone is reason enough to leave. You give him what he wants several times a day, then when you want something he has a rage! Unbelievable. And you certainly can't bring children into this toxic situation. Who is looking after them now?
There are plenty of truly good men out there you know. You don't have to endure this horror.

Op, can I ask what happens at work and socially when these triggers happen and he goes into rages ?

So at work when he sees woman wearing a dress that reminds him of his ex, what happens when he has a tantrum for 6 hours ? What do his colleagues and clients do ?

Does he hide in the cupboard at work ?

Whenever he’s out with his mates and there is uncertainly ( shall we go to this pub or that pub ? ) , how do they cope when he breaks things and screams abuse at them ?

I’m guessing he’s beeen arrested or committed to hospital many times?

Ptsd because his wife cheated?
Is that a joke?
If that is serious then stay away til he gets treatment....

...however yes your own MH will suffer if you stay.
But cured by leaving and some therapy of your own.

Just for clarification to some comments here - he has himself never blamed his ex for his rage. I am not blaming her in anyway either...she would have her reasons for cheating

Completely not blaming another woman. I am talking about the episode being a trigger. I know from his ex wife that he never raged till at the end where the cheating happened and even then it was never the way now. I know from his ex girlfriend (after divorce but before meeting me) that he raged similarly on the same triggers.

Triggers are different for different people and I do truly believe its anything relating to that he rages. He has never said he is raging because of her - he does rage saying you dress like her, I didn't know you are her, you will end up becoming her etc...sound crazy and then he is a completely normal person at other times and if he heard someone speak like that he would wonder at the madness!

He stopped socializing after the divorce and for those who asked what would happen at work - he runs his own and believe me it could be at work if there's a trigger his ex related he will maybe not rage there - maybe say something, break a small thing storm out and rage on his own in the car and leave work.

he has broken stuff in his office too and I have spoken to family and even his kids and everybody said the same - this happened after the divorce he went into a shell for almost a year - barely spoke and then this new him came out. Apparently as per what I learnt from his ex via his daughter is he didn't even get angry on anything for years - let alone rage.

Someone asked how does he handled when mates ask should we go to this pub or that...its the same. So if they friend has it all preplanned and everybody is on time its okay, if they change plans he just leaves and gets really annoyed. We had a dinner of a few couples recently (2nd social thing we have ever done) and because two couples cancelled last minute he was sweating and having anxieties. I got him to calm and he eventually learnt that one couple were really ill with the flu and he realized that he had overreacted (thankfully not in front of the others - he was sweating etc when the whatsapp message came).

I genuinely believe its some form of PTSD, anxiety, mania. paranoia or combination that started or was triggered with episodes around his divorce,

Like those who abuse he generally blames each situation. The times he knows its him - his solution is to simply cut off from humans... he cut off from almost everyone after his divorce.

I can't help care about him and agreed divorce terms today and my condition to make it uncontested financially easy and no mention of abuse, was if he gets mental help at a doctor of my choosing - I found a specialist after asking around who handles this sort of thing. The doctor gave me some time today and she would take him on - she has no slots for months but is going to see what he can do.

I also got a childhood friend enlisted and told them about what is happening - that friend was very close to him (before his divorce and he too doesn't recognize what happened to him now) - he has promised to get DH mental health help and support.

I am struggling with the trauma and have had cPTSD due to my childhood and pre marriage. I took years to get back...

I cannot risk it again...Have booked therapy for myself and looking for earlier appointments.

I definitely was not supposed to be where I am. I took 8 years to remarry and didn't make any crazy choices like this. The other relationships were serious, loving and respectful. I wanted more on some fronts and didn't accept all the three marriage proposals. Maybe I grew too confident and stopped looking at red flags. I need healing.

His friend too agreed I need to self preserve and go away - he did request to delay divorce as before my conversation all he knew was a couple in love and my husband had told him that he was the luckiest man alive, His friend even offered me help settling in the country (they are rich, but more than that generous). So I think I have a few venues of help lined up now for myself.

Waiting for my book tomorrow...

His behaviour is nothing to do with his wife as a trigger. You've told yourself that because you want to make it easier to deal with. The fact is he has serious mental health problems.

You claim -

Its only because I have guaranteed information that he wasn't like this that I want to help

But that kind of guarantee does not exist. His exgf confirmed he was like this with her. And his ex-wife - either he managed to control it better until the end or she has her own reasons for minimising his abuse.

Anyway, it makes no odds. He's mad now, when he started being mad is not important.

Your dds must be with your abusive ex then? Or your abusive family? Or friends?

For how long have you been apart from your dds? How is their mental health not living with you?

How long have you been married to this psycho?

You have shown care, concern and love for your own flesh and blood by not forcing them to live with this abusive and weird psycho thank goodness.

Please also google co-dependency
It may not apply to you but it may give you a bit of an insight into your behaviours and what you are prepared to put up with.
I hope counselling helps you.
But ultimately, for yourself and even more so for your DD, you need to get away from this.

You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure him.

Save your rescuer tendencies for your DD and yourself.
Stop wasting them on an abuser.

He is NOT AN INNOCENT CHILD. That’s pathetic and an excuse ... he is a grown man who knows exactly what he’d doing. And if he is emotionally a child then you are sexually abusing a vulnerable adult ... no you’re not you say? Then he’s not a child.

Help for mh has to be sought from the person suffering.
He has to want help and to seek help.
You cannot micro manage his mh. Just walk away let him seek help.or not.he is an adult. Not your child.
If there was abuse report it.
.be honest.

Bloody hell. He sounds horrendous. Bet he doesnt act like this with work colleagues or friends. Do not put up with this any more. The childish prick!

So he likes to have control over other people and flips when he doesn't have it? Hardly a coincidence that he was ok with his first wife while she was doing what he wanted, then flipped when she sought a way out of the relationship.

Well done on getting yourself out. You are doing the right thing. Remember, you need to be healthy, happy and safe, to be of any use to your daughters.

I’m sorry to hear the situation you’re in OP. How long have you been with your DH? How long have you been living apart from your children? Who are they staying with?