Anyone with raging husband who changes

[feelused]

Will post my story soon, but is there anyone here with a husband who has major rage, paranoia and insecurity issues that got help and improved?

He was not always like this. I believe its a result of his ex-wife cheating... (not excusing completely shitting behavior)

Am dying here and have left home at the moment... just don't know what path to take. Love him like crazy and so does he (take out the crazy rage - completely no fault ones )

Its only fair I update you ladies for all your help. Have filed for divorce.

I have been to some therapy and the therapist too tends to believe he has a form of PTSD and Projection issues. She explained Projection very well and that he has a combination of this and PTSD. I have understood that Projection, PTSD, whatever it is, he is a functioning adult who should see what he's been doing at least after the act.

By nature he is selfish (he will admit to this) and his self centrelines and ego has meant that he has not seen the need to get help.

Have found some practical solutions for life temporarily for myself and daughters. I am in some touch with him and offering support where I can - that is me, but I am trying to keep my boundaries.

Very proud of you OP. Wishing you every happiness in life. You've set boundaries - keep them firmly in place and get clear of him. Well done you!

Well done OP.
I hope things improve for your and DD in the near future.

Well done OP, good luck and thanks for the update.

Well done but saying he has PTSD from a divorce is pathetic and it's offensive to us who genuinely suffer. He's just another narcissistic arsehole and your therapist shouldn't be helping you figure him out they should be helping you figure out why you put up with it.
He's using his ex as an excuse. That dress doesn't remind him of her, he simply won't like it and wants you to wear what he wants. He raged at the holiday because you did something 'behind his back'.
None of this is PTSD it's about control and abuse.
Sexual favours several times a day, so you're his sex slave too. This is all control and getting what he wants. When he doesn't he rages. It's that simple.
Keep going with the divorce, don't be worrying it'll trigger his PTSD because he doesn't have it. His triggers are when he doesn't have full control over you.
Don't push a serious illness on him just to alieviate your feelings.
Stay strong and stay safe OP. Stop trying to suss him out now and focus on you and DDs

It’s unprofessional of the therapist to be speculating about the mental health status of someone she’s never met.

I also agree that he’s abusive.

A number of women on here with abusive partners choose to label them ‘narcissistic’, ‘depressed’ or ‘PTSD’ or other anxiety disorders - rather than call a spade a spade. Perhaps they find those labels easier to cope with, but it’s important to face facts.

Particularly as, divorcing, you will need a lawyer who is capable of standing up to an abusive man.

Thanks ladies. Looselipssinkship yes some of those I see are control issues. Perhaps that's what it was all about. There were certain things of course such as the dress raging happened thrice - once he notice a folded dress in my suitcase so I don't think it was whether he liked it or not. Another time he was skype packing my stuff as I was in another country and as soon as he saw another white dress (exact copy of another dress he loves but that was black) he started sweating, shaking yelling and crying.

Anyway doesn't matter fact is he was controlling and selfish whether or not he had PTSD from the cheating of his ex wife.

The divorce is mutual and he knows well he is not in shape to be in a relationship so no strong lawyer needed. I am not taking any settlement as such and he will hopefully pay something for a few months till I settle. I do not have the energy and finance to battle this.

I wish him well and although I don't practice any religion I pray for him.

I lost myself, my intuitive, trusting in the universe self in the marriage. Finding myself again.

How long were you together? Over time and with distance its likely your perspective will change and you will see that he is abusive.

I hope your daughters are ok, how are they handling the situation.

I do see that he was extremely abusive. Even if it was his nature many others would have been easier on a wife so loving and dedicated. He is beyond cruel and heartless.

I know what I have gone through this post contains very little.

My girls are handling it well - they are strong and when they saw the first incident in front of them they had told me there was no reason to put up with shit.

There are other complexities in life and things are very delicate and I am trying my best to work things for three of us.

How old are your daughters? You have been asked this several times? I think you should now concentrate fully on them, and rebuild their trust, so that they know that you will never prioritise a man over them, ever, ever again.

Honestly, please stop blaming his bad behaviour on PTSD. He got a divorce. Big Whoop De Doo. Over 50% of the population have also been through divorce. It didn't turn us all into complete and utter bellends, who sit inside a wardrobe having a melt down for 6 hours. He didn't fight in Iraq and see some of his colleagues blown to smitherines.

Anyway, glad you are getting away from him. He sounds horrendous. Build a stable home for your daughters and I would suggest no dating until they have both left home. Good luck.

Daughters are 13 and 16. Sorry may not have noticed the question earlier.

Just a general comment on PTSD though - personal traumas can cause it and I don't want to belittle anyone who does have it as a result. My parents raised us cruelly and then my first husband was seriously abusive. I did end up with complex PTSD as a result. I would see anyone dress similar to his mother or sister (traditional dress and make up) and start shallow breathing and sweating. Avoiding standing near them and try to cross the street so I wouldn't have to be near someone dressed similarly (they together abused me in unmentionable ways - no physical stuff but gas lighting, not letting me sleep in the day when I hadn't slept all night with a new baby, his mother coughing deep coughs over my baby's face and the sort). I also couldn't watch movies where they had traditions like his mum and sis practiced.

Maybe due to my own history I gave husband too much room for understanding. I realise I was well aware of my PTSD issues when I had them and I didn't rage or hurt anyone else. I realise that I have enabled a lot of his behaviour by 'understanding'.

I also look back to realise I was so clear about what I would and would not accept in a relationship and the circumstances under which I ignored the red flags.

Although I define our relationship lovely outside the rage attacks, I see now he was definitely controlling. It was 24/7 service job for me, I liked it most of the time - but all the time had become very tough.

• My whatsapp image had to be a couple photo, my Facebook image the same.
• I was slowly alienated from family and friends
• He was convinced my few male friends/contacts all wanted to sleep with me (maybe it was true for a couple of them - H got the chance to prove himself right) but as I always said to him - maybe they do, but they respect the fact that I am married and even if not that its me he had to trust
• He was very critical of the smallest 'mistakes'. Even when I worked 18 hours I didn't get benefit of ignoring my little forgetfulness
• Ladies nights were a no-no. I didn't do that sort of thing so it didn't bother me.
• Before we married he was clear I am not allowed to join a gym (I didn't care as I am not a gym person and tried to 'understand' that the last boyfriend his ex cheated with she had met in a gym). I now see that its complete bullshit. I am NOT her and yes I didn't want to join a gym, but if I did I should have been able to. What has her behaviour got to do with me at all! I am not a cheater and didn't cheat on my ex husband even when he had ED and went impotent.

If I wanted to cheat I could find someone doing groceries! The control was perhaps because he didn't want me working out in front of men.

I should have shut down the shit then and there. Been a crazy enabler with my 'understanding'.

I am creating a list of all these as I remember them, because we did have an extremely passionate relationship and there was a lot of romantic love. I am strong now and as I don't plan to be in a relationship I don't want to be vulnerable to the abuse a few months or years down the line.

Thanks ladies.

He can be very loving and normal otherwise.

Do your homework on abusive behaviour .
Nobody is a raging abuser 100%of the time .
All abuse victims will say 'he is loving the rest of the time '
Being loving 'the rest of the time ' is part of the cycle of abuse and is how he keeps hooked on to you .
If any of them weren't lovely 'the rest of the time ' leaving them wouldn't be so hard .